Opinions, please--paying for brother to attend funeral

[NotUrsula]

As a member of a multinational family, I can tell you that we don't travel internationally for funerals. It is neither requested or expected. Everyone understands that it is just too prohibitively expensive to cross an ocean on short notice, assuming that we could even get there before the Mass, which would be iffy if there were any flight delays at all, because it takes 29 hours to get there by air allowing for time zones. (For example, I just checked, and for tomorrow, the intl. ticket alone would be $2500, plus a car rental, and lodging for 2 days; it would be close to $3500 in all). We send flowers, but we do not go. Our usual practice is for those of us who are abroad to request our own parish priest to have a Mass said locally on that day, and then the next time we are able to visit the family home, to have a memorial Mass there as well.

All you have to tell any nosey parkers is that your brother is out of the country, and if they have any decency at all, they will accept that as reasonable and drop it.

FWIW, the Catholic Church used to disapprove of cremation, but now has changed that stance. If your sister asks her priest, she will probably be advised to have a Mass with a rented casket, and cremation afterward, but there is usually understanding if financial situations make it a hardship to delay the cremation.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I was leaning toward no anyway, mainly because of his entitlement attitude, but after realizing now that your sister is the one whose husband just had the amp and is probably run ragged at this point, I’m a firm no. She has enough on her plate.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Would your bro have to get an expedited passport? That's another expense on top of the others.

Sounds like your sis is already under enormous stress. Would seeing your bro after all these years bring her peace or add to her frustration?

We have an addict "J" in the family. When his aunt passed, J's mom (sister of the dearly departed) wasn't pleased that J planned to attend the local funeral (he found out about it on Facebook), and the mom even paid for J's sis to fly across the country to attend the funeral and act as a buffer between J and their mom as he went around to his cousins lying about how wonderful he is, when he was high on something and looked like death warmed over.

O.P., if your bro comes to town would you need to keep an eye on the family silver?

 

[QueenIsabella]

Okay, OP here, a couple more things...

I made my peace with B's actions a long time ago. I rarely think about him. It's just this week...

I don't think D is religious, but we don't know. He was raised/confirmed in the Catholic church. Back in the day, we used to joke about how mom told each of us we'd burn in hell for various transgressions. Our attitude was, "See you there, we'll have a great party." It's possible that he's been sober and found a higher power. I hope so. I figure, whether or not he wants last rites, it makes Sis feel better, having arranged them. And it couldn't hurt.

We used to joke that, when our mom died, B would leave the funeral early to swing by her house and grab the silver. She had dementia and had been in assisted living, so B waited 48 whole minutes after her funeral to ask about his inheritance. We timed this because D, Sis, and I had a bet going on how long it would be. My poor BIL was furious--"They haven't even finished putting the dirt on her grave!". But, the rest of know exactly how B is.

 

[megsters]

I was on the fence, until your sister traveled to his adopted home country and weren't able to see him.

Let's say he travels here on your dime--perhaps he wouldn't have time for funeral either.

It's a nope for me.

 

[Skippy918]

He’s a grown adult. If he wanted to come, he’d find a way to make it work. Don’t let him guilt you or your sister into paying for him.
you can also try streaming the funeral so he can watch it abroad. Or he can have a service there.
when my grandma died, her international family members had a small service for her.

 

[notatallmagic]

I just want to say that there has been a lot of awesome wisdom, kindness, and even humor in these posts. Sometimes reading Disboards makes me question humanity . Today was quite the opposite. Not the OP, but thank you all for a ray of hope.

 

[mgarbowski]

I'm inclined to say the issue is not cost but his behavior and the way he is likely to make everything harder and more negative.
You don't need that. If you choose to accept the burden, do so with as open a heart as you can muster, but you're under no obligation.

 

[Karin1984]

Your gut reaction is your guilt is over other people questioning you on WHY you didn't pay, rather than having a guilt about not paying your brother to come. I think you have your answer.

I think Imzadi is onto something with this. Have a good look at where your guilt is coming from and decide what is it worth to you.

There will not be a perfect solution to your problem. Each decision you make will be something you have to live within the future. Pick the option that works best for you (and your own family).

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Hard no for me. Funerals are for the living. If you pay for him to come that is what you will remember. Is that what you want for your memory?

I would pay the whole funeral as it sounds like your sis as a lot of more pressing financial issues at them moment. No money left for expensive airfare and problem is solved. .

Unfortunately he will not be able attend is all that needs to be said if people are rude enough to ask.

Prayers during this difficult time.

