NY area Dis'ers who pays for bridal shower? Update 12/10/15 original post

[Swan4Me]

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/new-times-new-traditions/129-who-can-host-a-shower



Who Can Host a Shower?
It had long been considered a breach of etiquette for the bride's family members to host showers.
Why? Because the main point of a shower is to give gifts to the bride and it could seem as if her family were asking for gifts.
Today, while it's still a faux pas for an engaged couple to throw their own shower, pretty much anyone else can host one. Family members frequently step in to host showers, especially when common sense dictates such a solution.

 

[MrsPete]

Well just because you have snacks in a break room doesn't
Mean those who have elegant sit down luncheons are practicing
Bad manners because YOU say so

Not what I said at all. A new paragraph indicates the topic has changed. In this case, the first two paragraphs were about hosting the shower, while the last was a recounting of what's typical here.

 

[lurkernj]

Im from NJ and my experience is that the bridal party throws the shower. Occasionally the mother of the bride will help out, but I don't think its "required". One shower I attended the mother of the bride paid for everything(very wealthy), and the bridesmaids planned it.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I don't think it's bad manners if the MOB hosts the shower, especially if the bridal party is not planning to put one together. I don't see it as a "gift grab" cause every bride normally gets a shower. I like the idea posted above that if the bridal party is not able to afford the shower than the MOB pays for it and the bridal party plans the activities.

 

[NotUrsula]

So you are saying if the bridal party doesn't want to throw my DD a shower she shouldn't have one? We did not have a big extravagant shower. It was in a restaurant but we only have 45 woman, The whole thing came to $1,500 complete.
... [snipped] ...
So maybe you feel it was poor etiquette on my part but my DD deserved a nice shower just like everyone else even though her friends weren't going to throw it.

THINGS are a lot different then when we got married my Bridal party gave me a shower, chipped in for a really nice gift and then when I got pregnant threw me a baby shower.

Oh no, not saying anyone shouldn't have a bridal shower! Your daughter deserved one just like all brides do. I know someone who didn't have any bridesmaids, so her mom threw the shower, and I saw nothing wrong with it.

This thread was about who pays for the shower, so I responded and went with what I see to be more common nowadays. Traditions change, and this is one of them that has been changing.

She isnt' saying it, but I am. NOWHERE is it required that a couple have a bridal shower. They are really a fairly recent tradition that has only been around as a formal event for about 100 years, and originally were something that people did for girls who were very poor and whose parents could not afford to give her a dowry. (The idea was to endow her with some worldly goods of her own so as to help make up for the money that the groom wasn't going to get from her Dad.)

No one ever died from not having a bridal shower thrown for her. I didn't have one, and it didn't bother me one bit. Beyond that, however, it's just ridiculous to throw your own daughter a shower because you are afraid that no one else will. If her friends care about her, they will come up with some kind of enjoyable occasion that they can share, and that is what really counts, not what kind of haul she can bring in. If what they can afford is cheese and white wine on someone's fire escape, then that will do fine.

My family has been involved with the wedding industry for decades now, and "occasion creep" has been getting more and more pernicious for all that time. People have been brainwashed to think that certain kinds of events are somehow required in order to get married, and that's just horsepucky. A shower is nice if someone wants to throw it for you, but for a bride's family to spend big on an extra catered event just to keep up with "everyone else" is bizarre.

FTR, I think 45 women in a restaurant counts as an extravagant shower. Most of the ones that I have attended are around 20 women in someone's home.

 

[gina2000]

I was married 29 years ago in NJ and my mom and sister (MOH) paid for my bridal shower. It was held in a lovely restaurant and there were probably 50 people at the shower - and 90% of them were close relatives (no children). We all live locally and no one could be excluded. All were invited to the wedding in case you were wondering.

I think much of this depends on how many close family members live in the area. My dad's family was huge and local; my mom's smaller but also local. My in-laws' families were also local. It's not like you can exclude close family and a series of small showers just wasn't practical.

I've only been to 2 home showers - both were lovely. I hosted one. But the reality for large Italian families is a restaurant shower paid for by someone who is willing and capable. Usually that's a close family member.

 

[Swan4Me]

FTR, I think 45 women in a restaurant counts as an extravagant shower. Most of the ones that I have attended are around 20 women in someone's home.

