Offensive emails from family members?

[RNMOM]

What do you do if your BIL keeps sending politically offensive emails to you and your husband? DH has asked him to stop this but it is escallating.

The worst thing is we are supposed to be guests of theirs in October when we go to Houston for his daughters' wedding. This is really making me not want to go. I think I might have a hard time keeping my mouth shut if he starts up.

I, for one, am glad the DIS banned political and religious posts, they create a lot of hard feelings no matter which side of the fence you are on. Why do people do this to one another? It could be any number of other topics he could be emailing like women bashing or fat jokes and I would be equally offended but it just seems so unnecessary.

I don't feel I can even block his emails because of the wedding planning issues.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Of course you can. You know where, when and what time the wedding is, yes?

Then that is all you need to know. Block his emails or tell him one last time that you don't want to receive those emails. If he fails to respect your wishes, block him.

I'm sure there is someone else with whom you can discuss wedding plans.

If you don't attend the wedding who will be hurt by that decision.

If you do attend, there is nothing that requires you stay in his home. Get a hotel, and keep your distance that way.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Just don't open any more emails from him at all. If you don't respond to somehting "real" that is BiL's problem as you have already asked him not to send politcal emails and he has ignored your wishes. . If he asks why you missed responding just politely tell him you did not see it--must have gotten lost amongt all the political stuff. Sorry. Refuse to make an issue of it--he is trying to get your attention and you do not have to give it.

You will be guests at your nieces wedding. Not the hosts. That does not sound to me like anything you should be (or have to be) part of the planning process for. So long as you know where to go and what time for (at most) rehearsal dinner, ceremony and reception you need no more infomation. Maybe let your niece or SiL know you are not checking any emails anymore so to call you if there is some major change in plans if you are really worried about missing something.

 

[bicker]

What do you do if your BIL keeps sending politically offensive emails to you and your husband?

As others have suggested, you can indeed block his emails, and if the emails upset you so, and he refuses to stop, I think that is the best course of action.

The worst thing is we are supposed to be guests of theirs in October when we go to Houston for his daughters' wedding. This is really making me not want to go.

Don't punish your niece because of your dispute with you bil.

I think I might have a hard time keeping my mouth shut if he starts up.

What's a wedding without a little drama?

I, for one, am glad the DIS banned political and religious posts, they create a lot of hard feelings no matter which side of the fence you are on.

To be fair, the hard feelings, per se, are generally there, regardless. The discussions just bring those feelings out into the open.

Why do people do this to one another? It could be any number of other topics he could be emailing like women bashing or fat jokes and I would be equally offended but it just seems so unnecessary.

I would suggest that politics and religion, specifically, aren't in the same category as crude and vulgar jokes. With politics and religion, there can be a strong foundation for belief (not that everyone would agree -- just that it is reasonable for someone to believe) that promulgating the perspective will foster some positive effect, either spreading a favored perspective or suppressing/undercutting an unfavored one. With crude and vulgar jokes, I doubt any reasonable person thinks that promulgating them serves some social good.

Best of luck with your difficulties with your bil.

 

[RNMOM]

You've all come up with many good ideas and thoughts. This is my DH's older brother and I know how much his interractions mean to him even though it offends him too. He has responded back rather vigorously and I think it adds fuel to the fire.

We are supposed to stay at BIL's company's apartment. This fellow is pres and CEO of the company and it is something that would make big family problems if we don't stay there. There are other family members staying at their home. (6 bedrooms). They gave us the apartment as our sons are also coming in and we would have more room and privacy. The wedding party from out of state are staying at the house. We are expected to participate in all the events, even the rehersal dinner, which I feel is just not necessary. I guess I honestly have a lot of stress building over this event as I will need to have a lot of new clothes and on top of the wedding expenses it is a bit much. He is a true type A and very successful. He is also very generous and ethusiastic about having the family together. I do want to have a good time and make my neice's day wonderful.

I think I will just email him myself and tell him it is hurtful that we have asked him not to forward this stuff and he still does. Some of this stuff is down right nasty and offensive. If it continues I will just not open the emails. DH can do as he pleases.

Thanks for all the good advice.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I have been on the receiving end of these "hilarious" political jokes from people who are not of my party, so I know what you're talking about. It's not polite political discourse or a simple difference of opinion. Some of those emailed "jokes" can be pretty dang offensive. Right up there with fat jokes and woman bashing.

People I know who do this to me get one warning. Then if they send another one (and I don't care how "mild" they think it is) they're blocked. End of story. I don't need that crap in my life or in my email box first thing in the morning.

I agree with others on this thread. Block the emails, book a hotel room, and stay away from the BIL this October. Why would you even want to stay at his home if he feels the way you're describing? It sounds like it would be a noxious visit to me. You'll be happier at the hotel and it gives you a reason to cut your visit short.

