Oh no, I've hit my first big relationship hurdle - UPDATE # 2

[florida-again]

Have you considered the possibility that his objection comes from fear? Perhaps he's afraid that once you have the procedure, that you will be even more attractive to other men and his days will be numbered - therefore he may feel ending it at his discretion rather than yours is preferable. If his fear is irrational and unfounded, perhaps discussing that angle with him will solve the problem.

I think this may be part of the reason. When we first met (before my nose got bad) I guess I was your average 'pretty girl' while he was not necessarily the type that girls would go for. Of course over the years it hasn't ever been an issue, we're equals and that's that. But sometimes I do wonder if that's why he doesn't want me to have my nose done. He's crazy though, even if Brad Pitt knocked on my door, I don't have eyes for anyone but him.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Thank you for your kind response. I decided that we won't get anywhere talking about it, but we won't get anywhere not discussing it. So I put all my thoughts down in an email to him for him to read at his leisure. I know it seems strange to do that rather than to talk in person but it means I can get it all across to him without him getting angry or disrupting me.

That's a great idea and something I do in situations where I feel like I can't put how I feel into words in the moment. I haven't had to do it w/ DBF yet.. but I definitely would.

What I wanted to get across was that you need to convey to him how incredibly important this is (no matter how you may do this). Make sure to mention the weight vs nose thing and how you'd support him in any personal decisions he makes and that you would hope that after three years he'd do the same!! Goodluck!!

 

[bicker]

Well, you just said that the reason that her nose and his weight are not similar is because weight has to do with health... and then you say this is irrelevant? Aren't you negating what you just said?

Not negating it -- merely saying that the fact that it isn't a health issue doesn't matter with regard to whether he should support her decision. That might reasonably be expected to affect someone's personal decision about whether they should pursue the plastic surgery -- it is a valid discriminating factor -- but it shouldn't affect someone's personal decision to support a loved one's decision in that regard.

So, I'm saying it should matter, but it should not matter to him. Sorry for the confusion.

He isn't trying to gain weight to be a healthier person- he's trying to gain it for appearance reasons.

Again, it doesn't matter in this case. Understand, though, that what I said translates to him deliberately pursuing a path that would reduce his longevity. (By the same token, research also shows that while underweight people live longer than "healthy weight" people, they're not as healthy, obviously. Again, we're getting way off the topic -- my point was that none of this matters when it comes to supporting a loved one's reasonable decision with regard to something like this.)

 

[Disney Doll]

You are correct. It is your body and therefore ultimately your choice, just as it is his choice whether or not he wants to stay with you.

Do your research, get some counselling, make sure your self-esteem is on track and you're nose is really horrible, make sure your body image is OK. Sometimes, we think something is a huge, gross flaw and other folks may not notice it. If all those things check out, and your nose is truly still bothering you and you are an adult, then if you want a nose job, get it.

If DBF leaves, then he has done you a favor. If he starts telling you what to do about your nose, imagine what he'd think he could tell you to do once you are married.

There's a fine line between "you don't need a nose job because I love you and think you're beautiful just the way you are, but I'll support your decision" and "you don't need a nose job because I said so and I am the boss".

Don't cross that fine line. I know you young girls don't believe us old ladies, but there are other fish in the sea and even if there aren't, better to be alone than married to an idiot.

 

[Disney Doll]

Have you considered the possibility that his objection comes from fear? Perhaps he's afraid that once you have the procedure, that you will be even more attractive to other men and his days will be numbered - therefore he may feel ending it at his discretion rather than yours is preferable. If his fear is irrational and unfounded, perhaps discussing that angle with him will solve the problem.

I thought of this. I also thought that poerhaps DBF is trying to end the relationship and the nose job is the angle he'll use. You know "I told her if she got a nose job we were over, and she got a nose job anyway".

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Have you thought about asking "WHY" he is against it.

To break up over a cosmetic procedure is silly IMHO. You say that your nose used to be fine and it only happened recently, right?

I have a really crooked nose, which has only been that way recently.

First off--I wouldn't tackle fixing it yet. I don't know how old you are--but if something happened to make it that way--perhaps something will happen and it will self correct. I'm drawing straws--but I just want to be sure it isn't like someone who gained just 10 pounds and decides to have gastric bypass over 10 pounds.

