OK what would you do if a BM dropped out

[nkkilala]

Allright,
SO here is the story!
I told my BMs 2 years ago to put away 10 dollars each week for my wedding. THat would give them like 1K for dresses, gifts (if they felt obligated) flight and hotel.
Well lets just say they haven't done that and the wedding is now 5 months away. I have one BM who is thinking of dropping out which I am ok with (haven't ordered dresses yet so no big loss....other than having her there). She is a college student and has a horse so I can understand that my Disney wedding could be a little draining on her.

The problem is, would it be poor ettiquete to ask somone else to take her place?
I have another friend who I would really like to have in my bridal party (actually couldn't because of the BM who is now dropping out.....soap oprah story between them)

I'm almost 100% sure that the other bridesmaid wouldn't be upset about being asked later, but should I really do that? I don't want the BM who is dropping out to feel like I can jsut replace her..... and then what happens if at last minute (which really couldn't happen because she wouldn't have a dress) the first BM wants back in??

If you have ANY advice on how to handle this situation PLEASE share it!

 

[mom2of2]

I may be totally out of line or out of the "wedding loop" here but to TELL your bridesmaids 2 years in advance to save $1000 for YOUR wedding.....is kinda, sorta rude! Especially when you are having people who are still in school. $1000? that's a bit much.

My cousin asked me 4 months ago to be in her wedding. We discussed what she would pay for and what I would pay for since the wedding is in NJ and I live in FL. I'm paying for my dress and shoes and plane ticket. She is paying for my hair, makeup, hotel and airport transportation. We are basically splitting the cost. She does not expect a gift since she felt me being in her wedding and spending the money to be in it her gift.

As for someone backing out because she doesn't have the money....if you aren't helping her with the cost...offer to. If she still can't afford to be a member of the wedding party, or if you can't swing it, then ask the other person but I would offer to pay at least half of her expenses as well.

Remember, they didn't ask for you to have a destination wedding nor did they ask to be in the wedding party. If you aren't shouldering at least 1/2 the cost then maybe you should rethink things a little.

I don't mean to be mean and like I said this could be the norm nowadays but I would never have even thought about asking my bridesmaids to put out that kind of money.

 

[cheeks605]

Nkkla,
I had a very similar situation happen to me. One of my bridesmaids had a falling out with her fiance and they split. She left town, the day before my shower, and I didn't hear from her until a few days ago when I got a letter explaining she wasn't planning to be in my wedding.

Her dress was ordered (my wedding is a little over a month away), and the dress place is giving me a hard time about paying the balance. I say it's your wedding and if you want to add another bridesmaid to be with you on that day you should do it. Don't look at it as replacing the girl who dropped, look at is an opportunity to include someone special.

If the other bridesmaid does want to take a part in the wedding later you could always rush the bridesmaid dress. If it's too soon, you could always have her do something special like a reading or speech. And you could even get her flowers.

Also, I'm sure you didn't tell your friends they had to save $1000 for your wedding. I bet it was just a suggestion of an easy way to save some money (think of yourself as a financial planner)! Your friends were probably aware of the cost involved with a destination wedding, it's not like an at-home wedding... I'm sure they were prepared to put out some money.

On another note, this board is supposed to be a friendly place for Disney brides or past brides to respond to questions...not to bash a bride.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

first of all, any wedding planner will tell you that you're not responsible for paying for anything for guests/bridal party accomidations. while it's nice that some people do it, you certainly don't have to.


i'm kind of in the same boat. i told my sister 2 years ago about my Disney Wedding and i figured she'd start saving up. she hasn't yet and is now giving me a hard time about the wedding saying she won't go. and she's supposed to be my MOH and i definatly don't have a friend right now who's close enough to me to be a MOH.

 

[JandJ]

My best friend is in a similar situation. A friend of hers is getting married in November. The bride has a MOH and 2 BMs. One of the BMs had a huge fight with the MOH and dropped out. So the bride asked my best friend to be the other BM. At first she was kind of like "why are you asking me as a runner up?" but then decided it was still nice of her to ask, she didn't have to after all, and it was an honor that she considered her a close enough friend to be a BM, and she agreed. She even helped throw the girl's shower. So, I don't think there is anything wrong with asking another friend to be a BM, she'll probably be happy you considered her.

As for the destination wedding money issue - I also think you were just trying to make a suggestion in telling the girls to start saving. Some people have no financial planning sense and putting away $10 a week is a good way to save for a big upcoming event. I've been a BM and MOH so many times, some quite a distance for me to travel, and only once did the bride offer to help pay for anything - my BM dress - and that was only because her mom made the dresses and she didn't ask me to pay for the material! I've always had to pay for transportation, hotel, dress, etc. It just sort of goes along with being asked. So I really don't think you should be expected to pay for anything, it's nice if you can help financially, but shouldn't be expected.

 

[nkkilala]

Thank you all for your responses.

And as most of you figured out I didn't specifically tell them to save 1k. I was just answering their questions when they asked me about how much all of this would cost them. I told them that if they had about 1k they would be totally set, actually we figured it out and got an actual amount (dress, plane and accomidations). Everyone knows that amount and it is far less thank 1k.

My BMs and I are getting together this weekend to do some further discussing.

wish me luck!

