On-line dating ..... getting cold feet

[charmin1976]

So, last weekend e-Harmony had a free weekend and I decided to try it. I've been e-mailing through e-Harmony with this guy (about 3 times) and he just sent me his real e-mail addy and phone number and wants to meet. I'm having second and third thoughts. It just seems like its moving too fast.

How do you handle this? I just really don't have a good feeling about this, but I don't want to be mean if it's just my cold feet (I haven't dated since my divorce two years ago.)

Help, please!!!

Charm

 

[ChrisFL]

As a guy, I'd say he's moving too quickly.

I think if you kindly explain that to him, assuming he does sincerely think you're someone he wants to get to know, he should be fine with taking it more slowly, or you can offer to meet him but bring a friend along with you, perhaps.

 

[hereyago]

I just really don't have a good feeling about this, but I don't want to be mean

Charm

Um, if you don't have a good feelng about it, then follow that instinct. Why do women worry if they come off as mean in a situation like that? Just write and say you want to talk more online that you think it is too fast to meet in person just yet. If he is worth anything, he will respect it, if not then so be it.

 

[SandrA9810]

There's nothing really wrong with meeting some one. It's about he approaches you after you do meet.

Some people are more personable, they don't do well over the phone/email. Just go to the mall, or some place for coffee. One guy I met from the net, we met at Cirqu de Soliel for the first time. And then we hung out at Disney Quest, then Sea World. It wasn't until like 3 weeks later I told him where I lived.

 

[amyy]

I agree that if you don't have a good feeling then don't meet. Have you emailed 2 or 3 times in the space of a day or the week? Have you even enjoyed the emails?

I am having a Disney wedding in a few months and we met on match.com. I would say we met in person about 2 weeks after we started emailing. We were both looking for someone to do things with so meeting made sense. That sounds silly as I read it but you know what I mean.

Good luck

 

[Tiana]

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[FireDancer]

There are a lot of variables that come in when you are meeting people online. It may or may not be too early depending on the tone of the email and what has proceeded it. For example, there is a difference between here is my number lets meet and here is my number, give me a call and maybe we can meet sometime.

There is really only so much you can get to know anyone via email. There is a lack of tone and while email may be two way the conversations are not. If you think about it an email is a one way conversation that is responded to with another one way conversation. I also suspect that age and circumstances has a lot to do with it.

Someone in their late 20's or early 30's with no children will have a different pace of life in general then someone a bit older or with a child. A quick meeting to grab some coffee and a sandwich at a cafe is quick and painless if you don't have to get a babysitter for example. If you both work downtown meeting up for lunch one day is different then driving 3 cities over for an evening at an upscale restaurant.

I wouldn't rule someone out just because they may seem a bit faster or slower paced at dating then me. Just set something up that is casual and public and you shouldn't have any worries about anything.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I met my husband online, and I was so anxious about moving too fast that I ended up making him wait almost a month before I agreed to meet him in person. In the meantime, he gave me a ton of personal information about himself (where he lived, worked, etc), and I gave him very little. When it started to get to the point wherehe thought I must be married, I decided it was probably time to meet.

My point is, if he isn't willing to wait until you are comfortable with it, then maybe he's not the right one. Part of what I liked so much about DH is that he let me do everything according to my own timeline.

 

[Jewel1310]

I think you should wait until you feel somewhat comfortable, but I don't think you should wait to long to meet for coffee or something short. It is easy when you use an online service and wait to meet to idealize the other person which can result in disappointment when you meet.

Online dating is a way to meet people you might not meet otherwise. Keep it low key until you meet. Voice and mannerisms have more power in attraction then you might realize until you try this type of activity.

You can meet without giving him your phone number or address or even last name. Meet for coffee in a public place. Let someone know where you are. Try to have fun and just enjoy the meet of a new person. He might not be "the one" but either way it will be a learning experience and another thing you have done in life.

The first time is the hardest!

 

[landshark]

I met my now DBF online and we talked frequently as friends online for about 3 months before meeting. Shortly before meeting we started talking on the phone. He initially didn't want to mess with a long distance relationship (4-5 hour drive apart), but it happened anyway. It was nice getting to know so much about a person ahead of time so that when we finally did meet, it was like two friends getting together to hang out for a day.

He was on eHarmony before finding me on OkCupid and one thing that really made him switch from the former was how forward the women were and how they all wanted to marry RIGHT NOW. This guy could be like that, too. Tell him what you are and aren't comfortable with and set a reasonable pace--if he really does like you, he'll wait.

You don't have to meet just yet, especially if you don't think you're ready. If you think he has potential, though, meeting in a public setting for a short time might be a good, low pressure way to find out now if it's worth pursuing any farther. I think the way you continue is based on your personality and desires and only you can determine what the "correct" pace is for yourself. Who knows, you might even surprise yourself in the process.

 

[amyy]

I agree with a lot of what has been post but especially the part about don't give him your phone number, address. You can meet with coffee without having to share any of that.

 

[WhateverLolaWants]

I was the opposite - I had to meet them ASAP in person because I couldn't get a feel of anyone through an email. All but one of the guys I met moved as quickly as that as well. Honestly, the longer you put it off, the colder your feet are going to get. Hope you have better luck than I did

 

[Happy Mom2]

I met my husband online. I've known him for 10 years, been married for 7. I also met a lot of jerks. The best advice I can give you is follow your instincts. You know what is right for you.

