Omg...my friend's dad hit on me

[CheshireVal]

What if your husband/boyfriend/whatever hit on a younger girl in a similar way? Would you be okay with that? I mean, he didn't rape her so he must not have done anything wrong, right? Let's give all creepy old men free reign to talk however they want to whoever they want because no real damage is done if they don't actually touch them. Give me a break.

This isn't entirely relevant to the discussion. Of course no one would want her husband or boyfriend to hit on a younger girl (well, I'd hope she wouldn't want him hitting on any other woman ). That's why I said his behavior was inappropriate, but nothing that I would be traumatized about if I were on the receiving end of his advances.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Oh puh-leeze.

I happen to think that if you're hit on by a creepy guy, it's not the end of the world. I'm not advocating that his behavior is appropriate, because it's not. He's married.

But it happens, and he didn't touch her and he didn't rape her. He just used some cheesy lines.

Oh puleeezzz.

How you define hitting on and how I define it might be 2 very different things.

My definition of hitting on.
Step 1: Person asks.
Step 2: Askee says yes- they make plans.
Askee says no- person asking goes away.

Some insecure women might like to be clubbed over the head by cavemen but I'm not one of them.

 

[CheshireVal]

Oh puleeezzz.

How you define hitting on and how I define it might be 2 very different things.

My definition of hitting on.
Step 1: Person asks.
Step 2: Askee says yes- they make plans.
Askee says no- person asking goes away.

Some insecure women might like to be clubbed over the head by cavemen but I'm not one of them.

I think your definition of "hitting on" just means being asked on a date. When I think of being hit on, I think "hey babe, what's your sign" or something equally as inane.

I guess I've been *hit on* by so many creepy men over the years that I'm sort of used to it. But... just because I'm used to it doesn't mean I love it or that I've taken any of these guys up on their offers. The thing to do is just ignore them and eventually they move on. No harm done.

 

[lovemygoofy]

It wasn't a one time thing - if it stopped after the dinne conversation, I wouldn't have been fine with it but I could have gotten over it. The fact is, he called me multiple times and god knows what would have happened if I hadn't gotten other people involved.

What if your husband/boyfriend/whatever hit on a younger girl in a similar way? Would you be okay with that? I mean, he didn't rape her so he must not have done anything wrong, right? Let's give all creepy old men free reign to talk however they want to whoever they want because no real damage is done if they don't actually touch them. Give me a break.

Look, I understand why you are freaked out a bit about all this. He is your friend's father as well as a family friend and a bit older than you. Add that all together and it can be overwhelming for some. Consider yourself lucky that no one else has tried to make advances toward you in such a way until now.

I think that some are saying you have to shake this off. The more you sit and worry about it, the more power you give to him. Honestly, yes he hit on you and he came on strong. It does happen, whether right or wrong and it happens to both sexes. Again, I understand that you are shook up because you weren't prepared but honestly most aren't ever prepared for such a thing to happen. You have had this experience and need to learn from it because chances are it will happen again whether it be a fellow attorney or a possible boss or even a friend's husband/boyfriend. You have to learn how to deal with unwanted advances and move on because they more you sit and stir on it, the more it upsets you. Instead of sitting and thinking well he hasn't called in 10 hours and 13 mins(made up time) you should be out and enjoying the day or studying or cleaning. I hope that you feel better soon.

 

[JerseyBallerina]

Hitting on also means that after he is rebuffed, most men will back off. Hitting on someone over dinner and calling them constantly is not the same thing. And I did my best to ignore him and it took an intervention from my mom/his wife to get him to stop. I don't think it was harrassment but what he did went beyond flirting.

I also have been hit on before and it's never bothered me like this. It's not like this is the first time a male has said something inappropriate to me but every situation is different. It's not a random guy in a bar or on a street that you will never see again, it's not someone you work with that you can report. It's someone you have been taught to respect and look at as an authority figure.

You are making me seem like a naive girl who has never heard of inappropriate men before.

 

[RickinNYC]

Hitting on also means that after he is rebuffed, most men will back off. Hitting on someone over dinner and calling them constantly is not the same thing. And I did my best to ignore him and it took an intervention from my mom/his wife to get him to stop. I don't think it was harrassment but what he did went beyond flirting.

