Rajah
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Aug 17, 1999
- Messages
- 9,633
Either "I feel like a ton of bricks hit me" or "guess I should post an update" or "can I go sleep for a week?" or something else, I don't know. Or, the most obvious, "can I rewind life by a week and stop this from ever happening?"
I don't really feel like posting an update tonight, I don't want to do *anything* tonight. Don't even want to eat or sleep -- all food that goes into my mouth turns into rocks, and that's *after* my stomach medicine, 2 Tums, a cup of hot tea, and a bowl of soup. All I've wanted to do all day was curl up into my shell and stay there. Withdraw from the world for a while and let it go on without me while I just sleep for 24 hours, or maybe even 48. Or more.
I think each day is getting harder. You'd think the hardest things have been done, but absolutely not.
When I got up today, I really just wanted to stay home and rest (okay, I'll admit it, hide). But my mom wanted to go to *her* home and have my uncle, cousin, and DH go through some things while my cousin and uncle are still in town. I felt like, to be a good daughter, I should go too. And to make sure she didn't get rid of anything she would regret or that I really wanted. (Which, she would have done).
I don't know whether I made a mistake, or the right choice. But let's back up a bit, first.
By the time I got up this morning, my mom was up and cousin and uncle had both arrived. They were all so quiet, I was sure no one was up or here yet, even though it was something like 10:30.
Well, they'd been talking to my mom about plans for the future and how to live more frugaly and how to perhaps pay off some of the debt my dad left behind, and so on. She needed that info, but at the same time it put her under enough stress to make her heart flutter.
My mom's had a heart...something. Dunno at the moment, I'm blanking, but it's a defect, disease, *something* that occasionally makes her heart beat at an irregular pace and "flutter", especially when stressed. I was concerned about this the past couple of days, but that **** woman wouldn't *slow down* enough to not bring more trouble on herself.
Sure enough, this morning, she had problems. She wouldn't let us take her anywhere, said this has happened before when she's been under stress (that's why she had to stop working even part time years ago) and if her face was normal and she wasn't either chilled or fevered (neither of which she was), then by doctor's past instruction, she's to take two aspirin, lie down for a while with her feet elevated, and do some deep breathing or something. So that's what we did.
Normally, we don't have *aspirin* on hand. We have ibuprofin and alieve, but not aspirin.
I don't remember why, but a couple of months ago, I think when DH had hurt his back or something, my dad sent over a container with some Bayer in it and labled it. They had one of those ultra-huge containers at home, so they just sent a few over for us to keep on hand.
I don't know, was he watching out for my mom again? Whatever the case, because of him, we had what my mom needed on hand and about 15 minutes later, she was fine. If even that long.
All I could think about was "of course". Here she is, won't slow down and focus on things *one step at a time* instead of trying to do everything at once and worry about everything at once, was bringing on a heart attack, and would either leave me with losing *both* my parents this week, or make her in even *worse* health than she already is. I'm still worried about that, though she pulled through okay today. She still wouldn't let us take her to the hospital or anything, and I don't know if she'll go to the doctor tomorrow or next week. I may have to pull a fast one on her and make an appointment for *myself*, tell her I want her to be there with me, then "casually" mention it to our doctor while she's in the room or something, I don't know.
But, whatever the case, that took out what little energy I had this morning, and it took a lot of willpower to just get out of bed, so I didn't have much.
I didn't feel like driving today, so let DH take me to my mom's house. I was going to ride with my cousin, but he left before I could join him. Of course, he was also up all night (literally) last night with my other cousin who was in town but had to leave the house at 4:30 am to catch her flight, then he slept for an hour before taking my grandparents and aunt to the airport (an hour away) and coming straight here. He was rather tired today.
Anyway, after getting coffee for DH (who had to come back out and have me go with him to find the booth in the grocery store.
Why do they post the "Starbucks Coffee" sign on the *opposite* side of the store from the actual booth??), we joined my mom, cousin, and uncle at her house.
