Ok ~ I am irritated

[L107ANGEL]

Thank you everyone for making me feel that it is OK to be upset about all this. The locks are changed, only dh and I have the keys to it. I don't plan on talking to the family anytime soon.... no reason to. It will all blow over eventually and everything will be honky dorey again.

Except the fact that in all of this the most hurtful thing was that my grandma called me yesterday ON MY BIRTHDAY to tell me I was a bad mom and needed a doctor to tell me how to handle my horrible kids. I don't think I can EVER get over that one. It has really depressed me and has me questioning myself.

My dh is not really being very helpful, he never knows how to handle me "being in a bad mood" and he is so thoughtless and clueless and it's driving me nuts. So then he starts acting like an a$$ on top of everything else going on which makes it all worse. It's too late to go to Orlando for the weekend by myself but I am strongly thinking about renting a hotel room somewhere in town tonight just to be by myself and think for awhile. Is that stupid to want to do that?

After reading all of this? NO! I am so sorry! You must feel like your getting it from all ends Take yourself out to dinner, a movie something just for you.

 

[anewvance]

I went to the mall to spend a gift certificate I got for my bday... but now i'm home holed up in my bed room, I feel so bad to be not spending time with the kids today but I just don't feel 100% like dealing with them right now.

I got a card from my MIL today... nada in it, lol. I guess she wasn't kidding when she said cleaning my house was my bday present. I wouldn't be ungrateful for the card if that was what I got every year but in the 9 years i've known her, she has sent me something for my bday every year.

 

[L107ANGEL]

Mellisa, why don't you go out tonight!!! You deserve it!

 

[lbgraves]

Goodness! I thought that I had problems! Sweetie, you don't have the problem...your totally screwed up family has the problem. I would not be able to be civil with your GM at all after what she & your MIL (I think that is who it was) vandalize your home. You have every right to be completely POd at those witches!

 

[UrsulasMyHero]

I'm glad you went out today, but continue to do for yourself. As for your husband being an @$$, tell him to buck up. Tell him you need his support, that he needs to talk to his mom about her invasion of your home.

I'm sorry your Birthday was ruined. Why not take the first weekend of next month and make it your Birthday All over again.

 

[Nancy]

I persoannly would love to see their faces when they realize that you changed the locks! I think you need to call Grandma and tell her that you guys are going away for the weekend (but stay home) and then watch her face when she tries to get in!


to you, I think you need and deserve them.

 

[anewvance]

My husband took us out tonight. I really didn't want to go but i'm glad I did. We went to a hibachi Japanese cook at your table resturant and the kids were angels... and then we went to Barnes & Noble and the kids had a blast. I'm glad I went out.

I just realized tonight that my MIL also threw away free movie tickets I had won. I entered a photo contest for our local newspaper and won the tickets, they were in the batch with the Universal tickets, my ebay payments and usps receipts. So now the free movie tickets are gone too... unbelieveable!

Hey, what you guys think about me writing an email to my MIL? She lives in Denver, she was just visiting to help my grandma watch the kids while I was in Ireland. I'd like to let her know without starting a war with her (because normally she has been a great MIL, a little airheady but otherwise always nice and sweet)... but I do want her to know I am very VERY upset about her throwing away my personal items without my permission. I want her to know just how much $ I am out thanks to her "good deed". I just don't know how to word the email without going totally off. I want to keep it sticky sweet so she feels guilty.

 

[slk537]

Melissa - I have read this with growing frustration and empathy for you...I just told DH that I wish there was something we could do to make your birthday better.

My DS (4 1/2) is very challenging at times as well and it drives me crazy when anyone dares criticize him or me. In your heart you know you are a good mom. Remember that when someone makes you doubt yourself. You said yourself you have beautiful, wonderful, angelic children...SOMEONE had to raise them that way. You did!!!

I am so glad you changed the locks! My house is far from spotless and it drives me crazy when my dad brings up my lack of housekeeping dedication at every chance. I would choke him if he ever "broke in " and cleaned it.

