Opinions on grown child's curfew...

[Pakey]

I had a grown child at home for a few years and our house is fairly small and I get up at 4:30, so we had this problem too.

I told him we needed to figure out how to solve it together. I would never tell him he couldn't eat, so we decided he could quietly make a sandwich or a salad or I could fix him a plate ealier to be microwaved when he got home rather than his getting things out to cook. He got some earphones for his TV so that solved that problem. And I kept some kind of white noise going to help too. We just looked at it as more than one adult living in the house and how do we fix a problem we are having.

Same here. Our alarm goes off at 4:20 and we have hard floors and 2 little yapper dogs. But with some compromise and mutual respect, rather than intolerant rules, we managed to make it work.

 

[LilyWDW]

Most evening classes on college campuses run from 6p-10p. Even if she were to take one of those, she wouldn't make it home in time for curfew. IMO, there is no way that I would impose that on another adult. Talk to her about keeping quiet when she gets home, but let the girl have a little space.

I was gonna say... my campus offers classes that don't even get out until 10pm.

OP, your "child" is an adult. She does not need a curfew and shouldn't have one. She needs to be treated like the adult that she is. Right now, you are not treating her as an adult, but as a child. I am not surprised that she got upset when you confronted her. Once again... she is NOT a child.

That being said, she needs to respect the other people in the home. As such, it is not out of line to ask her to be quiet when she does come home. That might mean not cooking a big meal at 10pm, but making a sandwich wouldn't be a big deal.

The REAL issue is the noise... not the time.

 

[AndreaDM]

I had this problem with my 19 year old, no matter if she was out late or at home. She didn't have a curfew, but was often up a lot later than us, and would think nothing of fixing a snack or taking a shower at midnight. I got so irritated being woken up by slamming doors, etc. I finally told her she could stay up all night as far as I was concerned, but she needed to be respectful of those who had to get up at 6! She quieted down and I also started sleeping with a fan for white noise which really helped.

My kids didn't have a 10 (let alone 9:30) curfew even in high school, many school related activities go later than 10.

 

[NMAmy]

DD is 20 and when she's home from college, she has no curfew. We have a deal--she's not excessively noisy in the middle of the night and DH and I are not noisy at 5:00 am when we get up.

My only request is that if she leaves after I go to sleep that she just leave a note saying where she was going and what time she planned to be back. She got a bit snippy until I explained that I'd like her to do this with her roommate as well, simply so if one of them disappeared, we'd have an idea where to start looking. I also told her that if she got home before I was up, she could throw the note away. I don't care where she's going unless she doesn't make it home.

OP--as others have said, I think you really just need to talk with your dd about being more considerate and work together to find ways to make that happen. Or, just start waking her up at 5:00 a.m..

 

[BEloveDisney]

I didn't have a curfew when I was 18 and in college. I was expected to tell my mom when I thought I'd be home (a ballpark figure was fine) and was expected to be quiet coming in the door.

 

[Christine]

My only request is that if she leaves after I go to sleep that she just leave a note saying where she was going and what time she planned to be back. She got a bit snippy until I explained that I'd like her to do this with her roommate as well, simply so if one of them disappeared, we'd have an idea where to start looking. I also told her that if she got home before I was up, she could throw the note away. I don't care where she's going unless she doesn't make it home.

This is such good advice.

While my DD doesn't really have a curfew anymore, I don't think it's wise for *any* adult to be roaming around all night and no one know where they are. It's an awful fact for me that I've had more than one friend and/or acquaintance run into tragedy with being out all night. I think that's what most parents fear, even parents of 30 year olds!!!

In one incident, a young woman from my area was a college student. She was home for a break and her and her friend were going to some clubs in town. Her plan was to spend the night with her friend after they were done at the clubs. But, after they left the club, the woman decided that she wanted to just go home and sleep in her own bed. Her parents were not expecting her home. She never made it home. Her car broke down on an old country road at 2:00 a.m. Two guys stopped to "help" her and ended up murdering her. No one knew for awhile that she was missing or how long the whole act went on. So, it's important at any age, to let someone know exactly what you are doing if you are going to be roaming around at night. And it's important, as the younger person to stick to your designated times that you say you'll be home. It really is hard because of a lot of "no good" does happen in the middle of the night and you can't help but worry.

 

[design_mom]

I agree with most. This issues here are safety and courtesy, not curfew.

My parents were pretty strict when I was in high school and I moved back home after living in the dorms for a year. (We lived close enough to commute, and my parents offered to let me live at home. I wanted to live in the dorm -- and paid my own way for the first year-- then decided my money would be better spent on a car.)

When I lived at home I did not have a curfew, but I was expected to let my parents know where I was going and when I'd be home. It's about courtesy.

If I got home and everyone else was asleep, I would be as quiet as possible. If I was hungry, I would not have been cooking. I would have made myself a sandwich from stuff in the refrigerator/pantry. Again, courtesy.

