Oh no, I've hit my first big relationship hurdle - UPDATE # 2

[florida-again]

I have a really crooked nose, which has only been that way recently. A few years ago my nose was normal and I was reasonably pretty. I don't know why but my nose grew and changed, and it distorts my face a lot now.
I've always been ademant that as soon as I have time, I will have a nose job. It genuinely gets me down and I'm sick of it.

So yesterday I got my job! I'll graduate in June and start work in September, which means I'll finally have enough time to have my nose done

Problem is, BF has always said he didn't like the idea of me having it done and although he wouldn't break up with me for doing it, he wouldn't be happy. I never thought too much of this as it was only hypothetical.

However, last night I told him that I was planning to have it done once I graduate, and I'd really appreciate his support. He made it clear he wasn't willing to support me in it. He said he couldn't see us staying together if I had it done.

I'm DEVASTATED. The insane thing about it is that he has his own body hang-up, he is very underweight and it upsets him so much that to tackle this he works out every day, takes diet supplements and eats certain foods. I've tried to explain to him that it's the same in my case. My nose upsets me and I want to change it, same as he wants to change his body.

But he won't have it. I'm really upset. I love him so so much and never imagined us breaking up, but it's my body and I genuinely feel that it's my decision not his. I don't want to live with my nose like this forever, but then nor do I want to live without him.

 

[bicker]

Personally, I wouldn't put much stock in a companion who won't support me with regard to the reasonable decisions I make concerning my own body. I'm not saying to dump him, but I'm saying that his lack of support for your decision warrants him having to re-prove himself if he wants to remain part of a loving relationship with you.

 

[florida-again]

Personally, I wouldn't put much stock in a companion who won't support me with regard to the reasonable decisions I make concerning my own body. I'm not saying to dump him, but I'm saying that his lack of support for your decision warrants him having to re-prove himself if he wants to remain part of a loving relationship with you.

I agree with you. I've never felt like this before about him. He's generally very supportive. If he was passionately 'love yourself just the way you are' person, then I could understand it. However, not only does he work hard on changes his own body image, but he also talks about it all the time. I don't want him to get fatter, I love him how he is, but I don't talk about it, nor would I ever get upset over it. Its his body to do what he likes with. I can't understand how he can't see how the two situations are really the same

 

[bicker]

Well, they're actually not the same, unless your nose becomes a health-impacting issue. Weight is always health-impacting, though being underweight has been shown to contribute towards longevity, rather than hindering it. Regardless, that's irrelevant. There isn't any reason to find a correlation between your situation and his. What you're planning is reasonable. Many people do it. It isn't some fringe action. It is your body, so it is your decision. His reticence to support that is all that is of consequence, here. If he won't support your now, will he support you with comparable decisions after, say, marriage?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You haven't hit a "hurdle" you have hit the "wall".

He has clearly stated his beliefs and you have to accept that. It doesn't matter "why". To analyze that is to be silly. He is being clear.
He has given you the price of admission for staying in a relationship with him.

It is clear that you intend to go forward so you have your answer.

Seems pretty black and white to me.

 

[florida-again]

You haven't hit a "hurdle" you have hit the "wall".

He has clearly stated his beliefs and you have to accept that. It doesn't matter "why". To analyze that is to be silly. He is being clear.
He has given you the price of admission for staying in a relationship with him.

It is clear that you intend to go forward so you have your answer.

Seems pretty black and white to me.

I guess you're right, although I'd like to think the two of us could discuss and perhaps overcome it. I'd certainly like to at least know his reasons why. After 3 years together I don't want to settle for breaking up over something I can't understand.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess you're right, although I'd like to think the two of us could discuss and perhaps overcome it. I'd certainly like to at least know his reasons why. After 3 years together I don't want to settle for breaking up over something I can't understand.

To try and overcome something he is totally against is folly. That is like banging your head against the wall. Why torture yourself??? I don't get that.

 

[bicker]

No, I agree with florida-again. A relationship of three years is worth working on. People do change their perspectives, when they come to understand how damaging those perspectives are.

