Opinions on grown child's curfew...

[disneyfav4ever]

I would ask her to be quiet when she came home, but I would not give her a curfew.

 

[HM]

I lived in the same town I went to college in, but lived in dorms during school.
Until I graduated HS, my curfew was midnight on weekends and I didn't go out on weeknights unless working on a play.

Once I went to college, I found that most things didn't even start until after 10pm (after study hours) and that's when we'd go out...coming home around 2am. My parents let me continue this when I was at home. I was respectful of the others in the house (I had a sister and brother in elementary school as well as a HS sister) and didn't make noise. I would never have thought to take time to make food.

Maybe your daughter could have a small refrigerator in her room, so she can grab something in there when she gets home? But I definitely think a curfew for her isn't the way to go.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I'm trying to decide if I am being unresonable here. My daughter (18)is a full time college student (who is done with the semester), she also works part time, mainly evenings til anywhere from 10-12. I currently have her have to be home during the week by 10 pm when she is not working, but like last night she comes in at 10 and proceeds to fix herself dinner (leftover). We have a fairly small house so of course with her banging around the kitchen she wakes people up. My husband and I both have early jobs, we get up by 5:15 everyday and I am out the door with my youngest by 6:30.

So I told my oldest that she needs to start coming home at 9:30 during the week because we have to get up so early. She of course got very upset and thinks I am treating her like a baby, but I'm telling her this is about respect for others. I did even say fine keep it at 10, but you better make sure you eat before you come home and she is still fuming. Am I wrong or what? I just would like some outside opinions from those of you with older children.

Thanks

Tell her to keep the noise level down but otherwise, yep you're being unreasonable.

 

[luvmy3]

I wouldn't give an 18 year old working/college student a curfew at all. I would expect her to be quiet when coming in while others are sleeping, but I think a 10 pm curfew for an adult is absurd.

MTE.

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

I agree with you that she should have rules while still living at home, but I think an 18 year old should be able to stay out past 10PM on a weeknight. What she shouldn't be doing is making a ton of noise while others are sleeping, thats just common courtesy and respect. To me thats a seperate issue as teh curfew. Its your rule though, and some may see it as unreasonable for your dd's age, but that doesn't make you a shrew

Curfew aside, she's just being rude. Time for a lesson in proper planning. Why not take her "lunch/dinner" to work and eat it on break. Even on a 15 minute clock out, she can eat a sandwich.

I'm 36 and if I banged around in someone else's kitchen, I might not be welcome long. Just sayin'.

It's not a curfew issue.

Good luck.

Its the 18 year old's kitchen too. That being said, she should be quiet when she comes home and makes herself something to eat, she doesn't have to eat at work, she just needs to be quieter.

 

[DizBelle]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

What you have to realize is that you have two separate issues here. The curfew and the noise. And one does not affect the other. She does not have to be noisy when she comes home, whenever that is.

You're instituting an earlier curfew in hopes that it will curb the noise when what you really should be doing is addressing the noise issue.

 

[MulanUSAF]

My parents never gave me a curfew when I was in college. But they did have rules when I was living at home during vacations. I think they were pretty reasonable for the most part.

1. If everyone else have gone to bed, no noisemakers allowed. (TV, stereo, video games, etc.)
2. After mom goes to bed, the kitchen is closed. If I'm hungry, I can have a snack that does not involve heating. PBJs, cold cut sandwich, crackers etc. Mom was paranoid about someone leaving the stove or oven on and burning the house down.
3. No overnight friends without prior permission, "day" friends must leave before 10pm.

 

[Christine]

What you have to realize is that you have two separate issues here. The curfew and the noise. And one does not affect the other. She does not have to be noisy when she comes home, whenever that is.

Sometimes in a very small house, it's impossible to not wake someone up. Heck in a larger house, it's hard. My house is all hardwood floors and every.single.noise is magnified. You should hear when someone uses the refrigerator ice dispenser. It sounds like rocks hitting glass and it carries straight up to my bedroom. Same with the microwave--just very, very noisy.

It stinks but I've learned to live with it. A white noise machine helps.

 

[Mandychelle79]

I was still in high school when I was 18 and when I came home for Christmas break my freshman year I was 19.

My parents were odd. Never had a set curfew, just a be back by this time, which was able to change depending on what I was doing.

Even when I was 21 and living at the house I was required to wake my mom up when I got in so she knew I was safe. Telling dad I was home did not count

My parents also had an open door/ open bed type of policy. My friends knew it and many used it. They didnt think they could make it the rest of the way home, they would crash on the floor, futon, chairs. But I did have a basement that was finished for that reason.

 

[NewCrew42]

What you have to realize is that you have two separate issues here. The curfew and the noise. And one does not affect the other. She does not have to be noisy when she comes home, whenever that is.

You're instituting an earlier curfew in hopes that it will curb the noise when what you really should be doing is addressing the noise issue.

I agree. She didn't break curfew. Why change the curfew... It seems that having her home earlier would only give her 30 minutes more to make noise and disrespect you for a longer period of time in the evening.

