No good deed goes unpunished....

[KiminChicago]

First a little background: My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next month. My youngest sister wanted to throw a huge party with over 100 guests and a catered sit-down dinner but my brother is currently looking for a job, our middle sister is getting ready to send her daughter off to college and DH and I couldn't afford that kind of party in this economy either. So we decided that a dinner in a nice restaurant with the 18 of us (mom, dad, we 4 siblings and our families) would almost be a party in itself. I'm the oldest so someow I was the one delegated to make the arrangements.

Then I get a call from DH's parents. They are looking for ideas for a wedding present for my parents, since my parents attended the in-laws 50th last year. Since they're going to so much trouble, I ask my mom if it would be ok to include them in the dinner (now up to 20 guests). I call the restaurant that my youngest sister really wanted for the dinner and hurray, they can accomodate up to 24 people in an area at the back of the restaurant with large windows opening up onto a forest preserve and we can bring our own cake, balloons and flowers for the table.

I call middle sister and let her know what I've reserved. She volunteers to order the flowers. I let her know that I'm planning on getting a pair of champagne flutes engraved with our parents' names and wedding date for a toast at the dinner. She thinks this is a great idea and wants in on it and suggests that since my in-laws are coming, I should also call our brother and suggest that his in-laws be invited since his MIL and our mom are such good friends (guest list is now at a possible 22).

Then I call youngest sister in Michigan to let her know what's going on. This is when everything starts to go south. First I get an earful about how this is sounding a whole lot bigger than just dinner out with our parents, what with a cake and flowers and all. Then I get a second earful about how her DH wasn't going to come, but if we're having all these in-laws too, she's going to make her DH show up because otherwise it would look bad. And how could I include all the other in-laws and not hers. I tell her that her in-laws are more than welcome too if she thinks they want to come in from Michigan (her MIL is suffering from dementia and her FIL has heart problems and isn't in the best of health right now). Since we aren't sending out formal invitations, it didn't matter to me if she does or doesn't say anything to them. I explained how it happened that my in-laws and our brother's in-laws were invited -- it wasn't exactly planned that way.

Finally, the last straw. Middle sister calls me today to tell me that I shouldn't get the champagne flutes because mom and dad are planning on getting rid of all their knick knacks and the flutes would just be something more for them to dispose of. And she's decided that getting flowers to the restaurant is more work and more money than she wants to deal with so maybe we should just skip that too. Mind you, this is the same sister who didn't speak to me all Christmas day because she and I had both decided to get digital picture frames for our parents for Christmas and I had the "nerve", as she put it, to actually load some pictures into the frame (including one of all of the grandchildren, even her kids). Then she tells me how she thinks my in-laws shouldn't have been included before our brother's in-laws since my mom is much closer friends with brother's MIL than mine.

At this point I'm just tempted to call the whole thing off except that my parents don't deserve that. But I'll probably end up ordering and paying for the flowers and the cake all by myself.

Sorry this is so long but thanks for letting me vent!

 

[SCHBR'smom]

It's nice to have a place to vent. I'm sure your parents will love everything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Stop right there. You started it with including your DH's parents. That was a no-no and I would be ticked as well. You are not playing fair.

I agree with sister that flowers and flutes are not needed.

 

[Philagoofy]

I'm sorry this is turning into something less pleasant than what it's supposed to be. Things happen like that, it seems to get out of hand and you just want to say forget it but as you said, your parents don't deserve that.

I hope everything works out and that everyone has a wonderful time after all and that your parents aren't aware of all that's going on.

 

[dispor]

Sorry to say that it should have been left at immediate family, as agreed upon. There are other family members (brothers/sisters of your mom and dad, etc.) that should have had priority over your in-laws. But that can't be undone now. Don't dwell on it - your parents will love the get-together, I am sure.

 

[bubie2.5]

As soon as you mentioned you invited your DH's parents I knew there was going to be trouble.

 

[m&m's mom]

I agree that you inviting your IL's changed everything.
If there was not enough room for everyone's IL's, none should have been invited.

 

[powellrj]

I know you just wanted to vent, but I think when you invited your in-laws it did kind of open the gate.

I also hate to say that I agree with you sister. Flowers and champagne flutes are a little over kill. I know my parents are getting rid of knick-knacks and it would just be one more thing to find a place for and as for flowers, if budget is a problem, that would be the first place to cut back.

You will have a wonderful time whatever you decide. Family parties are hard. I still have hard feeling about my parents 50th and it was 2 years ago.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Stop right there. You started it with including your DH's parents. That was a no-no and I would be ticked as well. You are not playing fair.

I agree with sister that flowers and flutes are not needed.

I tend to agree, though I think flowers would be nice.

My mom does stuff like this. She has the best intentions, but she just doesn't see how it's rude.