As previous poster's have suggested, I would sit down and talk to her about courtesy and agree on mutually-acceptable rules. I think you have a right to a good night's sleep, but I can see why your daughter is bristling at these "rules."

 

[okeydokey]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

Being quiet and not waking you up is a completely different issue than the curfew. Yes, she should be quiet. No, she shouldn't have to be home at 9:30.

 

[swissfamilyrobinson]

Beginning in their senior year of high school, our DDs didn't have a curfew. We figured that they needed the freedom then, while under our roof, so they wouldn't feel compelled to go crazy when they got out from under our roof. That being said, they were good kids, and made (fairly) wise decisions.

They are in college now - one lives away at school on campus, and one lives at home. When they are at home, of course there is no curfew. But we insist on two things:

Be quiet - no waking up the house when you come in - no loud tv or cooking
Text us if you're going to be out late, when you leave one place to go to another, or when you're on your way home, so that if we wake up and you're not home, we won't worry.

Oh, and number three, last one in turns out the porch light!

 

[BELLE1109]

When I was in college, I didn't even go out until 10pm!
I guess this is why I never came home for summers

In all honesty, she in an adult and a curfew is silly. She does need to be respectful of others who are sleeping and be quiet coming in.

 

[mamacatnv]

I wouldn't give an 18 year old working/college student a curfew at all. I would expect her to be quiet when coming in while others are sleeping, but I think a 10 pm curfew for an adult is absurd.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. But she does need to be quiet when she comes home.

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

Don't ask if you can't handle the responses. Your house your rules but you opened the door when you said "Am I being unreasonable?" Yes, IMO you are.

Perhaps it is time to look into 12 month University housing options, that is what we did after the first summer back from college that DS spent with us.

I'm not clear on one thing, does your DD live at home and attend college or does she live at school and is home for break?

Our basic rules when son is home from school:

If you are not coming home please send me a text so when I wake up in the morning I don't start calling hospitals.

If you are going to be later than 2 am, please send a text so that when I wake up to pee and do my "rounds" I don't panic because you are not home.

If you leave after I go to bed, send me a text that I will discover on my nightly rounds.

Clean up your crap, you are now a guest in my house.

Don't wake us up.

Don't park in the driveway so that I can't get my car out of the garage in the morning or I will wake you up to move it, you won't be happy about it and neither will I.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Its the 18 year old's kitchen too. That being said, she should be quiet when she comes home and makes herself something to eat, she doesn't have to eat at work, she just needs to be quieter.

Well,'now that you mention it...no it is not.

But then again, that wasn't my point.

My point was that there is no age where being discourteous to folks in the rest of the home is okay.

It isn't a "curfew" issue.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Yikes. If you're already in bed by 10, I wouldn't worry with a curfew. I can't imagine giving my college student that early of a curfew. If you're already asleep, why does it matter if it's 10 or 2?

 

[Kathi OD]

I wouldn't give an 18 year old working/college student a curfew at all. I would expect her to be quiet when coming in while others are sleeping, but I think a 10 pm curfew for an adult is absurd.

I have to disagree. While I think that 10PM is a ridiculously early curfew for an 18yo in college, I don't think a curfew for an 18yo, living at home is unreasonable. My curfew for the college years was 1AM, unless I knew ahead of time that you were going to be later. There aren't too many places open after midnight where an 18 yo can go legally.

If you're my child, it doesn't matter how old you are or what year you are in college, I'm still concerned for your well-being and I just don't sleep well until I know you are home. Just because you're home on break doesn't mean the other people in the house are. The rest of us still have to get up and go to work in the morning or go to school. It's called consideration for the people who you are living with, and that's the real problem w/ OP's DD. She's not being considerate of her family when she makes enough noise to wake them up after being out.

 

[RadioNate]

I think a curfew for an 18 year old college student is absurd in general and 930-10pm is absolutely unreasonable.

THAT SAID.

Common courtesy is expected. No she shouldn't be waking people up when she comes in and she should absolutely be leaving a note or informing the parents of her plans. When she says she will be home around midnight, she should be home around midnight. There should be no banging of pots and pans or causing a huge ruckus. However, complete silence isn't 100% feasible either. Is the OP 100% silent when she gets up at 530. Has she ever woken the DD up though 'normal' activity when she wakes up?

Courtesy yes, curfew no.

If my parents treated me this way, I'd move out asap.

 

[princesshannahsmom]

You are not being unreasonable at all. My DH wakes up at 5:15 for work and I would have an absolute cow if anyone ever did anything like this to wake him up. It's all about respect and common consideration. The issue isn't about when she is getting in, it's about her waking up other people when she does.

