oh geesh--in the dog house with my mother!!! (VERY LONG)

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm so ready to ditch her on face book.

She's a real piece of work.

I sent a regular e-mail yesterday to all of my family incuding her yesterday morning to announce our pregnancy (ETA this is our 4th baby and what we did for our last two--e-mail was sent to our parents (all 3 sets of them) and siblings--if her issue was with not getting a phone call, trust me--she would have mentioned it.)

Last night I went ahead and told my friends on f/b.

This morning I get f/b message from my mother.

you did not tell me. I feel like we are gettng more and more estranged. I would like to know why. am i a bad influence because of my lifestyle? you don't call or visit. I realize **** (my dh) has no respect for me, but you should. I am proud of my military service and you should be also. I need to know. I gave you the choice of religion, I did not realize I would lose you to it. If I had to do it all over again, I would have raised you a Methodist. You know, you say that it does not matter when you hurt someone's feelings, but it does. You are hurting the part of YOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY that should matter. I did not raise you this way, what happened?

Okay--I've been sick as a dog and when I entered her name into my e-mail, her e-mail came up. So I didn't ditch her. I made a mistake. Just got a bounce back message to her correct e-mail and it looks like maybe she doesn't have e-mail anymore. (HOW THE HECK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS????)

Next--I'm Catholic--her whole "let me choose" argument is kind of silly, she's had no interest in any church since my birth. However, my choice does not mean that I judge her or deliberately avoid her. Quite the contrary! She minces no words to tell me what she thinks of the Pope.

Next--my brother had a commitment ceremony over the summer. My DH was supposed to go but forgot of a conflicting date with a very cool (and non-turn downable) work assignment. He does this to me ALL the time. He just forgets that sometimes his travel dates conflict with his business trips. This business trip was 2 weeks of a NAVY SUBMARINE as a civilian testing whatever widget his company makes. My mother has personalized this as deliberate disrespect. I gotta say, if DH could pull off getting military permission to hide in a sub for 2 weeks from my mother--that's just AMAZING!

So 2 months ago, we book a trip to California to visit my aging grandparents. I posted this on f/b b/c we are excited. My DH's grandfather passed in February and he gave all 25 of his grandkids cash. My DH opted to use that for airline tickets to CA to fulfill a promise that we'd get the kids out west eventually. My mother had a cow. She posted "no comment" on my announbcement, then sent me a scathing f/b message about when my WHOLE family was coming to visit her? And how we can find the time to fly to california when we don't make time to visit her. We were just there, and my husband WASN'T avoiding you!!! We visited much more frequently when she was in St. Augustine and only 2.5 hours away.

She moved to Key West in 2007. My DH was on a field assignment (as in lived in Washington DC for a year!) so couldn't come down. He finally got down one time, but I dont remember when. 2008 we had a new baby. Now it is 2009.

It's a SEVEN HOUR DRIVE without stops from my door to hers. We can't pop down for a weekend. We split our time among all family as best we can.

This was a choice she made--but yet, I get grief anytime we do anything other than come to Key West.

As for her lifestyle choices, they are hers to make--however on occasion it is sad when your mother opts to dress Rated R (b/c she can't squeeze into what she is squeezing into). She's a "biker babe!" Her attire at my brother's commitment ceremony was . I had to help pin her in it, b/c her pinning job was atrocious and she was at risk at making it a topless church--no exaggeration!

Other than that, we have no issues except the ones she creates in her head!

She's rather insecure--but I don't feel it is my job to placate her with constant positive feedback to reassure her constantly.


I don't know what I am doing wrong here. The e-mail was an accident (seeing as I didn't know she no longer has it!) and other than that, these are just fabrications in her head. But her contact with me over the past 6 months has just been one message after another of her violating my boundaries. (got a call on a disney trip and reemed b/c we had opted to not go to my brother's shower. We don't really do "bridal showers'--I didn't have one myself--they've been together for several years and were living in their THIRD house--but I get a call at 10pm and get reemed on Main Street b/c my priorities were out of whack.)