OP, you should not have invited your in-laws without checking with your siblings.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Take it, leave it, use parts of it, whatever :

Then I call youngest sister in Michigan to let her know what's going on. This is when everything starts to go south. First I get an earful about how this is sounding a whole lot bigger than just dinner out with our parents, what with a cake and flowers and all. "Thank you, I really appreciate your concern but really, it's just a family dinner. Mom and dad are friendly with these in-laws, and they're family. Sure, by marriage, but family is family."

. Then I get a second earful about how her DH wasn't going to come, but if we're having all these in-laws too, she's going to make her DH show up because otherwise it would look bad. "You KNOW we'll miss him, but everyone will understand if he can't make it."

And how could I include all the other in-laws and not hers. I tell her that her in-laws are more than welcome too if she thinks they want to come in from Michigan Exactly what you said here: "Your in-laws are more than welcome too if you think they want to come in from Michigan"

Middle sister calls me today to tell me that I shouldn't get the champagne flutes because mom and dad are planning on getting rid of all their knick knacks and the flutes would just be something more for them to dispose of. And she's decided that getting flowers to the restaurant is more work and more money than she wants to deal with so maybe we should just skip that too. "You know, I can appreciate their desire to declutter. They'll only have one 50th anniversary and I'd like to give them this small token. I do understand that you'll be giving them a different gift. I'll take care of the flowers, too, don't worry about it. Nothing elaborate, just something nice for the table." Then, if you want to get in a little 'dig', add, "I'm sure I can find a florist that will deliver."


Just, um... be prepared to pay for everything.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Take it, leave it, use parts of it, whatever :

Then I call youngest sister in Michigan to let her know what's going on. This is when everything starts to go south. First I get an earful about how this is sounding a whole lot bigger than just dinner out with our parents, what with a cake and flowers and all. "Thank you, I really appreciate your concern but really, it's just a family dinner. Mom and dad are friendly with these in-laws, and they're family. Sure, by marriage, but family is family."

. Then I get a second earful about how her DH wasn't going to come, but if we're having all these in-laws too, she's going to make her DH show up because otherwise it would look bad. "You KNOW we'll miss him, but everyone will understand if he can't make it."

And how could I include all the other in-laws and not hers. I tell her that her in-laws are more than welcome too if she thinks they want to come in from Michigan Exactly what you said here: "Your in-laws are more than welcome too if she thinks they want to come in from Michigan"

Middle sister calls me today to tell me that I shouldn't get the champagne flutes because mom and dad are planning on getting rid of all their knick knacks and the flutes would just be something more for them to dispose of. And she's decided that getting flowers to the restaurant is more work and more money than she wants to deal with so maybe we should just skip that too. "You know, I can appreciate their desire to declutter. They'll only have one 50th anniversary and I'd like to give them this small token. I do understand that you'll be giving them a different gift. I'll take care of the flowers, too, don't worry about it. Nothing elaborate, just something nice for the table." Then, if you want to get in a little 'dig', add, "I'm sure I can find a florist that will deliver."

No need for her to be snarky to her siblings, when it's she who caused the problem.

 

[kaytieeldr]

With the exception of the little dig response at the end (about getting the flowers delivered), NONE of what I wrote was snarky. It's regrettable that it's being read that way.

Everything else I wrote is actual, reasonable, mature response to the various persons/issues.

 

[My sister's princess]

OP I think it is sweet that you are doing all of this for your parents. I also think that since you are the one doing everything your siblings can back off about who you invite. If your sister doesn't want to spend the money on flowers, but your parents are will to give a gift, maybe they could send a nice arrangement to the restaurant where you are having the dinner. That will kill the clutter issue of another gift, and provide some flowers for the party.

 

[KiminChicago]

The fact is, there is room for everyone's in-laws. Middle sister is divorced and all the other in-laws are now invited if they want to travel from Michigan (for youngest sister) and Iowa (for brother). My in-laws are the only ones who live in town and I haven't actually talked to them yet about this -- I did tell all my siblings first before saying anything to my in-laws. As far as parents' brothers and sisters -- my mom isn't speaking to one of her sisters and we can't invite the others without inviting the one my mom isn't speaking to (another long story there!) and my dad is an only child. I ran it all by my mom first and she was fine with it and she is the guest of honor.

As far as the flowers and flutes go -- my mom was pregnant with me when my parents got married, so they just went down to the local courthouse and got married -- no big party or anything, they didn't even have a honeymoon. I thought the flowers and flutes would be a nice touch since they didn't have them at their wedding. I actually thought this was a compromise between the huge affair my youngest sister wanted to have and just dinner out with the folks which we do a couple of times a year anyway.

 

[JessicaR]

I think a very special dinner for your parents is being picked apart by their children. Since some of the siblings have money issues it seems fair to eliminate ALL of the in-laws. You did say they werent asked yet right?

Also I would say that those that can afford and want to can add to the party with the flowers and flutes. It doesn't have to be split. Those that can, should.

