Not taking the "Bad Mom" award this time

[Belle0101]

DS14, 9th grade, is failing classes. It's not that he isn't bright because he is. On the ISTEPs he always falls in the PASS or PASS+ levels. He just refuses to do school work.

He's gone from saying no homework was assigned, to got it done at school, and now we're at "I forgot".

He's been therapy. Actually we're starting back up again now after summer break. Nobody - myself, DH, teachers, therapist, principal, school counselor - can make him see that if he just did the assigned work he'd be an A/B student. Instead he's a D/F student.

Normally I would take the Bad Mom Award but I'll take a pass this time. I can't force him to learn.

Thanks for listening and by all means if you've an idea on how to help me help him feel free to post it! I'd hate to see him on the 5+ year plan for high school.

 

[Darcy03231]

DS14, 9th grade, is failing classes. It's not that he isn't bright because he is. On the ISTEPs he always falls in the PASS or PASS+ levels. He just refuses to do school work.

He's gone from saying no homework was assigned, to got it done at school, and now we're at "I forgot".

He's been therapy. Actually we're starting back up again now after summer break. Nobody - myself, DH, teachers, therapist, principal, school counselor - can make him see that if he just did the assigned work he'd be an A/B student. Instead he's a D/F student.

Normally I would take the Bad Mom Award but I'll take a pass this time. I can't force him to learn.

Thanks for listening and by all means if you've an idea on how to help me help him feel free to post it! I'd hate to see him on the 5+ year plan for high school.

Did my son move to your house?

We've been going through this with DS all through middle school and last year (freshman year). Counselor finally said to just let him fail. I had him signed up for summer school this past summer as he was failing math and science, but he studied and got B's on his finals which were enough to pull him up to D's so they wouldn't accept him at summer school.

This year he's making an attempt to do better (so far). He'll be 16 on Friday and wants his driver's license. I'm not paying for Driver's Ed until he has a full semester of good grades and no car until he's had a full year of good grades. So far, this seems to be his motivation. He's also been told if the grades slip once he has his license/car there will be no driving our cars and/or I'll take his car away.

Hang in there.

 

[tink20]

If you could or get him to come up with some kind of motivation. Something that would make him want to try harder. My DD found her own, she wants to try out at the end of 11th grade for Azalea Trail Maid, (they pick 50 Senior girls from the high schools in our county) but you have to have good grades. So this is her motivation. If you know he can do it, then he may just need a little (or big) push. I would just make sure there aren't any underlying problems going on. (like a bully at school, girl problems etc.)

 

[clarabelle]

has he been evaluated for ADD? or learning disabilities?
Anxiety?

 

[Scurvy]

We went through this with my son for a while last year. He "forgot" things were assigned, forgot when they were due, and a few times forgot to turn them in even though we saw him finish the assignments! We decided maybe we couldn't make him care about school, but we could take away the things he did care about. He lost everything - every privilage, every video game, every outing with friends. . . and had to earn each thing back. It took a bit longer than I would have expected, but he finally got past it and he's back to being an all "A" student again. I was ready to tear my hair out for a while there, though!

 

[Christine]

One of the worst things to deal with is an unmotivated student. My DD was one of these in a lot of ways and high school was a real struggle. I secretly beat myself up over it for many years (and still do sometimes) wondering where I went wrong because she was such a bright little girl and so energetic. When she got to high school, it just wasn't all that important to her until something awful happened. Homework wasn't really her issue as she wasn't one to miss assigments but I will say that she didn't put her best effort into them, didn't study as much as she should, and if she got the least bit discouraged, she gave up.

As a result, she failed Chemistry in 11th grade. I pushed her all year long, got a tutor, but it was too late. If she had just put forth some more effort and tried to work with her teacher earlier (who admittedly was NOT a great person nor chemistry teacher) she may have done better.

She had to go to summer school and it was an eye opener for her. I was kind of glad about it. Nothing I could have done to her would have made her suffer as much.

It is really so hard to take the "let them fail" approach when you know how devastating that will be these days on their admission to college.

I don't have a lot of advice just that I know how helpless the feeling is.

 

[crz4mm2]

DS14, 9th grade, is failing classes. It's not that he isn't bright because he is. On the ISTEPs he always falls in the PASS or PASS+ levels. He just refuses to do school work.

He's gone from saying no homework was assigned, to got it done at school, and now we're at "I forgot".

He's been therapy. Actually we're starting back up again now after summer break. Nobody - myself, DH, teachers, therapist, principal, school counselor - can make him see that if he just did the assigned work he'd be an A/B student. Instead he's a D/F student.

Normally I would take the Bad Mom Award but I'll take a pass this time. I can't force him to learn.

Thanks for listening and by all means if you've an idea on how to help me help him feel free to post it! I'd hate to see him on the 5+ year plan for high school.

Been there, done that. Might even have the t-shirt.
DS (29 now) had to go to summer school every year or he would have been on the 6 yr plan in High School....

