No Gift or Cake for B-day. Would you be upset?

[JJsmama]

Ok, yesterday was my birthday. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 sons and I still think he doesn't 'get it.' I think he forgot my birthday until the morning of the day. Mid day, I get a text message saying Happy Birthday and then one asking if I wanted to go out to dinner. Ok.
So we went out to dinner but there was no verbal Happy Birthday!! No Cake, No Gift, No Card or flowers even. Money is not tight. I think he just thinks those things are unnecessary for me... It really hurt my feelings and he basically just says i am ungrateful for the dinner.

I always make a big deal out of his and all the boys' birthdays. Am I just being a whiner and after 12 years, this is all I can really expect?? Or am I justified in having hurt feelings?

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I've been married for 26 years. My DH would be in trouble and he'd hear about it!

I do buy my own cake but he'd better pony up for a couple of gifts or at least a card and a gift card to a store I like to shop at. My DD10 always remembers my birthday and makes me a card. DS14 has never forgotten yet either and makes me lunch on that day (I've had some pretty bad birthday lunches. LOL) We also go out to dinner so I don't have to cook.

But my sister's DH never does anything for her birthday. She buys herself 2 gifts and says 1 is from her DH and 1 from her son. She buys her own cake too. She actually likes it because she gets what she wants. They live an hour away from town so they don't do dinner out. She usually cooks herself something she really likes.

I'd say something to him if I were you. Otherwise, he's going to do it again.

 

[WheresTheLove]

I'm sorry to hear that your birthday wasn't what you'd hoped it would be.

To me, the worst part of your description was, "no verbal Happy Birthday"...wth? He should have at least TOLD you "happy birthday", I think. To me, presents aren't everything, but being made to feel that you are special on your special day IS very important and he should realize that.

I think that you should tell your husband that your feelings were hurt. That way you can both be on the same page and hopefully he will understand and apologize.

And p.s., Happy Belated Birthday!

 

[minniecarousel]

This was a real point of contention between my DH & I. I finally told him that I wanted a card!! It's just not that difficult to buy a card.

If I want a cake, I will buy one myself. He will sometimes buy me a present, but sometimes I just buy something for myself.

We always go out to dinner on my birthday.

I think for your next birthday, tell him a few weeks before it what you're expecting. I know, it takes something away from feeling special, but men are not mind-readers. They need to be told what we want. Probably not what you wanted to hear.

By the way: Belated Happy birthday!!!!!

 

[bellebud]

Go buy yourself a bday gift - you deserve it!

 

[Tink888]

Ok, yesterday was my birthday. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 sons and I still think he doesn't 'get it.' I think he forgot my birthday until the morning of the day. Mid day, I get a text message saying Happy Birthday and then one asking if I wanted to go out to dinner. Ok.
So we went out to dinner but there was no verbal Happy Birthday!! No Cake, No Gift, No Card or flowers even. Money is not tight. I think he just thinks those things are unnecessary for me... It really hurt my feelings and he basically just says i am ungrateful for the dinner.

I always make a big deal out of his and all the boys' birthdays. Am I just being a whiner and after 12 years, this is all I can really expect?? Or am I justified in having hurt feelings?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Wouldn't have been a big deal to me, but that's me. DH & I don't do much for b-days.

Since it is a big deal to you and your DH has a history of not making a big deal out of it, the BEST thing to do is let him know BEFORE the big day what you want and how you want to celebrate. It does no good getting upset after the fact - you're already unhappy and he thinks you're just being difficult.

My 40th was a big deal to me. I let DH know beforehand what I wanted and how I wanted to celebrate. Did it take some of the surprise out of the day? Yes. But I was definitely happy that day none the less.

Sometimes you just need to tell em' what you want. Hope next year is better for you.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Yes, it would be a very big deal to and CLEARLY it is a big deal to you. Tell your husband how you feel. Next year, about a week before your birthday, you can drop a few hints until he gets it annually.

To some people, it isn't a big deal. The OP isn't that person.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, it would be a big deal with me....
It is not like I think birthday's are a big deal or anything...
And, I would deal with it...
But I do understand how you feel.

I know that birthdays are not a big deal in the grand scheme of things...
But, to basicly say - "Hey, yes it's your birthday, but even though I know that you would want me to, I am not going to do or say anything to make you feel special, or show that you are special to me."

So, you are ungrateful for 'dinner'??????
Dinner is just 'dinner'....
It is something that you do every night anyhow....

My husband is not emotional or demonstrative...

I think a lot men are like this...
They are just emotionally bankrupt...

I know how you feel...

Even if we planned a birthday dinner, he wouldn't be 'romantic' and he wouldn't actually SAY anything that would be translated as 'Hey, you are special to me.... I love you.'

The other side of this issue is the husband that walks in with the Walmart rose (how generic and 'convenient') to 'fulfill his obligation'... And doesn't realize how meaningless that really is unless there is a meaningful and VERBAL emotional connection to back it up.

It sounds like going to dinner was his version of the Walmart rose.

Bottom line, even if it is not about what you are, or are not, getting (nice dinner, flowers, gifts...) Even if it is really about the lack of emotional connection, the minute you say anything you will be construed as 'ungrateful', 'demanding', 'critical', 'whatever he does do will never be enough', etc..

You are right, your husband may just not 'get it'....
I think that there are people who will go to their grave and never 'get it'.

Why are there so many people who can't say, "I love you", or show that you are special and meaningful to them.