 

[Carly_Roach]

We posted at the same time. Now that I see the actual circumstance I think you're taking the right tack: stay out of it and refuse to engage. Sometimes there are people who waste your time and energy talking about some topics because they will never see any other POV except their own. I'm glad you're letting your DH handle it.

Look at it this way - only three more months and you won't have to deal with this anymore!

 

[Veronica Lodge]

My aunt used to send me those Christian chain letter - "forward this to 100 people or you are renouncing your faith, you rotten sinner" type garbage. I sent her an email telling her I loved hearing about what she was up to, how the family was, etc, but I politely asked her to not send me chain emails b/c I didn't really have time to go thru them all. She got her panties in such a bunch she stopped sending me any kind of messages at all. No contact for about 5 or 6 years. Finally, after DH and I went to visit her & her family for a long weekend, she is sending me actual messages she wrote herself.

 

[PollyannaMom]

......I don't feel I can even block his emails because of the wedding planning issues.

Don't actually block him, then - just don't open anything that starts with "FW:" or "RE:"! I'm not sure about your e-mail reader, but I can also set mine to sort into folders based on who the e-mails are from, so maybe you could do that, and only even SEE his e-mails when you specifically look for them. That way, you could check for wedding updates when you want to, but you wouldn't have his e-mails interrupting you every time you're reading things from others.

I'd try not to worry too much about issues starting when you're visiting, though. - Everything should be revolving around your niece and her husband-to-be, so there shouldn't be too much time for anything else, and there should be lots of opportunities for you to "help" in another room, so you can avoid just chatting with him.

Best of luck!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If your husband is engaged in a political war of words (emails) with his brother, this is the sort of thing that both sides should expect. In order for this to stop, your husband has to stop playing along. In other words, this is his battle - not yours. When he really wants the emails to stop, he can get them to stop.

IMO, only mature people should discuss politics. Immature people are too easily upset when someone else disagrees with and/or pokes fun at their ideals or "heros"...

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, block the emails....
Sure you can!

If your husband doesn't want to do that, then simply do NOT open ANY email from your BIL yourself.
Create your own personal 'ignore' feature.

It is your husband's issue/business.... Let him deal with it.

PS: An important lesson.... Remember, you can not change or control anyone else's actions or attitudes... Only YOUR reaction to them.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Ok, so this is a bit immature, but it was used as a last resort last year.

I had the exact same problem with my BIL. We are as far apart on the political spectrum as two people can be. Where one of us is as far left as you can possibly be, the other is as far right.

He was on a mission to convert me, so sent me political e-mail after e-mail. I asked him not to. Asked DH to tell him to stop. Nope, he was on a crusade. I tried for a long, long time to just ignore them, not open them, send them to my spam filter, etc. But that just fueled him more as he would double and then triple his efforts. I couldn't them fast enough. It got to the point where I was losing important e-mails because my mailbox would fill up with his garbage. I just don't have the time to police my mailbox constantly.

So...as a last resort, for every e-mail he sent me, he received an equally pro-myside (and very offensive to him) one back. Luckily I had friends that had a stash of uber-my-side e-mails that were willing to share with me.

A few days of getting his blood boiling reading my e-mails and voila - his just stopped.

It was a true case of can dish it out but can't take it.

I don't recommend stooping to someone's level, but in this case it was a last resort and it worked like a charm.

 

[SC Minnie]

Just delete without reading any email that has a subject like other than about the wedding. Simple. Don't open them and don't read them.

 

[happywanderer2]

I guess I just don't get this. No one is forcing you to read the entire email are they? If, when you start reading the email and it appears to be another political thing--just stop reading and delete it. End of story.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would solve the problem by not opening the emails. If BIL asks if you got the message tell him you have no idea. I have family who forward that nonsense to me and I know by now that they honestly do not see that those email "funnies" are offensive. What I do not see does not bother me. I just delete them all.

I think that it is important to recognize that you cannot pick your family and know that if you make this an issue it will be. If your DH continues the war of words it won't stop but if your BIL discovers that he cannot have this conversation he will give up. He cannot have a discussion by himself.

My DH and I have a friend whose political viewpoint way different than ours. I mean he is rabid about it. Now I can hold my own in a discussion and do not take opposing viewpoints personally but my DH gets very uncomfortable so I have just ignored all of his "opening barbs". I know that he is frustrated and he has tried all different ways to open the door, the window, crawl under the fence and sneak down the chimney of that discussion but I simply answer an entirely different question. One that has not a thing to do with his comment. My DH is pretty amused becasue he knows that i have made a game of this and that his buddy is wicked confused. "Did Buddy really marry a ditz?" " Can she really not follow a conversation?" "Or is she being snarky and I cannot figure it out?"

 

[ericamanda01]

OP I know just how you feel. My father sends me some of the most hateful and nasty political emails. To avoid a fight I just delete them. It's not worth the animosity, that politics can create, to even bring it up.

 

[Disney Doll]

See bolded

You've all come up with many good ideas and thoughts. This is my DH's older brother and I know how much his interractions mean to him even though it offends him too. He has responded back rather vigorously and I think it adds fuel to the fire. Yes it does.