Please, please please plan something for your birthday. Call your best friend or your sister and plan a weekend to go to Orlando. It doesn't matter how close to your birthday it is, just go and celebrate!!! Splurge on something wonderful and decadent and treat yourself the way everyone SHOULD have treated you on your special day. Show them that they can't ruin your birthday because you are more deserving than that.

And go tell your DH right now that it would be really swell if he would stop being a jerk and be your friend because that's the best way to handle your wife when she's in a bad mood or so I tell my DH on the rare ( ) occasion he isn't perfect.

ETA: Looks like your DH redeemed himself with dinner tonight...I am so happy. You deserve a night out!!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ksjayhawks]

I am so sorry about everything. Sending more hugs. And, happy belated birthday!

Now, do not send the email. It needs to come from your dh. Is he on your side or not? He needs to compose an email to his mother--write it out or in word first--that states how he feels about her coming in your home and cleaning without permission. Then he needs to tell her that she threw away things that, while she did not consider them to be important, they WERE very important. Have him list them and the monetary value and troubles that they have caused and changes in plans that have had to be made.

He needs to be very matter of fact and to the point. Keep feelings out of it. You can do the same thing with your mom and grandmother. Same tone. Then, do not let them draw you into a fight over it. Let him deal with his mom, you deal with your family. If they want to keep bringing it up, say that there is nothing more to discuss and go on.

You can choose to let them control your thoughts and feelings and make you miserable or you can basically "put them out of your life" and go ahead. You will be amazed at how calm and relaxed you will be. Don't let them poison your life, that is what they are doing.

There was a big blow out with my inlaws. It was making me miserable and causing trouble with dh. Finally, I decided that I had to "get my inlaws out of my life", it is the best thing I have ever done. I am more relaxed, they cannot hurt me. I rarely deal with them, if I have to they are like a casual acquaintance to me, I am polite, no more, no less. I rarely think of them. It has been very freeing to not give them control over my life! The saddest part? They ruined their relationship with their dgd and dgs and their ds has very little to do with them either.

You can do the same with your family if you choose! You can still see them and interact, but on your terms. If things aren't going right, pack up and leave. Control the contact that they have with dgs and dgd's. Don't let them abuse you or control you. Remember, you deserve more!

 

[babytrees]

Honey-

I agree with a previous poster that it will have to be your husband to write that note/email to your mother in law. She cost you an awful lot of money but unless your husband writes it it will more than likely go in one ear and out the other.

I am glad you went out tonight and had fun!! I still suggest a very merry unbirthday at a hotel sometime soon. Sounds like you need sometime by yourself. If mama ain't happy nobody happy!! Take some "me" time and recharge!!

 

[goofy's friends]

My husband took us out tonight. I really didn't want to go but i'm glad I did. We went to a hibachi Japanese cook at your table resturant and the kids were angels... and then we went to Barnes & Noble and the kids had a blast. I'm glad I went out.

I just realized tonight that my MIL also threw away free movie tickets I had won. I entered a photo contest for our local newspaper and won the tickets, they were in the batch with the Universal tickets, my ebay payments and usps receipts. So now the free movie tickets are gone too... unbelieveable!

Hey, what you guys think about me writing an email to my MIL? She lives in Denver, she was just visiting to help my grandma watch the kids while I was in Ireland. I'd like to let her know without starting a war with her (because normally she has been a great MIL, a little airheady but otherwise always nice and sweet)... but I do want her to know I am very VERY upset about her throwing away my personal items without my permission. I want her to know just how much $ I am out thanks to her "good deed". I just don't know how to word the email without going totally off. I want to keep it sticky sweet so she feels guilty.

I don't think there is any way you can make it sweet without sounding very sarcastic. I agree with the poster that said it needs to come from your husband. I was the one that suggested "billing" them and I do think he should list out the monetary value of things that they threw out and gave away. She needs to know that this was not a "good deed" and it was an unacceptable invasion of privacy. Someone said that it was like vandalism, and I agree--it is that bad--they caused damage. She will probably blame it on your grandmother then and your husband can tell her that your grandmother got the same e-mail from you.