Every area is different and does things in different ways-I'm learning this big time right now-as my son is marrying into a humongous Italian family on the east coast & the shower and wedding traditions are completely different than what i have ever experienced and i'm loving every minute of it

I've gone to very small and big showers.There are even showers that people are invited in groups at different times -like one group from 12-2 another from 2-4 to fit all in someone's home

 

[LovesTimone]

My daughter is getting married in march of 2013, My DD will be having 3 or 4 showers and 2 girls night out parties. We live in Ga. but most of our friends and family live in Fl. our home state.

Here is Ga, she will have a work shower followed by a girls night out. Since she is a server at a steak house, the shower will be held there and everyone will bring something to share, even the guys who work there will chip in, then they will go out.

At home in FL, She will have a family shower that I will be paying for we will be either at our church or at a local resturant more of a upscale deli, Another shower for her girls friends at the marton of honors moms house, I will be helping with food cost at this one. Then all the girls will go out for the evening. Possible there even might be another shower were my DD and her DF met and worked, given by the maid of honor who still works and they all stay in touch.

With that all said, all the showers will be small and intimate and fun nothing fussy or costly. Basicly this how is works for us and our friends everyone chips in and wants to help the new couple start out on the right foot so to speak.

 

[mjkacmom]

FTR, I think 45 women in a restaurant counts as an extravagant shower. Most of the ones that I have attended are around 20 women in someone's home.

Well, that's what you think, but that doesn't make it so. Around here, 45 women in a restaurant is definitely not considered an extravagant shower, because it's the norm. And I've never known any married woman who didn't have a shower. No matter who pays, or does the inviting, a shower is held for the bride to be.

 

[Metsfan520]

She isnt' saying it, but I am. NOWHERE is it required that a couple have a bridal shower. They are really a fairly recent tradition that has only been around as a formal event for about 100 years, and originally were something that people did for girls who were very poor and whose parents could not afford to give her a dowry. (The idea was to endow her with some worldly goods of her own so as to help make up for the money that the groom wasn't going to get from her Dad.)

No one ever died from not having a bridal shower thrown for her. I didn't have one, and it didn't bother me one bit. Beyond that, however, it's just ridiculous to throw your own daughter a shower because you are afraid that no one else will. If her friends care about her, they will come up with some kind of enjoyable occasion that they can share, and that is what really counts, not what kind of haul she can bring in. If what they can afford is cheese and white wine on someone's fire escape, then that will do fine.

My family has been involved with the wedding industry for decades now, and "occasion creep" has been getting more and more pernicious for all that time. People have been brainwashed to think that certain kinds of events are somehow required in order to get married, and that's just horsepucky. A shower is nice if someone wants to throw it for you, but for a bride's family to spend big on an extra catered event just to keep up with "everyone else" is bizarre.

FTR, I think 45 women in a restaurant counts as an extravagant shower. Most of the ones that I have attended are around 20 women in someone's home.

Of course no-one needs a shower. But in my family, they are a chance to get together about 6 weeks before the wedding. And for my sisters, they kinda needed the shower--neither of them lived alone or with their boyfriends so they needed almost everything from dishes to forks to pots. And the showers in our family are not fancy--they are in someone's home (usually-GASP-the bride's family home) & the food isn't fancy either--cold cuts, bread, cheese, salad--maybe the fanciest thing is a cake. And 45 people is on the low side! Between my aunts, female cousins & cousins-in-law, we had 40 people easy. Then of course, my brother-in-law's family, some friends & neighbors & there were 60 people invited. (luckily, our family home is huge) So sorry if it offends your sensibilities, but my mom was the hostess in everything but name. There was no way in heck that I could afford to pay for that, and I certainly couldn't expect my sisters to pay for it either.

I don't know why I keep coming back to this thread. Maybe I'm hopeful that people will understand that doing things differently isn't always wrong. But I have a feeling I'm beating my head against a wall. Oh well, can't blame a girl for trying.

 

[cluvsdisney]

Well, that's what you think, but that doesn't make it so. Around here, 45 women in a restaurant is definitely not considered an extravagant shower, because it's the norm. And I've never known any married woman who didn't have a shower. No matter who pays, or does the inviting, a shower is held for the bride to be.

For the most part, this has been my experience as well. Although I went to one shower with over 100 guests which was in a catering hall - it took hours to open gifts and there was a stripper. LOL And my sister & I hosted a shower at her house which was much more expensive then it would have been to have in a restaurant. Go figure.

