OT: Am I overreacting?

[brockash]

Thanks for all of the support. I did have a talk with my daughter (she's been taught from a young age what to look out for and I think that's why she told me) and made her very aware that she is never to sign anything without our consent again and that she is not old enough to sign a contract. I am positive that nothing happened, as she never liked this man either and usually only went over there if he was out of town (he travels a lot) or her dad was there. I questioned her very specifically about the "secrets" and as far as she knew, their being nudists was the only one and they were never nude around her ever. She is very self-confident and has stood up for herself when this family accused her of being "mean" to their daughter and their daughter ended up caught in a lie. DH has only had 1 beer in the last 3 days and he's been grumpy. When things settle down, I do plan to have a long talk with him. My kids are no longer allowed over their even if their Daddy is.

Good for you and your daughter. It sounds like you did a good job of educating her from a young age, which is so good for her. I have a 6 year old and 18 month old, and I just hope they both are able to come to me with any circumstances especially ones like this. I'm really not sure what to tell you about your husband, except that I agree with the previous poster that said you are their mom first and need to protect them first, no matter what that means for your marriage and relationship with your husband. I'm thinking maybe your DH has some issues with alcohol, and maybe that's why he's not seeing the situation clearly, and please don't take that to offend you or him, I just think you are doing the right thing, and your kids are very lucky to have you as their mom, good luck to you.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Call the police. Seriously. This sounds like a set up for involving your daughter in things she shouldn't be exposed to. How dare someone try to tell your child they can't tell you something! What nerve!

I am sorry if I offend you, but I would also consider putting your foot in your DH's rear on this one. He should be defending his baby girl not defending the drunken weirdos across the street!

 

[ChillyWilleys]

you're not overreacting at all! And I honestly wish your dh would find another 'drinking buddy'. That man (the friends father) is a total idiot at best, or is grooming her at worst. Geez!!! What is wrong w/ people today? There aren't enough stories on the news every single freaking day about crazy things happening - how can that man (and the mom!) not have any sense about proper boundries, etc. The fact they don't know what they did is weird and wrong is what would worry me more than anything. Please keep your dd away from them.

Grooming was my exact thought, and it sounds like a scare tactic or intimidation method. And that was before you mentioned them being nudists or swingers. Thank God your daughter mentioned it to you and I would keep far far away from these people.

 

[Crystal824]

Of course, this isn't enforceable, but it is totally creepy. I would keep my dd away from that family.

 

[luckey-lasvegas]

I don't think you're over reacting. A grown man talking about prostitution with a 13 year old girl, and asking her to sign a contract with them smells awfully pedo to me and a set up for a possible abuse situation. It doesn't matter what their life style is. If he can get her to do that, and try to hid it from you what's next?

I agree with this post !!! I'd keep my DD far away from their house. If she wishes to remain friends with the girl they could hang out at our house or not at all.

Any time an adult ask a child to keep a secret from their parents sounds like a precursor to something that will be harmful to the child to me.

 

[angelat]

I don't think you're over reacting. A grown man talking about prostitution with a 13 year old girl, and asking her to sign a contract with them smells awfully pedo to me and a set up for a possible abuse situation. It doesn't matter what their life style is. If he can get her to do that, and try to hid it from you what's next?

I totally agree with this posting. I got nervous about it just reading your original post. Even though it isn't the girls fault, i would keep your daughter from going over there. They can see each other in school.
Just be sure to commend your daughter for coming to you with this and for NOT keeping the secret from you. Remind her how important it is to ALWAYS be open and honest with you and to have no secrets from each other.
I think you made the right choice and are definitely NOT overreacting.

 

[Kenenitz]

(((((hugs)))))my thoughts are with you.. I know how insanely hard it is to have a family in the neighborhood that you child plays with, but the parents are strange or do inappropriate things. We had a family like that close to my old house. They smoked in the house and drank all the time.. like drank for breakfast. No one had a job and the little girl looked dirty often..BUT she was an adorable little girl who was sweet as pie. I felt bad never letting my dd go over there, but I didn't want Lexi in the house since she has asthma and they smoke.. and the dad was drunk and ALWAYS walking around half naked or being weird and saying inappropriate things to me and others... It's a crappy situation.

And to answer your question i don't think you are overreacting at all.

 

[KristinU]

EW, not overreacting at all! Like others have said, I'd consult with the police on this...you just never know.

 

[dis-happy]

I would call CPS. They HAVE to investigate. Not sure the police would follow up if what you reported wasn't breaking an actual law.

 

[GothTink]

Okay, for one: that prostitute thing would have had me and DH through the ROOF! For two, please explain to your DD that she is not 18, so that "contract" isn't legally binding, and that she should feel free to tell you anything that might be on her mind - might also want to mention how inappropriate their actions are.

This is for you:

And this is for your DH:

 

[bellebud]

ok, i've posted twice on this thread already, but I keep thinking about it and feel so bad for you and your dd!* So many people have said how wonderful it is that your dd came to you about this, and of course I agree.* If it were me, I think I'd take her out soon for a mommy/daughter afternoon, to show her and tell her how proud you are of her for making the right decision in telling you, and how happy you are that you have that close relationship.* Sort of a 'reward' for coming to you.* I just really think it's so wonderful she did, and how lucky you both are to have each other, no matter what's going on around you.

