Off topic... Trouble in school.. Please help

[robin09]

Hi Guys,

I always turn here when in trouble. There is such a wealth of knowledge here.

DD is 9 and in 3rd grade. She goes to a class that has just 8 kids in it, all with some kind of problems. DD has aspergers, ocd, sensory problems and adhd, just to name a few. She is on medication to help her focus and maintain in class. The past couple of months she has been mainstreamed in math with a typical class. This is where our problem begins.

Jenn is a "little " different in mannerisms, and has been told that she is weird. I keep putting it off and telling her that everyone is a little weird in something. She is now having to have lunch with her 3rd grade math class and is being made fun of because she believes in Santa . They are chanting... "Santa's not real, Santa's not real. " I know this sounds like such a small problem, and in truth it is.. BUt here it is major. She no longer wants to go to school and today refused to go on the bus. She goes on the bus to help her transition from me to the school.. otherwwise I can't leave the school for a good 45 minutes.

I had to take her to school today, sit with her for breakfast and then go up to her teacher and explain what is going on. She had a really bad day yesterday, several meltdowns, which had been controlled till now.

I'm at a loss what to do.. It breaks my heart making her do something (go to school) that she so doesn't want to do. I hate tears. Up until the last few months, jenn never realized when kids were mean to her, she lives in a happy bubble. NOw the meanness is so obvious.. what do I do?

When I spoke to her teacher, he told me he'd take care of it and speak to her other "mainstream" teacher. He also said, Jenn can eat lunch with him in the classroom for now, and not go to 3rd grade math..... It's a solution for now, but not forever. Why can't kids be taught to be nice? Why is it ok to find a weak link and torment? Is it fun to watch a classmate meltdown? Ugh...Sorry for the vent, but I'm miserable right now and don't know what to do.....

Thanks for letting me air my anger

 

[disneydeb]

sounds like the teachers need to educate the rest of the class, on how everyone is different and how words can hurt someone, and how its not ok to make fun of someone for what they believe in , what i use to tell my daughter when she was little , i was an xray tech at the time, and people of different colors and cultures were big around where lived, was, when mommy takes pictures of every one , guess what? they all look the same on the inside, what you did going to the teachers was a good start, if that doesnt work i would go higher, principal, pto, superintendent of schools, my guess is by that time something would be done. let us know how she makes out,

 

[ktrain]

I don't know if this is of any help, but at my son's elementary school they have a program called The Lunch Bunch. They choose a few "socially adept"(I'm not sure if that's the right term) mainstreem kids and they have lunch a couple of times a month with the special needs kids at their table. This also usually includes doing a quick craft or having a special treat. My fifth grader participates in this and we made a big deal about him being selected to be in The Lunch Bunch and help special kids. He's proud that he's helping out and he enjoys his Lunch Bunch friends. I think this program teaches kids to see others as equals who are just a little different. It is really a great program. Sorry to hear what's going on with your little girl. Children need to be educated on how to treat others both at home and in school.

 

[SueM in MN]

I've heard of the Lunch Bunch; that is a good program.
There are a number of things similar to that. Here's a good one with games and other things. The 'parent' website of that page, www.pacer.org has a lot of good information.
Exceptional Parent Magazine has a good website and they also have a bookstore with a lot of books that might be helpful in explaining differences to kids.

This is OT for this part of the disABILITIES, but it is right on topic for the disABILITIES Community Board, so I am going to move it there.

 

[robin09]

Hi guys! thanks for the info.. there is no lunch buddy program by me. We live in a really small town, which is what is upsetting me. Everyone knows Jenna, that's the reason we came here.. for the small community.

But a good update.... Jenn did go to school today, and her teacher spoke to her Mainstream teacher... from what I understand her Mainstream teacher did speak to the kids that were teasing jenn. Jenn did go to Math today, even after she refused, and her desk was moved to sit with girls. It was a better day . I just don't understand where kids learn the meanness. Jenn told me today.. that Kat is her friend out of school, but not in and she understands. Why should that be? I don't think I can be that understanding. But thanks for all the info, I appreciate it!

Robin

 

[mechurchlady]

I was very active in an online game site but things went sour when the under 15 year olds made a forum and website attacking one of the moderators. I see kids putting hate speech, prejudice, and some really evil stuff on their profiles. I too wonder how a few kids can hate so much or hurt others with no remorse.

I am glad things are better and hope the kids learned to be nice.

Robin you are hugged.

Chin up
hugs
Laurie

 

[WildGrits]

Sorry to hear that your DD was not welcomed to the math class with open arms. From someone who moved from NC to NY I can tell you that the school systems hear lack.

Why are kids mean?

It's called pack behavior. Teachers need to set an example by being the Alpha Dog and not allowing such behavior in the class.

It would have been very simple to stop this before it ever happened. When students are being mainstreamed for a class or two, it give classmates a real sense of conhesiveness when they feel they are all helping someone to be their very best. This could have been started by telling the class a day or two before she entered, that they are expecting someone to join their class. Notice the word JOIN? Meaning she is one of us. Someone who doesn't process or filter information like many other people do. Someone who has worked very hard to get to a mainstreamed class and as a teacher, the A Dog, it is my expectation of the whole class that they make her feel welcomed and treat her as you would want to be treated.

Someone will always test the waters. And a perfect way to nip it in the bud is to call that person on what they just said as well as asking them what excatly their intent in saying such a thing was, in front of the whole class. Your never to young to recognized ugly when it come out of your mouth.

As for what I have told my DDers growing up, cause we have all been called weird before, many people young and old alike only feel important when they can put someone else down. Unfortunately that is true. Some people are just plain JERKS.