 

[hellokitty86]

OP, I just wanted to say that I am absolutely at a loss for words when it comes to this situation! I'm sorry you had to come home from a vacation to your house in shambles, not being able to find anything..If I were you, I would have a fit, so I won't give the best advice when it comes to writing a not nasty email. I just wanted to wish you a (late) Happy Birthday, and know that you shouldn't feel bad at all about how you are raising your kids, or how your house looks!

I hope this week is better for you!

 

[anewvance]

Dh would never write an email so I guess i'm out there....

I did some thinking this morning and here is a list of what i'm out so far thanks to her. These are the ones that I KNOW I can pin on her... i'm not sure who threw away the cups and the sippy cups and I know my grandma is the one that gave the clothes to Goodwill.

Universal Tickets - $120 (what they would cost without the coupon)
Movie Tickets - $17 ($8.50 each)
2 ebay payments - $22 (one was for $10 and the other was for $12)
2 of the coke coupons for 5 liters of coke - $12 (cokes are about $1.19 each here)
4 stove burners - $60 (she decided to soak our burners for 24 hours and now our stove doesn't work)

Grand total for her oh so helpful service? $231! Gee thanks!

 

[roseprincess]

I have to be honest here. I understand you are very upset that your Grandma and MIL cleaned your house, broke into your house without you knowing,may have thrown some of your stuff out, etc. But you know what?? You got it made!!!!!!
You had FREE babysitting for 2 WEEKS while you and your dh went to IRELAND!!! I don't know if you went to Ireland for your wedding anniversary, second honeymoon, or for whatever reason. Your Dh also took you and your kids out last night to a Japanese restaurtant for your birthday!!!
To me, it sounds like for the most part, you have a good life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think it sounds to me you are drawing out this pity party for yourself. Ok, so if you knew in the past that your grandma likes to break in your house and clean your place, then before you leave out of town, you shoud have locked up your tickets you won (the US tickets, movie tickets, etc) in a safe hidden somewhere in your house. Not sure why you didin't lock up your ebay stuff, tickets, beforehand in a large safe??
Ok, I don't know you well, but you are blessed you even got to go to Ireland AND had free babysitting for 2 WEEKS!!! And your dh took you out for your birthday. So , who cares if you didn't get a $$ gift or some kind of present from your MIL. I never get any gift from my in-laws for my b-day. I never get Mother's day cards or any recognition from my in-laws of Mother's day.
I have never been to Europe, seriously I haven't. My parents only babysit my kids 2 days tops, and that's for an emergency situation. Dh and I don't have any other family willing to babysit my kids, they don't want to.

What I'm trying to say here is, stop doing this pity party, stop getting even with your MIL thing. So, a couple of things got ruined. You should feel blessed you have your dh, your kids, your side of the family that loves you, a roof over your head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next time you are out of town, lock up your valuables(ebay stuff, tickets,etc) in a safe!!!!!!!!!!


Rosemarie

 

[Disney Doll]

Actually, a roseprincess makes some good points, albeit a little more harshly than I would have.

You cannot control other peoples' behavior. You can only control your reaction to it.

Yes, your MIL and grandmother were wrong on many levels. But I am not sure why you are giving them the power to have such control over your fellings and emotions. I mean, look back on what you have written. You have allowed them to ruin your birthday.

You have changed the locks...good start. Make sure that neither you or DH gives anyone the key.

Change any other access points to the house that they may have, such as remote garage door openers, push button lock combos and so on.

Don't hide a key anywhere outside, where they may find it.

If you give a key to a trusted neighbor, tell them that under no circumstances are they to let your MIL or Grandmother into your home if either you or DH is not there.

Get caller ID and limit the amount of time you speak with them. DH has a "difficult" sister, and caller ID has been a godsend in terms of speaking with her. She leaves messages and we respond at times when we sort of "know" she won't be home, or we respond via e-mail.

