On the subject of funerals...mortuary did a terrible job!

[mom3sonstt]

The worst one I had been to was my grandmothers - and looking back I don't know if it was as awful as I remember it or just everything else about the funeral made it seem worse to me. She died August 3, but her funeral wasn't for about 10 days later. Her oldest daughter lived in Seattle, her husband was a college professor - he couldn't come back until after finals, and she wouldn't come without him so the funeral was postponed. At the visitation some of the flowers were already starting to show their age. I don't know if they had been ordered and delivered earlier and then sat around waiting on the funeral or if the florists didn't send as fresh of flowers. Grandma didn't look like Grandma....not really. She had had a stroke in January, and was doing ok in rehab for a few months, but then she kept having mini-strokes. She had never come home. In those months her church got a new pastor. If you walked in to the funeral service 5 minutes late you wouldn't have known whose funeral it was. There was nothing personal about it at all. The pastor had never met her. Two months earlier my mother in law had died. Several pastors who had retired or moved to other churches came back, lots of people gave readings or sang songs. It was the most personal, beautiful service I had ever been to. Then to go 2 months later and have my grandmother, who until the last 7 or 8 months of her life, had been a very active and involved member of the community get "sent off" with a generic funeral service and wilting flowers was just awful to me.

 

[Silent1CB]

Have I? Yes.
DH's step mother was strangled. Body found 3 days later. Winter luckily. But still.

First day of wake was closed casket - with a lovely framed photo on top.
Wake morning of funeral, her daughter decided she wanted the casket opened.

We were all warned by the funeral home. We were told we didn't need to go into the room if we didn't want to. It was pretty graphic.

I sooooo wished I had not gone in --- and just remembered her the way she was when she was alive.

Honestly, there was nothing the funeral home could have done to make her look any better.

 

[msjprincess]

From my own personal standpoint, I think ALL caskets should be closed. I refer to remember the person as they were living and vibrant, not as a corpse that people are commenting on whether or not they look good in death...I still have the vision of my Mom in her casket and it still haunts me that this is the last way I remember her

Aside from that, I have had one friend that looked absolutely angelic in her casket and if they have a casket catalog she could have been a model in one. She was 14 and had been thrown from a vehicle. The makeup, clothing and the way her hair was done hid everything! She truly looked like a sleeping princess. It was really hard to believe she wasn't going to wake up from that.

The absolute WORST job I have ever seen was another friend who had been murdered. She had been strangled and there was no hiding it, although the morticians did try with at least a gallon of makeup caked in blotches all over her neck. On top of it, they did her hair in a way she never would have worn it and used makeup she would never have dreamed of using. She was 19 and looked 80 by the time they got done. I hated seeing her that way and could almost hear her cursing them all LOL

In some cases the person can look better. My mother died of cancer. She was skin and bones when she died. Her own sister didn't recognize her when she same to visit her in the hospital. I was convinced that we wouldn't be able to have an open casket. The funeral director told me to come early the day of the wake and make my decision after seeing her. They did a fantastic job, she actually looked like her old self. I'm so glad I decided to take his word for it.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I have never been to many funerals, but I guess I find a peace about seeing the person for the last time, even though I know "they " aren't there.

My BFF was killed in an auto accident and if I remember correctly only certain people were allowed to see her, I was one of those, as we were really close. She really looked like herself, you could tell there were some bruises, but someone that didn't know her well, probably wouldn't have noticed them. Her casket was covered with netting (like tulle), I have never seen that done before.

I was so upset over losing my mom, I don't remember even thinking about whether I wanted her casket open or not, but it was, except for the actual funeral. I just felt like I needed to see her one last time. She was only able to donate her corneas, but you couldn't tell that anything had been done, Her face was a bit swollen, but I was told that was because she died of a heart attack.

Suzanne

 

[Myothername]

Count me in as one who hates an open casket. I just think it is morbid to want to go see a dead body. Now for immediate family, I think it is necessary to be able to move on. My father died when I was 11 after a brief illness and I remember hearing people say how young he looked in the casket. I didn't care if he looked better I wanted to remember him the way I did. So I chose not to go to the funeral. Momma gave me the choice. But for years I had dreams that he was not dead and had been living somewhere else. I think if I had gone to the funeral and been able to see him I would have accepted it better.