 

[florida-again]

To try and overcome something he is totally against is folly. That is like banging your head against the wall. Why torture yourself??? I don't get that.

I'd really just like to know his reasons more than anything. Furthermore, throughout our relationship he's always expressed a dislike for the idea, but always just said 'ok, but just don't expect any sympathy from me if it goes wrong or when it hurts', we've always been able to joke about it.

But now it's no longer hypothetical, he suddenly said he would finish with me over it.

Had I known this was the case, I would have made a decision earlier to either forget the idea of having my nose done, or to end things with him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, I agree with florida-again. A relationship of three years is worth working on. People do change their perspectives, when they come to understand how damaging those perspectives are.

Yes that is true but her boyfriend has the one to come around not her. Chasing after someone who wants to break up with you is not in your best interest.

Perhaps he will come around, I don't know. But what can she do? He has said that he will break up with her if she has the surgery.

So she has the surgery and he breaks up and then what? She chases him and calls him to take her back?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But now it's no longer hypothetical, he suddenly said he would finish with me over it.

Had I known this was the case, I would have made a decision earlier to either forget the idea of having my nose done, or to end things with him.

Alot of changes are going to be happening for you soon. Maybe that is part of it?

 

[bicker]

Yes that is true but her boyfriend has the one to come around not her.

I agree, in this case. Note, however, that if the conflict was florida-again deciding to become Pantheist, I wouldn't place any expectations on the boyfriend to "come around." There is a clear delineation between what is within the purview of a boyfriend or husband and what is not. Basically, he is "wrong" with regard to his position regarding the plastic surgery, while he wouldn't be "wrong" if florida-again was changing her religion, IMHO. (Now, if his concerns about the plastic surgery were that they, as a couple with pooled finances, couldn't afford it, that would be yet-another story...)

So basically, from what I can tell from the florida-again's description of the situation, what I'm saying is that he is "wrong" and should "change" -- not necessarily for this relationship but for his own good -- really in the interest of whatever relationship he ever hopes to have with another person.

 

[florida-again]

Alot of changes are going to be happening for you soon. Maybe that is part of it?

As much as I hate to admit it....this may be the case. However, BF and have got through nearly 3 years of living apart when we went off to seperate colleges, so it feels a bit like we could over-come anything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Basically, he is "wrong" with regard to his position regarding the plastic surgery, while he wouldn't be "wrong" if florida-again was changing her religion, IMHO. (Now, if his concerns about the plastic surgery were that they, as a couple with pooled finances, couldn't afford it, that would be yet-another story...)

So basically, from what I can tell from the florida-again's description of the situation, what I'm saying is that he is "wrong" and should "change" -- not necessarily for this relationship but for his own good -- really in the interest of whatever relationship he ever hopes to have with another person.

Well I disagree. I think the man is within his rights to be against the plastic surgery and end the relationship.
I do not think THAT is wrong.

Is he wrong, now that is different.

 

[kilee]

Why can he not support you in something that is so obviously hurting you emotionally??? If someone threatened to "break up" with me over this, I think I'd be showing them the door.

 

[bicker]

I think the man is within his rights to be against the plastic surgery

Okay, well we'll just have to agree to disagree about that. I can agree that the man is within his rights to be against having plastic surgery himself; he doesn't have such proprietary rights with regard to anyone else.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Well, they're actually not the same, unless your nose becomes a health-impacting issue. Weight is always health-impacting, though being underweight has been shown to contribute towards longevity, rather than hindering it. Regardless, that's irrelevant. There isn't any reason to find a correlation between your situation and his.

Well, you just said that the reason that her nose and his weight are not similar is because weight has to do with health... and then you say this is irrelevant? Aren't you negating what you just said?

He isn't trying to gain weight to be a healthier person- he's trying to gain it for appearance reasons. How are they different? Both wants are driven by problems they find with their appearance... not with what is healthy or not.

