Ok, Why does this always happen to me?

[AZ JazzyJ]

So I am sitting around in Arizona dreaming of another Spring Training baseball game when my phone rings. Now I don't have a Bat Phone or anything cool like that but I do have caller-ID so I kind of know who is calling. I think of it kind of like deja vu but without having a psychic buddy. Anyway, my phone rings and I notice that the number is from Minnesota. Well, I figure I should answer it since it probably took a long time for the person on the other end to thaw out the phone so it would work in the first place and everyone knows how bad it is to get your ear stuck to a frozen phone and have to leave it there until spring.

"Hello?" I answered

"We need you to come to Minneapolis and draw pictures of clouds." said the person on the other end. (Ok, I added the "of clouds" part. I figured if I had to go to Minnesota in winter, I get to draw whatever I want.)

"Um, ok. What's the weather like there?" I ask

"Perfect spring weather!" they said

"Cool! When do I have to be there?" I questioned

"We will have a ticket for you tomorrow morning. And you probably should be at the airport 3-4 hours early." came the reply.

"Ok, when am I coming home?" I enquired

"We're working on that and we'll get back to you." they said.

Ok, right there my Spider-sense should have gone off but I was thinking about warm spring days lying on the grass drawing clouds while birds chirped and brooks babbled. None the less, I got off the phone and called Trina.

"Adventure Girl, I just got off the phone with commissioner Ventura, Timmy has fallen in a well and Lassie cannot speak. I must go to Minnesota to save him and teach a dog to talk." Ok, that is not what I really said but I may as well have since Trina doesn't speak computerese either. Her reaction was, "You are only doing this so you don't have to go with me to look at dresses for a wedding." I tried to explain that was not the case that was just an added benefit. It was at that point that she placed a curse on me. I don't know the exact works she used, I just know it worked. So as I left work on Wednesday, I was scheduled to be on a plane the next morning to go to Minneapolis/St. Paul Minnesota.

Jeff

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

So from the time that I agreed to go on this little adventure until I finally left, the United States decided it was about time to send our troops on a road trip. Now I don't like flying anyway so to have a war started twelve hours before you leave to fly somewhere is not normally on my agenda. But who am I to argue about America trying to free the masses, I just go with the flow. In my infinite wisdom I decided that I should probably be at the airport just a little early. By just a little, I mean 4 hours. I drag Trina out of bed at 4:30 AM to take me to the airport which she just loves and we head out the door. Even in Phoenix, there is not a lot of traffic at 4:30 AM so I am making good time. Making good time that is until I get to the airport. Once there I find that the normal 4 entrances of 5 lanes a piece is now one single road of one lane with traffic that is equivalent to what one would see waiting in line for a surprise pin at Walt Disney World. Tourists and travellers for as far as the eye could see. I sat watching cactus grow waiting to get anywhere near the airport. Some 90 minutes later I finally arrive at the terminal, wake Trina up to tell her to drive home and make my way into the airport. There I am greeted by all these same people I saw waiting in line to get to the airport and they don't seem to be that cheerful. In fact I learned several new words waiting at the security checkpoint. I also learned a lot about anatomy that I did not know and still question whether it is humanly possible.


Finally, I arrive at the gate just as they begin boarding the plane. I asked Commander Ticket Taker if the plane was full which was a mistake since he seemed to mistake me for a terrorist or something because my question resulted in a full search of my luggage AND they took my shoes. They appeared to be very interested in my footware I had no idea that shoes went through puberty but they must since they wiped mine down with Stridex pads. I guess they must have looked like they were going to break out or something. Well after that I decided to keep my mouth shut and just get on the stinking plane. I find my seat and sit down. Soon a whole gaggle of college students got onto the plane. As I saw them walking towards me I closed my eyes and prayed that they would continue walking past me. But no, that was not the case. Instead they began to take their seats all around me. Now I don't classify myself as a fashion guru but I do know two things. First, Lycra is a priviledge and not a right. Second, Hip huggers and ab exercises MUST be connected. Well, I am obviously wrong in these theories as the young college women accompanying the young men on this flight appeared to be math challenged. There is absolutely no way that 180 pounds equates to size 8! So I was provided an opportunity to see vast amounts of countryside complete with rolling hills. So while I am sitting there attempting a plot to destroy all fashion designers and promote Richard Simmons to be King (or Queen) for a day, I was asked to let some of these people into their seats. Now without a program, I was just guessing at the players. It seems the guy sitting next to me was in love with the girl sitting behind him while she was best friends with the girl who was in the row in front of me while that girl's boyfriend was across the aisle from me and two rows back but she had the hots for the guy that was across from me at the window but he was trying to get a ride from the airport from the girl's parents who was sitting 3 rows behind me. This discussion lasted throughout boarding and during taxi to the runway. We are sitting there next in line to take off when all of a sudden all of them realized that they forgot to call Professor Wilson to tell him they would not be in class today. So like some kind of super hero, they each reached for their utility belt retrieving cell phones and dialing while we are taking off. This of course completely freaked out the flight attendants who started yelling to put the phones away or we would all face grave consequences. I figure I was one reclined seat and ulocked tray table away from certain death. So after everyone calmed down I settled in for three and a half hours of a really bad MTV reality show. Young couples who are thinking of having children should have to sit through a flight like this. It would eliminate all need for planned parenthood as no one would dare have kids.

