Okay. SIL has gone too far this time

[minniebeth]

My brother and SIL take care of my mom (POA's, she is in a nursing facility)~ they sold her home, distributed all her belongings, pay her bills, battle insurance companies, make all her dr. arrangements, get called at every hour of the night when she is taken to the hospital, buy everything she needs, visit her often, do special things for her on holidays and special occasions, field inquiries about her from family and friends since she can't communicate for herself any longer... the list could go on.

It's a LOT of hours, weekly, monthly. Not only is it physically demanding, but emotionally as well. Their elder care lawyer suggested they take a reasonable hourly wage for themselves for certain tasks. So it must be legal, maybe state by state?

They don't take any money as a "salary" for themselves, but if they did, I could completely understand it, I honestly could not do everything they do.

If you are concerned that the money is not being handled properly, like others have said, you can look into it, but if you are not the POA's, it is not easy to get access to that information. I'm sure others would have advice on how to go about it. Hiring your own lawyer will be very costly.

As some others have said as well, to put a lot of energy in worrying about how your SIL handles things that you don't have much control over, unless you want to take on the responsibility yourselves, is unproductive.

I understand where you are at, and how you are feeling, but it's a no-win situation if money is at the core of the issue.

Best wishes, OP~

 

[okeydokey]

Why don't you move him into to your home so you can take care of his money for him?

 

[Lionqueen2]

A friend of mine recently lost a FIL that had been ill for many years. He lived with friend's BIL who cared for him through his years of illness. My friend and her husband lived about 5 hours away and visited a weekend about every 2 months.
FIL left a substantial estate when he passed. My friend's husband signed off on everything so that his brother would inherit the entire estate. He felt that his brother deserved it since he had spent so many years taking care of his father and mother previous to his father's passing.

 

[heatherwillmom]

My SIL did something like this a few years ago. Her DH didn't speak to his own mother for many years before he died of an aneursym. he didn't even know where she lived any more. SIL worked as a hospital volunteer & found out that her MIL had moved back to town & was a patient in the hospital in bad physical health. The MIL had some friends who lived with her & took care of her. She told them that she considered them her son & DIL even though they weren't related. She soon died & it turns out she didn't have a will. SIL sued these people to get the estate for her DD who MIl didn't know existed since she didn't speak to her son for about 15 years. After a court battle, SIL won the estate for her DD who never knew the lady & the people who actually took care of her, got nothing. I thought it was sad since SIL & her Dd had gotten the estate when her husband died as well and didn't need the money

 

[hereyago]

I won't say my opinion of OP and why she is concerned.

But I will tell you this: since I was 35-42 now, I have been the POA,etc to my parents. My DF had lung cancer and passed away 8 months after being diagnosed. But I was the one who took care of him. Now I "take" care of DM.

Just out of curiousity:
If I wrote and said I "charged' and got compensated for every time he got sick and I cleaned it up after his treatments or that I had to take a LOA after DM fell last year and she got home from rehab, that I charged her for the time and money I lost. How many of you would have a fit and say I shouldn't have done it because they were my parents? Or charged every day either before or after work, I went to see her in the rehab?

The SIL is't physicaly taking care of the FIL, he has the insurance,et to pay for his physical care. being compensated for driving 5 hours to take him to dr visit, yes I can get that, but paying yourself to go "visit" him. Um, nope. Reimbursed for dr co pays or medicines that had co pay or weren't covered,yes.

BTW: I would never ask to get compensated for taking care of them. Have I got compensated for medicines that werent covered or that "were part of a deductable, yes, but I cant' imagine telling my DF, I am going to take 20.00 for cleaning up puke.

 

[castleview]

OP, this is for your husband to deal with. But please don't assume your SIL can do all these things because she's not working. That would drive me nuts. It's like people thinking you have all the time in the world because you are a SAHM.

Ask yourself this: If FIL had no money, would you care?

 

[C.Ann]

If your DH is really that concerned, then he should see an attorney about becoming his father's POA - and then move him to the area the two of you reside in.. This way your DH will be able to account for every $ and you can be sure that he is getting the best possible care that his current finances will allow..

Secondly, odds are he will not have any money at all left by the time he passes, so that's not really much of a concern..

