Nothing to talk about

[sunlver]

You might be surprised how much you have to talk about once you get away by yourselves. I know for ME, it takes about 3 days to get really comfortable leaving the kids behind. But after that it's like we revert to our old college selves, when we could carry on deep meaningful discussions to all hours of the night.

I think a lot of couples get into a rut after awhile. When our kids are little it's just too easy to fall into a pattern of "putting out fires" all the time. We speak to each other in short bursts: "Did you pick up milk?""We're overdrawn again" "Here, take the trash out for me" "Be home early, we're going over to your mother's for dinner." You get the drift. When we've got one eye on the kids and the other eye on the checkbook it's easy to lose sight of the real reason we're together.


A lot of people here know my situation, with a sick DH and severely handicapped son, plus two other kids. What you may not know is that there was a time that DH & I lived almost parallel lives in our home. We loved each other, but we each had different focus and responsibilities. He worked outside the home and everything & everyone inside the home was my responsibility. It worked for us for awhile. But we didn't have a lot in common,so there were lots of silences because we didin't know hwat to say. Then one day we went to the doctor. He told us that DH had an inoperable mass in his brain. Our world shattered in one day. Suddenly, all that stuff just didn't matter. It was a bad way to do it, but it forced us to have some very difficult conversations. We made each other Number One in the family (much to the upset of one of our kids who thinks it's All About Him.)

That was 9 years ago. THankfully, the mass was found to be benign, actually a harbinger to his lung disease we found out later. I often wonder how things might have been different if we had not had this sea change. Would we have been as committed? Would we have gone separate ways? I don't know. But I know this--we don't know how long we'll have together so we better make it as good as we can. Every day doesn't have to be a fiesta, but we generally check in with each other daily and we're honest with one another now.

OP, I hope you have a wonderful time. I think once you're off with your man it will all fall into place. You're still the same girl he married and I'm sure he loves you as you love him.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It gave me a lot to think about.

 

[powellrj]

Dh and I have been married over 30 years. We go out on Saturday morning together just to touch base. We haven't always done this, but we are looking at an empty nest in the next 5 years or so (I hope so anyway) and we felt we needed to reconnect before all the kid madness ended and we were these 2 old people with nothing to talk about.

We talk about politics, current events, movies and TV shows. For 2 people that live together in the same house we actually live pretty separate lives. We both work full time, but because we work in the same field only with different companies, we have lots of "shop talk". I keep the household running and the kids schedules and he really doesn't have a clue what goes on. He works 6 days a week 14-16 hours a day, so work is really his life.

I call our Saturdays our business meeting! I go over what is planned for the next week and then we gossip about work and then we talk about general stuff like current events.

During the summer months we started going to local Farmers Markets on our Saturday mornings. I was surprised when DH told me yesterday how much he missed the Farmer Markets during the winter months. We have taken the kids a few times and they think the whole thing is so lame, they beg not to have to go with us!

I guess my long ramblings is saying try to find a common activity you can do together and see if you don't reconnect. Believe it or not, its not always easy, but it is worthwhile.

 

[Ember]

After 13 years together, my DH and I talk all the time. He's a scientist so I read the science and technology sections of several online newspapers and follow a few blogs. He reads up on news stories and research that might interest me and in the evenings or when we're out and about there's generally a lot to talk about. We talk about what we've read and discuss and debate it. It may seems silly to commit time each day to this, but I think the mental stimulation is important for both of us. (Besides, we don't have kids to talk about and talking about the cat gets old pretty quick!)

I bet you used to do this sort of thing without even thinking when you first got together, most couples do. But with jobs and kids and every day life it tends to fall by the wayside. I don't think you're odd at all, I think you just need to find something that interests you both and read up on it a bit. That can be the basis and a starting point for many conversations.

 

[mariolatry]

We're in the same boat at my house. We spend a lot of time talking about small specifics, all of the things you talk about when you have a young family. He works 6-7 days per week and is always exhausted so he doesn't have tons of energy to talk about serious issues. Honestly, we're both such introverts that, after a day of two little girls (me) and a hospital ER (him), we need some quiet time to recover.

