No Win Situation

[JLTraveling]

So I'm in this totally bizarre situation, and I have no idea how to go about coping with it. My father and I are very close, and Halloween Horror Nights happens to be something that we've done together for 20 years now.

This year, there's a new woman involved. Let me preface this by saying that they had a single five-minute conversation at HHN last year, and they've emailed back and forth a handful of times throughout the year. So they're not dating or anything. But Dad's decided he's head over heels for her. Nonstop talking about how wonderful she is, inserting her name into every single conversation, blah blah blah. Yet he keeps telling me that he just wants her as a "friend."

Okay, no problem. Do whatever you like. Pursue this chick, don't pursue her, I don't care. BUT, he's decided that we're going to spend every single moment of every single HHN with her and her teenage daughter (we all have Frequent Fear passes). She apparently thinks this is a fine idea.

I don't particularly like or dislike either her or the daughter. I don't KNOW her or the daughter. But I do know based on tons of past experience that my personal tolerance for new people at a theme park is a few hours now and then. I've found that things don't really mesh well enough as far as schedules, interests and desires to spend every moment at a theme park with anyone.

So I tell Dad all of this. I tell him I'm willing to start by maybe meeting up for dinner and a couple of houses, and then go from there. That's not good enough. So I try suggesting that I stay home tonight and he go meet up with her and see how it goes, and then I'll join in next week. That's not good enough either. If I "love him," I will make a solid, hard and fast commitment to spend every moment of every HHN with this woman. Apparently that's so I can entertain the teenager while he puts the moves on the woman.

Am I wrong to be a little squicked out by this whole situation? We've been arguing about this for days, and I'm tired of the whole mess. I'm ready to just not go to HHN at all this year, which really kind of sucks since I've always enjoyed it so much. But forcing this person down my throat is getting old fast, and it's making me already dislike her.

WWYD?

 

[Christine]

Hmmmmm.....

Well, I don't thing you are being unreasonable; however, I don't think you are going to change your dad's mind, get him to see the light, have him come to his senses, whatever. Sounds like he is determined. It also sounds like your dad is the one driving this so try really hard not to dislike the woman...it's your dad that seems pushy to me.

As for what would I do? I'd probably suck it up and go; however, it the two of them decide to pair off, I'd be quickly having NONE of that. Stand your ground, don't offer to pair off with the teenage daughter. If it gets forced on you than say you aren't feeling well and go home.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

WWYD?

I would probably go but then again I don't have issues with meeting up with people and doing things.

If you really have a problem with doing that and your dad does not respect your feelings then I would bow out. You are not going to change his mind and yes he is going to be mad at you. However so what, he does not care that he is ticking you off.

 

[Mermaid02]

I don't really think you should be entertaining her teenage daughter while they have their date. I doubt the teenage daughter really wants that either.

 

[Tinkh]

I would go the first time especially if it were important to my dad. There is a chance you all might have a really good time especially if you are all fans of the event. If you do not have fun, then address that later with your dad.

 

[Mermaid02]

Why don't the Dad and lady meet up themselves and then if they hit it off they can all meet and have dinner and get to know each other at another time. It kind of seems like Dad is putting the cart in front of the horse.

 

[Hannathy]

I would go the first time especially if it were important to my dad. There is a chance you all might have a really good time especially if you are all fans of the event. If you do not have fun, then address that later with your dad.

This.

Go tonight and see how it is before you jump to conclusions.

 

[rie'smom]

Weird and no I wouldn't go. Tell your dad to do his picking up of women on his time.
Are you a guy or a girl? If you're a guy then your dad is nuts asking you to watch out for a teen aged girl.

 

[tlbwriter]

That's not good enough either. If I "love him," I will make a solid, hard and fast commitment to spend every moment of every HHN with this woman.

"And if you loved me, you wouldn't force me into a situation that makes me really uncomfortable just to smooth out your love life."

 

[Tink888]

If you love your Dad and want to see him happy, than suck it up and go and make the effort.

Also tell your Dad that you do love him and because it's been the two of you going to this together for the past 20 years, it's become something special to you and how much you enjoy the one on one time you spend their together. Ask him if he'd be willing to spend a few of those nights just the two of you.

Hopefully your Dad will see how important this time is to you as well and agree. You both compromise because you love each other and want each other to be happy.

There's no reason with the passes that you both can't have things your way for a few nights.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Your Dad needs a wing man and it's totally inappropriate that he ask you to help him navigate his dates. I'd tell him to offer to pay for a sitter and leave you out of it. The whole thing is so eww, it's not ok that he's looking to use your special arrangement as a way to get closer to some new love interest.

