O/T: Curfew?

[MickeyMonstersMom]

Help! DD just turned 13 and is entering 8th grade. We haven't needed a curfew until now, but so many of her friends have a lot more freedom than I'm comfortable with, and we need to set some limits before school starts - I'm already sick of the arguing! What do you think is an appropriate curfew for kids her age? I have a number in mind, but would love to hear what others have to say first!

P.S. Just for clarity, I'm talking about weekends - she isn't going anywhere during the week!

 

[ampc3]

Well I don't have to worry about that just yet, thank godness! I feel your struggle tho, I am sure you want her to have some freedom and not be left out so to speak.

I think ALOT has to do with how responsible she is and how much you can trust her? Also who her friends are.
I am pretty strict and not sure what will happen once I get to those teenage years, (my 8 yr THINKS she is 13! lol~ but not really laughing)

Anyway I think it would depend on alot, I don't think I would be comfortable just picking a time and always going with that, I think it would sortof be on a case by case situation. I would probably be ok with 9 as a given, and then go from there up until 10 ?? I don't know either.
It will be interesting what others have to say.
Good Luck!

 

[jakoky]

yikes, this is a tough subject...i am really just been dealing with it the last 6 months...my oldest daughter is 16 and she is just starting to be allowed to got to "parties" and her curfew on the nights she is allowed is 12:00 at the latest....we have been lucky with all our kids, they will go watch movies at a friends or go to the show, so we have never really needed to set a curfew, we just go by what they are doing...my oldest is a cheerleader, so it has been a little tough that she wasnt allowed to do what some of them were, but we made it through and she has earned our trust...my 14 year old son hangs out at the golf course so much or with friends at our house or over at theirs, again, so we just just say we will be there at 8 or 9 or 10 or whatever....my youngest dd is 11(12 on tuesday) so of course she isnt needing one yet...This year will be tougher as my oldest is going into grade 11 and my son will start gr 9 at the high school(so he is going to ask do to more now)...good luck, i kinda think at that age you could do what i have done in just go by what they are doing, maybe 10 if they are watching a movie at a friends or whatever...sometimes kids(mine included) like to push the boundaries and then u may have to set a firm 9 o'clock(or whatever u decide)...good luck, the teenage years can be so much fun but soooooo hard....
sharon
me, dh, dd-16-, ds- 14-, dd-turning 12 in 5 days and we leave for DL 9 days later-
WDW-Dec 04-first disney experience for my DH, DD, DS, DD and first time at WDW for us all
DL-MAY 06-first time at DL for DH and kids , and my 9th(but the first 8 were all by the time i was about 13) so it was all new to me
COUNTDOWN IS ON....WE ARE GOING BACK TO DL SEPT 15-25!!!!!-15more sleeps til we leave

 

[monorailsilver]

I'd say 10 unless she was going to the movies & it got over at 10:20 (or whatever time) & you or another parent was going to pick her up then.

Or if it was a school function that was getting over later-dance, football game, etc...

But my mind might change when my oldest is 13 as she is only 6 right now.

 

[Gabkatt]

I am the founder of an organization that offers support services to families in NE. Ohio and my DW is a social worker for childrens services here in our state. I agree you have to know your DD and you have to set up limits and boundaries that work for you and your family. Kids should definatly have a curfew! IMO, I would say no later than 8pm for her age if homework and chores are done. On the weekend, providing the week went well, a later curfew may be a reward. It sounds like she is talking back a little bit and arguing. The more this happens the more it is accepted and becomes the norm. A very swift consequence nipping it in the bud at the first sign of an argument (ie:grounding or keeping a very early curfew 5pm until she earns a later one) do not be pulled in to the argument simply enforce the consequence. This will draw the boundary lines up to a no tolerance for being mouthy. This will also make you the bad guy for a while, but better now than a few years down the road. If you are married, you must both be on the same page with this or you will get played one parent against the other. Please, I hope I have not offended you with all the extra advice. I have worked with thousands of kids of all ages and anytime I can help a parent out I try and do so...or if you think I'm off my rocker...thats ok too..