He's never been the chattiest guy though.

 

[kathie859]

OP, I am long-time married to a very quiet, private person. He's a great guy but NOT a conversationalist. When we go out, I try to have some open ended questions (current events, arts related, whatever) to ask. He'll usually give me some feedback that way. Otherwise, we may well sit in very companionable silence and enjoy "being".

If there's something important to say, DH will say it; but otherwise he keeps his own counsel unless I initiate the discussion. Dh will never be the life of the party, never be "that" guy who has all the jokes but he has been a fantasic husband and father. Somethings are more important than cheap talk.

Since this obviously bothers you, I think you need to share your anxiety with him and perhaps develop conversation starters. I find once DH is engaged with me, he'll usually keep the chat going.

Good luck

 

[NMAmy]

I think this is one reason that divorce is so prevalent once a family's children grow up and leave the house. Suddenly, the parents realize they haven't really been talking or connecting for years and they have nothing in common and no common goals anymore.

This is an opportunity to make a change, OP. Start now, before the cruise, and really spend some time with your husband without the kids or extended family around as a buffer.

I find it sad that so many couples are frantically inviting their entire extended family on vacation so they don't have to worry about spending time alone with their spouse. DH and I make time every day to reconnect and chat. Conversations don't have to be deep and meaningful but you do need to have a bond and a connection to each other. In fact, I'd even say that having fun and laughing together is the most important thing in our relationship.

 

[sunlver]

OP, I am long-time married to a very quiet, private person. He's a great guy but NOT a conversationalist. When we go out, I try to have some open ended questions (current events, arts related, whatever) to ask. He'll usually give me some feedback that way. Otherwise, we may well sit in very companionable silence and enjoy "being".

If there's something important to say, DH will say it; but otherwise he keeps his own counsel unless I initiate the discussion. Dh will never be the life of the party, never be "that" guy who has all the jokes but he has been a fantasic husband and father. Somethings are more important than cheap talk.

Since this obviously bothers you, I think you need to share your anxiety with him and perhaps develop conversation starters. I find once DH is engaged with me, he'll usually keep the chat going.


Actually no, he is NOT reserved at all.. I would say I am the reserved one of the of us. I guess over the years, he will say things that hit a nerve, its always the same thing, and we just go round and round about the same subject,neither one of is budging from our opinion..My problkem is that we are so different in so many ways,that it is hard to come up with some neutral topic that doesnt get either one of on the defensive
I mean there is only so much weather talk or dog talk or kid talk that could go on

 

[Syrreal]

We do find that we repeat stuff to each other alot.....I'll start a story from my past and DH will say "I know. You tell me that story all the time". I do it to him too when he repeats a story again (and again!). We tease each other that we need to separate for a few years, go off and have new adventures, and then when we get back together we'll have new stories to tell.

DH and I do that too! Also he or I will start telling a story and the other one will just say "I know, I was there."

OP- DH and I are VERY different people. I doubt we really see eye to eye on most everything. He is the more laid back of the two of us except when he's impassioned by/with something. We press each others buttons all the time. I think that is just part of living with someone and being close to them. After all, only those close to us really know how to peeve us the most. LOL

It's hard to say if you had known your DH more before you married if things would have been different or if you wouldn't have ended up together. I don't think that the amount of time you have with someone before you get married is the be all and end all of getting to know them. DH and I have been together for 12 years and will be married for 8 in September. We knew we were going to be married about 2 months after we started dating, we wanted to finish school, etc, but we already knew. I am still getting to know him. There have been lots of things that changed in him and in me in all this time, but deep down, we are still the same people we fell in love with. It just gets layered with new things and day to day stuff and you just need to find it again.

Maybe you can reminisce about everything that made you fall in love with each other on the cruise. If there was ever a question you wanted to ask him, do it. Play truth or dare (or just truth). Use this opportunity to find out more, you know.

