Nothing really serious....just need some P & PT

[nyprincess]

Just to warn you, this is long....

Ok, so to give you a little background, the father of my kids (DH) and I have been "together", but not together for about 8 years. He and I were friends from work, but he was in love with this other girl that we worked with who made it perfectly clear that she wanted nothing to do with him. He tried and tried to show her how much he loved her by buying her necklaces and "undergarments" from Victoria's Secret and taking her out to expensive dinners for her birthday. I tried so hard to show him that she was just using him, but he didn't want to see it. She eventually found a boyfriend and they moved in together. So, we hooked up. I was his "first". Things were ok between us and in 2005, we had a beautiful baby boy together. I had been living in a shelter up until then and he sat me down and told me that the baby and I were moving in with him. No problems so far. Then, we find out we're going to have another beautiful baby boy in February 2007. In November 2006, he starts having dizzy spells. We went to so many doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Two weeks before I was scheduled to have DS #2, he has his thyroid taken out after being told there was a cancerous tumor on it. Turns out, it was nothing. One month after DS #2 is born, I have my gallbladder removed after much discomfort and many nights of sleeping on the bathroom floor. DH then is told he has been having anxiety attacks. And ,of course, is put on medication. Xanax and Zoloft on top of the Synthroid. Then he has to be put on blood pressure and cholesterol pills.

After that, things started to go downhill. We start arguing more and more. Then when we get into an argument, he stops and says we can't argue in front of the kids. He says this right after he gets a jab in and then knows I won't say anything else. Right after our second son is born I find out that he co-signed for a car with the girl he was in love with from work. My questions to him about this were "why didn't her live-in boyfriend co-sign?" "why didn't a family member co-sign?" He never gave me a straight out answer to any of my questions.

He and I are both on "myspace". He has the sister of the girl he was in love with as one of his friends. The main reason I'm on there is to share pics of the boys to our friends and family who live far away. Anyway, he has pics of the boys posted on his page too and the sister of this girl makes a comment on one of MY boy's pics that DH needs to bring MY son to see his stepmommy ________ (the girl he loves name). Well, I see this and hit the roof. And he acts like I got what I deserved for looking at what people wrote about my kids pictures. As those of you who are on myspace know, you don't have to hack into someone's account to see what comments are posted about pictures.

He works at a theme park here in Florida and I work at a large hotel chain as a Sales Assistant. We're not rolling in the dough, but we were making ends meet. We live in a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment along with his parents. They moved in with us after our first son's first birthday to help care for the kids while we are working so we don't pay for child care. There are six of us in this apartment and it is getting very cramped. I told him that when our lease is up in February 2009, we are not renewing and are moving somewhere better. I've started to look for three bedroom apartments for us to move to and the only thing I'm finding is Income Restricted housing in not great neighborhoods. We can't move far from either one of our jobs because we can only afford one car and we don't share the same work schedule.

I'm not going to even get into the stress I deal with at work on a daily basis, but he never asks me how my day was or listens to me when I want to vent a little. He just mimics the faces I make when I talk to him. I don't know if its the medications he is on or if he truly just care that little about my feelings and me. He and I both know that neither of us can afford to live on our own, so us separating is out of the question. He constantly is nagging me about money that I spend on soap and shampoo...you know necessities. In the meantime, he goes out and buys a new CD every week. When I ask him about it, he says its his money to do what he pleases with. I cook, I clean, I care for the boys and I used to be in love with him. Every now and then he asks me if I still love him. I always tell him that he's making it harder to be in love with him.

Am I wrong in not having feelings for him anymore because I'm tired of being "rejected" and treated disrespectfully????

 

[lovemygoofy]

Ya'll are together but not together? Are ya'll a couple or two people that just happen to live together? How old are you all?

It sounds like your first hookup was a rebound from his rejection to be honest. You thought you could convince him to change his mind and concentrate on you. I guess it isn't working so well.

Now you want to live alone without his parents and he doesn't want to? Why is that? His parents don't have to live with you all to help out with the kids, they never did. It sounds like they are a comfort barrier for him and a just a barrier for you.

So I guess it comes down to love? Do you all have it for each other? The forever kind of love that can get you through the good, the bad and the ugly? Not the infatuation, blue birds singing first 3 weeks of love. It sounds like you all need to sit down and really talk and be completely honest about where you and and what you want.

 

[HunnyPots]

I assumed from your post that you were very young but I see by your profile that you are actually 31. In my opinion, you are old enough to have figured this one out on your own; you may have been "his first" but you were not his first choice. He didn't love you then and he doesn't love you now. Get out and find someone who does. Life is too short...

 

[hentob]

Are you married? Or do you just call him DH?

 

[kellyg403]

I am sorry for what you are going through...its tough especially when there are kids involved. The problem is, you can't love him enough to make up for the fact he may not be in love with you. The saddest part of all, is should you make the decision to leave with the boys, he will probably find a way to hook up with his ex and then he will find out pining away for her and the image of what he thought she was was also false. And its going to cost him alot.

As hard as its going to be, you need to make some firm decisions on how to proceed. If he is willing to see someone, there are relationship counselors who can give you both the tools you need to make it work if you are both committed. If he is not committed to making your relationship work, there is really nothing you can do. And it sounds like you are internalizing the rejections in such a way you think you are at fault, no good enough, not worth it. Don't do that to yourself. Speaking from experience you are worth it.

I hope that you are able to see the other side soon. Its a mountain, but worth climbing. Especially for your children's sake. They need to see a good relationship so that they too can grow up and have a family and do it the right way.

