Obligatory Gifts

[Merandab4]

Now that most of my friend's have children (and I do not), should I still feel obligated to buy them all Christmas gifts?

 

[Chicago526]

It makes me feel glad that none of my friends have kids yet!

Seriously, no help here, but have a hug. No obligation to give one in return!

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

I don't buy my friends kids gifts unless I am inivted to their bday party. I buy my friend a gift because I am their friend. When I have kids I would inivte them to the bday party because I want them there, don't care about the gifts.

If you want to buy for your friend go for it. If you don't want to buy for her kids then don't. To her comment about expecting you to buy for her kids because she's buying for your kids tell her that she should just spend the money she would have spend on your kids gift on her kids because you cannot afford to buy for her kids.

 

[missypie]

I SURE wouldn't buy gifts for her kids after that conversation. I think it's odd that she would want gifts for her kids...my own kids have so much stuff that I would NEVER ask a friend to buy things for them!!!

If you DO think of her kids, you might want to bring over a new family game once a year or so when you visit (not at Christmas), or throw a couple of McDonalds gift certificates into a Valentine or Halloween card. Or, if you live fairly near by, ask them to make a special trip to your house in their halloween costumes and give them goody bags you've prepared just for them. Or bring them a fun (little) gift from vacation.

There are lots of little ways you can remember kids - on your own budget - without getting into a whole Christmas gift thing.

 

[Shelby5514]

YIKES! This is a no-win situation, my suggestion to you is this, buy a FAMILY gift and that should cover everyone, Mom, Dad and the Kids. DH and I have done this so many times. We'll buy games, zoo membership, chuck-e-cheese gift card, etc. So far we've had NO complaints.

 

[mrsboz]

Isn't this fun?????? I hate this. Two of my sisters didn't speak for a year because one of them didn't want to buy gifts anymore. One sister got so mad she wouldn't speak to her. I have around twenty people that I have to buy Christmas gifts for. This is utterly ridiculous. I have tried talking with my older sister about not swapping. She refused. Always stating that she already bought my kids their gifts. Her "kids" are 16 - 21. Mine are much younger. My kids get way too much stuff.

I have a friend like yours also. The funny thing is, she insisted on buying gifts and she really couldn't afford it. That is an awful guilt trip that she is putting you on. I would just tell her that you love her and her kids but you're not going to buy for anyone but your immediate family. Is she one of these people that think her kids can do no wrong?????

 

[Merandab4]

Shelby,
I like the thought of a "family" gift, but I have always only bought a gift she could use. She gets enough "Family" things and never really gets anything for herself, like a fun scarf, or girly accesories, ya know what I mean?

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Shelby,
I like the thought of a "family" gift, but I have always only bought a gift she could use. She gets enough "Family" things and never really gets anything for herself, like a fun scarf, or girly accesories, ya know what I mean?

That's what I like to do, too, but in your situation with someone implying that you should buy her kids gifts I think you should go with a family gift and if she asks why she's getting that kind of gift explain to her it's because you can't afford to get them individual gifts and do the same for your other friend.

My friend bought my kids Twister and they loved it. I have 5 kids and I would have felt terrible if she had bought each of them a gift and I didn't even expect her to give them the game. She gave me a card with a nice handwritten note inside that meant the world to me. I gave her family a loaf of homemade banana bread and a loaf of pumpkin bread and she was equally pleased. I think it's terrible that your friend would try to guilt you into buying her kids a gift.

 

[patsal]

I buy for my friend because she is my friend. I buy for children under 5 because I want to and it gives me joy and I need an excuse to see the pre-school toys now that my children are much too old for them ! I do not want my friends to buy for my children as they already have too much. Basically though I give gifts because I want to, I do not buy to get some in return.