It doesn't help that there is a gossip circle where I have a sibling or two who might be a little passive as to add fuel to the fire in the way they speak with her. (the gossip circle is responsible for point blank lies being passed along!)

She has a history of depression and she has post traumatic stress disorder. With the latter, she only medicates which does not help her. She is also disabled.

I will add that in my treatment for PSTD--I had a breakthrough this past spring and that is when I noticed a significant relational difference with my mother. Part of it was that I thought she was okay with helping me to get to the breakthrough (to help fill in missing pieces of data that she would be more aware of than I). Then one day out of the blue, she didn't want to hear about it any more. She didn't want to hear a single negative thing from me ever again.

 

[NMAmy]

Okay, I did read your whole post but am I understanding this correctly? You announced your pregnancy to your mom via a group email?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow you and your Mom have a lot going on It all sounds terribly stresful.

From what you posted it sounds like your Mom is controlling and manipulative much of the time. As far as visiting, I have to say if she moved away you can only do so much (we were the movers in our family--because of DHs career--and we still almost never go where our families live to visit; it is very expensive). Perhaps suggest that since she does not have little ones to drag with her she should visit you. Other than that, I would refuse to argue about it or defend myself. If she wants to complain about you visiting others just ignore it and change the subject. If she sends a nasty email about it, delete the email, if she calls you on vacation let it go to voice mail--she'll leave a message if it is an emergency, etc.

All of that said--I have to tell you that I am shocked that anyone who is on speaking terms with their mother at all would email her news about a new baby (unless one party were in a war zone or some such and email was truly the only option--and the nit would be a PERSONAL email). I would expect someone to CALL her mother with the news before posting it on any public forum (like Facebook). So, I think at least there she may have a point.

I hope it all works itself out soon. You certainly do not need the extra stress while you are pregnant. Good luck

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd throw the guilt back at her "We try and split our time and energy among many things, including work so we can support our children. I am sorry if our efforts aren't enough for you".

Don't engage in a 1 by 1 examination of her litany of complaints. There is no arguing or discussing with a manipulative person....you need to merely decide what you are going to say, say it, and then say it 5 million more times. Eventually they get the idea that they are not going to get a "rise" out of you nor is your decision going to change. The key is to do it with no emotion.

I have a SIL who is crazy, gets off on these toots...every once in a while we'll get a "why don't you come visit me???" whining e-mail...my response- "We don't come to visit because you chose to live 1500 miles away in a state I am not remotely interested in spending any time in" I DON'T add "and because you are a pain in the neck, manipulative nut" because I am trying to be nice! Her other favorite is "no one supports my kids activities" e-mail. My response to that- "I guess you must forget that every time I get an e-mail about your kids selling something I send money and tell them to pick out something they want for themselves and keep it. Perhaps you should have your memory issue chiecked". The goal is to stop the stupid conversation and not get aggravated.

Believe me, don't engage.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Okay, I did read your whole post but am I understanding this correctly? You announced your pregnancy to your mom via a group email?

This is our 4th child and yes, the e-mail was sent to our whole family (parents and siblings--not the rest of the world). I do not see the issue with this. We opted to not do phone calls and really never did with any of our others that i can recall except maybe the first.

She's upset that she first read it on facebook--but she never told me that she cancelled her e-mail accounts.

The issue is that she was not "included' in the original announcement. (when she was)

 

[Jennasis]

I am having an hard time following all of this, BUT did you REALLY tell your mom you were pregnant via Facebook?

Wow. No wonder your mom is mad at you...and with good reason. How thoughtless. A group e-mail? An "announcement" on Facebook. Totally rude and tacky.