Lastly, your FIL's money is his money - regardless of the fact that he didn't support your DH when he was younger.. He is free to do whatever he wants with it - give it all to your DH's sister; leave it to the VA; give it to the guy in the bed next to him; donate it all to the local pet shelter; etc.. Even under the best of circumstances, children are not "entitled" to an inheritance (money or property) upon the death of a parent or parents.. If a child assumes otherwise, that just screams "entitlement" to me..

My own mother has been in a nursing home for a number of years now.. My dad left her very well off, but nursing homes can drain that money down to nothing in no time flat.. Long before a nursing home became an issue for her, she set up trust funds for me and my siblings - that contained both her name and each of ours.. Once all of her own assets were depleted and she had to go the Medicaid route, we each had to sign off on our trust funds.. Did we care? No - because that money was never ours to begin with.. My parents worked hard and saved like crazy for that money - we didn't - nor did we ever "expect" it to be "ours"..

If this whole issue is about "who gets the money", you're better off just leaving it alone - especially since there's no real bond or closeness with the FIL.. Sorry..

 

[SaraJayne]

So let me get this straight.
1- FIL is just some old guy you know.
2- You and your DH are not helping with doctor visits etc.
3- You are angry because unemployed SIL is taking a salary for actually helping the guy. (which she is legally allowed to do)
4- You want to know where all the money from this old man that you know is.
5- You and DH are going to "put your foot down" because you can't account for every dime yet you are not helping with anything.
6- DH has never stood up to his sister because she is loud and bossy and yet she is the one taking care of FIL not your DH.
7- You are very concerned about money money money.

I am sorry but imo you should just be thankful that someone is actually taking care of the man. You are not entitled to anything. If someone does chose to leave you something then be grateful. Maybe there is more to it but the only thing that really comes across to me in your post is that you want his money.

OP, you need to re-read this post.

 

[horseshowmom]

My SIL did something like this a few years ago. Her DH didn't speak to his own mother for many years before he died of an aneursym. he didn't even know where she lived any more. SIL worked as a hospital volunteer & found out that her MIL had moved back to town & was a patient in the hospital in bad physical health. The MIL had some friends who lived with her & took care of her. She told them that she considered them her son & DIL even though they weren't related. She soon died & it turns out she didn't have a will. SIL sued these people to get the estate for her DD who MIl didn't know existed since she didn't speak to her son for about 15 years. After a court battle, SIL won the estate for her DD who never knew the lady & the people who actually took care of her, got nothing. I thought it was sad since SIL & her Dd had gotten the estate when her husband died as well and didn't need the money

That reminds me of a situation with my aunt. She took care of my great-uncle and great-aunt for years. They had no children and did it because somebody had to, and she lived in the same city (not nearby though). They were in their 90's when they died. My great-uncle died first.

My aunt continued to take care of my great-aunt (by marriage) for quite awhile. She contacted my great-aunt's nephew regularly to keep him updated concerning her condition (she had Alzheimer's, and her condition was worsening). He decided to move her to where he lived just a few weeks before she died. "She" changed her will immediately after she moved into his house and made him the only beneficiary.

He had had no concern for her care for all of those years prior, but he inherited well over a million dollars. My great-uncle had always said everything would be split between his neices/nephews and hers (half to each side). Our side of the family knew that none of us had taken care of them and intended to sign over that part to my aunt.

An attorney friend told my aunt that the will would not hold up based on my great-aunt's being incompetent at the time the will was changed. She said that if the great-aunt's nephew needed the money that bad, she wasn't going to fight over it.


OP, only you know your situation, but if you aren't providing any actual care for your FiL, I don't think you should really have a say in what's going on. You can't be held liable for your FiL's debts so that's not a concern for you. She's doing the all the work so I would let her handle things as she sees fit. It would be different if you were actively involved, but you aren't. I don't mean to sound harsh at all, that's just my honest opinion.

 

[tasha99]

I used to work for an atty who practiced elder law. There was a case where daughter was paying herself a little too much and bought herself a car out of her mom's finances (she had POA). A concerned relative complained--and we got involved. So did other lawyers and DHS. Nothing happened with DHS, but by the time all the lawyers were done, what the daughter had taken paled in comparison to legal fees. (lawyer for the mom, lawyer for the daughter, lawyer for the relative who complained,lawyer for the person who wanted guardianship . . . each charging almost 300 per hour.)