No advise. Just keep trying. That's all you can do. and consider summer school.

 

[Belle0101]

Thanks everyone. Not that I'm glad other parents have struggled too but it's nice to know I'm not in unchartered waters.

He's been diagnosed with depression and he's on an anti-depressant. Even had the dose upped at one point. His therapist has said that he is one of those kids that just doesn't care about grades. Basically he said that as an adult we can see the importance of good grades but as a teen you think your whole life is front of you, you'll have time for that later.

There is nothing that motivates him, nothing. I've taken everything away from him and he just sits on the couch watching TV with us. No going to a friend's or a friend coming over, no Game Boy or Wii, no computer, no riding his bike around, etc. It's never been enough to make him care.

Even the thought of repeating Freshman English, a required course, doesn't phase him.

I almost wish it were a girl or a bully, I could tackle that head on but no, no problems there. AT least none that he admits too.

I wanted him tested for a learning disability but due to his ISTEP scores the school won't test him. His school counselor two years ago labeled him as "lazy".

I guess he'll just have to fail but you know, as a mom, it hurts. I don't want that for him but really when you get to the end of the day he's chosen this path.

 

[mickeyplanner08]

OK, so you are right. You are not a bad mom! Run to your library and request "You Can't Make Me, but I can be persuaded" by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. If nothing else, it will help you understand that you are not alone, and it may give you some ideas of how to help your son motivate himself. You can't make him do it, he has to want to or at least understand why he has to do it. Seriously, get this book...I'm still working my way through it, but it really is helpful!

 

[angwill]

Sounds like you have done a lot to be a good mother to your son.

I have a freshman boy too and it is hard.

My son has been where your son is in middle school. He too claimed he didn't care that he had no privileges and acted like he didn't care to boot. He did but just didn't want us to know. I guarantee somewhere in there your son cares too.

Don't give up on trying to find what motivates him.

As for testing ask his therapist if they do educational testing or who in your area does.

Good luck.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Go to youtube.com and search for Richard Lavoie Motivation. It's a 9 part video that may give you some insight on what motivates your son.

Our son was the same way his first two years of highschool, then we moved. He hated his old school and loves his new school. This year has been great. He does his homework without us even mentioning it. He is so much happier. His new school administrators treat the students with more respect and give them more responsibility. He really responded to that.

 

[catycatcat4]

Do what my parents do to my brother who is in 8th grade and super smart. When he gets lazy start taking stuff away like computers, mp3 , ripstick ect

 

[tasha99]

Ughh. . . my son and I went through the same thing last year. It got to the point where I would leave work every day at 2:30 so I could pick him up and go into his classroom to check what was really assigned. This cost me more than an hour of work--maybe $100 per week. As a single parent, it was a huge sacrifice to our budget. Did it work? I don't know. His grades went way up last year due to me staying on his behind, but I can't do that this year. I'm in grad school to be an slp, and I can't leave my class or my clients to make sure he got it together. I guess we'll find out in a few weeks if the lesson stuck.

 

[momof1princess]

i know how you feel my DD12 is the same way. she lies constantly about assignments and tests and hides her bad grades. the kicker of it is, she is in the county's gifted program! she can do the work, she just WON'T. she'd rather lie and say she did it when she didn't, or say she studied when she didn't then fail the test. she scores very high on the reading and standardized tests, she's just totally unmotivated. i took away her brand new mp3 player for a week after she lied to me about a math test (she said she had no homework when she had a math test study guide in her backpack to complete) and that seems to have put a small fire under her, but at this early stage (she just got it back last friday), i can't be very confident it will last. i wish i had a solution for you, but i don't, i just wanted you to know you're not alone. good luck!

 

[themilesfamily]

You're not a bad mom!!!

Your son sounds exactly like me in high school. I hated school, hated all the "busy work," hated everything about high school. I just had no motivation to do anything. I scraped by JUST enough to graduate. I took a year off and worked, and then went on to excel at college, and then on to get a Master's degree. It was never about being stupid -- it was about disliking the high school format, the busy work, etc. It just all felt so pointless at the time.

If school is not working for your son, is there any way you could homeschool him? Perhaps find a curriculum that is tailored to his learning style, (there are reading-based curriculums, video-based curriculums, computer-based curriculums, etc.) Just to get him through high school and then into another setting -- be it a year off, or work, or college -- where he'll find his passion.

Anyway, good luck!!!! Maybe your son can give you some idea what it is about school that is not working for him.

 

[disneycruising]

In our school distract we have a thing called "school loop". It is any online systems where you can look at all assigments, homework, upcoming events and current grades.

Everyday it sends out an email to the parents showing current grade & number of O's. My poor children can't get away with anything. If they have a O they know they have to fix it ASAP & they are grounded until it is fixed!

I am so glad they didn't have school loop when I was a kid. I would have been grounded for all of my school years. (lol)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks everyone. Not that I'm glad other parents have struggled too but it's nice to know I'm not in unchartered waters.