I also have been hit on before and it's never bothered me like this. It's not like this is the first time a male has said something inappropriate to me but every situation is different. It's not a random guy in a bar or on a street that you will never see again, it's not someone you work with that you can report. It's someone you have been taught to respect and look at as an authority figure.

You are making me seem like a naive girl who has never heard of inappropriate men before.

You are giving for too much power to that man's words as well as to others here.

 

[boomhauer]

As for those that are now putting you under the DISmicroscope, ignore them. Life is too short to worry about what folks you don't even truly know are saying or thinking about you. They are entitled to their thoughts but it doesn't make it gospel.

Amen to that.

 

[Robinrs]

Ugh... I cannot believe this is still going on...

JB, understand ONE thing if you don't listen to another thing in life...

You post something this controversial on a discussion board expect what you get. Comfort, disgust, nasty remarks... they come with the territory.

I've been on DIS for eons, this is NOT the place to air your personal stuff. The people here are very savvy and most of them have seen and heard EVERYTHING so I don't blame the doubters... we've seen a lot of stuff to doubt!

I wish you the best but don't waste your time playing post hockey here. As the OP you can ask the mods to close this thread if you wish. And hopefully you can work this situation out in REAL LIFE.

I've had very similar situations and I've seen and past 22 a LOOONG time ago. I remember not being able to be told anything and allowing everything to become a debate. A situation like this should not be a debate. It should have ended and been DONE. Period. Life is too short to allow something this assinine to continue... even over a 24 hour period.

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

I know a lot of female lawyers and quite a few women currently in law school. Unless NJ suddenly became part of a John Grisham book, resisting the advances of one creepy lawyer is not going to be the end of your legal career- even in your own town and you don't get called a slut or a tease or whatever anymore for being a female lawyer .

He has power over your because you are choosing to give it to him. A vast majority of young women are hit on by a sleezy guy at some point that won't take no for an answer. Be firm and unwavering and don't give him any power. Don't make excuses and don't apologize. No means No, and move on. The more of an issue you make of it is what's going to make the difference in how the legal world reacts to you in the future. If he truly harrassed or assaulted you, that's one thing. This just seems to be a horny mid life crisis sufferer that thinks he's the bees knees. Say no and move on.

YUP!

 

[poohandwendy]

I read a pervasive sexism coming from women which is very disturbing. We are not playthings for men and to trivialize aggression against women is just off the wall to me.

Wow. Who is suggesting that women should be playthings? Or that the OP should be a plaything? And no one is trivializing the situation. Since it's not a crime to be a sleezeball and not legal to hang a sleezeball by the nearest tree, we have all suggested she ignore him.

I am of the mindset that it's important to teach our daughters NOT to give any man power over them by becoming fearful of reprisal when you ignore their advances.

The OP wasn't victimized, she had unwanted advances from a sleezeball. Something the majority of women have dealt with. (and I'm sure quite a few men too) Since he has done nothing illegal, ignoring him is the cure.

Yes, it's a shame, but nothing more than that.

 

[PrincessTiff]

Thank you to everyone who is standing up for me and for those who doubt me, I really hope your daughter/sister/friend never goes through what I did because it sounds as if the man's actions don't fit your time table, you're not going to believe them.

On a side note, he has had no contact with me so I would be surprised if anything happens today.

Again, thank you for all the advice and support from some of you.

Ok, I felt bad for you up until here. If you had been molested by a relative as a child you'd see that this is nothing. It could be worse...

 

[MagicalMom]

Let's give all creepy old men free reign to talk however they want to whoever they want because no real damage is done if they don't actually touch them. Give me a break.

I don't think anyone is saying that creepy men should have free reign. I'm just not understanding what real damage was done. You'll most likely be fine, I doubt if you'll suffer from PTSD.
Now the wife & daughter on the other hand, it's their relationship with the husband/father that might suffer some real damage. While it's gross to be hit on by a creepy old man, it's probably even grosser to know that your father is one.

 

[poohandwendy]

Let's give all creepy old men free reign to talk however they want to whoever they want because no real damage is done if they don't actually touch them. Give me a break.