Jeff

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

So after a plane ride like I just experienced, I wanted nothing better that to de-plane (and I don't mean the kind that Tattoo was talking about on Fantasy Island either). I grab my bags and run for the door blurting out something about being a doctor and there was an emergency delivery I had to make in a cab. I figured I would find a rest room then get the heck away. Well, I don't know much about Minnesota but I do know this. They are the cruelest people on the planet. I searched for 30 minutes for a restroom and every single one of them were closed. I am not sure if they had problems with their pipes freezing or if they just decided that bathrooms were a prime Al Queda network area but there was not a open bathroom to be found.

I finally gave up and decided to find a cab to go downtown. I walked out of the terminal into what appeared to be some kind of Fortress of Ice like in Superman or something. It was cloudy, snowing, blowing and down right cold. Each time I exhaled, clouds would come from out of my mouth. It was down right freaky! I ran to a cab, jumped in and begged for heat. The guy looked at me strangely and said, "It's spring, we aren't using heaters anymore." Spring?!? Unless an ice age is approaching, this was definitely not spring. My visions of lying on grass watch clouds and listening to birds chirp and brooks babble were replaced with rock solid dead grass, snow fluries, frozen chicken, and the sounds of ice cracking. Since my plane was late and due to security at the airport I was running behind schedule. I was able to explain through the chattering of my teeth that I needed to be dropped off downtown at an office tower. When I finally got there, I was late to my meeting and frozen. They brought me a hot chocolate which I used to warm my fingers up (which incidently causes people to stare at you for no reason). The meeting lasted all afternoon so I had still not checked into my hotel.

Now for those of you who have never been to Minneapolis Minnesota, let me explain something. The founding fathers of that city must all have had hamsters when they were children. For some unknown reason, they have attached covered walkways on the second or third floor of buildings so that it is possible to walk all over downtown without ever having to step outside. That is of course if you have a map and have left a trail of bread crumbs to find your way back. Well I was not about to use that since I had heard horror stories of people ending up in time warps or lost from the planet after taking a wrong turn in the hamster walkways. Instead I decided to go outside and walk the two blocks to my hotel. I mean how bad can two blocks of cold be, right? I am sure that General Washington said something similar when he arrived at Valley Forge. Well the first half a block went ok. I was cold but making progress but as I turned the corner I was met by 2,000 ant-war protesters marching with arms interlocked down the street carrying signs. I attempted to politely get around them but it was no use. I quickly became engulfed in the crowd into some kind of anti-war mosh pit and as me and my luggage was passed around like a six-foot Subway sandwich I was going in the wrong direction! After a good 50 minutes of this, I finally got out of the crowd and then had to go 7 blocks to the hotel. I finally arrived there at 7:30 PM meaning it took me 2 hours for 2 blocks. I checked into the hotel to find that the restaurant was closed and that the food places around the hotel all closed at 7. I was able to find what would appear to be the only homeless shelter sponsored by Arbys. I am guessing that is what it was since the homeless outnumbered the homed by a margin of 8-to-1. I ordered anything hot on the menu and when I got back to my room found I had a jumbo order of stuffed Jalapeno peppers and a peppered roast beef sandwich. So I sat there hovering over a light bulb for heat eating really bad Arbys food while doing a software install into the early hours.

The next day was again filled with meetings and Hot Chocolate manicures. All during the meeting, protesters marched throughout the downtown area carrying missiles and coffins and beating a drum. It was the strangest parade I have ever seen. The only horses in the parade were ridden by policemen in riot gear and not one of them would Barbie wave.

