Not wedding related, just looking for some support

[Ember]

The people on this board where there for me throughout my wedding planning, kindly helping at every turn. So I hope it's okay to seek a little support outside wedding planning.

Our wedding was two months ago and now my new husband has to leave. He was accepted to do his PhD in Montreal and I can't go with him. There are many reasons I can't go (been down that road over and over and it isn't possible), but most of them are job related. I don't speak French and even if I did there are no job opportunities in my field currently available. And he just won't make enough as a student, even with his grants, to support us both. So, long story short, we'll be apart for at least two years.

So I'll have to be a newlywed all by myself. We've already planned on a second honeymoon (a Disney cruise and three days in the World) to celebrate reuniting but I'm still suffering from the blues over the whole thing.

I know other couples have been separated before and I know that we will make it though this. But some pixidust would sure be appreciated.

Thanks for listening!

 

[Emwit27]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. From someone who was in a long distance relationship for 4 years, I can tell you that it can work out. DF and I went to school about 800 miles apart. To get through it, we visited often and spoke on the phone every night. We both think this actually stengthened the communication in our relationship. In fact, just last night he said "it seems like we don't talk like we used to...I miss that". It was really sweet.

Basically, many many many people will tell you that long distance just does not work. I can tell you that it can work and it WILL work if your heart is fully in it. My advice is don't listen to those people, and create your own relationship style with your hubby. You have the rest of your lives to be together...a few years apart will only make the time together that much more special. And, I am not trying to sugercoat anything, it is hard...but truly worth it.

Lots of pixie dust and luck to you. It will surely work out.

 

[princessdisneybelle]

My heart goes out to you that you have to go through this. I know how hard it can be. I can tell you as the daughter of a soldier I have seen my Mom have to raise us basically as a single parent. She was my inspiration when Chris and I had to be apart for a year. Good communication is the key. Doing little things for eachother. I sent Chris a song lyric to read each day we were apart. Make small trips when you can every few months to see eachother. That helps alot. Remember we are always here for you. Hugs.

 

[Ember]

Thank you! We're preparing for it by setting up Skype so that we can video chat every night and he's even found a way to stream video so we can watch tv and movies "together." He's even offered to set up a camera in his office just so that I can watch him to feel less lonely. (It's a super sweet thought, but seems a little stalker-ish to me... But we'll see, maybe I really will be that lonely...)

We've been together 10 years and I am confident we can make this work. I just don't feel like I'm dealing with it very gracefully. I can't seem to stop crying.

It's amazingly helpful to hear that other people have successfully managed time apart, though. Because you sure do hear a lot of negative things about long distance relationships. (Why people feel the need to share them when you're obviously upset is beyond me.)

 

[princessdisneybelle]

Thank you! We're preparing for it by setting up Skype so that we can video chat every night and he's even found a way to stream video so we can watch tv and movies "together." He's even offered to set up a camera in his office just so that I can watch him to feel less lonely. (It's a super sweet thought, but seems a little stalker-ish to me... But we'll see, maybe I really will be that lonely...)

We've been together 10 years and I am confident we can make this work. I just don't feel like I'm dealing with it very gracefully. I can't seem to stop crying.

It's amazingly helpful to hear that other people have successfully managed time apart, though. Because you sure do hear a lot of negative things about long distance relationships. (Why people feel the need to share them when you're obviously upset is beyond me.)

Do not feel like you "aren't handling it". It's a hard hard thing to go through early in your marriage. Sounds like your DH is very aware of how important it is to stay close. I am sure you will have lots of great advice in the future for long distance couples.

 

[pooh98378]

DF and I have been in a long distance relationship going on seven years. We met in high school and then we've done college and law/med school apart (about 4-5 hours driving distance). We talk every night and until this past year, he has been able to come home almost every weekend (we love southwest airlines!).

It will be the very toughest at the beginning. I remember when I was in that shock stage where I was very, very upset. But it gets better! We did the video conferencing at first too and that helped. I think the key is to stay busy. When I was in college, I didn't have very much to do and it was harder when he was gone. Now that I'm in law school, working, and planning our wedding, I have noticed that I don't dwell on things as much when he is gone. At first, it will seem like time is very slow, but I promise you it will be ok and it will end up going by faster than you think.

