o/t - why are people so rude?

[ado121]

ok heres the long and short of it. totally off topic but i needed to vent to my fellow canadians.

when my husband and i married we agreed we both wanted a large family. large meaning 3 for him (maybe 4) and 4 for me (i wanted an even number)
we have had our 4 children. 2 years apart. all are healthy, beautiful children. our youngest is 6 months old. and a boy. i say that because our other 3 darlings are girls. we didn't care what we had....you don't get a choice and we know that. we were happy with everything. girls or boys, as long as they were healthy.

heres the kicker...we get the rudest comments when we go out. so much so that i am hating going out anymore! heres a list:

are they all yours?
so you finally got your boy!
someone told my oldest daughter that her mommy had to have 3 girls to get her boy...had to???
wow, i feel for daddy.
don't you know what birth control is?
are you religious?
trying for your own tlc show???
are you having MORE?
do you know when enough is enough?

after our 3rd daughter was born, someone said to my husband....you must be so disappointed you didn't get a boy.

not to mention the tummy pats, and the finger pointing and the comments regarding a left over baby belly...another in the oven? you should be careful, in your condition, and the all so popular one...you are HUGE, are there twins in there.

so, i was just wondering...is 4 really that high of a number when it comes to kids. it seemed so natural for us, but we haven't met too many other families with 4 kids.

cheers

 

[iluveeyore]

I know what you mean - my sister has 4 boys, and she gets that all the time - 'didn't get your girl, huh?', 'are you going to keep trying for your girl?', etc., etc. She is done having kids, her youngest boy is 7 now. She also gets 'are these all yours?' too. She didn't keep having kids to try for a girl. I have three kids, first two were boys, then I got a girl. Didn't matter to me either, as long as they're healthy. But I got the same 'oh, you finally got your girl - guess you can stop now!' Drives me crazy. I only stopped because three was enough for us. There was only my sister and I, and we're five years apart, so we each wanted our kids to be close in age - they're all about 1-3.5 years apart. My Mom passed just after my daughter was born and didn't know my sister had more than one child. I guess we just wanted to have big families and give my Dad lots of grandkids to love and be proud of, which he is!
Yes, people can be rude, but you know why you had your family, and no one needs an explanation from you - they're healthy, happy children that you love and adore and that's all that matters.
To everyone who doesn't have as many kids, that's their choice and they're missing out on all that extra love!
To everyone who is rude, I say 'Bite me!'
Enjoy your family, they grow too fast. Now I'm looking forward to grandchildren in the next 5-10 years!

 

[ado121]

for every rude person i run into these days, there is a nice one in the world too. thats you! thanks!

 

[nepean]

Possibly some of those people are jealous. Many couples would love to have a large family but are not willing to make the sacrifices to have them. I have neighbours who have four girls and they also have had comments. I unfortunately have one, adopted from China and would loved to have had four or even five. It seems that everyone wants everything and they only have one or two kids so that they can continue to work and buy, buy, buy!!
I admire you for having the number of children that you want. When I grew up a family of 3 or 4 was small in my neighbourhood and we had three neighbours who had 9, 10 and 11. I went to school with two families who have 18 and 21 kids. Now that is a bit much for me but I know that these kids were happy and probably the nicest kids I ever knew.

Enjoy your family and ignore the idiots.

Linda

 

[ado121]

Enjoy your family and ignore the idiots.

Linda

well said!

 

[seashoreCM]

Don't say anything at all in response.

The late Ann Landers suggested this one but I think it takes too much time to recite:

"I'll forgive you for asking that if you forgive me for not answering."

Now to answer the title, which is an interrogative sentence:

"Because there are no consequences."

Disney hints: http://www.cockam.com/disney.htm

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

Where *I* come from, 4 kiddos is not considered a huge family. My hubby is Dutch, and they typically have very large families. In fact, we know one family that had eight daughters (in this case, they WERE trying for a boy) before finally adopting a son to make child #9. (funny story....they actually named the last little girl "Johnni", saying they were going to have a John in the family one way or another ).

If it makes you feel any better (cause misery does, indeed, love company!!) we get the very same rudeness in response to our "lonely only". I can't tell you how many times I've heard:

- "You've GOT to have another child....its not fair to him to be ALL alone!"
- "What if he marries another only child? His kids will have no aunts or uncles!"
- "Without a brother or sister, he's going to end up spoiled"

Oh yes, and there's my personal favourite:

- "What happens if he dies?" (well heck, we all plan for that, don't we? Make sure you have more than one child so that you can replace the first one if something tragic occurs....good grief!)