I hope their special day is enjoyed by all!

 

[Pigeon]

I also think you started making this a problem by inviting the ILs.

I'd also nix the flutes. Your sister is right. At that age, many people do start to declutter and get rid of stuff, and the flutes would be one extra unnecessary thing to deal with. Both my parents and my ILs are going through this. The sentimental items are the worst. They serve no real useful purpose, but you feel guilty getting rid of them.

 

[Chokky]

First a little background: My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next month. My youngest sister wanted to throw a huge party with over 100 guests and a catered sit-down dinner but my brother is currently looking for a job, our middle sister is getting ready to send her daughter off to college and DH and I couldn't afford that kind of party in this economy either. So we decided that a dinner in a nice restaurant with the 18 of us (mom, dad, we 4 siblings and our families) would almost be a party in itself. I'm the oldest so someow I was the one delegated to make the arrangements.

Then I get a call from DH's parents. They are looking for ideas for a wedding present for my parents, since my parents attended the in-laws 50th last year. Since they're going to so much trouble, I ask my mom if it would be ok to include them in the dinner (now up to 20 guests). I call the restaurant that my youngest sister really wanted for the dinner and hurray, they can accomodate up to 24 people in an area at the back of the restaurant with large windows opening up onto a forest preserve and we can bring our own cake, balloons and flowers for the table.

I call middle sister and let her know what I've reserved. She volunteers to order the flowers. I let her know that I'm planning on getting a pair of champagne flutes engraved with our parents' names and wedding date for a toast at the dinner. She thinks this is a great idea and wants in on it and suggests that since my in-laws are coming, I should also call our brother and suggest that his in-laws be invited since his MIL and our mom are such good friends (guest list is now at a possible 22).

Then I call youngest sister in Michigan to let her know what's going on. This is when everything starts to go south. First I get an earful about how this is sounding a whole lot bigger than just dinner out with our parents, what with a cake and flowers and all. Then I get a second earful about how her DH wasn't going to come, but if we're having all these in-laws too, she's going to make her DH show up because otherwise it would look bad. And how could I include all the other in-laws and not hers. I tell her that her in-laws are more than welcome too if she thinks they want to come in from Michigan (her MIL is suffering from dementia and her FIL has heart problems and isn't in the best of health right now). Since we aren't sending out formal invitations, it didn't matter to me if she does or doesn't say anything to them. I explained how it happened that my in-laws and our brother's in-laws were invited -- it wasn't exactly planned that way.

Finally, the last straw. Middle sister calls me today to tell me that I shouldn't get the champagne flutes because mom and dad are planning on getting rid of all their knick knacks and the flutes would just be something more for them to dispose of. And she's decided that getting flowers to the restaurant is more work and more money than she wants to deal with so maybe we should just skip that too. Mind you, this is the same sister who didn't speak to me all Christmas day because she and I had both decided to get digital picture frames for our parents for Christmas and I had the "nerve", as she put it, to actually load some pictures into the frame (including one of all of the grandchildren, even her kids). Then she tells me how she thinks my in-laws shouldn't have been included before our brother's in-laws since my mom is much closer friends with brother's MIL than mine.

At this point I'm just tempted to call the whole thing off except that my parents don't deserve that. But I'll probably end up ordering and paying for the flowers and the cake all by myself.

Sorry this is so long but thanks for letting me vent!

Rule...just in case.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The fact is, there is room for everyone's in-laws. Middle sister is divorced and all the other in-laws are now invited if they want to travel from Michigan (for youngest sister) and Iowa (for brother). My in-laws are the only ones who live in town and I haven't actually talked to them yet about this -- I did tell all my siblings first before saying anything to my in-laws. As far as parents' brothers and sisters -- my mom isn't speaking to one of her sisters and we can't invite the others without inviting the one my mom isn't speaking to (another long story there!) and my dad is an only child. I ran it all by my mom first and she was fine with it and she is the guest of honor.

As far as the flowers and flutes go -- my mom was pregnant with me when my parents got married, so they just went down to the local courthouse and got married -- no big party or anything, they didn't even have a honeymoon. I thought the flowers and flutes would be a nice touch since they didn't have them at their wedding. I actually thought this was a compromise between the huge affair my youngest sister wanted to have and just dinner out with the folks which we do a couple of times a year anyway.

I know there is "room" but you agreed to 18. When you start changing things, you hurt people.

 

[bubie2.5]

Rule...just in case.

 

[shortbun]

Just make sure your parents don't end up paying for everything. My husbands parents were thrown/their idea a dinner at a local restaurant. Their sons planned to pay. Mom handed them cash at the end of the night and made it very much impossible for them to refuse. I put the cash under a plate in the cupboard of her kitchen. She found it several weeks later and asked her husband if he knew where it came from. They both decided it was something one of them had forgotten(senior moment). They still think they paid for their own dinner but we know different. lol! I'm a controlling wench, I know.