I'd tell her she has a few choices, make herself a sandwich ahead of time and find her way to bed in silence so she doesn't wake up the people paying for the house, get her own place or come home early. I so would not tolerate anything that would disrupt my husband's sleep like this, I don't tolerate it now that my kids are 11 & 12 and I can't see that changing when they get bigger

I wake up at 5:25 EVERY (weekday) morning and I am not even IN BED at 10:00.

I still think 10:00 is a bit early for a grown woman's "curfew". I do agree with respect and being quiet, but giving her a curfew and then backing it down (to 9:30) because she was loud and disturbing, isn't going to solve the issue. Just talk to hear about being more respectful of people who are sleeping at that time.

 

[Nancyg56]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

No one has said any such thing. I think your DD has a courtesy issue and you have a control issue. She is an adult and insisting on a 9:30 curfew is rediculous. You need to work out a method so that she can eat when she gets home but is nto disturbing the entire household.

I only expect courtesy from my soon to be 18 year old. In other words, no curfew but I wouldn't want him to wake anyone up. I also want a rough idea of when he'll be home just like I would for anyone who lived here. It's not to get permission but just to keep from worrying when someone doesn't show up.

That is what we did. I knew about what time my kids would come in and if they were going to be out later I wanted a call so that I would know when I needed to start worrying. DH and I were early risers so I did want them to be quiet if we were in bed but I would never have expected them to not eat.

 

[JLTraveling]

OP--as others have said, I think you really just need to talk with your dd about being more considerate and work together to find ways to make that happen. Or, just start waking her up at 5:00 a.m..

I think that's the best natural consequence of all. If she wakes you up in the middle of the night, then you start being noisy when you get up. Don't actively wake her, but go about your normal business as loudly as possible. When she complains, promise to stop as soon as she does.

I have to disagree. While I think that 10PM is a ridiculously early curfew for an 18yo in college, I don't think a curfew for an 18yo, living at home is unreasonable. My curfew for the college years was 1AM, unless I knew ahead of time that you were going to be later. There aren't too many places open after midnight where an 18 yo can go legally.

If you're my child, it doesn't matter how old you are or what year you are in college, I'm still concerned for your well-being and I just don't sleep well until I know you are home. Just because you're home on break doesn't mean the other people in the house are. The rest of us still have to get up and go to work in the morning or go to school. It's called consideration for the people who you are living with, and that's the real problem w/ OP's DD. She's not being considerate of her family when she makes enough noise to wake them up after being out.

I agree with you that she's not being considerate when she makes noise in the middle of the night. But it's not considerate of you to impose a curfew on an adult. Along the "I just don't sleep well" lines, would you do the same to your DH? How about an adult roommate? What if you end up living in her house someday? Are you still going to force her to be in at a specific time? Would you like it if she did the same to you?

It's a regional thing whether there are places for an 18 year old that are open after midnight. I'm from New Orleans. One of my favorite clubs doesn't even OPEN until midnight, and 18 year olds can go inside, they just can't drink. A lot of clubs around the country are the same way. There's also midnight movies. Heck, I was director of a Rocky Horror Picture Show cast at 16. Not to mention blacklight bowling (we had 13 and 14 year olds in our midnight bowling group), house parties (which believe it or not, are not always designed around drinking or drugs), IHOP/Steak and Shake/Denny's... the list just goes on and on.

I think a curfew for an 18 year old college student is absurd in general and 930-10pm is absolutely unreasonable.

THAT SAID.

Common courtesy is expected. No she shouldn't be waking people up when she comes in and she should absolutely be leaving a note or informing the parents of her plans. When she says she will be home around midnight, she should be home around midnight. There should be no banging of pots and pans or causing a huge ruckus. However, complete silence isn't 100% feasible either. Is the OP 100% silent when she gets up at 530. Has she ever woken the DD up though 'normal' activity when she wakes up?

Courtesy yes, curfew no.

If my parents treated me this way, I'd move out asap.

ITA. Courtesy runs both ways.

 

[pixiewings71]

You know what, my house my rules. One major rule is/was (I have a DD22 so I've been thru this) during school times home by 10, unless you're working then home 30 minutes after your shift is over. On the weekends we don't have a curfew but during the week we sure do! I had no issues with DD being home at 11:30 if she was working until 11 but she also had enough respect not to bang around in the house waking us all up. We have what we call "quiet hours". LOL Similar to when you're camping and the campground has a rule of no noise between 11 & 8 am, well our times are 11 & 10 am. During the week we are all up before 10 am and on the weekends we are up later then 11 but you get the general idea. Your DD needs to understand that you get up early, and the noise she makes is disruptive, if she wants to stay out then she needs to respect others who live in the house and be quiet when she gets home.

That's my opinion anyway.

 

[princessmom29]

yes, a 10pm curfew for an 18 year old is a bit much. Consideration for others in the house is not. If she comes in late, then she should not wake anyone. Do you think that perhaps the noisei s a passive aggressive rebellion agianst the silly curfew???