Figure out how you will handle conversations with your MIL and grandmother when they begin to take a turn that you do not like. It could be as simple as "Gram (or MIL), I am not discussing this subject with you. Thanks for calling and I will talk to you soon". And then hang up. The key is to keep your voice calm and neutral. It's called limit-setting and it works. My parents had this habit of getting into bickering sessions when I was visiting them until the day I said "I am not going to listen to you two bicker". I kissed them good-bye calmly and got up and left. The next time I visited, and the bickering started, I said "I am not going to sit here and listen to you two bicker" and started to get up and leave and they were like "no, no, stay." and the bickering stoppped. It just takes retraining and limit-setting.

Yes, your Grandmother was good to you growing up, and your MIL is essentially a good person too. That does not give either of them the right to run your life or interfere, and they need to learn that. It will take time and consistency, but they will learn. You have probably let them get away with it in the past, so they think it is an acceptable behavior.

You will probably also need to figure out other child-care arrangements, because they will try and "punish" you by not agreeing to watch your children any more.

You will also need to stop involving your sister and other family members in your disputes.

It's time to put on the big girl panties and deal with this.

Good luck.

 

[anewvance]

Thanks for the great kick in the butt to help me get over it all...

Seriously though, 50+ posters thought it was alright and allowed for me to vent here... everyone vents! I know my life isn't the worst in the world, I have it very well. But I have a right to vent in life just like everyone else.

So thanks for being the one that put it out there that i need to get over it, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and in a way I agree with you. And in a way i'm sure all the other 50+ posters agree with you. But they were being compationate, understanding that what they did wasn't correct.

How I deal with it in the future is all up to me... but right now, I had to vent and that's how I dealt with it. And I apologize if I upset or bothered anyone.

p.s. and yes I had child care for 2 weeks but now I won't have ANY for a long time. That means I have no way to go to physical therapy for my knee and foot from the accident because I simply can NOT take 3 kids with me. And it isn't easy around here to find child care, i've never had to deal with it before and i can't just pick someone out of the book just like that and that's what I need right now. It might just be me, but I don't trust just anyone...

 

[PrincessKitty1]

It's time to put on the big girl panties and deal with this.

Good luck.

What a repulsive statement.

I agree that the OP needs some help with setting limits, but she already has enough people lecturing her and insulting her.

 

[anewvance]

What a repulsive statement.

I agree that the OP needs some help with setting limits, but she already has enough people lecturing her and insulting her.

Well she's partially right, I've got on Mickey Mouse underwear right now. I don't suppose those count as "big girl panties"?

 

[kimmikayb]

I've been out of town and jumped into this thread late...just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Not only do you have the right to be frustrated and angry but there is some huge boundry issues going on here. Change the locks will deal with the immediate problem of people getting in the house. But you will have to come to terms with the other issues. Yes, you love your grandma and MIL and you are grateful for everything they have done for you, but their love doesn't give them keys to berate you, go through your personal things or take away valuable things of yours. Plus I'm not sure I understand the whole birthday thing...it seems extremely unfair that your twin gets "extra" gifts. I would feel the same as you, like I didn't count as much. You have every right to feel bad (and shame on your DH for not trying to make you feel better) and have a pity party for a few days. I think if your relationship was/is good with your MIL in the past, do send her an email. Tell her you were having a hard time locating things that were misplaced in the "cleaning" and list them asking her to help you find them. If it were me, I'd list the prices too so it stresses how important the items were. I honestly think your grandma is a different story. I think you have to learn how to deal with her the way she is. Just change your locks.

hugs...and happy bday!

 

[anewvance]

I sent an email to my mom asking if she was still taking my little sister to Orlando because I really want to plan my birthday getaway next weekend. And I also asked if she would consider giving me the extra disney ticket (after all it is my little sisters ticket, not hers!). So we could go to Universal Studios one day and a Disney park of my sister's choosing the other day.

Now the trouble is finding a hotel room. There are no AP or Fl resident rates out right now to stay on Disney property. And no rooms available except king club rooms on Universal Studio property. So I guess we'll be picking out an off property motel room. But i've decided i'm gonna go next weekend no matter what, even if I have to go by myself and stay at Motel 6!