Opinions on grown child's curfew...

[kimmyann]

I'm trying to decide if I am being unresonable here. My daughter (18)is a full time college student (who is done with the semester), she also works part time, mainly evenings til anywhere from 10-12. I currently have her have to be home during the week by 10 pm when she is not working, but like last night she comes in at 10 and proceeds to fix herself dinner (leftover). We have a fairly small house so of course with her banging around the kitchen she wakes people up. My husband and I both have early jobs, we get up by 5:15 everyday and I am out the door with my youngest by 6:30.

So I told my oldest that she needs to start coming home at 9:30 during the week because we have to get up so early. She of course got very upset and thinks I am treating her like a baby, but I'm telling her this is about respect for others. I did even say fine keep it at 10, but you better make sure you eat before you come home and she is still fuming. Am I wrong or what? I just would like some outside opinions from those of you with older children.

Thanks

 

[krcit]

My oldest is only 15 but I can't imagine giving her a 9:30 or 10:00 curfew when she is in college. I would explain that she needs to be considerate of the rest of the family when she comes home but to me, that curfew seems a bit unreasonable. I'll get back to you in 3 years though

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't have grown children, but once I turned 18, I had no curfew (and my parents were very strict - no going out on school nights unless it was a school activity, and instead of having a curfew, I had to tell them my plans, and then they'd give me a time). Once I was in college, I didn't even tell them what time I'd be home (when I went home - I went away to college). I'd just ask her to be more considerate. If she went away to college, she wouldn't have a curfew.

 

[sbsteel]

Ask her to be more considerate of those sleeping and need to get up early and keep noise to a bare minimum when she comes home. 9:30 or 10:00 is unreasonable IMHO and even my parents (on the stricter side of the parenting spectrum) wouldn't have done that. Can't you just ask her to let you know if she'll be out late instead of instituting a curfew?

 

[minkydog]

We had this issue with our oldest son and we're about to have it again with DD17. It is certainly your right to make a curfew when they're living in your house. However, I think 9:30 is completely unreasonable. Unless, of course, you are trying to get her to leave.

Like you, I was sensitive to the noise created when DS came home. Actually, I had DS plus a foster son who were the same age. Both of them have ADHD and it was like living with Golden Retriever puppies. They'd want to come in at midnight and start cooking and carrying on. Meanwhile the dog would bark and DH would get all disturbed(he's disabled and needs his rest.) FInally, I had to put my foot down. 1) No more cooking in the middle of the night, period. It worried my husband to death that they would leave something burning. And the scents woke both of us up every night. 2) If you come in later than 11pm, you must come in via the basement door so as to make as little stir as possible. 3) No practicing your guitar or piano in the middle of the night. Yeah. You'd think we wouldn't have to say that. ADHD at its finest. For the most part, those rules worked for us.

 

[JLTraveling]

Let me get this straight. You have a 10 PM curfew on a grown woman in college??? That is way beyond unreasonable even before you start trying to back it up to 9:30. The issue here isn't, or shouldn't be, what time she comes home. The real issue is respect for the members of the household who have to get up early. That's a valuable lesson that she'll need later on when she lives with roommates or works opposite shifts from her future spouse.

You need to sit down with her and have a calm conversation about respect, which, incidentally cuts both ways. You need to respect her as an adult who is capable of making her own decisions about what time to come home. In turn, she needs to respect the rest of the family as people who are already asleep when she gets there. If she comes home hungry, she's certainly allowed to eat. But it is possible to be very quiet when heating up food. There is also an onus on you to try NOT to hear her moving around. What about a white noise machine? Sleeping with the TV or radio on at a low volume?

The two of you can work out an arrangement that works for everyone, but only if you approach her in an "adult roommates" manner rather than a parent-child dynamic. Give some respect to get some respect.

 

[okeydokey]

I wouldn't give an 18 year old working/college student a curfew at all. I would expect her to be quiet when coming in while others are sleeping, but I think a 10 pm curfew for an adult is absurd.

 

[Hannathy]

I think you are wrong very wrong!!!

I can't imagine trying to put a curfew on an adult-especially 9:30 or 10. My goodness my DD doesn't even go out a lot of times till then. If someone is working they will meet after they are done and go somewhere or hang out.
My DD doesn't have a curfew when she comes home from school, all I ask is if it is going to be real late like 3 let me know so I lock the door when I go to bed. She has a key. Also let me know if she isn't coming home so I'm not worried if I get up and she isn't there.

If she has been away at school she isn't the little girl you used to have and is not used to having a curfew at all so of course she is railling! I would to especially a 10 o clock one. My DD never came home then even in high school.

Give her a key, tell her to be quiet and go to bed. Now if she isn't quiet get mad at her about that but don't give her a curfew! and if you must it can't be 10 for heavens sake.

 

[LuvOrlando]

You are not being unreasonable at all. My DH wakes up at 5:15 for work and I would have an absolute cow if anyone ever did anything like this to wake him up. It's all about respect and common consideration. The issue isn't about when she is getting in, it's about her waking up other people when she does.