 

[sandramaac]

I COULD NOT AGREE WITH THESE TWO POST MORE!!!!
YOU need to stay out of this. It is between your husband, his sister and thie father. OMG, is this man some multi-milionaire where you stand to make a fortune from his estate? I swear that $$ brings out the WORST in people--a few bucks and people get nuts. If your father in law wants to leave his remaining estate to some crazy cult, guess what--it isn't yours.

I was at a family funeral where my grandfathers twin sister died. She was the final benefactor to a substantial family trust, she never married. I was very close to her, so imagine how appalling it was when the money hungry relatives brought the will to the viewing. It made me want to throw up, and frankly so does the tone of your post!!!

OP, you need to re-read this post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mouse House Mama
So let me get this straight.
1- FIL is just some old guy you know.
2- You and your DH are not helping with doctor visits etc.
3- You are angry because unemployed SIL is taking a salary for actually helping the guy. (which she is legally allowed to do)
4- You want to know where all the money from this old man that you know is.
5- You and DH are going to "put your foot down" because you can't account for every dime yet you are not helping with anything.
6- DH has never stood up to his sister because she is loud and bossy and yet she is the one taking care of FIL not your DH.
7- You are very concerned about money money money.

I am sorry but imo you should just be thankful that someone is actually taking care of the man. You are not entitled to anything. If someone does chose to leave you something then be grateful. Maybe there is more to it but the only thing that really comes across to me in your post is that you want his money.

OP, you need to re-read this post.

 

[sandramaac]

Why don't you move him into to your home so you can take care of his money for him?

so well said, and I like the emphasis on the taking care of the $$ part

 

[manning]

My step mother and father had everything set up have everything split equal beteen me and her daughter. My dad died first and I watchrd out for my step mom for years after. When her mind began to go daughter stepped in and ended up with everything. But after I got done legally she worked for every penny of it. She had to take care of mom. I didn't miss a penny of it.

 

[Nancyg56]

So let me get this straight.
1- FIL is just some old guy you know.
2- You and your DH are not helping with doctor visits etc.
3- You are angry because unemployed SIL is taking a salary for actually helping the guy. (which she is legally allowed to do)
4- You want to know where all the money from this old man that you know is.
5- You and DH are going to "put your foot down" because you can't account for every dime yet you are not helping with anything.
6- DH has never stood up to his sister because she is loud and bossy and yet she is the one taking care of FIL not your DH.
7- You are very concerned about money money money.

I am sorry but imo you should just be thankful that someone is actually taking care of the man. You are not entitled to anything. If someone does chose to leave you something then be grateful. Maybe there is more to it but the only thing that really comes across to me in your post is that you want his money.

ITA!

There is really not much we can do as we are 1000 miles away from FIL in the nursing home. She is choosing to move him closer to her so she can check on him more often I suppose. But to pay yourself to do this is just wrong.

Let me get this straight. You have no relationship to the old guy.

You are not taking care of the old guy.

You resent the money you think DSIL is getting from the old guy so you tell your DH to put his foot down

I have to ask you...............put it where? Unless you are willing to bring that ols guy home and care for him as though he was your own father you need to back off gracefully.

This is not your business. No matter the circumstances of your DH childhood the money is not a retirement plan for him. I must say that this is a peeve of mine. I do not understand how adult children or IL's feel that the money a parent has accumulated is automatically theirs.

Your DH feels he is entitled to money becasue of the way hid father treated him. DSIL was treated the same way but is now

 

[bumbershoot]

But, really, to accept any money from him would be pretty wrong on your part. Afterall, you "just think of him as this old man that we know. "

Everyone's confusing the OP with her husband... The OP has her opinion of her FIL. And her husband probably has a slightly different opinion. Stop using that line to demonize the husband!

Sounds like the FIL has created a problem with his now-adult children, and is reaping the benefits. My father created a series of problems, and once my half sister graduates and moves out, I will VERY likely be the only one of his children who speaks to him. It's highly possible that Cady will move, then my half brothers will leave, and my stepmom will divorce him. My full brother doesn't speak to him and hasn't seen him, other than at my wedding, for upwards of 20 years now. My father is reaping what he has sown, and he deserves it all. He does NOT deserve the fact that I talk to him, and I only talk to him b/c I'm weird about family and like to keep them around, just in case they become better human beings.