If he won't support your now, will he support you with comparable decisions after, say, marriage?

Now this I do agree with.

Seems pretty black and white to me.

It's never black and white when it comes to a relationship of three years. It's so easy to judge someone else's situation when it has nothing to do with you- few things are black and white after being in love and in a relationship for three years.


florida-again~ I'm in a relationship right now of almost three years myself and am living with my DBF. This conversation you had with your BF occurred last night... is there any way that he is just trying a last stitch effort to stop you? It's something he doesn't want you to do, so is he being irrational about "you do it, I break up with you"? I know that I sometimes say things that are a little rash to get my point across. For instance- I told DBF that if he ever went into the military I'd break up with him (well, this is something that would affect me more than him changing his nose... but I'm going with it). In reality if it really came down to it, I couldn't bear to break up with him over anything (short of something really bad happening) and I'd find some way to be happy and support him in his decisions.

I'd recommend letting your BF sit over things for a while... this won't be happening until June or later. Maybe get him used to the idea. I'm sure that this change is scary for him, and he may need some time to adjust. Don't rush things with it.

It's not going to be any easier to break up a three year relationship than a three and a half year one. Sit him down- compare the image issues between you and him (nose vs weight). Let him know how incredibly important it is to you that you get this done. If he's worth it (which it seems like he is in your mind), I would give it a little time and a little more discussion.

Goodluck, and please keep us updated

 

[Galahad]

Have you considered the possibility that his objection comes from fear? Perhaps he's afraid that once you have the procedure, that you will be even more attractive to other men and his days will be numbered - therefore he may feel ending it at his discretion rather than yours is preferable. If his fear is irrational and unfounded, perhaps discussing that angle with him will solve the problem.

 

[florida-again]

Well, you just said that the reason that her nose and his weight are not similar is because weight has to do with health... and then you say this is irrelevant? Aren't you negating what you just said?

He isn't trying to gain weight to be a healthier person- he's trying to gain it for appearance reasons. How are they different? Both wants are driven by problems they find with their appearance... not with what is healthy or not.




Now this I do agree with.



It's never black and white when it comes to a relationship of three years. It's so easy to judge someone else's situation when it has nothing to do with you- few things are black and white after being in love and in a relationship for three years.


florida-again~ I'm in a relationship right now of almost three years myself and am living with my DBF. This conversation you had with your BF occurred last night... is there any way that he is just trying a last stitch effort to stop you? It's something he doesn't want you to do, so is he being irrational about "you do it, I break up with you"? I know that I sometimes say things that are a little rash to get my point across. For instance- I told DBF that if he ever went into the military I'd break up with him (well, this is something that would affect me more than him changing his nose... but I'm going with it). In reality if it really came down to it, I couldn't bear to break up with him over anything (short of something really bad happening) and I'd find some way to be happy and support him in his decisions.

I'd recommend letting your BF sit over things for a while... this won't be happening until June or later. Maybe get him used to the idea. I'm sure that this change is scary for him, and he may need some time to adjust. Don't rush things with it.

It's not going to be any easier to break up a three year relationship than a three and a half year one. Sit him down- compare the image issues between you and him (nose vs weight). Let him know how incredibly important it is to you that you get this done. If he's worth it (which it seems like he is in your mind), I would give it a little time and a little more discussion.

Goodluck, and please keep us updated

Thank you for your kind response. I decided that we won't get anywhere talking about it, but we won't get anywhere not discussing it. So I put all my thoughts down in an email to him for him to read at his leisure. I know it seems strange to do that rather than to talk in person but it means I can get it all across to him without him getting angry or disrupting me.

 

[Skywalker]

I just think that if it is something so important to you, then you should get it done. It is one of those things that you may regret and resent for the rest of your life if you don't. Sometimes, once life progresses and you have children or other bills you might not be in the position again to do such things for yourself - maybe you will, who knows. In my opinion, if he REALLY loves you AT ALL, he will not break up with you over it. And if he does, well there is your answer and it just proves you were right in making YOURSELF happy.