Jeff

 

[GotAnyPins]

So did you get to see Pam (Gytchy)...she is with WF, in MN....Hmmm...on the other hand..... do you think she had anything to do w/ this....???????


Just kidding Pam....

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

So after a fun-filled two days I was ready to go home. Unfortunately, the entire state of Minnesota was also trying to get out meaning all flights were packed and tickets were more scarce than French fries at a Weight Watchers meeting. So I am sitting at the airport at a ticket counter talking to some woman wearing at least 20 shirts while I had a cellphone plastered to my ear in a conference call with a travel agent, my admin, and pretty much anyone who would listen. Finally, they find one ticket on one flight to Phoenix at 7:05 PM but it is First Class. I have never flown first class so I have no idea what to expect so I ask the only logical question I can, "Does that mean I get a bigger floatation device?" The 20-short woman said she would have to check and 3 minutes after talking to her supervisor she comes back with this answer, "yes".

I'm thinking cool! Now I can be the first one down the slide so I got that going for me. So I sit around waiting for my flight and finally they start calling out row numbers. Now I have flown before so I figure that First Class means you get to sit in the front seat and you get to get on first. Well that is not the case. First they want people with small children and those needing extra time to walk down the jetway. I look around to see if I can borrow either a child or a wheelchair and can't find either for rent so I wait. Well it would seem that I am a flight where EVERYONE has a child AND a wheelchair. So I am like the last guy on the plane and finally sit down. Now I don't want to act like a complete rookie in First Class so I only point and say "Look at that!" about 10 times before I sit down. I get in my seat and this really old dude sits next to me. As he falls into his seat his mouth opens and words begin to come out and the words continued as long as he was sitting through the entire 3.5 hour flight. The flight attendant literally had to interrupt him each time she came by to see if we needed anything. It would seem this guy is a teacher for an alternative school, his wife is busy taking care of dogs, he is visiting his parents who are in their 80's that live in Scottsdale, he is looking for southwestern jewelry up for $20, he is going to take a tennis lesson from a guy that has been to Wimbleton, he likes the taste of diet soda, he can't wait to retire, doesn't like the price of health insurance, thinks there should be an all-war channel on television, is concerned about the safety of the inhabitants of Arizona, doesn't want to be near a nuclear plant during a war, and would like to upgrade his computer memory through his modem. Oh, and he just wanted to let me know that he suffered from excessive gas. Well I tried my best to nod at the appropriate times while I was checking out the "other side of the curtain". I did learn something interesting, flight attendants don't like it when you stick your head through the curtain into coach and yell, "Hey we got Calzones up here what did you get?" They also don't like it when you offer to split the profits from the free drinks by taking yours and selling it to the coach passengers. Part way through the flight we had a movie (which I believe was an answer to my prayers). Unfortunately, my flight soulmate could not figure out how to attach the headphones to his ears even after countless suggestions by myself and all the other first class passengers. He finally ended up holding the earphones to his ears meaning he ate his calzone like one of those bobbing head birds with the red liquid in it (you can't make this kind of stuff up). I finally arrive in Phoenix to find that there are now two lanes open to the roads leading to the airport and the police are randomly stopping cars and searching them. It would seem that the FBI has determined that all terrorists drive SUVs with DVD players in them since that is all they stop. All in all, it was a relatively uneventful trip and I am glad to be home where the sun still shines.

Jeff

 

[Gytchy]

No Donna he didn't even call! Too bad for him, I could have given him a guided tour of the skyways he was complaining about. And come on they have maps posted every ten feet, only the really directionally challenged could get lost!

 

[LynniethePooh]

said this before, will say it again.......

ANYTHING concerning Jeff is and NEVER will be SIMPLE.

 

[bekeating]

Hey - Jeff quit giving Minnesota a bad name

It really is spring - you just were lucky enough to hit the coldest days we have had in a couple of weeks. We have very little snow left and it will hit 60 again today and tomorrow.

At least you will remember your trip

And you should have let us know you were coming - Shawn even works downtown.

Bonnie

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

Next time I am going to Minnesota, we will need to plan a mini-meet (hopefully somewhere warm or we might have to light the pin bags on fire).

Just for the record, we almost hit 60 degrees too but the low only got down to 64.

So as near as I can figure, Minnesota is the land of 10,000 frozen lakes right?

Jeff