Opinions on a sensitive subject, please

[bdcp]

Thank you for the extra input. I do agree with everything you said, especially that I have no real proof of a relapse. DH has his moments of frustration with our "recovery", but he has also shown sincerity (at times), so I have every intention of approaching this in a non accusatory way. I keep rehearsing how to start, but I am not quite sure how yet. Gotta work on that today. No rely from my "friend" either, which is not surprising.

But thanks again for the support, etc.. It does help

S

He still shouldn't have any contact with your "friend" that doesn't involve you completely. That would go a long way to helping you trust him completely. The fact that you uncomfortable is what's important. I don't see this as being "jealous" at all. Your DH should be bending over backwards to prove his intentions and that should never include contact with a female that you aren't 100% aware of all the time. And, for that matter with your history, he shouldn't have relationships with any women that aren't family. Most affairs aren't about unfulfilled sexual appetites. They're about emotional relationships. Ask any man who's "strayed" and most will not say it was about sex. Every affair I know about started out as a "friendship", someone to talk to, etc.

 

[krcit]

OP, I'm thinking of you and hope that you're doing ok. Please don't let your DH 'pooh-pooh' your concerns, if you know what I mean. I have a fear that he will minimize your feelings and make you feel like you're being paranoid. Escpecially because I'm sure that your 'friend' let him know that the jig is up after she got your email. I'm sure he's all ready with an explanation. Now, I'm not saying that for sure soemthing is going on yet but the fact that it bothers you that he and thsi girl communicate should be enough for him to end it with no arguments.

 

[RadioNate]

I just went through this again last night. Same MO as your H, OP. Online 'fantasy' about 4 years ago. I forgave, did counseling and things got better.

Until he met her. He moved here 5 months before me and made a friend. For the last 6 months I've been called paranoid, told I have trust issues, anxiety issues and was just plan wrong.

Guess what. Last night I found proof. TRUST YOUR GUT. You are smarter and know more than you think.

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

 

[Scurvy]

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

I'm so sorry. I hope your new life turns out to be better than the old one in every way.

 

[horseshowmom]

I just went through this again last night. Same MO as your H, OP. Online 'fantasy' about 4 years ago. I forgave, did counseling and things got better.

Until he met her. He moved here 5 months before me and made a friend. For the last 6 months I've been called paranoid, told I have trust issues, anxiety issues and was just plan wrong.

Guess what. Last night I found proof. TRUST YOUR GUT. You are smarter and know more than you think.

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

I'm sorry. At the very least, you know you tried and did your part and can end things with your chin held high. I know that things have got to be tough right now, but you're right, they'll be better one day. I'm sorry...

 

[rie'smom]

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

I'm sorry your life as you knew it ended. Hoping that your new life is everything you deserve.

 

[krcit]

I just went through this again last night. Same MO as your H, OP. Online 'fantasy' about 4 years ago. I forgave, did counseling and things got better.

Until he met her. He moved here 5 months before me and made a friend. For the last 6 months I've been called paranoid, told I have trust issues, anxiety issues and was just plan wrong.

Guess what. Last night I found proof. TRUST YOUR GUT. You are smarter and know more than you think.

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

I'm so sorry. i wish you all the happiness you deserve in life.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I just went through this again last night. Same MO as your H, OP. Online 'fantasy' about 4 years ago. I forgave, did counseling and things got better.

Until he met her. He moved here 5 months before me and made a friend. For the last 6 months I've been called paranoid, told I have trust issues, anxiety issues and was just plan wrong.

Guess what. Last night I found proof. TRUST YOUR GUT. You are smarter and know more than you think.

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

You sound like a very strong woman. He doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve him. Here's to your new life.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I just went through this again last night. Same MO as your H, OP. Online 'fantasy' about 4 years ago. I forgave, did counseling and things got better.

Until he met her. He moved here 5 months before me and made a friend. For the last 6 months I've been called paranoid, told I have trust issues, anxiety issues and was just plan wrong.