A friend of my son's was killed in a car accident when they were 17. There were no visible injuries but he just did not look right in the casket. I heard someone say once that our bodies are like a glove and our soul is the hand. When we die the glove is still there but just is not the same. That is how it was with Brandon. It looked like him but just not the same.

I have told my husband though that if he has an open casket for me I will come back to haunt him.

 

[Arielle22]

A few years ago I went to a wake for an employee. He had been motorcyle racing on a track (inexperienced) and went down. He was run over by another bike which actually broke his neck.

While he looked like himself, you could see his neck was at an off angle, propped up by a pillow.

I have gone to many open casket funerals, including my parents. For me, it helped to bring closure.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I prefer closed casket remembering the loved one the way they were, rather than ravaged by disease, illness, accident or whatever....

Sorry for the loss of your friend OP!

 

[dicar123]

I'll be a voice of dissent here. My son was killed almost 4 years ago (hit by a car). We had been to a funeral (open casket) just a few months before for a good friend of the family. She had looked exactly like she was sleeping.

We didn't plan a full open-casket for our son, just visitation for family and invited friends, who could certainly choose to see him or not. I wanted to give people that opportunity if they needed it. I DREADED the idea of looking, but I thought maybe I really did need to see him. We had sent him off on a short trip and were informed that he was dead, and we didn't see him at all until the viewing 4 days later, and it really felt to me like he'd simply disappeared. I was afraid he would look like he was asleep and I thought that would be torturous!

My husband and I went together to look and he must have had the very same thought I did. Our son looked rather unnatural, and quite frankly, dead. Instead of being difficult, it made it easier. My son was looooong gone, this was just a shell. The only words my husband said were, "Boy, they made it easy for us, didn't they?"

 

[arminnie]

If the family wants an open casket then I have no problem with it. Nobody has to go up and look if they don't want to.

Although when a friend's husband died at a very young age I was living about 200 miles away. I couldn't leave until after work so I just missed the viewing. My friend made special arrangements with the funeral home for them to send someone to open the place up for me. It meant a lot to her so I went. I remember thinking - he's not there it's just a shell.

I didn't have to go do it - but it seemed to comfort his wife for me to go see him (about a 30 mile trip from her house).

Some of my family members really can't tolerate seeing a dead person. They go to the visitation but never go near the casket. When my mother died at home we had to have a police officer come out to verify her death before the funeral home could pick her up.

That task must be pretty low on the totem pole as they sent out a young woman who looked like she was about 15 - obviously a rookie cop. She wouldn't even go in the room where my mother was. She peeked her head in the door, and then said "Let's go back to the living room." I remember telling my family members that there could have been a murder with blood all over the walls and this cop would have missed it because she was obviously scared of dead bodies.

 

[janets]

As Joiseymom said, being Jewish we just don't do open caskets. But the majority of the funerals I have attended over the years are for non Jewish people that are family of people I know. And I think that all of them have been open casket.

Because most have the bench in front for praying, I don't usuallly go up, but it's unavoidable when you walk over. I find it a bit morbid actually.

When my dad died, we had the casket closed, but as the immediate family, we needed to "identify" the body before it was closed, so we saw daddy before the funeral. He died of lung cancer about a month after we found out he was sick so it was quick and bad. We got to the hospital moments after he passed and I think that was the worst moment for me...he looked so awful and dead in that hospital bed.

Because we don't embalm, we bury fast. I did see him and thought he looked okay, but I felt better after seeing him because I knew what my mom picked for him to wear...I know it sounds weird and sick, but she had him in a suit with a pink oxford shirt (he looked great in pink), with comfortable shoes (no one should have to spend eternity with your feet hurting) and there was a pocket in his shirt for his glasses. Just thinking about it makes me get weepy even 11 years later.

Anyway, once the family identified him, the casket was closed and that was it. I do admire when a funeral home can make a person ravaged by illness look better...it gives the family and friends some level of comfort.

I'm so sorry that you had such a bad time at your friend's funeral.

 

[zachnsamsmommy]

My grandfather just died on Thursday, and his service was today. He looked very good...better than the last time I saw him. He had been in assisted living, and had had two strokes...and deteriorated a lot from all that. The man in the casket today looked much more like my grandfather than he had looked the past 6 mos. I was so relieved to see 'him' today...and that he looked a lot like he did when I was younger.