I'd tell her she has a few choices, make herself a sandwich ahead of time and find her way to bed in silence so she doesn't wake up the people paying for the house, get her own place or come home early. I so would not tolerate anything that would disrupt my husband's sleep like this, I don't tolerate it now that my kids are 11 & 12 and I can't see that changing when they get bigger

 

[Christine]

We have similar issues with my 19 y/o college daughter, We both get up at 4:00-4:30 a.m. and have another child at home who goes to high school and doesn't need to be woken up in the middle of the night either.

Fortunately, her nighttime outings are not excessive but I have relented and allow her to stay out until midnight or so as long as she lets me know. She only does this about once a week so it hasn't been a big deal. We've also had discussions about her being quiet when she comes home. She knows not to go clanging around in the kitchen, watch TV or anything like that unless she can do it very quietly.

 

[MichelleVW]

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. But she does need to be quiet when she comes home.

 

[kimmyann]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

 

[pearlieq]

I wouldn't give an 18 year old working/college student a curfew at all. I would expect her to be quiet when coming in while others are sleeping, but I think a 10 pm curfew for an adult is absurd.

This is what I was thinking too.

I would add that I would maybe expect her to give me a heads up when she's planning to be gone overnight or get back super late, but I don't think it's right to impose a curfew on an 18 year old college student.

It's time to start treating her like an adult, and it's time to start expecting her to act like an adult in terms of being considerate when she comes in late.

 

[Acklander]

I'd just ask her to be quieter when she gets in, and buy earplugs. Between the 2 you should be able to have uninterupted sleep.

 

[Hannathy]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

And we all agree with your one rule! not to wake everyone up in the middle of the night. Period end of story. Do you really think she has a curfew at school? that anyone checks what time she gets in? If she is able to do that there why should she need one at home?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Curfew aside, she's just being rude. Time for a lesson in proper planning. Why not take her "lunch/dinner" to work and eat it on break. Even on a 15 minute clock out, she can eat a sandwich.

I'm 36 and if I banged around in someone else's kitchen, I might not be welcome long. Just sayin'.

It's not a curfew issue.

Good luck.

 

[ilovejack02]

Wow, I must be a total shrew. Now on the weekends she does not have to be home at a certain time, just let us know when she is planning to so I don't worry. I'm surprised that so many feel it's okay for her to come and go as she pleases, idk, my thinking is she doesn't pay rent, so she has to have some rules if she wants to live here and one of those is to not wake us up in the middle of the night just because she gets to sleep most of the day. I must be crazy.

My oldest is 21, once he hit 18 the rule was , be very very quiet , Dad gets up at 4 am, but were times we still heard him even though he was quiet, other rule was you need to lets us know if you are coming home or not. That was about it .

I totally agree, learn to be respectful of others should be the number one rule of the house ! As far as curfew , I wouldn't have one.

I can remember my DS cooking a few times that late ughh.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

My daughter is not 18 yet but once I hit 18 my parents no longer gave me a time to be home. I still let them know where I was going and gave them a estimate on what time I would be home but this was not a requirement, just something I did to be respectful to them.

Your second request, on the other hand, is far from unreasonable. If she is going to be coming home late and the rest of the house has to get up early, then she needs to make sure she is not making noise and waking everyone up. If she can't heat up left overs without make huge amounts of noise, then she needs to eat before coming home or go without IMO.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm trying to decide if I am being unresonable here. My daughter (18)is a full time college student (who is done with the semester), she also works part time, mainly evenings til anywhere from 10-12. I currently have her have to be home during the week by 10 pm when she is not working, but like last night she comes in at 10 and proceeds to fix herself dinner (leftover). We have a fairly small house so of course with her banging around the kitchen she wakes people up. My husband and I both have early jobs, we get up by 5:15 everyday and I am out the door with my youngest by 6:30.

So I told my oldest that she needs to start coming home at 9:30 during the week because we have to get up so early. She of course got very upset and thinks I am treating her like a baby, but I'm telling her this is about respect for others. I did even say fine keep it at 10, but you better make sure you eat before you come home and she is still fuming. Am I wrong or what? I just would like some outside opinions from those of you with older children.

Thanks

If my dd was home late and waking people up then I would tell her that she is not allowed in the kitchen after we go to bed, the end.

I would not impose a curfew though. That is why my dd is 3hrs away in a dorm and she prefers it that way as well.

 

[Anna114]

I think differently, a little. While my son doesn't have a curfew because he has always been considerate and lets me know where he is and when he will be home. That having been said, it's your home and you make the rules. If those are your rules then so be it. She has options if she doesn't like it. When I was in the NYPD, one night, I had made an arrest and was going to be in Brooklyn Central Booking until the morning. I called my parents and let them know I was going to be late. It really is about courtesy. I would imagine the more responsible she acts the more lax the rules will become.