And nose surgeries aren't cheap--1000s of American dollars at the very least (if not 10s of thousands). YOu are JUST graduating and JUST got your job. From a financial standpoint--I wouldn't be jumping under the knife so soon. Settle into your new career first before commiting yourself financially and medically to the procedure.

But at the very least--instead of coming to us on the DIS--you should be having a heart to heart with your boyfriend over why he feels the way he does. If he can't support you--you should be able to find out why.

I think he's justified in his stance. Doesn't mean that I am saying you should listen to him.

 

[florida-again]

Have you thought about asking "WHY" he is against it.

To break up over a cosmetic procedure is silly IMHO. You say that your nose used to be fine and it only happened recently, right?



First off--I wouldn't tackle fixing it yet. I don't know how old you are--but if something happened to make it that way--perhaps something will happen and it will self correct. I'm drawing straws--but I just want to be sure it isn't like someone who gained just 10 pounds and decides to have gastric bypass over 10 pounds.

And nose surgeries aren't cheap--1000s of American dollars at the very least (if not 10s of thousands). YOu are JUST graduating and JUST got your job. From a financial standpoint--I wouldn't be jumping under the knife so soon. Settle into your new career first before commiting yourself financially and medically to the procedure.

But at the very least--instead of coming to us on the DIS--you should be having a heart to heart with your boyfriend over why he feels the way he does. If he can't support you--you should be able to find out why.

I think he's justified in his stance. Doesn't mean that I am saying you should listen to him.

I haven't yet had much of a chance to discuss it with him. We first spoke about it last night, but he got mad very quickly before we could have a proper conversation. Today we've spoken to say 'hi', but we're both really busy.

As for the finance side, I'm not worried about that, I have some savings and I temp in a bank which pays pretty good.

I don't know why my nose suddenly got so bad, it wasn't from an injury. I'm jewish so I guess its in my genes to have a crooked nose.

I've emailed BF explaining how I feel, I don't really know what more to do at this stage. I've tried to ask him so many times before WHY he doesn't want me to have a nose job, but I've only got 'I just don't' out of him.

 

[florida-again]

Well I've just told him (via text message) that I emailed him, and that I'd really like him to read it. I told him if he read it and still felt that we would absolutely break up if I had it done, then we would go from there.

...............................................

 

[Nancy]

Why can he not support you in something that is so obviously hurting you emotionally??? If someone threatened to "break up" with me over this, I think I'd be showing them the door.

That's my take on it too. If something was that important to me and was affecting my self esteem and is getting you down than he should be saying things like, "while I may not agree with your decision, if this is what will make you happy, I will be here for you."

 

[florida-again]

Well, we have progress I think!

He replied to my text 'look, I don't really want to talk about it. As long as you don't expect my sympathy or support then fine, do it'.

(I know that sounds like he's being angry, but in the context of the whole message he was actually being cooperative and telling me to go for it!!!!'

Of course it might still be an issue when it actually happens but I think I'm willing to take that risk

 

[kdibattista]

I'm sure everything will settle down once he has had time to adjust. Good luck

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well, we have progress I think!

He replied to my text 'look, I don't really want to talk about it. As long as you don't expect my sympathy or support then fine, do it'.

(I know that sounds like he's being angry, but in the context of the whole message he was actually being cooperative and telling me to go for it!!!!'

Of course it might still be an issue when it actually happens but I think I'm willing to take that risk

I still have a problem with that statement. You will be in pain and need some help. Is he just going to ignore you and have you fetch your own things in the first day or so?

It isn't anger--but if he follows through and does nothing....then that doesn't speak highly of how he treats you--regardless of the circumstances of the nose job.

 

[dg39]

If I were in your shoes, I would expect full and total support from my dh/so/dbf. I'm married for 23 yrs. and in all these years there were plenty of things we each did, that we didn't always agree on. BUT, we always supported each other fully. One thing I definately would not want to hear or expect to hear is "do it, but don't expect my sympathy or support"..

 

[florida-again]

I still have a problem with that statement. You will be in pain and need some help. Is he just going to ignore you and have you fetch your own things in the first day or so?

