No funeral, would you be upset?

[AristocatFan]

This poem/saying has always stuck with me since I was a kid. It's from an episode of Little House on the Prairie.

"Remember me with smiles and laughter,
For that's how I'll remember you all.
If you can only remember me with tears,
Then don't remember me at all."

It may not have been that exactly, but that's how I remember it. And it may be from somewhere else, but I remember it from LHP.

 

[lillygator]

do what your mom wishes, this is really no one elses business.

 

[Nancyg56]

My sentiments are similar to yours - but you said it better than my attempts.

In neither scenario, however, are the comments by the person on the phone acceptable.

Does it help that I want the same thing she does. I'm an only child and the only one (along with my DH) who is caring for her. The rest of the family inquires after her with a phone call every once in a while or sends an email. Most of them we haven't seen in years.

It absolutely does matter. I too am of two minds when it comes to honoring last wishes but because you and your Mom are in agreement you have every right to mourn in your own way. When my DBIL passed away and with my SIL as well, neither would have wanted a funeral. My poor DMIL decided that while their wishes would be honored we would have a memorial for them. She was a mother who had already buried one adult child and needed to have the comfort of her family around her as she said goodbye to another son and then her daughter. Perhaps she did not keep their wishes to the letter she did the best that she could.

I am so sorry that you are placed in the position of defending a decision that no one should even be discussing with you at this time. I am so sorry.

 

[John VN]

I am of two minds on this subject. On the one hand, you want to respect the wishes of the deceased, but on the other hand, funerals are not FOR the deceased, they are for those left behind.

I know more than a few people who have asked that they not have a funeral, and my father only wanted a grave-site military burial. Most honor the wishes of the deceased.

But a part of me thinks that it is selfish of a person to tell others when, where and how they are to grieve - even if they are the one passing...

WOW, someone who thinks like me.

First; that was very rude of the caller.

Second; you are in agreement with your mother so do as she wishes.

My thoughts have always been that the deceased is not going to be singing in my ear "Henry the 8th" like in "Ghost" so I will do what makes me comfortable even if it happens to be a totally opposite decission.

 

[DizBelle]

If this "loving family member" needs a memorial for your mother, why can't they plan and have one wherever they are? You don't need to go. Your mom doesn't need to be there. They can do it on their own if they need to.

 

[dislaney]

So sorry you are going through this. I think you should honor your mother's wishes. I think if the busybodies are so concerned they should be visiting NOW. Don't worry what others think.

 

[shortbun]

What you do at the end of a loved one's life is between you and that person or just your business. If they want a memorial service, they can ask their minister to put something small together just for them or make a donation that is meaningful.
My family does not do a funeral with visitation. We have a celebration. When my mother died in May, her favorite Tennyson poems(Crossing the Bar and Queen of the May) were read by family members she had chosen and the music was celebratory rather than dirge like. We did have bagpipes at her request but again the songs were upbeat. 'No Amazing Grace!' was my mother's request, lol! At the end of the celebration, each person was given a long stemmed rose-again, Mom's idea-and they loved it!!! We had lots of sweets, loads of chocolate(Mom again) and her favorite punch. Then the whole family went out to dinner and we laughed and talked for hours. It was a lovely day but we waited a few weeks until we felt we could really relax and smile without lots of effort.
Do what you want and ignore people who want to scream at you. Hang up. Walk away quietly. Keep peaceful. I'm sorry you are having to deal with others at this time. My siblings and I kind of refused to do that-even with each other. We kept ourselves quiet. We turned away offered visits from people we knew to be attention seekers. We'd just say, it's not a good time. We also hired this wonderful woman who wasn't afraid of anyone to answer the door and the phone at Mom's house. She screened everything. Do you have anyone who can do that for you?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If this "loving family member" needs a memorial for your mother, why can't they plan and have one wherever they are? You don't need to go. Your mom doesn't need to be there. They can do it on their own if they need to.

A good suggestion if they remain insistent...

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Does it help that I want the same thing she does. I'm an only child and the only one (along with my DH) who is caring for her. The rest of the family inquires after her with a phone call every once in a while or sends an email. Most of them we haven't seen in years.

Yes, it does help that you want the same thing, since you are an only child, you don't have to ask anyone, except those that YOU want to ask. I just went through this in Aug 2008 when my mom passed away.

I was going to have to go plan the funeral alone (which I preferred), but my mom's BFF offered to go with me, since she had just lost her mom in Dec 2007, so she knew what I was going through. She was there with me for support and to ask questions of, but she supported me in all the decisions.

I would not recommend planning anything alone, but have someone go with you, because you will need at least someone to lean on.

I say poo to those that can't come visit her now before she is gone, unless they aren't physically able to, then I understand that.

Suzanne

 

[Ember]

Just a quick note to say a general thanks. After a few hours to calm down, and reading everyone's replies, I feel much better. I'm still annoyed but not vibrating with anger anymore. I'm pretty sure I can now go to work and focus my attention where it needs to be, rather than on this.

I know I've posted a lot recently, about various things I'm facing... But it really does help to put things out there and not keep them bottled up inside. I appreciate everyone's patience.