 

[nessz79]

Not flaming, but just curious as to why the need for a curfew. At 13, she wouldn't have a car...does she have friends who drive? If you're picking her up, then I would limit where she could go...like the movies. And then it would depend on when the movie was over.
Personally I wouldn't let a 13 year old go around with older kids who could drive.

My very humble 2 cents....my boys aren't near that age. But I know that I didn't even have a curfew until I was 16 and started going out with friends. Before that, I might have seen a movie, but my mom would pick me up and we wouldn't be out later than 10:30 or so. Granted I was 13 about 15 years ago...but if anything it seems like we should get stricter as society changes.

Ok I'm shutting up now!

 

[Darcy03231]

My DS just turned 14 and DD just turned 16 (not driving yet). Our practice has not been to set a specific time. It all depends on what they're doing. If they are just hanging out at a friend's house and I have to pick them up - its usually between 9-10 p.m.. If they have a specific place they're going, it depends on the time the activity ends. If homework hasn't been done during the week, bad test grades, behavior issues, etc. they don't go anywhere on the weekends. When DD (19) was 16 and driving our rule was she had to be home with the car by 10 pm unless she was at a specific activity and then she had to come home right after. When she was 17 it was increased to 11 pm and at 18 (still in high school) it was increased to midnight.

 

[Gabkatt]

Granted I was 13 about 15 years ago...but if anything it seems like we should get stricter as society changes.

Ok I'm shutting up now!

Hence, the need for a curfew. I don't think your flaming here. We don't have all the facts here either, many kids are out playing with other kids in the area. I know many families in the city who tell their kids to be home when the street lights come on. Personally, no way! I took her question with a few things given. Sounds like this girl is starting to really try and stretch her wings (like kids do at her age). Obviously a curfew of some type has come up as an issue and maybe even a concern. So not knowing all the details and if she has to ask about a curfew, than she must feel the need for one. When I said 8pm that was with a hopeful understanding that mom knows the situation and is trusting her DD.

 

[hydster]

I have a 14 yr old dd and her curfew on the weekends is 10:30. If she needs a ride she is to call me 10 min before curfew so that I can come and get her.

Part of the reason for this is when she went "missing" for 5 hours last year and I couldn't find her anywhere. She was supposed to be home for dinner but she "lost track of time" and didn't make it home until 9. After that we have a strict policy for her. 10:30 until she is 16. At 16 we will decide what time it will move to.

I see NO reason for a younger teen in middle school to be out past 11 at the latest on a weekend but that's my own view.

 

[wishtdream]

I would start the process with a conversation with DD. Where does she want to go? what is it she wants to do? with whom? what time does she think is reasonable? You may be pleasantly surprised at the answers she gives. Remember yourself and remind her that she knows your rules and how you feel about different people and activities. you could use this opportunity to start an ongoing conversation about who and what is important to dd and let her set her own time on the weekend, on a case by case basis with your input and guidance.

There may not really be a need for a regular curfew per say, maybe only a disciplinary one as a long term consequence 4-6 weeks of 7 pm for example for not being where she was supposed to be, with whom she was supposed to be, or did not com home when she said she would. Thats how my grandparents did it.
Growing up doesn't happen the day you turn 18 or 21 it is a process that takes time.

 

[pweyl36]

First of all, unless they go to the movies or have a sleep over at a friends
house. What is there to do after 9pm for a 13 yr old or up to a 17yr old?
you cant get in to clubs or the bars. To me thats how kids get in to trouble
is when they get BORED. Just my 2 cents.

 

[nessz79]

First of all, unless they go to the movies or have a sleep over at a friends
house. What is there to do after 9pm for a 13 yr old or up to a 17yr old?
you cant get in to clubs or the bars. To me thats how kids get in to trouble
is when they get BORED. Just my 2 cents.

This is what I meant when I had asked why the need for a curfew at all. I just don't understand what a 13 year old would be doing other than a sleep over or movies. I don't think they should be riding around with the 16+ crowd.

 

[MickeyMonstersMom]

I can see where my question left enough open to be confusing. We live outside our school district and DD does not hang out in the neighborhood or suchlike; it's just that she and I do best with *very* clear guidelines. For example, if I drive her to a friend's house without a clear "curfew" time to get home, depending on the friend's parents, she will try to get away with coming home very late. If I let her get away with coming home from Susie's at 11:00 but then tell her she has to come home from Katie's at 9:00, I'll have hours of whining and arguing ahead of me.