It isn't anger--but if he follows through and does nothing....then that doesn't speak highly of how he treats you--regardless of the circumstances of the nose job.

I should have been more clear....to clarify, I live at home with my parents, not with BF so essentially I can live without his sympathy.

 

[chris1gill]

This is too bad for HIM... I totally think you should get your nose done if you want to... there is no reason going around, being self conscious about something you can change... if it really bothers you, then by gosh, go to the doctor! Maybe they can just set it back to the way it was before it changed. Maybe you could show him those pictures, and tell him that's what you want it to look like again. Maybe he thinks you will go do something totally radical & it scares him!

Too bad for him though....

 

[florida-again]

This is too bad for HIM... I totally think you should get your nose done if you want to... there is no reason going around, being self conscious about something you can change... if it really bothers you, then by gosh, go to the doctor! Maybe they can just set it back to the way it was before it changed. Maybe you could show him those pictures, and tell him that's what you want it to look like again. Maybe he thinks you will go do something totally radical & it scares him!

Too bad for him though....

I actually emailed him a picture which shows the problem with my nose (not that he doesn't KNOW what the problem is). I told him all I want it the bump straightened. I don't want my nose made smaller or changed into some strange hollywood nose, just to be straighter.

 

[MsLeFever]

Well, we have progress I think!

He replied to my text 'look, I don't really want to talk about it. As long as you don't expect my sympathy or support then fine, do it'.

Well, that's a start - he just better hope you don't have a gorgeous nurse that is more than willing to give you both!

Does he just not do well with pain? After my first baby my husband and I decided that we needed a birth coach that WASN'T him because he just got too needy himself and wasn't much help to me. I found a friend who was a massage therapist and would have been a kickbutt coach (if I hadn't needed an emergency c-sec!) Trying to put a good spin on this - maybe he just doesn't want to see you in pain!

 

[KarenAylwood]

Not negating it -- merely saying that the fact that it isn't a health issue doesn't matter with regard to whether he should support her decision. That might reasonably be expected to affect someone's personal decision about whether they should pursue the plastic surgery -- it is a valid discriminating factor -- but it shouldn't affect someone's personal decision to support a loved one's decision in that regard.

So, I'm saying it should matter, but it should not matter to him. Sorry for the confusion.

Again, it doesn't matter in this case. Understand, though, that what I said translates to him deliberately pursuing a path that would reduce his longevity. (By the same token, research also shows that while underweight people live longer than "healthy weight" people, they're not as healthy, obviously. Again, we're getting way off the topic -- my point was that none of this matters when it comes to supporting a loved one's reasonable decision with regard to something like this.)

Ah ha, I get you now. I think I just misunderstood your posts. Thanks for the clarification


florida-again: How old are you and your BF? I was wondering because his reactions may have to do with immaturity issues more than actual dislike of the idea of surgery. I'm not saying he sounds immature persay, just that it might have something to do with that.

After hearing his reply to your email I'm not so settled with it either. I don't like the whole "no sympathy/support" line. After hearing how upset you are about it, that was his reply?

Give it a little more time and discussion, but I think that if he keeps with the "no support/sympathy but I won't break up with you" sentiment... find someone who actually will support you. The last thing you want is him to hold onto this and come to secretly resent you for doing it when he told you not to. I'd hate to have this pop up in an argument down the road "well, I told you not to have the surgery and look, you went ahead and did it so.. blah blah blah".

 

[sleepyone]

I agree with the others; you should do what makes you feel good about yourself.

Maybe, he loves the way your nose looks and it's something that attracted him to you...I don't know. Maybe, he's afraid.

 

[*Star*]

Ulitimately you need to be happy with yourself.

I would think maybe its a fear issue from him. You need to do what is right for you. It may be a 'make or break' situation but it could also solidify you relationship.

I am having probelms of a health issues and my attitude is to take away the problem, which would be a hysterectomy. I'm only 31 BUT I can't go on for many more years like I am. My chap is saing to hold on, noone has recommended that course of action so slow down. We discuss it and I can understand what hes saying and vice versa. Until they recommend it he won't even entertain the idea.

I honestly think you should do it and everythink with your chap will be fine.