That is all.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

OK, I read the whole thing and some of it is confusing. But...you were telling your mother in a mass email that you're pregnant? I get all the other drama with her...trust me, I've got a sister who's emotionally unstable and a drama queen, and caller ID is one of the greatest technological inventions in my life right now and avoid phone calls with her like the plague...but wouldn't you CALL your own mother with that news?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

All of that said--I have to tell you that I am shocked that anyone who is on speaking terms with their mother at all would email her news about a new baby (unless one party were in a war zone or some such and email was truly the only option). I would expect someone to CALL her mother with the news before posting it on any public forum (like Facebook). So, I think at least there she may have a point.

I appreciate your comment. However, we have done nothing different than in the past (except the first). I'm not touchy feely to call relatives with personal news and if she had an issue with not getting a phone call, she would have chewed me up and spit me out on that.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

OK, I read the whole thing and some of it is confusing. But...you were telling your mother in a mass email that you're pregnant? I get all the other drama with her...trust me, I've got a sister who's emotionally unstable and a drama queen, and caller ID is one of the greatest technological inventions in my life right now and avoid phone calls with her like the plague...but wouldn't you CALL your own mother with that news?

I haven't since 2000 when pregnant with my first.

Perhaps it is heartless, but if she had an issue with not getting a phone call, she would have mentioned it on #2, #3 and certainly in this message for #4.

 

[agnes!]

I think you need to get off Facebook. I'm kind of kidding...but kind of not. People post all the time on the DIS about the troubles it causes in their lives - Facebook seems to bring out the utmost in childishness in some folks. Sometimes FBers immediately hit "send" before they have a chance to actually *think*.

I am having trouble trying to figure out why your mother is so ticked-off. Is it because you didn't tell her personally (either with a phone-call or whatever) first? It's kind of odd to me that your mother has a computer or at least access to Facebook but doesn't seem to have an e-mail address.

And here's a - sounds like you need it,
agnes!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am having an hard time following all of this, BUT did you REALLY tell your mom you were pregnant via Facebook?

Wow. No wonder your mom is mad at you...and with good reason. How thoughtless. A group e-mail? An "announcement" on Facebook. Totally rude and tacky.


That is all.

I did it with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies to PARENTS AND SIBLINGS.

I didn't send her a " to everyone in the world announcement" on facebook. I had no idea her e-mail bounced until this morning.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This is our 4th child and yes, the e-mail was sent to our whole family (parents and siblings--not the rest of the world). I do not see the issue with this. We opted to not do phone calls and really never did with any of our others that i can recall except maybe the first.

She's upset that she first read it on facebook--but she never told me that she cancelled her e-mail accounts.

The issue is that she was not "included' in the original announcement. (when she was)

That is such a different dynamic than my or my husband's family (both of which are very different from one another) that I hardly feel qualified to comment now (but it is the DIS so I will).
If you DID call your mother the first time (looks like you are not sure) she may have already had her feelings hurt when you did not call her for child #2 and child #3. I know that I am was just as excited for my second child as for my first. I celebrated both children equally and value both equally (as does the entire family). If it was important enough to call about my first it sure as heck was important enough to call about my second. Maybe your mom thinks you were intentionally leaving her out when you only emailed for your second two children (because she knows you love them just as much). So she went off the deep end when you didn't make sure she had even an email before announcing this fourth prenancy to the world (maybe it would have been good to wait for a response from her). Perhaps to her it feels like you are intentionally avoiding her more and more.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think you need to get off Facebook. I'm kind of kidding...but kind of not. People post all the time on the DIS about the troubles it causes in their lives - Facebook seems to bring out the utmost in childishness in some folks. Sometimes FBers immediately hit "send" before they have a chance to actually *think*.

I am having trouble trying to figure out why your mother is so ticked-off. Is it because you didn't tell her personally (either with a phone-call or whatever) first? It's kind of odd to me that your mother has a computer or at least access to Facebook but doesn't seem to have an e-mail address.

And here's a - sounds like you need it,
agnes!

No doubt. She saw my facebook message I posted 12 hours later to let my friends know. (I've been sick for 2 weeks and people do begin to worry.)