 

[allyphoe]

Honestly, if some adult man had a sexual-secret-keeping agreement with my 13yo daughter, I'd be calling the cops. This may not rise to the level of criminal activity, but I'd rather they make that judgment. I've got nothing against consenting adults taking their clothes off or sleeping with each other, but that's got nothing to do with setting kids up in sexual situations.

IMHO the police are likely to get CPS involved.

 

[LOLCAT]

To the OP, what are you waiting for? I'd be at their front door DEMANDING to see the contract your daughter signed. Then I'd have a word with the guy who was talking about keeping the secret if your daughter became a hooker. Sounds like they are trying to groom her.

This is bad stuff, your husband needs a wake up call to laugh all this off. I'd be wondering what else he is doing with the swingers when he is over there drinking?

 

[AuroraBeauty]

I know a lot of people have mentioned CPS but I don't think they would be as helpful as you might think. How many times have we heard on the news and read on the major news websites that CPS dropped the ball.

First, praise your daughter for having the confidence to tell you what was going on.

Second, ask her if she thinks her friend might be in any harm. Ask her if anything happened that she wants to tell you about. DO NOT ASK LEADING QUESTIONS!!! I put that in bold not to yell at you but b/c that is one of the first downfalls of investigations. Often children want to please their parents and if you ask a leading question they don't really know what to do so they try to answer to make you happy even if that isn't the true answer. Trust your daughter to tell you the truth if you ask an open ended question.

Third, call the police non-emergency number if your daughter reveals anything that could lead you to believe either she or her friends may have been harmed in any way. If you don't want to call the police, call 1-800-4-A-CHILD. If you know that a child could have been harmed or is at risk you have a duty to report it. It's not about what their lifestyle is like -- I don't care if they are nudists, gay, christian, jewish, wicca, member of the Klan, black, brown, white, yellow, gray, pink or purple, etc. Nothing within any type of lifestyle makes it legal to physically, emotionally or sexually abuse anyone much less a child.

I'm sorry your DH is having difficulties with this. I know that makes it even more challenging for you. But, trust in yourself!

Just so you know, 1-800-4-A-CHILD is a hotline run by ChildHelp.org which is a phenomenal organization. They work very closely with law enforcement to make sure children are protected. They know exactly what to do and in many instances what NOT to do so that you do not put yourself or your daughter at risk.

Don't be bullied! Stand up for yourself, your daughter and her friend. I can only imagine how sick you would be if you found out her friend was being abused and you let the crazy people bully you in to doing nothing.

If you have a good faith belief that something is wrong, call someone who can help you with it. Fellow DIS'ers are great but we can't do anything to stop the predators while sitting at our computer. And as I stated in my prior post, get a copy of the agreement.

Best Wishes!

 

[dvcmommy]

As far as over-reacting, No Way!!

I, like others, think you may be under-reacting. I do not want to scare you, but please make sure you talk to your daughter again and make sure no abuse has taken place. Victims are usually so ashamed and afraid that they will not admit to the abuse right away.

Your husband's reaction is alarming as well. He was furious until he found out who it was? To me, this is very suspicious. I admit I am not a trusting person and I apologize, but I would wonder if they have information on your husband that he doesn't want to get out, so he will not confront them on their behavior.

But your daughter is the important thing here. Please let her know that you will not be upset or angry (no matter what she has to say) if she has anything else to tell you and ask again if there is anything you should know.

 

[sherreis]

When DH and I were handing out Halloween candy tonight I asked him what he would do if we were in the same situation. DH used to have a drinking problem and hasn't had a drop in 21 yrs. He told me no matter how much he drank he wouldn't be using the neighbor for alcohol anymore and he would have been over there having "words" with him. Just thought you'd want to hear from the Dad side of things.

 

[sk!mom]

Wow- weird situation. It wouldn't matter to me if they were mad and wouldn't allow their DD over anymore as I would be keeping my DD far from this situation. I, also, think that you may be underreacting. Are you sure that your DD has told you everything that she witnessed in that house. I would be seeing a counselor and probably the police or a lawyer with her so that they could reassure her that such a contract is not binding due to her age and to help her understand that if anything happened that she needs to tell.

As for your DH, I'm sad for you. Is he your DD's father? If he is, then I'm sad for her also. Have you considered counseling? It sounds like your marriage needs it.

 

[dementia412]

Very rarely when someone post a "am I overreacting" post do I say no, but in your case, no way! First the contract isn't binding, so at least you don't have to worry about that. Second I too got that creepy feeling when I read this. Sounds like the guy is setting girls up to feel like they can't talk before he does something to them. On the other hand he could just be nervous they will blab about something innocent, but which still looks bad when the public knows about it.
I would probably worry more about your DH's reaction... actually I would have told him I don't want him to have anything to do with those people anymore, and if he honestly thinks drinks are more important than his family, he can go stay with his drinking buddy from now on.

 

[SunnieRN]

Do not confront the neighbor yourself. Call the police and let them handle it. It would also be better for the police to talk to the girls other friends if they see fit to do so.
I would also ask the police to obtain a copy of the "contract",
Good luck to you. Being married to a person with a dependence on alcohol makes your parenting job much harder.

 

[disney_family_1247]

Isn't that how child molesters work? They convince kids not to talk to their parents about private things for various reasons. These people are trying to convince your daughter that she has to keep their secrets, and that is so inappropriate. I can tell you that when I was a public school teacher, this was the sort of thing I was required by law to report. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but don't let these people or your husband guilt you into putting your daughter in harm's way. I'm sorry for their daughter