(sorry if that all ended up a bit rambly)

 

[Acklander]

DH and I chit chat a lot, but serious, deep discussions? No, not really. We're at the point where we pretty much know where the other stands on the deep/serious stuff so a lot of that goes as a brief comment, or without saying. We're comfortable with each other.
We'll be cruising this fall. Even though we're both on the same cruise boat, it's not like we're tied together at the hip. One might be in the spa or casino while the other is laying in the sun reading a book.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

You know what? Some people just *aren't talkers.* They're quiet by nature. My DH and I fall into that category. Does that mean we have a terrible relationship or that divorce is in our future? No, and no. (Well, no and I hope not!)

If there's something important either of us wants to talk about, we'll talk about it. If one of us is feeling chatty and wants to gab, they go for it and the other person listens. But there are many times -- we just went on a drive yesterday like this -- where we just hang out together quietly. And we're happy that way. After 15 years of marriage, I still feel very connected to him.

I'd enjoy his company. A PP mentioned the "cold butter" ELR episode, and that's a perfect example. Why force conversation that doesn't flow naturally?

...and have a great cruise!

 

[Frantasmic]

Questions:

1. What do you define as "meaningful" for your husband?
2. What is "meaningful" talk with your family?
3. It appears you have had some deeper discussions, but you disagree, which is fine to disagree about things. Is your real question how to resolve your differences? That is different than not having conversation. And it might be that your "discussion" might really be to point out where he is "wrong" (i.e., different value about a situation) in which, from a guy's standpoint, he just shuts down.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Here is a good example. DH and I beat things to death. We can talk about nothing. We are both talkers.

My BIL who is married to my sister thinks we talk too much. He is NOT a talker. My sister is also a talker.

Sounds like you either found your match or you just need to get out more alone and practice being together even if you are not talking.

My kids are now older and we go out alone all the time. It took awhile to get to that place but it is now our "new normal".

 

[MIGrandma]

No, DH and I have been married almost 35 years and we almost never run out of things to talk about with each other. Occasionally there are silences, but we're comfortable with that too.

Do you and your DH have any common interests and/or hobbies? Think of different topics and ask his opinion, that should start the conversation going. Do you enjoy reading books? Watching movies? Discuss those together. Watch the news then talk about what you've just seen.

I hope you get a lot of helpful advice here, and that you and your DH will soon not have any trouble yapping up a storm with each other.

 

[ICF]

My wife and I have a good marriage, but yes at times we just dont have much to say. Usually that's more of an issue though when we are just at home doing normal day to day stuff -- work, school, kids activities and the like.

We've gone on cruises together (just us) and havent ever been at a loss for conversation. We usually can discuss the day we've had, what we're going to do that evening or the following day, other people on the boat and the like....and sometimes we can just sit on the deck in the evenings and enjoy the quiet together too. You'll get seated with other people at dinner so you should be able to have conversations with them...assuming they actually show up for dinner in the dining room!!

edit to add on after reading some more posts--

My wife and I are both quiet people by nature, so neither one of us is overly chatty by nature. We've also been together for nearly 18 years (15 married), so we've lived a good chunk of our lives together and have shared many experiences with each...and by now have told most of our "good" stories. We still enjoy just being with each other and sometimes just being quiet isnt a bad thing as long you both are ok with it.

 

[brockash]

OP, I am long-time married to a very quiet, private person. He's a great guy but NOT a conversationalist. When we go out, I try to have some open ended questions (current events, arts related, whatever) to ask. He'll usually give me some feedback that way. Otherwise, we may well sit in very companionable silence and enjoy "being".

If there's something important to say, DH will say it; but otherwise he keeps his own counsel unless I initiate the discussion. Dh will never be the life of the party, never be "that" guy who has all the jokes but he has been a fantasic husband and father. Somethings are more important than cheap talk.

Since this obviously bothers you, I think you need to share your anxiety with him and perhaps develop conversation starters. I find once DH is engaged with me, he'll usually keep the chat going.