Guess what. Last night I found proof. TRUST YOUR GUT. You are smarter and know more than you think.

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

It's his loss. Infidelity shows a lot about character. Just remember, he is the one with the problem not you. Don't internalize what he has done. Let him own it.

I'm sorry. It's hard no matter what is said and done. Be good to yourself and extra good to your children.

 

[pl'smama]

I just went through this again last night. Same MO as your H, OP. Online 'fantasy' about 4 years ago. I forgave, did counseling and things got better.

Until he met her. He moved here 5 months before me and made a friend. For the last 6 months I've been called paranoid, told I have trust issues, anxiety issues and was just plan wrong.

Guess what. Last night I found proof. TRUST YOUR GUT. You are smarter and know more than you think.

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

Thank you for sharing this with me Alison. I am truly very sorry for you and your children. I hope that things turn out the way you need them to. I know I have learned about what I can handle and that although adversity sucks, it does make you stronger. Virtual hugs to you from me. I suggest you have a peek at the surviving infidelity website that is mentioned in a Redbook article another poster directed me to. I found the site to be helpful to a degree. You may as well. God bless you and your kids. I am thinking of you all.

S

 

[pl'smama]

Hi all. Well, my weekend did not go as planned. Due to a sick child and a migraine (mine) and DH getting called in to work, well I did not get to talk to him. Life got in the way. I did hear back from my friend. She was very contrite. Said she never meant to be so insensitive to my situation, that her loyalties have always been to me, not DH. She said she felt awful to think I have felt betrayed again. She says she has never chatted outside email with DH, but she could understood my point of view. It was basically a run on apology. She said she will never email him again, yada yada yada. I was actually thinking she would ignore my email for as long as she could, but she even called me tonight. I did not answer, but she left a big long message about how she is sorry for any problems she may have caused etc.
She even went on to say that she thinks my DH is still sincere in wanting to
Fix our marriage and that he has never said anything out of hand or inappropriate to her.

She is either a good bs'er or maybe telling the truth. I don't know now. She even invited me over for lunch next weekend to talk it out, just the two of us. I think I am going crazy, really and truly. I also did not find any emails from her to him this weekend and I did not actually tell her I had been reading them. Frustration is my middle name right now. No wonder I still have a
Migraine.

S

 

[RadioNate]

Hi all. Well, my weekend did not go as planned. Due to a sick child and a migraine (mine) and DH getting called in to work, well I did not get to talk to him. Life got in the way. I did hear back from my friend. She was very contrite. Said she never meant to be so insensitive to my situation, that her loyalties have always been to me, not DH. She said she felt awful to think I have felt betrayed again. She says she has never chatted outside email with DH, but she could understood my point of view. It was basically a run on apology. She said she will never email him again, yada yada yada. I was actually thinking she would ignore my email for as long as she could, but she even called me tonight. I did not answer, but she left a big long message about how she is sorry for any problems she may have caused etc.
She even went on to say that she thinks my DH is still sincere in wanting to
Fix our marriage and that he has never said anything out of hand or inappropriate to her.

She is either a good bs'er or maybe telling the truth. I don't know now. She even invited me over for lunch next weekend to talk it out, just the two of us. I think I am going crazy, really and truly. I also did not find any emails from her to him this weekend and I did not actually tell her I had been reading them. Frustration is my middle name right now. No wonder I still have a
Migraine.

S

Stay strong. I'm hoping things work out. If things are on the up & up it'll be apparent. If not, that will show itself too.

Thanks for everyone's kind words. We will be ok. I know this. Today we cried. All day long. Tomorrow we will start to move on. I know the road ahead won't always be easy but it is better than the lies.

I've been up for about 38 hours, time to rest.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Stay strong. I'm hoping things work out. If things are on the up & up it'll be apparent. If not, that will show itself too.

Thanks for everyone's kind words. We will be ok. I know this. Today we cried. All day long. Tomorrow we will start to move on. I know the road ahead won't always be easy but it is better than the lies.

I've been up for about 38 hours, time to rest.