We are supposed to stay at BIL's company's apartment. This fellow is pres and CEO of the company and it is something that would make big family problems if we don't stay there. There are other family members staying at their home. (6 bedrooms). They gave us the apartment as our sons are also coming in and we would have more room and privacy. So that is essentially the same as staying at a hotel, because you will have your own "space" away from the offensive BIL. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the family relationship by not accepting the use of that apartment. The wedding party from out of state are staying at the house. We are expected to participate in all the events, even the rehersal dinner, which I feel is just not necessary. Correct etiquette states that anyone from out of town gets invited to the reharsal dinner. So why you may think it is not necessary, they are being "etiquette-ly" (is that a word???) correct. I guess I honestly have a lot of stress building over this event as I will need to have a lot of new clothes and on top of the wedding expenses it is a bit much. He is a true type A and very successful. He is also very generous and ethusiastic about having the family together. I do want to have a good time and make my neice's day wonderful. Then don't get into it with her father.
I think I will just email him myself and tell him it is hurtful that we have asked him not to forward this stuff and he still does. Some of this stuff is down right nasty and offensive. If it continues I will just not open the emails. DH can do as he pleases. I'd ignore them completely. No response at all. Consider the source, remember & accept that you & he are politically opposite and he has a right to his views and you have a right to ignore his views.
Thanks for all the good advice.

Having a crazy SIL as I do, I can give some pretty good advice on how to handle annoying relatives. You are not going to change him. He is a Type A personality, so he thrives on stress, tension, drama. Type A's get their "high" from that sort of thing. So, you need to develop an attitude of "bemusement" when you deal with him and his differing (from yours) political views. E-mails...glance at them. If they are not wedding-related, smile and think to yourself "Oh, there's that wacky BIL and his crazy ideas aagin" and move on. Conversations...don't get into political discussions with him. If he tries to egg you on, say, with a bit of a sweet, yet condescending, smile "Oh BIL, in the interest of family harmony, you and I aren't going to discuss politics". If he presses, repeat. If he presses, repeat. If he presses, repeat. It also helps if you have another topic that you can bring up to change the subject. Something like "Oh BIL, in the interest of family harmony, you & I aren' going to discuss politics. What a beautiful spot this is for the wedding. How did you guys hear about it?" or "the food is delicious. Who chose the menu?" or "Your daughter looks so beautiful and is such a lovely young woman. You must be so proud" or any one of the myriad number of things one can discuss at a wedding.. .after all, he can't be the only kooky relative you have!

Now I realize that this is easy to say and hard to do. But he is trying to get your goat. If you react, he's won. If you treat him with a sort of resigned amusement with regard to his political beliefs, you'll aggravate him even more, but he'll have no recourse without making himself look bad. He can't "fight" with someone who won't fight.

It took me a long time to figure this out with regard to dealing with my crazy SIL. Trust me, it works.

May I also respectfully point out that it sounds like you may feel a little "less" than him based on your comments about needing lots of new clothes, him being Type A and "very successful" and so forth...perhaps this wedding is a bit more "society" than you are used to, which is causing anxiety???? Just some food for thought....

 

[Took]

I had to confront my sister over something similar. The emails continued for some time. I tried responding and ignoring. Finally, I told her point blank that I would not open any emails from her in the future if she continued to send me things that she KNEW would be offensive to me (note, I said "knew" since she was aware of my views on various issues and since nothing would be gained from further debate). She stopped. Of course, this approach only works with certain people, those who really WANT to email you about other things, too. Don't know if that's case with OP's BIL.

took

 

[sbell111]

IMO, only mature people should discuss politics. Immature people are too easily upset when someone else disagrees with and/or pokes fun at their ideals or "heros"...

Of course, mature people would never poke fun at the ideals of others.

 

[agnes!]

You've all come up with many good ideas and thoughts. This is my DH's older brother and I know how much his interractions mean to him even though it offends him too. He has responded back rather vigorously and I think it adds fuel to the fire.

... I do want to have a good time and make my neice's day wonderful.

I think I will just email him myself and tell him it is hurtful that we have asked him not to forward this stuff and he still does. Some of this stuff is down right nasty and offensive. If it continues I will just not open the emails. DH can do as he pleases.

Thanks for all the good advice.

No no NO! Eeeeeeeeek, do NOT e-mail him back. Do you think an email will stop him? Do you think an e-mail will make him change his ways? Sending him an e-mail asking or telling him to stop his nonsense will just add fuel to the man's fire. Take Disney Doll's advice and rinse/later/repeat every. single. stinkin'. time BIL tries to be obnoxious with you. Enjoy the day, two people are getting married and starting a life together. I'm with the posters who say to quietly contact other family-members and ask them to contact you if anything changes about the wedding plans. Just dump ALL RE: and FW: emails from BIL into the e-Trash and do not read beyond the Subject Line.

agnes!