If I were you I would stick to my no gifts for children, if you have children be sure to make it clear you do not intend to exchange gifts. After the first two times they are not reciprocated people will get the picture. Even my family had a hard time with this one--I only buy for neices and nephews for Christmas, no BIL's or Sisters (though occasionally there will be a small trinket I can't resist) we all agreed. After the first Christmas one sister still bought, after the second she bought, buy the third she got the picture!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Well, you could just buy the kids lots of candy and that should end the whole thing! She'll be begging you not to buy her kids stuff! LOL. j/k

You don't want to get started buying kids gifts. You are right it will snow ball and you'll be buying everyone and their children's children a gift. I'd probably be inclined to just forgo the gift giving and tell my girlfriends lets make a lunch or dinner date over the holidays and all go out to eat (everyone pay their own). It's the time together that counts. Once you have kids, there is precious little "girl time"!

Anyway, just a thought. Good luck!

 

[makinorlando]

Basically though I give gifts because I want to, I do not buy to get some in return.

I so agree. I have always felt that gift giving should be something that comes from the heart, not because I feel obligated to do so, this is why all year long if I see a little something that makes me think of a friend or family member, I buy it and send it to them then - I don't keep it for a holiday/birthday! I have a couple friends who will send me a small gift, and I guess because it is just DD and I, and most of them do not have children, the will also send something for her as well. I don't do anything different than I had planned to "compensate" for her gift. But she does remember those little surprises, and at times will see something that she want to buy for that person and we do.

With all the posts I've read, and stories I have heard about gift giving gone wrong..... I am glad I come from a small family who do not have great expectations at Christmas time, as we do for each other all year long - from the heart for no special reason but we love them and are thinking of them!

 

[Stacerita]

I generally only get my friend a gift and will usually give her family baked goods or homemade candy. This year "her" gift turned into a gift for her and her fiance. I wanted to make sure from the start that they will be getting a "them" gift. Her birthday is only 2 days before Christmas so it isn't like she wont be gettig a "her" gift though. And her family, which is sorta my extended family, still got baked goods and homemade candy. Its the thought you know. And I dont buy for other peoples children. I buy for my nephews though. But not for my SIL's sisters kid, or anything like that. Sometimes if I am out and I see something that I know would be perfect for them I might pick it up. But I dont give it as a Christmas gift.

 

[canwegosoon]

Get her a book she can read to her children...or get her a paper back, and get kids a little book. Or Give her a subscription to family fum mag. next time. That way you are thinking of her and the kids. I think her words came out funny...I think she was just trying to say..if you want to get something for the kids, great, if not it's ok too.

 

[jennifer293]

I have a wonderful friend who I met when I started working at a bank in 1998. When I had my first daughter she bought christmas for her every year. It was kind of understood that we would not exchange gifts with each other. She has bought gifts for DD up until this year, but I now have 2 dd's and I haven't gave it a second thought until this post.

I understand that money gets tight and she should not feel obligated to buy my children anything. I hate to even invite her to the girls b-day parties because I don't want her to feel like she is only invited for the gift. The reason I invite her is because she lives a town away now and I hardly ever get to see her anymore.

If it were me , if I bought a gift for your friend or her family ever again I would do like a movie basket or something the whole family can use and if she doesn't like it then TOUGH!!!

A real friend would not act like that. Or none of mine would because they wouldn't be my friend anymore!!!

Seems to me that with her it is more of a greed issue than a "your are my friend" issue!!
Just my 2 cents worth!!!

 

[Favorite Auntie]

Most of my friends have children now...I am the only singel one, and I have no children. When they started having kids, I buy for the kids INSTEAD of buying for them. It has worked out fine and my friends would rather it that way. Sometimes they give me a nice little though gift from the kids, sometimes they don't. I really don't care and would actually rather they don't spend the money on me. We have never discussed this, it just sort of happened and works for us. I think gift giving should be more about the kids anyway....

 

[gr8ful4Him]

You know, there's nothing worse than a "friend" trying to manipulate you. Been there, done that...the only thing that saved our friendship was that we moved away!
As far as gifts are concerned, give what you WANT to. Nobody can tell you that since I give a gift to you and your kids, you should give one to me and my kids. That's just not the spirit of giving.
I like the idea of giving gifts at other times of the year. Doesn't even have to be a special occasion because then everytime that occasion comes up, you may be "expected" to get them something. Sometimes the best gifts are the ones that come during a lull...like the middle of January or maybe even the end of July.
Nonetheless, you should never feel pressured into getting a gift for somebody!