I'm so sorry for the hard times you are going through. You sound amazingly strong, you will get past all this.

 

[december]

I just went through this again last night. Same MO as your H, OP. Online 'fantasy' about 4 years ago. I forgave, did counseling and things got better.

Until he met her. He moved here 5 months before me and made a friend. For the last 6 months I've been called paranoid, told I have trust issues, anxiety issues and was just plan wrong.

Guess what. Last night I found proof. TRUST YOUR GUT. You are smarter and know more than you think.

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

So sorry RadioNate. This exact thing happened to my best friend, except she was left with 5 kids! Her ex-h moved several months before her. When she moved, she was constantly telling me about his work friend, how he always wanted to socialize with her and her spouse, how she just didn't have a good feeling, but he denied everything........until he walked out, and so did the "friend."

OP, I hope you get the answers you need. Dh hasn't cheated, but things had not been right with us for months. I had so much resentment building up in me. Finally, last week, we talked, cried, and cleared the air. It felt so good to get it all out, and dh has bent over backwards to make things right again. Whether he is cheating or not, you have to let him know how you feel!

 

[pl'smama]

Well, I finally had a talk with DH last night. I think it went well. He was not defensive nor did he belittle my feelings. He listened, he apologized and he said I will never email get again. He went on to say that he figured she was a safe person to chat with via email, because he knew I could trust her. He also said he does not believe she has an ulterior motive. He said he understands my discomfort, he is sorry to have caused it.

I did feel relieved after our talk, but I also was a bit annoyed. He didn't think she was capable of deceiving me and told me more than once that she
Is a great friend to me. I replied while that may be true to a degree, a great friend should have been completely aware how this emailing relationship would appear to me, all things considered. I said as a woman who has cheated she knows how to hide things and she knows your weakness. For such a great
Friend she sure cared more about chatting him up then making me comfortable with that relationship. As I pointed out to him, she kept quiet about the while thing.

So now I have them both saying they will stop the emailing. That is good. He told me to check his phone, FB and email whenever I want. He said more than once that he wants us to move forward and he will do whatever is necessary to prove that.

So we shall see. I am still going to get a counselor for myself. I need to be able to express my fears to a third party and not always justify what I am thinking. So thank you to my fellow DISers for the advice and support. I really appreciate it. You guys have helped me to make a
Move and I am glad that I did.

Good luck to everyone who is in a similar situation. I have learned that it is not good to keep it all to yourself.

God bless you all,

S

 

[Miss Peach]

Thank you, so much, for coming back to give us the ending to this situation. It sounds like you handled it beautifully.

Going to talk to a counseler is such a good idea, keep in mind that counselers can be good, bad, or indifferent, so feel free to move one from your first one if you don't feel he/she is right.

Good luck to you and your family.

Blessings,

Cathy

 

[rie'smom]

Well, I finally had a talk with DH last night. I think it went well. He was not defensive nor did he belittle my feelings. He listened, he apologized and he said I will never email get again. He went on to say that he figured she was a safe person to chat with via email, because he knew I could trust her. He also said he does not believe she has an ulterior motive. He said he understands my discomfort, he is sorry to have caused it.

I did feel relieved after our talk, but I also was a bit annoyed. He didn't think she was capable of deceiving me and told me more than once that she
Is a great friend to me. I replied while that may be true to a degree, a great friend should have been completely aware how this emailing relationship would appear to me, all things considered. I said as a woman who has cheated she knows how to hide things and she knows your weakness. For such a great
Friend she sure cared more about chatting him up then making me comfortable with that relationship. As I pointed out to him, she kept quiet about the while thing.

So now I have them both saying they will stop the emailing. That is good. He told me to check his phone, FB and email whenever I want. He said more than once that he wants us to move forward and he will do whatever is necessary to prove that.

So we shall see. I am still going to get a counselor for myself. I need to be able to express my fears to a third party and not always justify what I am thinking. So thank you to my fellow DISers for the advice and support. I really appreciate it. You guys have helped me to make a
Move and I am glad that I did.