So this guy has acted in certain ways, and now his adult children have certain feelings. As the wife of this man's son, the OP is likely very righteously negative towards him. I was always very removed and cynical of my FIL. He was a rotten abusive husband, a bad and abusive father, but he was a decent grandfather (so even if hubby changes his last name to mine, when his mom passes away, we'll likely keep DS's name hyphenated with his grandfather's name in it). Even though I didn't much like the guy, I tried to save his life when everyone around him wanted to pull the plug. I felt that the decisions being made were very poor decisions, made in haste and on too little information and not enough sleep...3 years later, it turns out everyone agrees with me and wishes they'd waited... And there wasn't even any money in the situation for me and hubby (or for MIL, it turns out!)...but even so, I still didn't want the dude to die for no good reason, even though I hardly even liked him.

Nobody decides this. I imagine he went to a nursing home because he could not take care of himself

You're misreading the OP.

"until we had our son. FIL then decided he was going to be a lonely old man in a nursing home and he better mend some bridges."

Perhaps "realized" would be a better word there. FIL realized, after the birth of the OP's son, that he would wind up a lonely old man in a nursing home, so he decided to mend some bridges.

Of course, from what the OP said, seems that the nursing home he initially went into was pretty plush!


OP, why can't he go back to that one?

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

So the SIL was estranged from her father just like your DH? If that's the case, I absolutely believe she is entitled to compensation. She is stepping up and taking care of him when he needs someone, even though he wasn't there when she needed him.
Being POA is not an easy task. And then on top of that, having to deal with the suspiciouns of other family and how she handles the money, well that's pretty stressful. She has undertaken this duty for the remainder of his life. Who is to say things won't get much worse, physically, for him and she will be needed even more than she is now. Basically, she is committing to take care of him and all his financial matters. And normally, a child should take care of a parent without expecting a salary. But this was no normal father-daughter relationship. For all you know, she might think of him as "that old man" as well. I know I would. My mother has been out of my life since I was 9 and if it came down to me being POA and I couldn't get out of it, I would feel no obligation to provide anything for free. She has never been there for me. In fact, she went out of her way to not be there. I would be more likely to help a complete stranger for free than a parent who was not in my life.
But it sounds like SIL stepped up when no one else would or could. Leave her alone unless you know for sure she is abusing her responsibility or go to court and seek guardianship and then you can handle the money and the old man.

 

[cm8]

So the SIL was estranged from her father just like your DH? If that's the case, I absolutely believe she is entitled to compensation. She is stepping up and taking care of him when he needs someone, even though he wasn't there when she needed him.
Being POA is not an easy task. And then on top of that, having to deal with the suspiciouns of other family and how she handles the money, well that's pretty stressful. She has undertaken this duty for the remainder of his life. Who is to say things won't get much worse, physically, for him and she will be needed even more than she is now. Basically, she is committing to take care of him and all his financial matters. And normally, a child should take care of a parent without expecting a salary. But this was no normal father-daughter relationship. For all you know, she might think of him as "that old man" as well. I know I would. My mother has been out of my life since I was 9 and if it came down to me being POA and I couldn't get out of it, I would feel no obligation to provide anything for free. She has never been there for me. In fact, she went out of her way to not be there. I would be more likely to help a complete stranger for free than a parent who was not in my life.
But it sounds like SIL stepped up when no one else would or could. Leave her alone unless you know for sure she is abusing her responsibility or go to court and seek guardianship and then you can handle the money and the old man.

 

[hentob]

You're misreading the OP.

Nope.

 

[Carly_Roach]

So let me get this straight.
1- FIL is just some old guy you know.
2- You and your DH are not helping with doctor visits etc.
3- You are angry because unemployed SIL is taking a salary for actually helping the guy. (which she is legally allowed to do)
4- You want to know where all the money from this old man that you know is.
5- You and DH are going to "put your foot down" because you can't account for every dime yet you are not helping with anything.
6- DH has never stood up to his sister because she is loud and bossy and yet she is the one taking care of FIL not your DH.
7- You are very concerned about money money money.
I am sorry but imo you should just be thankful that someone is actually taking care of the man. You are not entitled to anything. If someone does chose to leave you something then be grateful. Maybe there is more to it but the only thing that really comes across to me in your post is that you want his money.

This.