I don't think this has anything at all do do with whether you love your Dad or not, it has to do with your own expectation that he not use you and that is a perfectly reasonable expectation. Him throwing the whole "If you love me..." angle into the mix is just so wrong. all this over some woman he doesn't even know, I don't blame you for being ticked OP

 

[rie'smom]

Your Dad needs a wing man and it's totally inappropriate that he ask you to help him navigate his dates. I'd tell him to offer to pay for a sitter and leave you out of it. The whole thing is so eww, it's not ok that he's looking to use your special arrangement as a way to get closer to some new love interest.

I don't think this has anything at all do do with whether you love your Dad or not, it has to do with your own expectation that he not use you and that is a perfectly reasonable expectation. Him throwing the whole "If you love me..." angle into the mix is just so wrong. all this over some woman he doesn't even know, I don't blame you for being ticked OP

This is how I feel too. I wouldn't do this for a friend trying to pick up someone. Doing it for a parent skeeves me out.

 

[C.Ann]

I guess if it upset me that much, I just wouldn't go..

 

[MickeySP]

Okay question - How old are U? Your Dad has been solo for how long?

I would say "hanging" with her teen daughter is kinda creepy if you are 25 & she is 14. It is even worse if you are older - what do you have in common with her?!?!?

I can see if your Dad has been lonely for a long time, but no, not cool asking you to play wingman especially with a teen.

This is coming from 50yo single female, I would no more want to hang with my BF kids for days on end and I like them!! Your Dad needs to decide if it is a date - then her & him solo or what.

 

[JLTraveling]

Wow, thanks so much for all of the thoughtful (and wildly different) replies! We ended up not going at all last night, and he's currently not speaking to me except to berate me today. And she ended up not showing up last night either (which she had told him she might not, so it wasn't an officially set "date").

I should add a little background info, I guess. I am female, so it's not quite so bad on the teen daughter angle, but I'm 34 and she's 15! I'm childless by choice, and while the kid seemed okay for the two minutes I met her last year, we don't exactly have anything in common. If my dad and her mom got serious about each other, then of course I'd try to do my bit to be a good "big sister," but at this point, not so much.

My mom died in 2004, and Dad's dated a few women since then. He's got this really bad habit of going off half-cocked though--there was a long, ugly story involving someone who tried to get him to buy her house, which was about to go into foreclosure and then let her live in it; meanwhile she kept telling me how she was going to get it set up where I got cut out of his will and she got everything. He'd known her for all of two weeks when all this went down, and while they did eventually break up he barely spoke to me for over a year because he thought I was lying about what she said and trying to "sabotage" his love life. He also planned to run off traveling with a friend of mine (in her early 40s, so not awful age-wise) and her one-year-old son. Until I reminded him that he said himself that he's not in a position to raise another kid (has some chronic health problems). So I feel like he's doing it all over again, but I realize those are his decisions to make.

I don't usually mind at all meeting up with people to do things, but after several bad experiences I'm more comfortable starting off with a set plan of 2-3 hours and then going from there, rather than a hard commitment of 7-8 hours, especially when I'm being forced to commit to those same 7-8 hours for 23 nights this month! I also have a huge problem playing wing man for my father. It's just weird somehow. And it doesn't feel the same as doing, say a DIS meetup. KWIM? It doesn't feel like my presence is actually wanted except as babysitter. The last thing I want is to end up either having to take the kid around the event alone, or walk with her ten steps behind our respective parents making out. Just, ew, on all possible levels.

I guess it's all kind of a moot point for now though, because like I said Dad's not even speaking to me except berating. I've "ruined" Halloween, been a little (lots of things I can't repeat on the Dis), and clung so tightly to my father that I've driven him away. It seems to me that saying, "gee, I'm not comfortable in this situation so I'm not going to go, you have fun" would be the exact opposite of clinging, but what do I know?

 

[lovemygoofy]

Wow, thanks so much for all of the thoughtful (and wildly different) replies! We ended up not going at all last night, and he's currently not speaking to me except to berate me today. And she ended up not showing up last night either (which she had told him she might not, so it wasn't an officially set "date").

I should add a little background info, I guess. I am female, so it's not quite so bad on the teen daughter angle, but I'm 34 and she's 15! I'm childless by choice, and while the kid seemed okay for the two minutes I met her last year, we don't exactly have anything in common. If my dad and her mom got serious about each other, then of course I'd try to do my bit to be a good "big sister," but at this point, not so much.

My mom died in 2004, and Dad's dated a few women since then. He's got this really bad habit of going off half-cocked though--there was a long, ugly story involving someone who tried to get him to buy her house, which was about to go into foreclosure and then let her live in it; meanwhile she kept telling me how she was going to get it set up where I got cut out of his will and she got everything. He'd known her for all of two weeks when all this went down, and while they did eventually break up he barely spoke to me for over a year because he thought I was lying about what she said and trying to "sabotage" his love life. He also planned to run off traveling with a friend of mine (in her early 40s, so not awful age-wise) and her one-year-old son. Until I reminded him that he said himself that he's not in a position to raise another kid (has some chronic health problems). So I feel like he's doing it all over again, but I realize those are his decisions to make.