Keep in mind having an only child wasn't our choice....I was diagnosed with a brain tumour when he was just 2, and endured 10 years of surgeries, treatments and medications (which carried an extremely high risk of birth defects in developing fetuses). When I was first diagnosed, they only gave me a 60% chance of living 5 years. We decided together that we could NOT, in good conscience, bring another child into this world that could potentially have major special needs as a result of my seizure medications and potentially have my hubby end up a single dad to two kids. We were thrilled with our healthy, amazing boy, and moved forward from there.

Yet many, many people still feel the need to pry for a full explanation as to the source of our decision (I am doing well now and have no long term effects that are evident to someone who's just getting to know me). I refuse to divulge personal information to the nosy and the rude, simply because they lack the class to mind their own business. I prefer to smile and say very sweetly... "now why on earth would you ask that question?".., and hope that they realize how terribly shameful they sounded.

As for the tummy pats.....the first person that reaches out and taps my belly for ANY reason will get their hand slapped. And I will make no apologies!!
-

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

"I'll forgive you for asking that if you forgive me for not answering."

Love it!

 

[ado121]

gina...

i have to admit i never thought about the single child thing. i have never made any comments about it to people who have only 1. i think any child is a blessing. we have close friends whom we have lost touch with recently because they cannot have children and it breaks their hearts to come visit us and see how many we were blessed with. i can't imagine not being able to have kids.

i had a woman at my gym (6 weeks after having my son) tell me to be careful of the step classes in my 'condition'. i assumed she knew i had a shoulder injury and that she was talking about that. then she patted my tummy and said when is baby due? i almost died. baby came out of me 6 weeks ago. i cried thru the whole class. and the woman didn't even blush....nasty nasty. if my eyes could throw swords she would be dead!

 

[xipetotec]

ok heres the long and short of it. totally off topic but i needed to vent to my fellow canadians.

when my husband and i married we agreed we both wanted a large family. large meaning 3 for him (maybe 4) and 4 for me (i wanted an even number)
we have had our 4 children. 2 years apart. all are healthy, beautiful children. our youngest is 6 months old. and a boy. i say that because our other 3 darlings are girls. we didn't care what we had....you don't get a choice and we know that. we were happy with everything. girls or boys, as long as they were healthy.

heres the kicker...we get the rudest comments when we go out. so much so that i am hating going out anymore! heres a list:

are they all yours?
so you finally got your boy!
someone told my oldest daughter that her mommy had to have 3 girls to get her boy...had to???
wow, i feel for daddy.
don't you know what birth control is?
are you religious?
trying for your own tlc show???
are you having MORE?
do you know when enough is enough?

after our 3rd daughter was born, someone said to my husband....you must be so disappointed you didn't get a boy.

not to mention the tummy pats, and the finger pointing and the comments regarding a left over baby belly...another in the oven? you should be careful, in your condition, and the all so popular one...you are HUGE, are there twins in there.

so, i was just wondering...is 4 really that high of a number when it comes to kids. it seemed so natural for us, but we haven't met too many other families with 4 kids.

cheers

Well we have 3 ourselves, but we also travel with my parents and my brother a lot of the time ( group of 8 ) and when in Mexico, a sales guy tried to get our attention by calling us the Brady Bunch. Suffice it to say, he didn't get any sales...

 

[Gina-Gina-Bo-Bina]

gina...

i have to admit i never thought about the single child thing. i have never made any comments about it to people who have only 1. i think any child is a blessing. we have close friends whom we have lost touch with recently because they cannot have children and it breaks their hearts to come visit us and see how many we were blessed with. i can't imagine not being able to have kids.

Hey, no worries! Life is a crazy thing, and we're all just muddling through the best way we can, taking whatever punches life throws our way.

I totally agree that every child is a blessing: girl or boy, only child or sibling. We should all keep in mind just what a gift they are.