 

[labfan]

All the bridal showers I've been to (my own included) were thrown by the bridal party. One where I was the maid of honor, we rented a hall and everyone brought dishes in. Sometimes the mother of the bride also brought a food item.
But of course I also see nothing wrong with the mother or other family members helping out if they want. It all depends on the situation with the bridal party and family. If you can't afford to spend much, just don't go overboard. We had lots of fun whether we rented a hall or had it at someone's house. You don't need to be extravagant. Just make it a nice celebration for the bride.

 

[wishesuponastar]

 

[aprilgail2]

And 45 people is on the low side! Between my aunts, female cousins & cousins-in-law, we had 40 people easy. Then of course, my brother-in-law's family, some friends & neighbors & there were 60 people invited. (luckily, our family home is huge) .

Well, that's what you think, but that doesn't make it so. Around here, 45 women in a restaurant is definitely not considered an extravagant shower, because it's the norm. And I've never known any married woman who didn't have a shower. No matter who pays, or does the inviting, a shower is held for the bride to be.

I agree--45 is not considered a lot at all- by the time you invite every female that is going to the wedding even if you only have 100 people invited to your wedding that could be 50 women right there!

 

[wishesuponastar]

OP here- update in original post

 

[AnnaS]

Also from NY area. Most of the time, the bridal shower is given by the bride's mom. There are times when a sibling is the Matron/Maid of honor and is in a position financially to want to contribute to it. Usually it's the mom though. The bridal showers are held at restaurants with 50 - 100 people. Sometimes a sit down meal and sometimes a buffet style. The girls in the bridal party do not have extra money to contribute. The dresses, shoes, hair, make up, gift for the bridal shower and wedding are an expense in itself. All the bridal parties I have been in, attended, etc. were given by the mom.

If the mom, groom's mom, siblings cannot afford to pay/contribute - that is fine and if someone else/friend/bridal party can step up. That is fine also. I don't think there is a right or wrong anymore. If you can do it, go for it - if not, do the best you can. If someone volunteers to help. That is awesome too.

 

[Sagginit]

I went against tradition and didn't have a bridal party. Our wedding was just 100 people and it was a relief to friends/close family not to be a bridesmaid. I threw my own shower at my mother's house and we both paid for it. Quite frankly I think my friends were happy to give me a gift and show up to the shower that I hosted, rather than be asked to be a bridesmaid so they could wear a matching dress and throw me a shower. I would say 50% of showers I have been to with my friends were paid for by mothers or close family (my friends bridesmaids were all her cousins ranging from 12-25, they certainly couldn't afford the shower). Likewise I know ladies who had a large bridal party of 6-8 women in their late twenties/ early thirties. In that case they were able to split the cost more evenly, and the family just had to show up. I think honestly you never really know who pays for it unless you are involved. Many of the showers could actually be paid for by family and people just don't know it. I knew someone who couldn't afford the shower share and was going to drop out, but it was her brother's wedding. He got so upset at the thought she might not be in the wedding because of the extravagant shower the bridesmaid planned he wrote the check for her share.

In NJ I know very few who didn't have a bridal shower, and yes I needed things so I didn't feel like it was shameless gift grab. I have been living with hand me downs with a roommate, and my husband as well was making due with a lot of hand me downs. We paid for our own wedding and it was well reviewed by everyone who attended. Anyone who went to the shower was also invited to the wedding, and the shower was only 20-25 people. It was nice to get together with the ladies before I got married and everyone really enjoyed seeing each other. I did really appreciate all the gifts and I wanted to have that experience. I now have things like pitchers, platters, decanters, dishes etc that I can look at fondly and remember who gave it to me. I can see how this is so debatable. My in-laws are not from this country and its a split between who got married here and there. Those that got married here got it, but one close relative wanted to know if I still got gifts at the wedding and at the shower lol. She thought the shower was a chance to collect box wedding gifts beforehand and was kinda wondering why I registered for such low value items.

I have a friend who skipped the shower, but she also did a destination. She had a "pre-wedding" party for family/friends to wish her well and the invite said no boxed presents. Now that I think is more likely to offend Emily Post than a brides' family paying or throwing the shower.

 

[Crispity]

I've never understood being offended by who hosts a shower. As an invited shower guest, the specifics of who paid for what does not affect me in the least. If I would happily go and give a present if the bride's aunt or best friend was hosting, I would also happily go and give a present if the mom is hosting. Anyone who is TRULY bothered by a mom hosting her daughter's shower (because Miss Manners wouldn't approve!) probably doesn't like the bride and/or her mom too much to begin with.