 

[barkley]

We used to joke that, when our mom died, B would leave the funeral early to swing by her house and grab the silver. She had dementia and had been in assisted living, so B waited 48 whole minutes after her funeral to ask about his inheritance. We timed this because D, Sis, and I had a bet going on how long it would be. My poor BIL was furious--"They haven't even finished putting the dirt on her grave!". But, the rest of know exactly how B is.

my brother didn't wait for the dirt-as they were lowering my mother's casket he leaned in and asked my other brother 'so when are we hitting the bank?' then spent the next 7 months making our lives a living hell trying to squeeze every penny out of us. that caused our estrangement which lasted until we were notified of his death (not listed as contact-hospital did a records search and connected his name on one of mom's old medical records along with ours).

from personal experience i would say do what will cause you the least stress short and long term. perhaps mentally earmark the money that would have been spent on his travel(...) towards his funeral (we were legally obligated to pay for estranged brother's final arrangements due to laws in that state-it's how i learned that there are much less expensive options than the neptune society).

take care.

 

[china mom]

Hi it's me, your sister from another mister. Our stories are so similar, I feel like we should hang out.

My advice is for you to tune out all of the advice (albeit well-meaning) from everyone who says to consider how you will feel down the road if you don't... blah, blah, blah. This advice comes from the heart but usually from people with an entirely different family dynamic. Remember, blood relation does not obligate you to anything.

Here is my story, and how I feel about it. Three brothers, we can call oldest A. I am second, The one with a heart is B and the drug addict is C.

Mom lived with me and was basically ignored by A and C. A readily accepted money from Mom but did not visit or call (well, he would call when broke). C was homeless and moved in with A after I reminded A that he didn't own the house, Mom did, and I would kick him out. Mom died after not having seen A and C for about two years. I did not have any kind of funeral or service because I did not feel I owed anyone that if they hadn't been bothered to see her when she was alive and needed them.

C overdosed and died in A's house. A sent me a text and that was our last communication - ever. I later figured out that no one claimed C's body and the state disposed of him.

This past January, A died. I had not seen him or spoken to him (other than the day Mom died) in decades. Brother B, the one with a heart, felt obligated to do something for all of A's friends who apparently loved him. I agreed to pay half for cremation and pitch in $500 for the service. The service was yesterday. I was home binge-watching The Good Wife (I love that show).

How do I feel about it?... Fine. No guilt, no regrets. Shared DNA does not obligate me to feel anything. Did A's friends ask why I wasn't there? Who knows but I don't know them and don't care what they think.

When reading your story, I not only believe that you should not feel any obligation, I wondered why YOU would even consider attending. But, I do agree that if your sister ends up paying, you probably should help HER out. But I would be lobbying her not to help.

 

[LuvOrlando]

You and your sister should be free to grieve the loss of your brother without the estranged sibling spreading toxic vibes all over the place. I'd suggest you share that you think he is toxic with your sister & let it be and if this brother shows up at the services ask sister if she paid & then help her out after the fact. Now, if he was asking for kindness that is different, but this does not sound like that to me, at all, unless I'm missing something.

I could even see a deeper dig if your mom was alive and it would hurt her deeply, or if it could hurt sister deeply but that is it.

If anyone asks it is appropriate to say something like, "We were sorry he couldn't get here but since we are all adults it is important we him grieve in his own way. Would you like his number? I bet he'd appreciate a condolence call."

 

[Lumpy1106]

If you and your sister are going to split the cost of the funeral, burial, etc, you're going to need all the money you have. Take the money you would have spent on flying and catering to your other brother and put that toward the funeral and burial expenses.

Perhaps the funeral could be streamed, so that your other brother could attend virtually.

IMHO, that's a terrible idea. Funerals are for the living and it's a chance for all to get together and share memories, feelings, etc. What are you going to do? Hold a zoom so everyone can chat with him? Nobody will want to do that, least of all the brother.

Also IMHO; he's not broke - he's using that as an excuse. Offering to pay his expenses clearly won't make you any happier and will only free him from that excuse. He'll find another. He does not want to be there. Let him carry that burden. You need to take care of yourself.

 

[Pooh2]

Respect your husband's wishes and do not send this brother any more for travel.
If he does not want to be there, sounds like it will make everything go more smoothly for you and sis.
You can choose to feed into the family drama or to avoid it.
Sorry that you and your sis are going through this.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

So, he is estranged from your other brother as well, from what I understand, is that correct? I think at this point it's more about *his* conscience than yours and your sister's. *he's* the one who will have to live with whatever his decision is, not the two of you. Don't put it on yourselves. While it shows kindness on your part, sometimes enough is enough.