I think there are always exceptions to the open casket...horrible accidents, children, or maybe if they had cancer. Basically, if the beauticians just can't make them look good.

I too have seen people that did not look good...but very few. I am glad my grandfather's casket was open today. I got to say goodbye to him...not just a casket.

 

[princessmom29]

I have never been to many funerals, but I guess I find a peace about seeing the person for the last time, even though I know "they " aren't there.

My BFF was killed in an auto accident and if I remember correctly only certain people were allowed to see her, I was one of those, as we were really close. She really looked like herself, you could tell there were some bruises, but someone that didn't know her well, probably wouldn't have noticed them. Her casket was covered with netting (like tulle), I have never seen that done before.

I was so upset over losing my mom, I don't remember even thinking about whether I wanted her casket open or not, but it was, except for the actual funeral. I just felt like I needed to see her one last time. She was only able to donate her corneas, but you couldn't tell that anything had been done, Her face was a bit swollen, but I was told that was because she died of a heart attack.

Suzanne

The netting is often used when ther has been some kind of trama. It makes it harder to see detail and makes poeple keep thier distance. It is kind of like oiling the lens on a phot. You get a softer image and little details don't show. We recently lost a 16 year old cousin in a car crash. They used it on her casket b/c the mom insisted it be open. They still shouldn't have opened the casket.

 

[Darsa]

dicar123, thank you for sharing that with us. to you and your husband.

 

[Poohbear123]

A friend of mine's Mom died on her way to Las Vegas...in New Mexico...the body was flown from New Mexico to Fl. The funeral was 9 days after her death...I was not thrilled she was going to have an open casket, but she did and her Mom looked Really good! My Friend put a Deck of cards and Dice in the casket, as she loved to gamble! 10 years ago, I had to take my Father in Law to see his wife a few hours after she died...my DH did NOT want to do it, I spoke up and did it, and he thanked me later...they were married over 50 years, fought like cats and dogs, but Father in Law bawled like a baby sitting next to her body in the 25 degree room we were in....

 

[chisnpeke]

My grandma did not have a visitation. Her casket was open for a while before the funeral but I did not go in. Everyone questioned why I didn't want to go see her. I was eleven years old and even then I knew I didn't want my last memory of her to be in that casket. My last memory of her was her in her hospice bed at home but that is still better than the casket.

My grandpa had a visitation that I did not go to. His funeral was closed casket and I am so thankful.

I have problems seeing people dead. They usually just look waxey and fake to me. It's so sad.

 

[mkymouse1928]

Generally, open caskets do not bother me. When my grandmother passed away a few years ago she looked just like she was sleeping. In fact she looked much better than she had in a really long time and was the grandma I remembered from my younger years.

More recently, my uncle died of complications from stroke. Had I not known that he had died and someone told me that was my uncle lying there in that casket, I would have laughed at them and said they were lying. The man that I saw lying there did not look at all like my beloved uncle. I think a large part of it was because he had died from a stroke.

 

[mantysk8coach]

I lost my stepfather and grandpa (my moms husband and father) within 4 months of each other in 2008. They both had closed casket, except my stepfather had a viewing just for immediate family. I have to say, as hard as it was to see him like that, I have much more of a sense of "closure" regarding my stepfathers death than my grandfathers, where I didn't get to see him at all. Not sure if the open vs. closed casket had something to do with it, or just the circumstances.

My grandpa died quickly from pancreatic cancer...diagnosed in early November, I saw him for the last time on Thanksgiving, and he passsed on December 6. I still have a very hard time accepting his death. I never expected that leaving my grandmas house on Thanksgiving that that would be the last time I'd ever see him. He was just starting to drift off to sleep in his easy chair when we left, and I said "goodnight" and he said goodnight back as we left, and that was the last image I ever have of him. He was hospitalized shortly after, and my mom and grandma strongly discouraged me from coming, so I wouldn't remember him that way. As hard as it would have been, I really feel like I would have accepted his death better had I gotten to see him that last time.

Sorry for rambling...I really haven't talked about this much since they died and it feels good to have a place to share! So thanks for reading.