Some day, make sure you're lifting some barbells next to the dingbat at the gym. And perhaps you might just accidentally drop one on her toe. (OK, I don't really mean that.....but allow yourself to fantasize for a moment )

 

[jtdl]

I think some people feel that if it is different from what they have/want then it's not right! Alot of these people are just plain stupid not necessarily mean. I get the same thing with my 2 children who are 10 years apart. My first husband passed away when I was pregnant - it took a lot of years for me to find the second Mr. Right and get married and pregnant again. By that time I was in my late 30's and after my 2nd was born, I got pregnant again but had a miscarriage - that was the end of it for me. Now 9 times out of 10 when someone finds out my kids are 10 years apart they ask if I am nuts or why would I wait that long - well folks - it wasn't my choice!!! My choice was to have 3 kids but that didn't work out and I don't feel I need to explain my entire life to these virtual strangers!!!!! I wish I could come up with a smart *** remark that would make these people never ask a personal question of a stranger again - any suggestions????????

 

[coastgirl]

I think I expressed some surprise yesterday when I found out my chiro was pg with #4. But I HOPE the only thing I expressed was admiration. I have two and they keep me busy--I often feel like moms of three, four, or more are just so much better at it than I am, as I can't imagine coping with more! We started late and then dealt with infertility, and I'd love to have a third, but have endured enough comments on the other end ("married all this time, did you just figure it out?"). I also have a sister who's gay and she and her partner have a daughter--I don't know how much prying THEY get, but let me tell you, everyone and their dog thinks it's ok to ask ME how they got their baby!! Personally I just congratulate people on their blessings and then try to keep my mouth shut.

 

[chasbos]

Yes - some people do not think before they talk and if they do they should maybe talk less!

It is really no ones business how many children you have! DH and I also have 4 kids and they happen to be all girls. DH is very happy with his girls (they are 18, 16, 14 & 11) and was very disgusted with the comments he got before DD #4 was born. NO he was not trying for a son - he was having a child who he prayed would be healthy.

I thought I was done at 3 kids but the day before I was to make that decision permanent I backed out and knew I was not done having kids - now 3-4 months into being pregnant with DD #4 I knew I did not want anymore kids.

So I was very happy she was a girl because DH said we would have to have baby #5 if she was a boy. He did not want people thinking he only had another child was to get a boy!

But now you take my SIL - she has 2 boys (11 & 9) and has now decided it is time to have kids again. But she states very loudly that this better be a girl - I just shake my head and think how rude to the 2 boys you already have.

Enjoy your kids and just ignore the rude people!

 

[LuvBaloo]

Its amazing how many people make assumptions about other people's families.

I have 2 girls, and did get lots of questions about when we were going to have another to try for a boy. I'm happy with my 2 girls, DH is happy with his 2 girls, even DH's father is happy with with his granddaughters, and I figured he'd have pushed for more since he's into family history, and now there's no boy to carry on some family traditions.

I do think its horrible when people talk about getting a girl or boy in front of their other kids; I remember my grandmother telling me that it was funny how my mom wanted boys and got 2 girls, and my aunt wanted girls and got 3 boys. I was around 10 when I was told that, and I can remember asking my mom if she really wanted boys. Those kind of statements make kids wonder if they weren't what their parents wanted. In my case, I believed my mom when she said she didn't care what she got, and grandmother just assumed Mom wanted boys because she was a tomboy herself. I know my grandmother never meant anything by her statements to me and would have been horrified at the thought of causing me any pain.

That said, I did want a girl more than a boy when I had my first child, but I didn't really care and had both girl and boy names picked out. I wanted a girl, because I wanted to name her after my grandmother and wanted my grandmother to know her. Nana passed away when my first DD was just over 1, and in her last couple weeks, she had many a smile from my DD visiting her in the hospital.

Sorry for the long post, but my final point is, that people shouldn't feel bad for wanting a boy or girl more, but nobody else gets to comment on it, and don't ever make a kid think they were a disappointment just because of their gender.

 

[TheWog]

Neighbors of ours have 4 with a 3 month old right now. She says she gets comments all time as well. Someone asked her just last week in the grocery store if they were all hers and she said yes, but we are still waiting to find out who the father of the last one is. She is so not like that it took us back, but it was pretty funny. She had had enough that day.

 

[Ham Ham]

Love the kids.

Ignore the trolls.

 

[LSmith]

Love the kids.

Ignore the trolls.

Nice to finally see the wife and kids Ham Ham.

 

[Ham Ham]

Nice to finally see the wife and kids Ham Ham.

 

[DearDaisyinDurham]

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