 

[focusondisney]

I'm looking for opinions on a family matter. I have 2 brothers, both older, and a younger sister (note: we're all ~60, very close in age). My sister called today to say that our older brother, D, is in the hospital, unconscious, and on a ventilator. We knew he'd been hospitalized a few weeks back (COVID, I think). This brother has been a drug addict for decades. The last time I saw him was almost 17 years ago, at our mother's funeral. He's chosen not to have contact with the family, and didn't list us on his hospital contact form. My sister visited him today, (his contact person had her information, and has added her to the visitation sheet). She's requested last rites and gave him a scapula--we were raised Catholic. Sis and I will discuss any end-of-life decisions--I'm 800 miles away, but prepared to travel at a moment's notice, she just has to say the word. She and I will split the costs of a burial, funeral, and so forth.

Sis contacted our other brother. He lives out of the country. He says he can't come, he's broke. This is his modus operandi. When our mom died, my sister literally had to leave the wake to pick up this brother, B, at the airport. He expected to be housed, fed, and chauffered around during the entire time he was in the US. He also, famously, asked about his inheritance from our mother, 48 minutes after her funeral ended (showing, for him, great restraint).

I know if this brother does actually come back for our other brother's funeral, he will pay for nothing. Not his own expenses, not any funeral expenses, nothing.

My initial thought was, heck with him, it's his only brother. We also haven't seen him in 17 years--ironically, my sister and her husband went to his adopted country last year. They stayed with his ex-wife...and never saw our brother.

So, now I'm feeling guilty. I'm concerned that, at a funeral, my cousins will ask after the second brother, and question why I couldn't give him the money to come to a family funeral. Truth is, SIs and I COULD afford it. But, this brother has been a mooch his entire life. OTOH, the dying brother is a drug addict, and we're willing to pay his final expenses.

Anyway, I'm torn. I'd love to hear some outside opinions. My husband says he's not getting a dime. Most times I agree with him. He's chosen to be a user his entire life. But then I think, this is the final goodbye to our oldest brother, I should show some grace.

I wouldn’t pay any money for this brother to come to the funeral. Personally, I believe if you can’t bother to see someone while they’re alive (especially for 17 years), there’s no point showing up for the funeral. Actually seems a bit hypocritical to me. So I wouldn’t worry about the brother showing up to funeral or not. He won’t get to say his final goodbye? Please. He couldn’t be bothered to speak to him while he was alive, it sounds like he already had his goodby.

I wouldn’t take any responsibility if nosy cousins had the nerve to comment either. I assume if these relatives are close enough to attend the funeral, they also know your brothers are estranged from you & your sister. If they have enough nerve to ask where he is, I’d just remind them you haven’t seen him in 17 years & have no idea what his plans are. I’d say it matter of factly & dismiss any other comments or attempt to make it your issue. A sixty something is not responsible for her siblings. And no adult should be guilted into doing something because nosy extended family might ask them questions.

You’re already going above & beyond to provide a burial for the first brother. If it was me, I’d do the cremation & a private service so the cousins wouldn’t even be there. Again, this brother chose be estranged & have no relationship with the family. For 17 years. To have a big family affair doesn’t seem to be what he’d want anyway. If he wanted family at his life events, he wouldn’t have distanced himself for 17 years. Having a big wake & funeral seems almost disrespectful to what he wanted for his life.

The person you should be paying attention to is your husband. In our house it’s “our money”. We both need to be comfortable with how we’re spending it. If he doesn’t want you to spend money for this brother to travel to the funeral, that shouldn’t that be more important than what some cousins will think?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Actually seems a bit hypocritical to me.

I don't have a relationship with my father and haven't for 17 years presently speaking but when he passes away so long as I'm notified I would attend.

How one grieves or chooses to grieve is deeply personal and not up for you to judge someone else on it nor place a qualifier such as "bother to see"

 

[Colleen27]

I think this is the kind of moment that calls for grace and a setting aside of past troubles. My aunt made a similar call on not helping my father come home for my grandmother's funeral, and honestly, my grandmother would have been appalled at the way it was handled. It felt so petty, to be angry about my father's lifestyle/choices at that moment. Yes, my father was a deeply troubled man who spent years isolating himself from his family, but there was no question of affording the plane fare and no doubt that it is what their parents would have wanted/expected (and would have done, if they'd been able to do so).

I think it is particularly interesting that you're willing to set aside judgment of the addict brother in order to see him properly buried, but are conflicted about extending the same spirit of forgiveness to the living brother for his own shortcomings. It can be easier, of course, to forgive the dead because they can't disappoint us any further, but some moments and some experiences call for setting aside past hurts and dramas, if only temporarily.

 

[focusondisney]

I don't have a relationship with my father and haven't for 17 years presently speaking but when he passes away so long as I'm notified I would attend.

How one grieves or chooses to grieve is deeply personal and not up for you to judge someone else on it nor place a qualifier such as "bother to see"

Per the OP:

I'm looking for opinions on a family matter.

I gave my opinion. Not up to you to say I can’t.