Actually no, he is NOT reserved at all.. I would say I am the reserved one of the of us. I guess over the years, he will say things that hit a nerve, its always the same thing, and we just go round and round about the same subject,neither one of is budging from our opinion..My problkem is that we are so different in so many ways,that it is hard to come up with some neutral topic that doesnt get either one of on the defensive
I mean there is only so much weather talk or dog talk or kid talk that could go on

I feel like I could write your posts. I'm also the more reserved one in our relationship, as he's the one that'll talk anyone's ear off, but that's a lot different than having some kind of real conversation. I don't have any advice, just wanted to give you good luck. There have been times that we've gone to dinner or something without the kids, and we just sit there, I swear like 2 strangers having absolutely nothing to talk about. We also differ very much, and any kind of real conversation we've tried to have basically just turns into a debate, but he's one of those ppl. that has to make others feel the way he does, and if he can't then he gets pretty rude. I have no idea what we'll do when the kids grow up and move out. The only thing I tell myself is that there are other important things to focus on, and I just try to think about those and not dwell on the thing that I really can't change. It is very sad, but I'm not sure there's anything else to, at least in our situation. Good luck to you!

 

[DMRick]

Im thinking about this because we are going on a cruise in August..

We do talk (after more than 40 years) and it seems we just always have stuff to say. However, we are also both readers, and often are just together on a cruise reading. We can also both just sit and people watch, and not be uncomfortable. No need to keep the chatter going.

For dinners, I would suggest you make sure you share a table, and you'll have others to talk with and after dinner, you'll have them to talk about (not in a bad way, but just your interaction).

Have you gone to Cruisecritic and joined the roll call for your cruise? You'll meet people in advance, and can make plans to get together for tours or diner.

At night, if you are interested, go to the games they usually provide (newlywed game, etc), and you can be a part and cheer a winner and just have fun and not worry about talking with each other. Playing the games during the day also gives you stuff to do together and you will meet others.

 

[palmtreegirl]

Sounds like the cruise with just DH and kids is exactly what you need.

 

[disneyfans95]

I always worry about the husband or wife that says, well it is ok that marriage is not great, because I got <insert number of kids here>

But guess, what, those kids grow up, start their own lives. You are still looking at your DH/DW at that point. Sure be nice to have spent the last 25 years working a GREAT marriage, because, well you know, that is who you are home with now. Not your kid(s)

 

[Arielle22]

DH and I will be married 25 years in Nov. We talk every day about a variety of things. It could be something minor, like traffic (DH has an hr+ commute each day or what happened at work or something deeper like politics. While we know where each other stands on certain issues, new twists on issues comes up regularly.

When our dds were younger (teens now) we worked opposite shifts and it took a toll on our marriage. It was rough for a couple of years but we pulled through. One thing that was tough was not having enough time with just the two of us where we could talk and reconnect.

I am a talker and Dh is more reserved. But over our marriage we have learned to read each other so sometimes talk isn't necessary when you can read the look you are getting.

OP, to be blunt, when I read your post that you avoid going away with just DH when he suggests it, I thought you may have problems down the road. Since DH suggested it and you said no, it seems like he wants the situation to change.

To say you don't want to spend vacation time alone with your DH seems like a red flag to me.

 

[sunlver]

We do talk (after more than 40 years) and it seems we just always have stuff to say. However, we are also both readers, and often are just together on a cruise reading. We can also both just sit and people watch, and not be uncomfortable. No need to keep the chatter going.

For dinners, I would suggest you make sure you share a table, and you'll have others to talk with and after dinner, you'll have them to talk about (not in a bad way, but just your interaction).

Have you gone to Cruisecritic and joined the roll call for your cruise? You'll meet people in advance, and can make plans to get together for tours or diner.

At night, if you are interested, go to the games they usually provide (newlywed game, etc), and you can be a part and cheer a winner and just have fun and not worry about talking with each other. Playing the games during the day also gives you stuff to do together and you will meet others.

Yes, I LOVE cruisecritic, and I have already joined a rollcall for our cruise. We will have the kids with us at dinner, so that is never a problem. I actually enjoy sitting with different people on cruise ships. In the past, when we traveled with family, we always got a table to ourselves(Meaning, my family, parents or sister in law etc..) for dinner. It was during the lunch time we would sit with whoever. Although I dont always talk a lot to people I dont know, I enjoy listening to their stories and such.

I know everything will work out ok. It just had me thinking thats all. I love all responses, and it does help to know that there are others like me as well. Now, we may not be the majority, but its not freakish like I thought