I don't usually mind at all meeting up with people to do things, but after several bad experiences I'm more comfortable starting off with a set plan of 2-3 hours and then going from there, rather than a hard commitment of 7-8 hours, especially when I'm being forced to commit to those same 7-8 hours for 23 nights this month! I also have a huge problem playing wing man for my father. It's just weird somehow. And it doesn't feel the same as doing, say a DIS meetup. KWIM? It doesn't feel like my presence is actually wanted except as babysitter. The last thing I want is to end up either having to take the kid around the event alone, or walk with her ten steps behind our respective parents making out. Just, ew, on all possible levels.

I guess it's all kind of a moot point for now though, because like I said Dad's not even speaking to me except berating. I've "ruined" Halloween, been a little (lots of things I can't repeat on the Dis), and clung so tightly to my father that I've driven him away. It seems to me that saying, "gee, I'm not comfortable in this situation so I'm not going to go, you have fun" would be the exact opposite of clinging, but what do I know?

I'm not going to defend your father but I just wanted to give another view. I don't know how long your father and mother were married but I would bet alot of money that your father is lonely. I'm sure he was married for a long time and now misses have a companion. Apparently he is still looking at women with children to raise and even though he has health problems, it may give him purpose and incentive to take care of himself.

Having a single parent so close with a child is a tricky tight rope. I understand you live with your father and have a close realtionship but at some point things might change whether you live seperately or he finds a companion or you find a love. I think it because of your close relationship it is difficult because someone could end up with hurt feelings.

You seem to think you were just going to be alone with the teenager for the whole evening but maybe your father wants you to get to know the new woman and see if ya'll could mesh, all 4 of you. I don't envy your position because I've been there and did that with a single mama.

 

[JLTraveling]

I'm not going to defend your father but I just wanted to give another view. I don't know how long your father and mother were married but I would bet alot of money that your father is lonely. I'm sure he was married for a long time and now misses have a companion. Apparently he is still looking at women with children to raise and even though he has health problems, it may give him purpose and incentive to take care of himself.

Having a single parent so close with a child is a tricky tight rope. I understand you live with your father and have a close realtionship but at some point things might change whether you live seperately or he finds a companion or you find a love. I think it because of your close relationship it is difficult because someone could end up with hurt feelings.

You seem to think you were just going to be alone with the teenager for the whole evening but maybe your father wants you to get to know the new woman and see if ya'll could mesh, all 4 of you. I don't envy your position because I've been there and did that with a single mama.

I do live with him...because he asked me to move in to help out. We currently live in an RV and travel the country full-time. I'm a travel writer, so my livelihood depends on being able to, ya know, travel. And Dad asked to be my photographer, which I was happy to hire him because his photos are truly fantastic. We just bought a new tow vehicle together a couple of months ago after a long, soul-searching period in which we both came to the conclusion that the right love for either of us would be someone who was also in a position to travel. Neither of us wants to give up this life, and honestly, neither of us could afford it without the other's income. We're both doing well enough independently that we could rent apartments, etc, but not travel as we're able to do together.

I'm sure that he is lonely, and I've actively encouraged him to date. We meet all kinds of single women in his age bracket that are RVing alone...it's been MUCH easier for him to meet potential loves than it has for me, just because there aren't that many 30-something guys doing this without a wife and kids. I don't at all begrudge him going out with anyone he chooses, even people who live in a sticks and bricks house. But I'm not ready to be forced to mesh at this point in time, if that is indeed what he was trying to do...if he actually falls in love and wants to settle down and all that, it's going to be a BIG change in both of our lives, and it's one I'd rather not face at this point. Way too early in their "relationship" (can I even call it that yet??) to be crossing those sorts of bridges.

But if I take him at face value, he claims that he just wants to get to know her, and the teenager would be "in the way." So if I go, then the teenager's being entertained. That's what he said to me directly.

Sigh, it is a difficult situation all the way around. And I'm more than willing to discuss it and reach a compromise. The sole thing I'm not willing to do is, at this moment in time, commit to spending 23 of the next 30 nights with the two of them. I don't think that's a fair thing to ask of anyone--friend, adult child, other relative. I have my own friends in the area that I haven't seen in almost a year, and I might like to spend some time with them, or simply enjoy a night in, or hang out by myself...I don't expect or want Dad to spend every HHN with me, so why is it fair to expect the reverse?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, thanks so much for all of the thoughtful (and wildly different) replies! We ended up not going at all last night, and he's currently not speaking to me except to berate me today. And she ended up not showing up last night either (which she had told him she might not, so it wasn't an officially set "date").