 

[dizchick]

Hi Ember,

I'm so sorry that you're upset and I know that it can seem like a tough situation to face. However, I think that once you get used to it, time will fly by! My boyfriend and I have been long distance the whole 3 years that we've been together. He's in NYC and I'm in DC, so it's about a 4 hour trip (or 30 min. flight!) You'll find yourself anticipating the trips when you get to see each other and all the anticipation is actually a lot of fun! (The leaving isn't, but that's ok). Just keep yourself busy, join a new club, join a gym, just don't sit at home and be upset that he's not there, b/c then you will be miserable. Long distance CAN work...don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It'll be over before you know it! Hang in there, you'll get through this!

 

[DisneyFairy19]

I am sooo sorry Ember... My heart goes out to you and a VERY BIG HUG your way.. Keep yourself busy on the Dis ... We are always here to help...

LOTS OF PIXIE DUST YOUR WAY

 

[almostrockstar13]

Hey Ember. It's going to be ok. I know it seems hard and I'll admit I would be going insane, actually I am going insane becasue in 13 days my fience and I will be apart for 18 days which is the longest we have ever been apart, so in a way I know how you feel. Stay busy and talk to him often! hope it all works out!

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

dont be sad....i know easier siad than done...but i think it will be ok & you 2 will come out of this stronger than ever.
Absense makes the heart grow fonder
i bet 2 yrs will go fast & i bet you can visit each other all the time....& that internet thing sounds great!

Hang in there & you know you always have us when you need a virtual shoulder

 

[Lanie]

Don't worry about it, long distance relationships can work!

I'm originally from Montreal, and I took a job in Ottawa... My fiance and I spent 10 months living in different cities, and we are still together. You can make anything work if you really want it.

And 5 months after he finally moved in with me, he got a job offer that requires him to change cities all over Canada every 6 weeks, which means we're really not spending a lot of time together... But it doesn't change the fact that we love each other! The only thing that is REALLY annoying me is all these people telling me that distance is good for a couple...

Youll miss him, but it's going to be ok... Specially if you're planning a Disney cruise together

And I just want to add that not knowing French is really not an issue in Montreal... If the others obstacles clear up, you shouldn't let the language thing stop you. Almost everybody in Montreal speaks English.

 

[DaPookie]

It's amazingly helpful to hear that other people have successfully managed time apart, though. Because you sure do hear a lot of negative things about long distance relationships. (Why people feel the need to share them when you're obviously upset is beyond me.)

You can do it!!

My DF and I have been dating for almost 3 years from 3000 miles away. The internet is an amazing thing, and although he won't be there sitting next to you, you can still see and hear him at least. I won't lie and say it isn't hard, but you can definitely do it!

Don't forget you can send care packages all the time (make themed ones for fun and for holidays!). I'm not sure if this will qualify for mailing to Canada, but there are $8 flat rate shipping boxes available from the USPS. Doesn't matter how much stuff you pack into it...it's $8 to ship. I know you can use them to mail to APO/FPO addresses, including a customs form, so you might be able to use them to Canada too...

Keep yourself busy in the beginning, and as time goes on you'll both fall into a routine that works.

 

[calanniebu]

I just don't feel like I'm dealing with it very gracefully. I can't seem to stop crying.

well, we're here for you ... and you don't even have to be graceful on here. We can take it! I spent the 1st 6 months our our relationship on the road for work.

my only other word of advice is that you watch the sales on the various airlines that fly to montreal like a hawk ... subscribe to their e-savers programs if they have them and just don't be afraid to make spur of the moment decisions!

here's some hugs

 

[Namsupak]

So sorry to hear about you 2 having to live separately for a while. My DF and I went through this twice. When we first started dating and then again when he went off to grad school and I was still in undergrad. It is really hard at first. I definitely think that the video phone calls will help a lot! That was the hardest part not being able to see his smile. I was extremely lonely at first... even calling his cell phone when I knew it would go straight to voicemail just to hear his voice. Just try to find things to do with friends. Also take every opportunity you can to visit him. That's what got us through.

 

[PinkEars7]

Trust me...long distance relationships CAN work!! DF and I have been together for over 4 years now. He has been living in overseas for almost 3 years doing his PhD...we have been doing the long distance relationship thing for more than 3 years...across the Atlantic Ocean. We only see each other every 2-3 months...for a few days each time. He is from Europe and all his family lives there so he has to divide his time between coming to visit me and going to spend time with his family. We take turns visiting each other. It is definitely difficult, I will not lie, but we make it work. Like Emwit27 said...both your hearts have to be 100% in it. We talk many many times per day (thank god for calling cards and Skype...Skype is a lifesaver ). Honestly, our communication skills are tremendous because we have to express our feelings, thoughts and emotions in a different way. I think this has made us stronger.

So...hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.