Good luck to everyone who is in a similar situation. I have learned that it is not good to keep it all to yourself.

God bless you all,

S

So happy for you that it has worked out!

 

[RadioNate]

Well, I finally had a talk with DH last night. I think it went well. He was not defensive nor did he belittle my feelings. He listened, he apologized and he said I will never email get again. He went on to say that he figured she was a safe person to chat with via email, because he knew I could trust her. He also said he does not believe she has an ulterior motive. He said he understands my discomfort, he is sorry to have caused it.

I did feel relieved after our talk, but I also was a bit annoyed. He didn't think she was capable of deceiving me and told me more than once that she
Is a great friend to me. I replied while that may be true to a degree, a great friend should have been completely aware how this emailing relationship would appear to me, all things considered. I said as a woman who has cheated she knows how to hide things and she knows your weakness. For such a great
Friend she sure cared more about chatting him up then making me comfortable with that relationship. As I pointed out to him, she kept quiet about the while thing.

So now I have them both saying they will stop the emailing. That is good. He told me to check his phone, FB and email whenever I want. He said more than once that he wants us to move forward and he will do whatever is necessary to prove that.

So we shall see. I am still going to get a counselor for myself. I need to be able to express my fears to a third party and not always justify what I am thinking. So thank you to my fellow DISers for the advice and support. I really appreciate it. You guys have helped me to make a
Move and I am glad that I did.

Good luck to everyone who is in a similar situation. I have learned that it is not good to keep it all to yourself.

God bless you all,

S

I am really really happy for you!

 

[nathalee81]

Well, I finally had a talk with DH last night. I think it went well. He was not defensive nor did he belittle my feelings. He listened, he apologized and he said I will never email get again. He went on to say that he figured she was a safe person to chat with via email, because he knew I could trust her. He also said he does not believe she has an ulterior motive. He said he understands my discomfort, he is sorry to have caused it.

I did feel relieved after our talk, but I also was a bit annoyed. He didn't think she was capable of deceiving me and told me more than once that she
Is a great friend to me. I replied while that may be true to a degree, a great friend should have been completely aware how this emailing relationship would appear to me, all things considered. I said as a woman who has cheated she knows how to hide things and she knows your weakness. For such a great
Friend she sure cared more about chatting him up then making me comfortable with that relationship. As I pointed out to him, she kept quiet about the while thing.

So now I have them both saying they will stop the emailing. That is good. He told me to check his phone, FB and email whenever I want. He said more than once that he wants us to move forward and he will do whatever is necessary to prove that.

So we shall see. I am still going to get a counselor for myself. I need to be able to express my fears to a third party and not always justify what I am thinking. So thank you to my fellow DISers for the advice and support. I really appreciate it. You guys have helped me to make a
Move and I am glad that I did.

Good luck to everyone who is in a similar situation. I have learned that it is not good to keep it all to yourself.

God bless you all,

S

Thank you for the update. I am so glad you are going to go to a counselor-a good one can really make things so much better (and I agree with the other poster who said to change counselors if you don't find yourself "connecting").
I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and wishing you the best.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I just went through this again last night. Same MO as your H, OP. Online 'fantasy' about 4 years ago. I forgave, did counseling and things got better.

Until he met her. He moved here 5 months before me and made a friend. For the last 6 months I've been called paranoid, told I have trust issues, anxiety issues and was just plan wrong.

Guess what. Last night I found proof. TRUST YOUR GUT. You are smarter and know more than you think.

Today my life ended, tomorrow a new one begins.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My cousin is married to a well-known person and the same thing happened to her. He called her paranoid, as well as other things. She finally found definite proof on Dec 28th, and he moved out. She's in a lot of pain right now. All of her family is in Texas, and she doesn't have too many friends (they moved to Palo Alto 3 years ago), so I went up this past weekend for some moral support.

She'll get through it, too, but it's just hard. Like I said, I'm sorry you're having to go through this pain.