I should add a little background info, I guess. I am female, so it's not quite so bad on the teen daughter angle, but I'm 34 and she's 15! I'm childless by choice, and while the kid seemed okay for the two minutes I met her last year, we don't exactly have anything in common. If my dad and her mom got serious about each other, then of course I'd try to do my bit to be a good "big sister," but at this point, not so much.

My mom died in 2004, and Dad's dated a few women since then. He's got this really bad habit of going off half-cocked though--there was a long, ugly story involving someone who tried to get him to buy her house, which was about to go into foreclosure and then let her live in it; meanwhile she kept telling me how she was going to get it set up where I got cut out of his will and she got everything. He'd known her for all of two weeks when all this went down, and while they did eventually break up he barely spoke to me for over a year because he thought I was lying about what she said and trying to "sabotage" his love life. He also planned to run off traveling with a friend of mine (in her early 40s, so not awful age-wise) and her one-year-old son. Until I reminded him that he said himself that he's not in a position to raise another kid (has some chronic health problems). So I feel like he's doing it all over again, but I realize those are his decisions to make.

I don't usually mind at all meeting up with people to do things, but after several bad experiences I'm more comfortable starting off with a set plan of 2-3 hours and then going from there, rather than a hard commitment of 7-8 hours, especially when I'm being forced to commit to those same 7-8 hours for 23 nights this month! I also have a huge problem playing wing man for my father. It's just weird somehow. And it doesn't feel the same as doing, say a DIS meetup. KWIM? It doesn't feel like my presence is actually wanted except as babysitter. The last thing I want is to end up either having to take the kid around the event alone, or walk with her ten steps behind our respective parents making out. Just, ew, on all possible levels.

I guess it's all kind of a moot point for now though, because like I said Dad's not even speaking to me except berating. I've "ruined" Halloween, been a little (lots of things I can't repeat on the Dis), and clung so tightly to my father that I've driven him away. It seems to me that saying, "gee, I'm not comfortable in this situation so I'm not going to go, you have fun" would be the exact opposite of clinging, but what do I know?

Your dad is "berating" you and not speaking to you? I would put up with for all of 1 second and then that would be it.

I am glad you did not go, your dad sounds like a complete jerk to you.

 

[Gigi22]

OP, has your dad had a physical recently? Reading your account of your father's various attempts to socialize with women, it just sounds as though he might be a bit down and lonely. A physical could rule out any illness.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I do live with him...because he asked me to move in to help out. We currently live in an RV and travel the country full-time. I'm a travel writer, so my livelihood depends on being able to, ya know, travel. And Dad asked to be my photographer, which I was happy to hire him because his photos are truly fantastic. We just bought a new tow vehicle together a couple of months ago after a long, soul-searching period in which we both came to the conclusion that the right love for either of us would be someone who was also in a position to travel. Neither of us wants to give up this life, and honestly, neither of us could afford it without the other's income. We're both doing well enough independently that we could rent apartments, etc, but not travel as we're able to do together.

I'm sure that he is lonely, and I've actively encouraged him to date. We meet all kinds of single women in his age bracket that are RVing alone...it's been MUCH easier for him to meet potential loves than it has for me, just because there aren't that many 30-something guys doing this without a wife and kids. I don't at all begrudge him going out with anyone he chooses, even people who live in a sticks and bricks house. But I'm not ready to be forced to mesh at this point in time, if that is indeed what he was trying to do...if he actually falls in love and wants to settle down and all that, it's going to be a BIG change in both of our lives, and it's one I'd rather not face at this point. Way too early in their "relationship" (can I even call it that yet??) to be crossing those sorts of bridges.

But if I take him at face value, he claims that he just wants to get to know her, and the teenager would be "in the way." So if I go, then the teenager's being entertained. That's what he said to me directly.

Sigh, it is a difficult situation all the way around. And I'm more than willing to discuss it and reach a compromise. The sole thing I'm not willing to do is, at this moment in time, commit to spending 23 of the next 30 nights with the two of them. I don't think that's a fair thing to ask of anyone--friend, adult child, other relative. I have my own friends in the area that I haven't seen in almost a year, and I might like to spend some time with them, or simply enjoy a night in, or hang out by myself...I don't expect or want Dad to spend every HHN with me, so why is it fair to expect the reverse?

OK, so you are saying that you guys are "joined at the hip". Got it.

Still does not change the fact that he can "demand" you go on him with this date.

You are allowed to set boundaries with your dad and this is a reasonable one.

He is just trying to manipulate you because he knows your weak spots. Since you guys live in a travel trailer together he is forced to live with your decisions and vice versa.