I always liked to meet right off the bat because I didn't want to waste my time if we didn't hit it off face to face - but that was me.

Always meet in a public place during the day.
Always make sure he leaves before you ... watch him drive off - just to be sure he does't follow you home.
Always let someone know who you are meeting and where.
Most of all, have fun and follow your gut.

Good luck!!

 

[tink1969]

Our male friend, 41 years old, recently met a girl online. He asked her out for coffee as their first date. It went well. They have been out for dinner a few times and last weekend, he brought her to our house for dinner. What a lovely woman. I was so impressed and they really get along well.

Go with your gut. Start by meeting for coffee first and go from there.
I don't think there is anything wrong with online dating. Just like meeting people in bars, dancing, through a friend,....you always have to be careful.

 

[a1tinkfans]

So, last weekend e-Harmony had a free weekend and I decided to try it. I've been e-mailing through e-Harmony with this guy (about 3 times) and he just sent me his real e-mail addy and phone number and wants to meet. I'm having second and third thoughts. It just seems like its moving too fast.

How do you handle this? I just really don't have a good feeling about this, but I don't want to be mean if it's just my cold feet (I haven't dated since my divorce two years ago.)

Help, please!!!

Charm

!) GO WITH YOUR GUT!!!
2) if it makes you feel better, two of my very close relatives BOTH met their spouses on line dating and BOTH are happily married, so nice for all of them....
Good Luck...but always use your head, go with your gut, ALWAYS tell someone when you are meeting someone and do it in a public place, preferably like for a cup of coffee (this way if you do not like them it is not an hour/so commitment like a dinner or something! You can also tell someone you know to call you about 1/2 way thru, so you can let them know you are okay...(obviously you would not want to do this at a dinner table, but you know what I mean)
SO, again, Good Luck and Have fun, at worse, you'll network a little...who knows that "next" person is just waiting to meet ya!

 

[apirateslifeforme]

My DBF and I met through eHarmony and have been together for almost 2 years. While we're not formally engaged, we are going to get married and look forward to having a child.

We both signed up at the end of July and were matched on August 12. We went through the guided communication, then started emailing. We didn't exchange too many emails before he asked to meet. Thankfully, he suggested coffee, mid-morning on a Sunday, and said that he had to go play hockey later that afternoon. I was grateful, because although I was very drawn to him (from the moment I read his profile!), I wasn't sure that I really wanted to get involved with anyone. I, too, had been divorced for almost 2 years and hadn't dated at all. At least this way, we would be in public, and I knew it couldn't last a long time, since he had another "appointment." We ended up sitting there for 4 1/2 hours! I got there first, waited near the window, and when I saw him walking up, my first thought was, "Dang, he's REALLY cute!"

So obviously we really hit it off, but I still felt "funny." I had cold feet for a few months. I liked him, but I still wasn't sure about getting involved. I can honestly say, it wasn't him. But I stuck with it - and him - and, well, here we are!

I guess I'm just saying that it's normal to have those cold feet when starting to date again. I do agree that you should go with your gut, but I also usually say to give it a chance. And absolutely meet in public...coffee is a good one, since it (usually!) is relatively quick. Good luck on whatever you decide!

 

[mickilee]

My dbf and i met on line. We chatted for a few months. But knew each other from a chat board for a couple of years. Then i decided to meet him. That was a year ago. I fly every few months to see him. Now he is getting ready to move here.
Long distance romance is killer. Especially when they live in another country .
We spend all our time on line in skype.

Take your time. If they are really interested, they will wait till the right moment.

 

[denisem]

My husband & I met online through Classified 2000 (I don't even know if they still exist! LOL) and have been married 10 years last September.

I understand your concerns being new to this, as DH wasn't the 1st I met through online dating. (I'd been widowed at 41 and looking for a new way to meet people.) In the beginning I was also apprehensive. However, after "taking the plunge" so to speak, it became easier...and fun! Here are my guidelines:

1. As mentioned, don't reveal personal information (phone, address, etc.) and meet in a public place (preferably daytime). Let family/friends know where/when/whatever data you have on this guy and make sure the guy KNOWS someone knows your whereabouts.

2. I also found long-term emails/chats were ultimately not helpful. I think it's human nature for us to form a "fantasy" person when dealing merely with the written word. Meeting face-to-face in a reasonable period of time cuts through the BS.

3. Do your best to think of this as a fun adventure rather than seeking a long-term soulmate. I had a friend that was less successful because she was always looking for "the one" and was immediately disappointed. If you can keep the mindset "hey, this is just a coupla hours out of my day, meeting someone new" you're liable to be more relaxed.

4. Unless someone TOTALLY has red warning lights flashing over their heads don't write them off after one meeting. Maybe it's because we were older, but DH & I didn't have the "love at 1st sight" thing. Fortunately, we did find some common interests and find each other intriguing enough continue dating. And as someone who was "never going to get married again!" marrying him was the best thing I ever did.

I wish you luck, fun (and at the very least) some really funny stories to share during this adventure.