Not 10 minutes later, DH got "paged" and had to "go home to reset a server long-distance" and would "be right back." When he wasn't back 5 hours later, I finally paged him and found out he fell asleep again. I had to fight not to feel abandoned by him, because he's been working literally day and night, operating on very few hours of sleep every night, and running every minute he's awake to take care of the details that had to be taken care of that my mom and I weren't in any shape to care for and to be two steps ahead of us so that when we started to worry about something, he could honestly say he had it under control and not to worry and here's why. So for that, I think he needed and deserved the rest. For me... honestly, I wish he'd taken me back home with him.
I took some cross stitch (a small design I put together this morning to do some color testing for a larger design) but ended up barely touching it. When I got to my mom's house, I found the box of photos I'd been going through two nights before, and decided I wanted to finish looking through that. And that cascaded into me looking at every single print I could find in the store room, as well as one stash from my mom's desk, and starting on one more my cousin brought out from my dad's office. (The men aren't letting us in the office yet.)
If it'd been just me, or me and my DH, I would have actually enjoyed going through the photos most of the day. But I found one thing so far of this that I *can't* handle, and that's my mom's anger. She's transitioned from primairly shock and disbelief into anger, *furious* anger at him and even all men in general, not counting her brother or my cousin. She didn't include my DH in the list of men she didn't despise, but I think she meant to, based on what she said later.
Anyway, she said some things that tore me apart, and if DH had been there, I'd brought *my* car and hadn't been blocked in, or my *mom's* car (or dad's car for that matter) hadn't been blocked in by my cousin *and* uncle, I would have gone home right then. Shoot, I just about got up and walked out in an attempt to *walk* home -- all 12 miles of it. I'm a little mad at him too for leaving us like this (though more confused and feeling abandoned than really mad), and I know anger is part of the process. But I couldn't handle her anger (whether directed at me, my dad, or my grandparents) *before* this. I just can't handle it right now. And there was no computer connection at her house for the moment (we brought her machine to our house until she returns to hers for the evenings) so I couldn't come online, either, for a break.
There were some shouting matches, some of her ranting and raving while I withdrew, and some more stuff along those lines. But by the end of the evening, she slid out of that part of the roller coaster and we were back on speaking terms again. I actually credit her friends who stopped by for that -- they gave her about a 30 minute break in which to talk about quilting and china painting and things she enjoys and plans for future outings when things settle down.
One of the things she got so mad about was me trying to take a box of pictures home. All I wanted to do was go through it, take any pictures that had my dad in them and put those in the album we started for yesterday's memorial, then scan/digitize a few hundred for *my* records and for cross-stitch design ideas and such. I know she was just lashing out at anyone who happened to be nearby, but that hurt. It's not like she's not *living* at my house where she can *find* the pictures in the short term, and not like she doesn't know where to come get them long-term if it takes me a few months to do this, and not like I wasn't ever going to return them. Finally, when she understood what I was doing (took 3 times explaining it, at least) then she totally agreed, she *wants* that album of my dad's pictures. (Turns out we have a lot more than I thought we did, though still not as many as I would have liked).
Anyway. It was rough today.
We came home, said goodbye to my uncle (who heads out of town before we'll be up) then tried watching a movie. I had rented Chicago over the Christmas break to see (never seen it) and we thought we'd watch that. Turned out to be a huge mistake. That movie isn't the type of thing we would have really liked to begin with, and there were too many things that reminded us of our current situation to be comfortable. We gave up just after 20 minutes in, and ended up putting in Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron instead.
Right now, I'm having to fight the urge to curl up and let the world pass me by. Right now, I want to send my mom back to *her* home, take the next 2 months off, and not come out of hiding again.
She wants to go back to the house again tomorrow while my cousin is still here and go through some more stuff. I just want to stay home. But if I don't go, then I'm sure she's going to try to get rid of some things that I *want*. How can I be at two places at once?
It was also so hard today, because there were so many pictures I wanted to turn to him and ask "where was this one taken specifically?". And I really wanted to show him the smaller design I had come up with (he'd seen the larger one) and get his thoughts. And I found some pictures of some pretty cool string art from the 70's or there-abouts that I really liked -- my dad was going to show me how to do that one of these days, and we never got around to it. Now that knowledge (or, rather, my teacher of it) is gone. My cousin knows how to do it, so I know there are other sources, but I wanted to learn from *him*. I kept looking at things today and going "daddy would like to see... I must show daddy... I want to ask him...." And now I won't ever be able to.