 

[happylalagirl]

Hey there... I had a similar situation only with a little less drama. I had asked our BM's to be in the wedding the week after we were engaged - May of 2005. One of them backed out in June of this year. I thought about it for a while and decided I would ask my sister-in-law to be in our wedding. I explained that my friend had backed out and that was the only other person I would want to share our big day with. She took a couple of days to think about it and said yes. She wasn't offended and I know the other girl isn't going to change her mind. As a matter of fact, I'm wondering if she's going to come at all... her son is supposed to be our ring bearer, but she hasn't made any travel plans yet and the wedding is on Dec. 11...... I say go with your gut. If you really want this girl to be in your wedding, there's nothing awkward about it. Especially if there's drama between them, she would understand why you wouldn't have asked in the beginning. It's your day. You should be able to ask whoever you want to be a part of it. Good luck!!!

 

[JDR2b777]

I asked a "best" friend of mine to be a bridesmaid well, she told me she think about and get back to me. that was fine however, a month past and she hadn't even called me since the day I got engaged and asked her FIRST to be a bridesmaid. I called one night and she didn't answer the phone I left her a message and said, "I haven't heard from you since I got engaged and asked you to be a bridesmaid, I would like to have an answer. You said you would get back to me in like a couple of days and it has been a month. Call me back tonight with you answer and if I do not hear back from you tonigh than I will just count you out." Well, 2 months later after I left that message she still has not called me back. WEIRD - RUDE -

I think the problem is she was planning on getting married last summer and her guy broke up with her and never asked her. Once I got engaged she just stop talking to me. My feelings are hurt b/c I lost what i thought was a best friend. Now I realize she was just selfish all these years.

I asked another friend of mine Michelle to take her place. I have 8 bridesmaids. I could have left her out 7 would have been plenty but I had already bought things in 8 in for the girls.

 

[Dina]

I had a similar situation. I asked my friends to be bridesmaids the day after I got engaged, well it was a 3year engagement-- some of my "college" friends-- well we weren't as close by the wedding as we were when I first got engaged. One of my BMs got engaged herself, and I was pushing my date back (DH and I were only 22 when we got engaged and I was still in grad school, we had no money), anyway to make a long story short, we were planning our weddings for the same month, so she backed out (we talked about it, no hard feelings AT ALL). My husband's best man's fiance (who I have known since I was 8yo), told me if I wanted the bridal parties to be even, that she would be happy to take my friend's place. Some may have thought it was weird that she offered to be a BM, but I thought it was nice. I took her up on it. Funny thing is, now I'm closer with her than I am most of the original members of my bridal party.

 

[jojoandhb]

I had some similar issues. In the end, I decided not to invite drama. I want a stress-free, drama-free wedding. I have enough family drama in my life to supply 2 soap operas with new story lines for a year. I don't want it on my day!!! I'm not having any bridesmaids. We're having a best man and a brother of honor.

 

[ItGirl753]

I've been in many weddings and the bride has never paid for anything for me. Not the dress, shoes, purse, travel, hotel....etc. We are planning a Disney wedding and will not be able to afford paying for things for anyone but ourselves, I am sure.

I have decided on no wedding party for lots of reasons. One is that I don't want the drama with my friends and sisters and their kids (probably husbands too)! Also, I am asking them to travel so I'd rather not have them paying for dresses and accessories for themselves and their children, and carting it all to Florida! Also, I want to avoid the drama over the best man. His brother would have to be the best man, but has been more than rude to me for hte last 8 months. (DBF thinks he is jealous) So my suggestion was NO wedding party, and he agreed. Besides, we'd both love to have an intimate wedding but can't because our families (mine) are too large. This way, it'll just be us up there and everyone else watching.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

i'm just finishing up college and know the whole BM thing well know:

was in weddings in march, may, am in 2 next summer also! i payed for my dresses, but luckily did not have to travel much for the weddings. one was about an hour away from where we lived, so we (the other bridesmaids and i) stayed in a room with the bride the night before the wedding- the other wedding was local, so i just went home! for one wedding i payed for everything (the bride was paying for the entire thing on her own, i didn't expect anything) and for the 2nd wedding the MotB payed for us to get our hair done (she had a LOT of money, so I didn't feel bad!)

on another note...i was complaining to a pretty close friend a few months ago about how expensive it was to be a bridesmaid! i had not much money at the time, and i was going on and on...and then she said "well, don't feel pressured and i'll understand if you don't want to, but i was going to ask if you would be in my wedding next summer" ....and oh man, i felt bad! i agreed though (by next summer i should have some more $$!) and started talking to her all about it. whoops!

it has been nice, though...for the most part, the brides of the wedding i have been a part of have known that most of us are poor college students, and plan everything accordingly!

 

[Prinny27]

Ugh... it's really terrible to have a BM back out, but I think it's ok to have someone else step in. I went all the way to LA this past Memorial Day weekend for a friend's wedding and spent well over $3000 for the trip/wedding (transportation, hotel, dress, accessories, gift, activities, etc.), and every penny was worth it to me. Nothing was paid for by the bride and I would never expect her to pay for me (I think it's just an unstated deal that when you agree to be in a wedding you will pay your own way). However, not everyone can afford being in a wedding, so if there is someone else you have in mind, then you SHOULDN'T feel guilty about it at all! Let her share the love! I think you should talk to the first BM and tell her that you would really love for her to be in your wedding more than anything but you understand if she can't afford the expense, and that while you understand and appreciate her circumstance you asked her awhile ago and 'Disney' is aksing for the final 'roll call'. If she cannot afford to get herself there you have another person who can fill in, and although it won't be the same, you will understand why she can't do it. I am also planning my wedding and I have learned that as much as you want to please everyone else and make them all think that your's is the greatest wedding EVER, the only people that really need to be happy are you and your DF. Good luck!

 

[Laurafoster]

That really sucks that shes wanting to drop out. I certainly agree - you dont have to pay for anything! Sure some brides do and if you have the money it is a nice gesture, but most brides are not in that position! i know im not!