Kelly

 

[Mom2Nick]

HONESTLY???? It sounds as if you would have never even been together if you hadn't gotten pregnant. You were not his first choice and you still aren't his first choice.

He went out with you because you were there and his dream girl was leading him on. He asked you to move in because you got pregnant and you were living in a shelter. He moves you into a 2 bedroom apartment WITH HIS PARENTS and you also have 2 kids so you have absolutely no privacy. All of this is a disaster.

NOTHING about this scenario is good. Get out. Find a way - there are better relationships out there and trust me - there is a guy out there somewhere that will think the sun rises and sets over YOU not over a girl he cannot have but still wants anyway.........

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sounds like your problems are serious and complicating. Since you are unable financially to move out on your own with your boys, my suggestion is to make the best of it.
Stop fighting, keep caring for your family, work hard to make life easier instead of harder.

I know that is not what you want to hear, but if you know you are trapped for now, why make yourself more miserable?

Oh and let go of the past. It doesn't do you any good except to make your lives more uncomfortable.

When you are able to get out on your own with your kids then you can afford to make demands. Until you are self sufficient, you are going to have to make the best of it. Everytime you don't want to do that, think of your boys.

STOP ARGUING!!!! Just stop it. It serves no purpose except to make your house sicker. Yea, you get to vent, but at what price?

The obvious answer is to leave him. If youo can't do that then make the best of it.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Are you married? Or do you just call him DH?

No, they aren't married.

OP, you lived in a shelter throughout the pregnancy and birth of your first child?? Your husband waited until the baby was born to ask you to move in with him?? Where was he living? Why couldn't you live with him? Why did you have to stay in a shelter?

I say pack your stuff, get your kids and leave his butt in that apartment with his parents.

You can't make someone love you.

 

[just4today]

I say pack your stuff, get your kids and leave his butt in that apartment with his parents.

You can't make someone love you.

I completely agree with this advice. There is a difference between not leaving because it will be easier to stay, and really having no other choice. There are resources out there for single mothers. Although it will be a tough road, I would take it before I'd continue to live with a man who didn't love me.

 

[RUDisney]

I completely agree with this advice. There is a difference between not leaving because it will be easier to stay, and really having no other choice. There are resources out there for single mothers. Although it will be a tough road, I would take it before I'd continue to live with a man who didn't love me.

Another vote for this advice. Find some help for yourself and your boys. Remember, he's obligated to pay for child support if you leave him. The court can dock his pay if needed.

You've already had it hard before. You know what hard is and you thought you'd pulled yourself out of that. You can live hard again until you're on your feet again. Do this for yourself and your DSs. You will all be better off in the long run.

Then, get yourself off myspace and email your friends pictures of the boy when you take new ones. Much less stess for you.

 

[Jeafl]

I rarely, if ever, comment on posts like this because nobody ever really knows the whole story.

HOWEVER, the fact that he co-signed for a loan with this other woman speaks VOLUMES. It sounds like financially things are not great with you two, yet he co-signed on a loan with HER??? If I were you, I would take those kids and make a new life for yourself before he drags you down so far you will never recover. Plus, the fact that he saw nothing wrong with people calling this other woman your children's stepmother is ridiculous.

Life is way too short to spend it with someone who doesn't love you. I sincerely hope someday that you will find someone who will love and respect you the way you deserve to be loved and respected. Good luck to you.

 

[Michelle67]

I really agree with the others, especially HunnyPots; life is TOO SHORT to spend with someone who doesn't love you. And as long as you stay there letting him hurt you, you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to be with someone who loves and respects you. Honestly, sister, I've been in your shoes. I've wasted too much time trying to make someone love me as much as I loved him, and I was devastated when he left our daughter and I. It is hard being a single parent, but you can do it. And I promise you that in the long run you will be happier. Maybe not right away. It takes time. But it is worth the time and effort to make it happen.

Something that really jumped out at me when I read your post is that when you've had a rough day and you need to vent, he MOCKS YOU. Mimicking your facial expressions is mocking. He isn't listening to a word you are saying, he's just making fun of you. That utter lack of compassion and respect says a whole lot. The bottom line is that nobody deserves to live like that. Get out. You deserve better.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Wow..I feel so sorry for you...but I have to agree with the other posters...you need to move on. It's going to be heartbreaking...but not as bad as staying with the heartbreak every day. The fact that he signed this loan with 'her'..?? Did you even know they were still talking?? I mean...thats a big deal. You only have one vehicle, and he co-signs a vehicle with someone else... He's a sorry excuse for a man, and you deserve much better. Because his parents are there..it'll be nearly impossible to get allll 3 of them to leave, so, unfortunately it'll have to be you and your boys, but find a way soon and start fresh.

 

[hellokitty86]

Wow..I feel so sorry for you...but I have to agree with the other posters...you need to move on. It's going to be heartbreaking...but not as bad as staying with the heartbreak every day. The fact that he signed this loan with 'her'..?? Did you even know they were still talking?? I mean...thats a big deal. You only have one vehicle, and he co-signs a vehicle with someone else... He's a sorry excuse for a man, and you deserve much better. Because his parents are there..it'll be nearly impossible to get allll 3 of them to leave, so, unfortunately it'll have to be you and your boys, but find a way soon and start fresh.

I agree with this post. OP, I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I hope it gets better soon. But I would've been gone as soon as I found out he co-signed the loan.

to you and your babies.