 

[Tracy Savage]

I'am sorry. HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 

[4nana]

Sorry you had a disappointing birthday, I can tell you are very hurt . After 12 years your DH does not know birthdays are special to you? Perhaps he felt dinner would suffice. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a heart to heart talk dear to express your feelings and needs. Sadly some take things for granted and really don't get it .

All birthdays in our large family are an important event and celebrated in a special way. Guess I'm blessed my DH is good with numbers, he has not forgotten a birthday or anniversary in 46 yrs. Some lean years there was not always a gift or card, but always a dinner and cake. But more importantly, my special BD wish first thing in morning always makes me feel loved and appreciated.

 

[Pumbaa_]

My dh was born without a shopping gene. It is quite tragic, he has tried and well, frankly, has not done well. He now has a permanent pass on gift buying

However, he tells me in little ways 365 days a year how he feels. We work diff hours and he always leaves me a note in the morning, often with cute drawigs. He makes dinner every day. He carries the laundry up and down the stairs since Ihave trouble lifting. Makes the beds, and I can keep going.

This is why he gets a pass.

If I am feeling like I want something special for an occassion, he will do his best. He takes direction well and means well.

In the early years I had romantic ideas of the perfect holiday/birthday. those are gone. It is 27 years in and it works for us

I am sorry you are not feeling appreciated. Some are not good at this. You have 2 choices. At a time that you are not angry, tell him why it is important he makes and effort and what you would like going forward, starting with Mother's Day.

It should not be hard to get a card (home made is fine), some flowers dinner or whatever makes you happy. Yes, you will have to be specific. Men don't think like women. We assume they will just know. They don't!

Good luck and Happy Birthday

 

[Wishing on a star]

My dh was born without a shopping gene. It is quite tragic, he has tried and well, frankly, has not done well. He now has a permanent pass on gift buying

However, he tells me in little ways 365 days a year how he feels. We work diff hours and he always leaves me a note in the morning, often with cute drawigs. He makes dinner every day. He carries the laundry up and down the stairs since Ihave trouble lifting. Makes the beds, and I can keep going.

This is why he gets a pass.

If I am feeling like I want something special for an occassion, he will do his best. He takes direction well and means well.

In the early years I had romantic ideas of the perfect holiday/birthday. those are gone. It is 27 years in and it works for us

I am sorry you are not feeling appreciated. Some are not good at this. You have 2 choices. At a time that you are not angry, tell him why it is important he makes and effort and what you would like going forward, starting with Mother's Day.

It should not be hard to get a card (home made is fine), some flowers dinner or whatever makes you happy. Yes, you will have to be specific. Men don't think like women. We assume they will just know. They don't!

Good luck and Happy Birthday

EXCELLENT post...
and I think the bolded above is so true!

 

[Ephany]

Happy Birthday!

Today's my birthday, and even though DH isn't here he made sure to get me something from him and DD, and buy a cake last weekend. I didn't need/want anything but it was really nice that he made the effort since he's generally NOT good with gifts. I'd have been happy with a bunch of flowers. DD's first grade class even made me a card, so it's been a very good day.

I'd have been really hurt if the only acknowledgment I received was a text message, especially as you make an effort for their days. It's just not that hard to give a hug and say 'Happy Birthday' in person. I agree with the other posters who think you may have to gently prod or remind him that these things are important to you and it's really not too much to ask for a card or a small token. If he continues to be dense, well I guess then you're off the hook for his birthday from now on.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Yes I would be ticked. I would buy a gift certificate to a great spa and a really special expensive gift, wrap them up and then open them in front of him. Oh, look what you and the boys got me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!! You're going to watch the boys all day while I go to the spa, how wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you honeyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I would send myself some beautiful flowers as well.

 

[terri01p]

 

[momof1princess]

first of all, OP, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i am so sorry your DH couldn't even manage to say happy birthday. my family is the same way. i don't expect cards stuffed with cash or extravagant gifts, a simple "happy birthday" is enough to make my day. however, my own father forgot my birthday for several years-he only has TWO children, and my brother was born on Christmas day, so there's a gimme. he has ONE child's birthday to remember, and can't manage it. i know how you feel needless to say, the year my mother ALSO forgot was a very sad day-i let them know how it made me feel to be forgotten on the day i was born by my parents, and neither of them has forgotten since. i pray your DH comes to understand how this lack of acknowledgement makes you feel.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It's hard to be the one who orchestrates all these great things for everyone else and then have nobody do *a little something* for you when it's your special day (besides a last minute dinner and nothing else). I would call their attention to it, absolutely. They need to be a little more sensitive to the feelings of their wife and mom who does so much for them everyday, every way. Otherwise, resentments build. If they were mine, they'd be in the dog house.

Happy Birthday, btw. I agree, do something nice for yourself.

 

[Sparx]

My freshman psychology professor told us a story about this. She came from a family who really made a big deal about birthdays. Her husband didn't. The first year they were married, she came home on her birthday expecting a big party (like she was used to) and there was nothing. The next day, she bought all of her own balloons, invited all of her friends, and bought a big cake. Her husband has always made a big deal of it, ever since that.

Its a funny story, but its really true. Sometimes you really have to explicitly tell people what you want. I'm sure your husband wasn't maliciously forgetting your birthday to hurt you. The best thing you can do is sit down and tell him how this made you feel, and I doubt it will ever happen again. Ask and you shall receive.

 

[dislaney]

My husband forgot my birthday one time. After that I sat him down and made it really clear what I expect from him. For what it's worth, I don't expect all that much but I did sit down and tell him exactly what I did expect. He has gone above and beyond ever since. I really do think men and women have different expectations and you need to make it clear exactly what yours are. If after that he still doesn't make the effort, there are other problems bigger than a missed birthday.