 

[jobojarr]

Children can be cruel. I taught almost 25 years and every year I saw each class zero in on one student to bear the brunt of teasing and being made fun of. I'd say that 95% of the time, the chosen student had something that was "different" or "a little off" about them. Sometimes it was hardly discernable more often then not "it" was readily apparent, even to the teaching staff,

The majority of the time the kids are picking on someone who is "different" by society's standard, someone whose behavior doesn't coincide with what is concidered "acceptable" by their peers. Unrealized fear of the unknown may be behind some of it .

I believe that knowledge is important. Children can empathize with each other once they understand what is going on. Several times over the years (with the parent's permission) I would take a day when the child who was picked on was absent to ask my class about the behaviors I had observed. The students were always open about them (behaviors) and through dialogue I was able to explain what the situation was and help them see the picked on one as a person with feelings just like theirs who, because of no fault of their own, needed extra help and patient understanding.

Another time I had them research the problem (aspbergers, ADHD etc) so they would have an understanding of the condition.

And lastly, one parent came to school with a nurse and they gave a small presentation and then fielded questions from the students.

Every time there was an intervention that imparted knowledge it seemed to help the child who was treated so cruely. A lot of the kids would try to be more understanding toward the child with the problem and sometimes a few of them would actually begin to watch out for the child and come to their aid to help protect him/her. They might also invite the child to join them in a class activity, to be part of their group .

Just remember. That which in not known is feared. A little knowledge can go a long way . Good luck! JJ

 

[mommyceratops]

Sending warm thoughts your way.

My DS7 has been having trouble at school being called wierd. It just breaks your heart that kids are so mean.

 

[hematite153]

Another time I had them research the problem (aspbergers, ADHD etc) so they would have an understanding of the condition.

And lastly, one parent came to school with a nurse and they gave a small presentation and then fielded questions from the students.

An adaptation on this...

I had a high school student, with Aspergers, who gave an annual report to his teachers on his strengths and needs.

He began doing this around grade 3 or 4 (with a lot of help from his mother initially). He found that by explaining things himself he not only helped his peers to understand but also helped himself identify what he really needed from his peers and teachers.

I don't know if Jenn is ready for something like this yet, but, if she is, it might help her feel more in control of the situation.

Good luck!

 

[Schmeck]

robin09, if this problem isn't resolved by the steps that you have already taken, go to the principal immediately, and make sure you label the students' behavior as bullying - and find out your school district's policy on bullying.

Also to note - this type of behavior seems to get worse in middle school/junior high, but gets better in high school. I've worked with special needs students for 7 years, and I have to say I love my school district, and the students we work with. It's a very accepting community, and we have some great programs. If you need some ideas, feel free to PM me.

 

[JoyMouse]

I am so sorry that your daughter is having trouble at school. I'm sure that it makes both of you feel bad. I am a third grade teacher and the mother of a child with special needs. My Becky is in an inclusion program and she tends to stand out among her peers. A few times she has become a target, what has worked for us in the past is to invite the bullies and some good solid friends to come over for a spend the night or a pool party. Anything that can showcase some of Becky's strengths. This way the bullies can see that she is really more like them than she is different from them. Also... as a teacher, if the problems don't stop at school, let the teacher know (again) and if that doesn't help, go up the ladder until it is stopped. A child should not be afraid to go to school, that should be a safe haven for her. Good luck!

 

[stenickar]

My 11yo son has gone to the same school since Kindergarten. I started that year going in at the beginning of the year and talking to his class. We have continued to do this each year. I told them about autism(in terms they understood), told them about things that Nicholas liked and didn't like. I also tried to explain why he did some of the behaviors that he did. We have never had a problem with kids picking on him. As a matter of fact I was brought to tears at his first PET this year. We were discussing lunch time and how it was going. Nicholas eats in his room and students from his grade eat with him. Now, I knew that kids were eating with him, but thought that they were only kids from his class. Come to find out there were 50 of the 6th graders that had signed up to eat lunch with Nicholas. This is nearly 3/4 of the 6th graders at his school. Students that had never been in class with Nicholas wanted to eat lunch with him because they had heard how "cool" it was to eat with Nicholas.
Is this reverse "inclusion" lunch a possibility for your dd? Could students come to her classroom to eat lunch with her?

 

[BCBug]

We have a similar situation as the OP: DS10, mainstreamed for math (typical ASD strength), but then pulled out (contrary to his IEP) because the other children's parents were complaining about having DS in with their kids. The parents felt DS' presence was too disruptive to their children's education. Note that this involved multiple sets of parents, complaining about my child. Felt a little ganged up on! Still working on this one, got an advocate, we are pushing for a diversity training program for the students, but the school is fighting us, says they don't need additional training on inclusiveness. Hmmm, all evidence points to the contrary. Wish I could educate the parents. So, to the OP, you are not fighting this battle alone. We will prevail! Humans are basically good, right?

 

[SilverMickey]

I feel very fortunate for my son... now a 5th grader that he has several main stream peers that look out for him. I am blessed. I think it has to do with The guidance office at my childs school. They work closely with the kids to be inclusive. The library has seveal books on disabilites and how to be friends and about siblings of autistic kids. Some of the reading material assigned in the classes over the career of my childs education has been autism/disability related. Read as a class and then discussed as a class.

The kids that my child has grown up with in school got to see a child that was non verbal grow to a some what social misfit that is now vocal. The kids are so proud and we make them feel as they are partially resonsible for his success. He helped his class of 21 pass their sign language test.

Lots of schools should take a note from my sons school!

I wish you luck and I wish I had some sort of help to offer. My son's school did invite me in on several occasions to talk about Autism to the kids and that kids with disabilities have just as many feeling as the next guy. Good luck!