I may have been strong the past few days, but I sure don't feel like I am tonight.
I don't really feel like posting an update tonight, I don't want to do *anything* tonight. Don't even want to eat or sleep -- all food that goes into my mouth turns into rocks, and that's *after* my stomach medicine, 2 Tums, a cup of hot tea, and a bowl of soup. All I've wanted to do all day was curl up into my shell and stay there. Withdraw from the world for a while and let it go on without me while I just sleep for 24 hours, or maybe even 48. Or more.
I think each day is getting harder. You'd think the hardest things have been done, but absolutely not.
When I got up today, I really just wanted to stay home and rest (okay, I'll admit it, hide). But my mom wanted to go to *her* home and have my uncle, cousin, and DH go through some things while my cousin and uncle are still in town. I felt like, to be a good daughter, I should go too. And to make sure she didn't get rid of anything she would regret or that I really wanted. (Which, she would have done).
I don't know whether I made a mistake, or the right choice. But let's back up a bit, first.
By the time I got up this morning, my mom was up and cousin and uncle had both arrived. They were all so quiet, I was sure no one was up or here yet, even though it was something like 10:30.
Well, they'd been talking to my mom about plans for the future and how to live more frugaly and how to perhaps pay off some of the debt my dad left behind, and so on. She needed that info, but at the same time it put her under enough stress to make her heart flutter.
My mom's had a heart...something. Dunno at the moment, I'm blanking, but it's a defect, disease, *something* that occasionally makes her heart beat at an irregular pace and "flutter", especially when stressed. I was concerned about this the past couple of days, but that **** woman wouldn't *slow down* enough to not bring more trouble on herself.
Sure enough, this morning, she had problems. She wouldn't let us take her anywhere, said this has happened before when she's been under stress (that's why she had to stop working even part time years ago) and if her face was normal and she wasn't either chilled or fevered (neither of which she was), then by doctor's past instruction, she's to take two aspirin, lie down for a while with her feet elevated, and do some deep breathing or something. So that's what we did.
Normally, we don't have *aspirin* on hand. We have ibuprofin and alieve, but not aspirin.
I don't remember why, but a couple of months ago, I think when DH had hurt his back or something, my dad sent over a container with some Bayer in it and labled it. They had one of those ultra-huge containers at home, so they just sent a few over for us to keep on hand.
I don't know, was he watching out for my mom again? Whatever the case, because of him, we had what my mom needed on hand and about 15 minutes later, she was fine. If even that long.
All I could think about was "of course". Here she is, won't slow down and focus on things *one step at a time* instead of trying to do everything at once and worry about everything at once, was bringing on a heart attack, and would either leave me with losing *both* my parents this week, or make her in even *worse* health than she already is. I'm still worried about that, though she pulled through okay today. She still wouldn't let us take her to the hospital or anything, and I don't know if she'll go to the doctor tomorrow or next week. I may have to pull a fast one on her and make an appointment for *myself*, tell her I want her to be there with me, then "casually" mention it to our doctor while she's in the room or something, I don't know.
But, whatever the case, that took out what little energy I had this morning, and it took a lot of willpower to just get out of bed, so I didn't have much.
I didn't feel like driving today, so let DH take me to my mom's house. I was going to ride with my cousin, but he left before I could join him. Of course, he was also up all night (literally) last night with my other cousin who was in town but had to leave the house at 4:30 am to catch her flight, then he slept for an hour before taking my grandparents and aunt to the airport (an hour away) and coming straight here. He was rather tired today.
Anyway, after getting coffee for DH (who had to come back out and have me go with him to find the booth in the grocery store.
Why do they post the "Starbucks Coffee" sign on the *opposite* side of the store from the actual booth??), we joined my mom, cousin, and uncle at her house.Not 10 minutes later, DH got "paged" and had to "go home to reset a server long-distance" and would "be right back." When he wasn't back 5 hours later, I finally paged him and found out he fell asleep again. I had to fight not to feel abandoned by him, because he's been working literally day and night, operating on very few hours of sleep every night, and running every minute he's awake to take care of the details that had to be taken care of that my mom and I weren't in any shape to care for and to be two steps ahead of us so that when we started to worry about something, he could honestly say he had it under control and not to worry and here's why. So for that, I think he needed and deserved the rest. For me... honestly, I wish he'd taken me back home with him.