He's been diagnosed with depression and he's on an anti-depressant. Even had the dose upped at one point. His therapist has said that he is one of those kids that just doesn't care about grades. Basically he said that as an adult we can see the importance of good grades but as a teen you think your whole life is front of you, you'll have time for that later.

There is nothing that motivates him, nothing. I've taken everything away from him and he just sits on the couch watching TV with us. No going to a friend's or a friend coming over, no Game Boy or Wii, no computer, no riding his bike around, etc. It's never been enough to make him care.

Even the thought of repeating Freshman English, a required course, doesn't phase him.

I almost wish it were a girl or a bully, I could tackle that head on but no, no problems there. AT least none that he admits too.

I wanted him tested for a learning disability but due to his ISTEP scores the school won't test him. His school counselor two years ago labeled him as "lazy".

I guess he'll just have to fail but you know, as a mom, it hurts. I don't want that for him but really when you get to the end of the day he's chosen this path.

That is heartbreaking to read. Depression is an evil monster.

Have you tried "looking to the future" with him? Going over jobs in the classifieds, salaries, going to colleges and seeing what majors he might be interested in?

I am just reaching at straws here for advice. Don't give up.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I was kind of lackadaisical when I before HS too because I just didn't get that there would be a pay off. Kids need to see the different standards of living out in the world to 'get it'. My kids' live in a nice neighborhood and need nothing and it can be easy for them to think this is just what happens to everyone. That when they grow up and hit 18 someone will just hand them keys to a car and at 25 they'll get keys to a house and things will all just magically work out That's why when I take my kids shopping I hand them the receipt then tell them how long Daddy had to work to make enough to pay that off in pre tax dollars, then I tell them how much gets sucked away by taxes etc. Sounds good to them.

Then I point out how much the cashier in the store makes and how long it would take him/her to make enough to pay for our groceries before tax, then I take out the tax and we ad on the hours. Next it's time to point out this person also needs to pay for a house, for a car, for clothes and on and on.

They may only be 10 & 11 but this difference they do get.

If you need backup just look at the census. It breaks down income based upon education levels and the contrasts are pretty spectacular all in writing. While an education is no guarantee it sure does open more doors.

 

[agnes!]

Thanks everyone. Not that I'm glad other parents have struggled too but it's nice to know I'm not in unchartered waters.

He's been diagnosed with depression and he's on an anti-depressant. Even had the dose upped at one point. His therapist has said that he is one of those kids that just doesn't care about grades. Basically he said that as an adult we can see the importance of good grades but as a teen you think your whole life is front of you, you'll have time for that later.

There is nothing that motivates him, nothing. I've taken everything away from him and he just sits on the couch watching TV with us. No going to a friend's or a friend coming over, no Game Boy or Wii, no computer, no riding his bike around, etc. It's never been enough to make him care.

Even the thought of repeating Freshman English, a required course, doesn't phase him.

I almost wish it were a girl or a bully, I could tackle that head on but no, no problems there. AT least none that he admits too.

I wanted him tested for a learning disability but due to his ISTEP scores the school won't test him. His school counselor two years ago labeled him as "lazy".

I guess he'll just have to fail but you know, as a mom, it hurts. I don't want that for him but really when you get to the end of the day he's chosen this path.

I read this thread last night and the counselor's statement is *still* bothering me. Labeling a child as "lazy" is "lazy" in and of itself, especially for a so-called counseling professional.

,
agnes!

 

[kellyg403]

OP, many to you! I understand what you are going through with your ds. My ds 15 spent all of middle school NOT doing homework, not turning in homework etc. He was a student with 'potential' to be an A student who consistently got d's and f's. It was so frustrating that certain days it was all I could do not to go to school and sit there with him.

I can tell you what worked for us was the day in 8th grade he came to me and wanted to sign up for the high school football team. I had decided a few weeks before he was not playing. No more fun for ds. I spent countless hours investing myself in his school work, the activities etc..I wasn't doing anymore because HE wasn't. No sports in school was the verdict until he shows me what he can do with school work, all homework assignments turned in ect. It was long fall but by Dec he was on the wrestling team, had A's and B's and no missing assignments. And no, you can't take the bad mom award on this one. By letting him 'own' his schooling, his grades and the success or failure makes you a great mom.

I would definitely speak to his counselor about the appropriate way to proceed since he has been diagnosed with depression. That may be one of the reason's he just doesn't care at the moment. Taking everything away from him might not be an ideal lesson at this time, but I am not a dr. I did have a friend who felt her ds was just not getting it. So, she sat him down on bill paying day and made him write out the bills and see how much it costs to live, he had to go with her to the grocery store to see how much it costs to eat. He was given a hypothetical 6 dollars an hour for work at school. This was more than minimum wage at the time. For every missing assignment or d on a test she took away a whole days pay. He understood in the working world not showing up and doing the work, no paycheck. It seemed to work because today he is doing very well in college. Maybe giving your son some time to involve himself in the reasons 'why' he needs to do well in school will help in your situation.

Kelly