 

[Shyvioletisme]

I am of two minds on this subject. On the one hand, you want to respect the wishes of the deceased, but on the other hand, funerals are not FOR the deceased, they are for those left behind.

I know more than a few people who have asked that they not have a funeral, and my father only wanted a grave-site military burial. Most honor the wishes of the deceased.

But a part of me thinks that it is selfish of a person to tell others when, where and how they are to grieve - even if they are the one passing...

but by no means is a family requireed to hold a funeral for OTHER people. If the deceased person requested no funeral and the immeadiate family chooses to follow those wishes or just wishes to not hold a funeral, it is no one's place but theirs. I dont' see how not holding a funeral is telling someone how to or not to grieve...if the people who are offended would like to get together themselves and hold something they can, but by no means do I feel like the family should be forced to hold a funeral just for other people...I agree with OP that if these people cared so much, they'd be by to visit while she's still here instead of caring so much about what happens once they're gone.

 

[wdwfan16]

Okay, here's the topic I don't want to think about, but it was thrust under my nose this morning... A loving family member, and right now I use the term very loosely, called to see how my mum is doing. I told the truth, it's been a really bad week and I feel like we're getting closer to the inevitable end.

The question was then asked about her funeral, which I think was pretty cold anyway. Truthfully, I don't remember what the question was, something about the religious aspect of it, I think... But I answered that it didn't matter as I wasn't having a funeral. As per mum's wishes. She has always been adamant that she doesn't want people standing around in a room crying over her. She told me she would vastly prefer to wait until I had healed a little and have a nice big dinner where people could exchange stories and laugh.

Anyway, then there was yelling, because apparently I'm a horrible person for "not thinking about others during this time."

I wanted to yell that if it matters do darn much, they would come see her while she was here. I wanted to scream about how unfair it is that I have to loose my mummy and you're right, I don't care about others right now. Instead I numbly hung up the phone. But now I'm just vibrating.

Does she not want a wake or a service?

I know people who did not want others looking at their body, so they had a closed casket wake. I know some who did not want a religious service so at the end they said a few words, maybe a prayer and then off to the cemetary they went. Some chose to be cremated after the service.

I would definitely honor the wishes of your Mom but make sure you know exactly what she wants.

I went to an Irish wake, funeral and then meal after. It was the most uplifting event. They played the fiddle, sang songs, toasted to the one who has left them and cried too.

 

[Robinrs]

Honestly, my answer is, it depends. We honored my father's wishes, but before we decided we got together and discussed it. My mother didn't just want to impose his or her will on the entire family. She considered everyone's opinion and decided to honor his wishes.

Because she took the time to talk it out with everyone, everyone understood and accepted her decision with grace. That might not have been the case if she had just decided to do it this way without the discussion. Sure, I would have accepted it, but my sisters are another story.

A lot of people grieve when someone special passes. Everyone handles that grief differently...

But a FRIEND is not the same as a only child. This person had no right to annoy the OP with her "opinion" when she is obviously suffering enough.

Of COURSE funerals are for the survivors, WHO ELSE? My son's funeral was not my idea, I didn't want one and I was forced to have one. It traumatized me. Tradition should not take the place of the MAIN survivor's right to grieve the way they choose. Grieving is a process, the friend that called will get dressed, say her condolences, be sad for a while but continue her life.

The OP has to deal with the loss of her beloved Mom, something I am still dealing with after 8 years. She needs to be supported not yelled at.

I'm so sorry, OP,

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

But a FRIEND is not the same as a only child. This person had no right to annoy the OP with her "opinion" when she is obviously suffering enough...

I think that the "friend" acted like a jerk. That doesn't change my opinion that more people than just the immediate family matter when a person passes...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

but by no means is a family requireed to hold a funeral for OTHER people...

No one has suggested otherwise...

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I'm not having a funeral. It's in my will and I will haunt my family for eternity if they go against my wishes.

I told DH and DS that if they want to have a a very private (meaning just them) ceremony when they dump my ashes they may.

My mother wanted to be cremated and made her wishes perfectly clear. When the time came, my father wasn't comfortable with the idea so she was buried. I was furious because her wishes were disregarded. If you love your family member you will honor their last request, others' opinions be damned.

 

[pixiewings71]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. All you need to worry about is your mom, you don't owe anything to anyone else.

 

[Robinrs]

I think that the "friend" acted like a jerk. That doesn't change my opinion that more people than just the immediate family matter when a person passes...

You know what, NO they don't.

As a grief counselor I had to deal with the person before, during and WAY after the funeral. The funeral is just a small part of what they have to endure. Other people need to let the immediate family grieve, it's not their problem or the time to give their opinion.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You know what, NO they don't.

As a grief counselor I had to deal with the person before, during and WAY after the funeral. The funeral is just a small part of what they have to endure. Other people need to let the immediate family grieve, it's not their problem or the time to give their opinion.

Whatever - we have differing opinions. Mine is based on my life's experience, your is based on your life's experience.

Also, fwiw, sometimes the people that care the most for a person are not related to that person...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Would I be upset? Absolutely not. I would be more upset if you were planning something that was against your wishes to please everyone.

The entitlement attitude people have over other's lives is just mind boggling to me.

I am sorry you are going thru this.