I took some cross stitch (a small design I put together this morning to do some color testing for a larger design) but ended up barely touching it. When I got to my mom's house, I found the box of photos I'd been going through two nights before, and decided I wanted to finish looking through that. And that cascaded into me looking at every single print I could find in the store room, as well as one stash from my mom's desk, and starting on one more my cousin brought out from my dad's office. (The men aren't letting us in the office yet.)
If it'd been just me, or me and my DH, I would have actually enjoyed going through the photos most of the day. But I found one thing so far of this that I *can't* handle, and that's my mom's anger. She's transitioned from primairly shock and disbelief into anger, *furious* anger at him and even all men in general, not counting her brother or my cousin. She didn't include my DH in the list of men she didn't despise, but I think she meant to, based on what she said later.
Anyway, she said some things that tore me apart, and if DH had been there, I'd brought *my* car and hadn't been blocked in, or my *mom's* car (or dad's car for that matter) hadn't been blocked in by my cousin *and* uncle, I would have gone home right then. Shoot, I just about got up and walked out in an attempt to *walk* home -- all 12 miles of it. I'm a little mad at him too for leaving us like this (though more confused and feeling abandoned than really mad), and I know anger is part of the process. But I couldn't handle her anger (whether directed at me, my dad, or my grandparents) *before* this. I just can't handle it right now. And there was no computer connection at her house for the moment (we brought her machine to our house until she returns to hers for the evenings) so I couldn't come online, either, for a break.
There were some shouting matches, some of her ranting and raving while I withdrew, and some more stuff along those lines. But by the end of the evening, she slid out of that part of the roller coaster and we were back on speaking terms again. I actually credit her friends who stopped by for that -- they gave her about a 30 minute break in which to talk about quilting and china painting and things she enjoys and plans for future outings when things settle down.
One of the things she got so mad about was me trying to take a box of pictures home. All I wanted to do was go through it, take any pictures that had my dad in them and put those in the album we started for yesterday's memorial, then scan/digitize a few hundred for *my* records and for cross-stitch design ideas and such. I know she was just lashing out at anyone who happened to be nearby, but that hurt. It's not like she's not *living* at my house where she can *find* the pictures in the short term, and not like she doesn't know where to come get them long-term if it takes me a few months to do this, and not like I wasn't ever going to return them. Finally, when she understood what I was doing (took 3 times explaining it, at least) then she totally agreed, she *wants* that album of my dad's pictures. (Turns out we have a lot more than I thought we did, though still not as many as I would have liked).
Anyway. It was rough today.
We came home, said goodbye to my uncle (who heads out of town before we'll be up) then tried watching a movie. I had rented Chicago over the Christmas break to see (never seen it) and we thought we'd watch that. Turned out to be a huge mistake. That movie isn't the type of thing we would have really liked to begin with, and there were too many things that reminded us of our current situation to be comfortable. We gave up just after 20 minutes in, and ended up putting in Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron instead.
Right now, I'm having to fight the urge to curl up and let the world pass me by. Right now, I want to send my mom back to *her* home, take the next 2 months off, and not come out of hiding again.
She wants to go back to the house again tomorrow while my cousin is still here and go through some more stuff. I just want to stay home. But if I don't go, then I'm sure she's going to try to get rid of some things that I *want*. How can I be at two places at once?
It was also so hard today, because there were so many pictures I wanted to turn to him and ask "where was this one taken specifically?". And I really wanted to show him the smaller design I had come up with (he'd seen the larger one) and get his thoughts. And I found some pictures of some pretty cool string art from the 70's or there-abouts that I really liked -- my dad was going to show me how to do that one of these days, and we never got around to it. Now that knowledge (or, rather, my teacher of it) is gone. My cousin knows how to do it, so I know there are other sources, but I wanted to learn from *him*. I kept looking at things today and going "daddy would like to see... I must show daddy... I want to ask him...." And now I won't ever be able to.
I may have been strong the past few days, but I sure don't feel like I am tonight.
What a neat memory for you though. Your Dad sounds like a really interesting person.