I would ask her to be quiet in the house after she arrives home. If she makes too much noise in the kitchen, she loses that priviledge. If she watches TV with the volume too loud, she loses that priviledge. If she listens to music too loud, she loses that priviledge. BTW, my DS15 bought headphones for our TV so that he can watch TV and play PS3 late without disturbing anyone.

The natural and logical consequence of being too loud late at night in the kitchen is that you can't use the kitchen at that time. I also believe in a little grace. You can accidently drop something. So I would issue a warning, please be quiet at night when you use the kitchen, and then if she repeats the behavior, she can't use the kitchen after 10:00 p.m. So, if she wants to use the kitchen before 10:00 p.m., she has to decide to come home early. She doesn't have to come home early because you gave her a new curfew. KWIM

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

OK, so did you ask for opinions in hopes of heaing everyone say "You are absolutely right" and now you're all out of joint because some folks are tlling you what they think and you don't like it?

No one called you a shrew.

An 18 year old is not a child. A 930 curfew for a legal adult is not appropriate.

Tell her she must be quiet when coming in and not make excessive noise so as to not wake up the household. If the smell of her cooking at night bothers you, ask her to either eat out on her late nights or make a sandwich before she leaves so she doesn't have to bang around the kitchen.

 

[MIGrandma]

I can't imagine a college student having a 10 p.m. curfew. That seems awfully early to me. Heck, my DD didn't even have a curfew when she started college. She lived in the dorm during the week and was home on weekends until Christmas, when she decided to move back home for good and just commute. I figured she didn't have a curfew at college, why should she at home?

I suppose I would have changed my mind if she were an irresponsible person, but she was very considerate (would call letting us know where she was and approx. when she'd be home, even though we didn't ask her to).

If I were you, I do think I would talk to her about being more quiet when she comes home at night since you get up early to go to work. Then if she couldn't be quiet, the kitchen would be off limits when she gets home.

 

[Planogirl]

I only expect courtesy from my soon to be 18 year old. In other words, no curfew but I wouldn't want him to wake anyone up. I also want a rough idea of when he'll be home just like I would for anyone who lived here. It's not to get permission but just to keep from worrying when someone doesn't show up.

 

[Mandychelle79]

Ive seen this type of post before, but it was an 18 yr old high school senior and the replies were very different.

 

[beaucoup]

let me get this straight. You have a 10 pm curfew on a grown woman in college??? That is way beyond unreasonable even before you start trying to back it up to 9:30. The issue here isn't, or shouldn't be, what time she comes home. The real issue is respect for the members of the household who have to get up early. That's a valuable lesson that she'll need later on when she lives with roommates or works opposite shifts from her future spouse.

You need to sit down with her and have a calm conversation about respect, which, incidentally cuts both ways. You need to respect her as an adult who is capable of making her own decisions about what time to come home. In turn, she needs to respect the rest of the family as people who are already asleep when she gets there. If she comes home hungry, she's certainly allowed to eat. But it is possible to be very quiet when heating up food. There is also an onus on you to try not to hear her moving around. What about a white noise machine? Sleeping with the tv or radio on at a low volume?

The two of you can work out an arrangement that works for everyone, but only if you approach her in an "adult roommates" manner rather than a parent-child dynamic. Give some respect to get some respect.

mte.

 

[RitaE]

I am going to quote from one of my favorite books of the year that perfectly states my opinion of curfews in regards to an adult child:

Sh*T My Dad Says, by Justin Halperin

On Curfew
“I don’t give a **** what time you get home, just don’t wake me up. That’s your curfew: not waking me up.”

 

[pennymom]

I am going to quote from one of my favorite books of the year that perfectly states my opinion of curfews in regards to an adult child:

Sh*T My Dad Says, by Justin Halperin

ITA...if your daughter was living away in a dorm, she would have NO curfew, and you are not doing her any favors by treating her like a child. I agree with a PP who said that it is time to sit her down for a talk about respecting those who are sleeping and that she needs to be quiet after a certain time. It would also be considerate if she let you know if she isn't going to make it home so that you don't worry. But she is an adult and should not have a curfew of any kind.

 

[MichelleVW]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

So you posted to have people agree with you and now that they don't you're getting offended?

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I am going to quote from one of my favorite books of the year that perfectly states my opinion of curfews in regards to an adult child:

Sh*T My Dad Says, by Justin Halperin

I love that book and I agree complete with his dad (on this point and many others as well). Too bad the show isn't as good as the book.

 

[ReneeA]

Most evening classes on college campuses run from 6p-10p. Even if she were to take one of those, she wouldn't make it home in time for curfew. IMO, there is no way that I would impose that on another adult. Talk to her about keeping quiet when she gets home, but let the girl have a little space.

 

[luvsJack]

I had a grown child at home for a few years and our house is fairly small and I get up at 4:30, so we had this problem too.

I told him we needed to figure out how to solve it together. I would never tell him he couldn't eat, so we decided he could quietly make a sandwich or a salad or I could fix him a plate ealier to be microwaved when he got home rather than his getting things out to cook. He got some earphones for his TV so that solved that problem. And I kept some kind of white noise going to help too. We just looked at it as more than one adult living in the house and how do we fix a problem we are having.