It hasn't helped that DD's best friend's mom is way too permissive - she dumps her children at the mall or local ski area and leaves them for 10-12 hours. Her daughter has a habit of getting a ride somewhere without planning how she's going to get home. A few weeks ago, she and DD went to the movies with a few other kids - one parent was taking them and another was bringing them home. I got a call at 8:30 saying that the "taking home" parent hadn't confirmed and now the girls had no ride. I got to the theater at 9:00 to discover that the movie didn't end until 9:40. At that point, three boys also said they had no ride, so I took them home as well (luckily, I have a minivan). What a mess.

Anyway, with the (ahem) relaxed parenting among DD's friends, I want to be very clear about when she needs to be home. I already have a contract of sorts drawn up that requires a minimum of 24 hours advance request as well as parent phone numbers so that *I* can call and confirm all the details before I'll even consider the request. And for the sake of consistency, I was planning to give a base curfew of 9:00 for random visits and such. I'm anticipating howls of misery over how unreasonable that time is, but her safety and my peace of mind are much more important than her embarrassment over her mother's strictness.

Thanks everyone for the input!

 

[nessz79]

Sounds like you have a good plan to me.

Although I think that you have every right to have different standards for their different friends. There were some people that my mom didn't let me spend the night with...period. No point in my arguing as the point was moot. So I think it's your right to decide if she can stay until 9 or 11 as long as it's consistent.

But anyway, I totally agree on the relaxed parenting being irresponsible. And these same parents wonder why their kids get into trouble.

 

[cymomtx]

Sounds like you have a great plan. I still send my DS16 to bed at 8pm, I'm a very mean mommy! He also gets up at 5:20am!

 

[Gabkatt]

Good for you! You have a very good handle on the situation. We were just at a very large mall and saw two girls around 11 or 12 just walking the mall. I hope I don't get flamed, but I dont understand how people can just drop of their kids for hours. I can tell you one thing, if they were in my field of work, they would certainly think twice! I see more cases of abuse and neglect than I care to and if people knew how many preditors are out there, they would be escorting there kids everywhere. Its not about trusting your own kids, its about not opening the door for someone to take advantage of your them.

 

[Suzanna1973]

When my DD17 was in the 8th grade, her curfew really depended on the situation. She was never allowed to stay out past 10pm unless of course she would be spending the night at a friend's house and I would be picking her up the next day. If she was going to the movies with friends, we picked a 7oclock show and I was there to pick them up as soon as movie let out. She was never allowed to do the mall in the evenings. I always let her go during the day.

But it really boils down to what you as a mother feel comfortable with. Go with your gut.

 

[Amirah95]

DD12's friends come to visit her at our house and we take them out to the pool, to the movies or whatever and drop them all off at home. It will remain this way until she goes off to college. My DM raised me like that and it wasn't so bad...now that I am an adult I understand why she decided to do what she did.

I say do what's best for you and her.

 

[MickeyMonstersMom]

Its not about trusting your own kids, its about not opening the door for someone to take advantage of your them.

Excellent way to say it!

 

[darlak]

Frankly, I'm a bit suprised by some of the answers here, but maybe you live in a different kind of area than us. We live near the largest city in our state and that is where the nearest malls, movies, etc. are located. My DD13 is also in the 8th grade this year. She is the youngest of my 4 children. None of my children had a curfew at her age and neither does she. She doesn't need one because if she's going someplace with friends, I will be there too or another parent that I trust will be. There is no dropping off at the mall or the movies here.

At 13, it isn't about whether or not I trust her. It's about whether or not I trust another parent. This summer she often spent the night with her best friend, whose mom is a SAHM and a night owl. Sometimes when she was at their house, they would decide to go to a midnight showing of a movie. Still not a probelm for me because they were never alone and I trust her friend's mom.

I've only recently started leaving her home alone for a few hours at a time. This may not work for everyone, but I've raised 3 other kids this way with very few problems from any of them.