I do not know why her e-mails don't work anymore. I resent the message to an alternate e-mail and it didn't work either this morning.

I know everyone is reeming me for an e-mail announcement, but this is our 4th child and the rest of my parents as my husbands parents don't seem to be offended to not receive a personal phone call.

 

[NMAmy]

I haven't since 2000 when pregnant with my first.

Perhaps it is heartless, but if she had an issue with not getting a phone call, she would have mentioned it on #2, #3 and certainly in this message for #4.

It's obvious from that excerpt that she is hurt by the lack of communication. I would be royally ticked if my dd didn't tell me news like that personally. Obviously, your family is different but your mom came right out and said she's hurt and, frankly, I don't blame her.

 

[Jennasis]

I did it with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies to PARENTS AND SIBLINGS.

I didn't send her a " to everyone in the world announcement" on facebook. I had no idea her e-mail bounced until this morning.

Maybe she really wasn't ok with the e-mail route all those times and it finally came to a head when she saw the FB announcement.

I gather you aren't touchy feely, or even communicaty with your mom since you apparently don't even e-mail her often enough to know she changed her address.

I still maintain that e-mail an dFB are rude tacky and thoughtless ways to announce a birth to immediate family. My guess is that they all kept their mouth shut because it wasn't worth the fight.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I haven't since 2000 when pregnant with my first.

Perhaps it is heartless, but if she had an issue with not getting a phone call, she would have mentioned it on #2, #3 and certainly in this message for #4.

It was probably simmering since number 2 and now when she did not get an email either she lost it.
Can I ask, why did you call for the first but not the latter (sorry you posted while I was posting before so I did not see that you DO think you called for the first or I would have asked sooner).

 

[KAMKIM]

First of all congrats on the new baby

Relationships with mothers can be so complicated, especially for women I think. I know mine is.

I think it's unreasonable for your mom expect you to visit more with a 7 hour drive (and obviously children) Tell her she is welcome to visit any time she'd like, the drive for her would obviously be easier than it would for you lugging young kids and everything that goes with them.

 

[KAMKIM]

Also I want to point out I would probably be hurt if my daughter told me via email or facebook that she was pregnant. But I personally have seen a lot of my friends/family do this on facebook (I dont know whether or not it was to their parents or just the rest of us) and I dont really see a difference between this or a mailed announcement and I agree, calling EVERYONE would be a bit much.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It was probably simmering since number 2 and now when she did not get an email either she lost it.
Can I ask, why did you call for the first but not the latter (sorry you posted while I was posting before so I did not see that you DO think you called for the first or I would have asked sooner).

I have had two miscarriages. We simply don't call people anymore. We keep it low key. We don't wish to rejoice until we are confident that things are okay.

She was also present at the birth of my first (as were myinlaws and my sister) and she hasn't for the 2nd or 3rd and won't be on the 4th. One could argue she is offended by that. If she is, I don't know. She also baked the birthday cake for my first. There are lots of things she did---and that other family did, that just don't occur with the subsequent babies.

My children are very important to me--I can see that folks feel it deserves individiual phone calls. I'm just too sick to want to do that as I was the last time.

If that makes me a heartless whench--then Karma is paying me back a hundred fold.

 

[TupperMom7]

On the issue of how your pregnancy(ies) are announced, I do think that if you cannot tell your immediate family in person because they do not live nearby, then you should at least call them on the phone. To me, getting an email from my daughter to tell me that she is pregnant would be totally impersonal and I would be upset that she didn't call me.

As far as her laying a guilt trip on you for going other places besides visiting her, well the road goes two ways. Why can't she come to see you all? If there is not room for her to stay with you, she could stay in a nearby motel.
It's not totally up to you to do the visiting. Much easier for her then for you to drag your entire family 7 hours away.

Has she always dressed like a biker babe? If so, then it's no surprise to you. If this is something new and she is happy with the change, then I say roll with it. As your life is yours to lead, she has to make choices for herself that feel right to her.