Actually, creepy old men do have free reign to talk however they want, it's a free country. Your only mistake would be allowing it to consume your thoughts and giving his words power over you. It's only a big deal if you allow it to be a big deal.

 

[CathrynRose]

OP - many of these posters LOOK for posts like yours to rip apart. It's a hobby of theirs. Sad, but true.

No one can change how you felt, or tell you that you were wrong to feel that way. So, to heck with them.

If I were you, I'd take Robin's suggestion and ask the Mod's to remove your post. Why give the people who are, for some weird reason, enjoying this, any more fun at your expense?

And for the record - Ive been in your shoes.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just one more thought for the OP. If you were my DD, this is what I would tell you. Your only mistake here was engaging in conversation with him after you knew his intentions and said you weren't interested. To men who don't want to 'get it', that is an invitation for more communication...it's banter. Whether you mean it to be or not, that is how the persistent idiots see it.

In the future, do not continue a conversation with someone who is making unwanted advances. This conversation should never have gone beyond "I'm not interested" CLICK (that would be you hanging up the phone):

I just got off the phone with him. I was as assertive and upfront as I could be but it didn't seem to phase him. I told him to stop calling me, that I didn't want to have any type of relationship with him - professional or personal. He basically laughed and said I was overreacting.

He kinda apologized for the comments he made at dinner. He said he was sorry if he offended me, which doesn't really mean that he was sorry he said it. I told him it didn't matter because he already said it. Then he said that he thought I was interested in him! He said I always flirt with him and now that he acted, I'm a tease. I asked for an example of when I flirted with him and of course he couldn't come up with one because it never happened. All he said was, "You know, you were there."

The conversation was ended abruptly because he had another call to take but I think he's seeing that I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

 

[boomhauer]

OP - many of these posters LOOK for posts like yours to rip apart. It's a hobby of theirs. Sad, but true.

No one can change how you felt, or tell you that you were wrong to feel that way. So, to heck with them.

If I were you, I'd take Robin's suggestion and ask the Mod's to remove your post. Why give the people who are, for some weird reason, enjoying this, any more fun at your expense?

Excellent post. Couldn't be any more accurate.

I had the mods lock a thread I started. I was also a schmuck and played right into some of their hands and retaliated.

OP - I know how you feel. You think the replies and responses you are getting from some are judgemental and unfair since they don't know you. You're right. Unfortunately, as many of us have learned, if you post personal issues like this, as the above poster said, you'll get torn apart by a select few. As my dad always used to tell me, "consider the source", and since you don't know the source, who cares?

 

[MareQ]

Ok, I felt bad for you up until here. If you had been molested by a relative as a child you'd see that this is nothing. It could be worse...

Yup - This was creepy and annoying and NOTHING else.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

I understand what y'all are saying as well. But perception and reality are two different things in this situation. I'd prefer not to push the age of childhood too far. We're talking about a college graduate here. The only authority this guy has over the adult-woman-OP is what she GIVES him. That's it. I understand the desire to sympathize and understand that she may feel like he's an authority figure, but that's not helpful to her because it encourages a view that isn't real. Early in this thread, I thought I may have a helpful insight, being in the legal field myself. I tried to dispell the misperception that the guy can somehow make or break the OP's theoretical legal career. He can't. So that should NOT BE A FACTOR in how she reacts to him. There are other factors - family, friends, self. But let's not manufacture any additional, fake considerations.

THANK YOU!

The man is not in any position of authority, as you said earlier. He may have some standing in the community, but he has not the power to do anything in terms of her career. Understand that in life there will be people who will shock you with their actions... Don't add to your own life's drama by entertaining the idea that such people can be taught a lesson by you. If something like this happens again, remove yourself from the situation immediately. Don't stay and finish dinner... indicate you don't appreciate inappropriate talk and leave. End of story.

Now... back to your regularly scheduled frantic threads of 40% off rack rates...

 

[annegal]

And for the record - Ive been in your shoes.

You had a friend's Dad "hit" on you too?

 

[Hoops&YoYo]

You had a friend's Dad "hit" on you too?

No need to be nasty and bring crap from another board to this one.