Nightmares and Family

[ihearttink]

Hi everyone, today I discovered this board and it couldn't happened at a better time. I'll apologize for the length now.

On January 24th of this year my mom died. She had been sick for a long time and was living at my brother's house. She had asked me if I would consider moving in with her in her home. I now know she wanted to come home to die. My husband and I moved in with her on November 9, 2007. I feel honored that she allowed me to spend her last 2 months with her.

What has been going on since she died is embarrassing and still astonishes me. I have two brothers and two sisters, and only talk to one of each. I am the executor of mom's estate and truly wish I wasn't.

One of my brothers hates me. Mom did not put him in her Will for reasons only she knows. I can guess some, but that really was between him and her. Of course my brother blames me. I wish I could say it doesn’t bother me, but it does, a lot. I still love him and he will never put his anger aside. I guess everyone needs a scrape goat and I'm his.

Now my other brother and sister, who I talk to, only care about how much and when they will get their share of the estate. I want to scream at each of them, "What if mom hadn't died, how would you pay your bills then?" Since my mother's death my sister has been to Atlantic City, overnight trips, 3 times and my brother has been to Florida and Vermont in the same time frame. I can't take it anymore. They are making me nuts. And my sister, who I love, keeps telling me everything my other brother (the one I don't talk to) says about me. Just now I got off the phone with my sister, who again told me that my other brother really hates me. Of course here comes my tears and I can't stop them. She also called to ask me for an advance on her inheritance of $2,000.00 - she just got back Friday from Atlantic City. I have also given her $2,000.00 out of my money and told her she didn't have to pay it back.

I miss my mom so much and would give everything to have her back. I just can't understand any of this, and I can't stop crying.

Also, the worst thing, I have nightmares about my mom almost every night. In most of them she is falling down and I'm trying to stop the fall and I can't. Last night the dream was I was at the hospital and my sister was there and I whispered to her "Is mom dying?" and she said "Yes".

Two weeks before she died she woke me up because she had fallen in the bathroom. DH and I picked her up and brought her back to bed. She said she only had misjudged the toilet and that was why she fell. Then at 4:00 a.m. I woke to her calling me because she had fallen again. She had pain in her chest and I knew she had had a heart attack and I called the ambulance. She never came home after that.

I never had nightmares about my dad's death and can't understand what is going on. I keep asking mom for a sign that she is o.k. and all I get are these awful dreams.

We leave for Disney in 5 weeks and I keep going back and forth about it. Sometimes I'm sure I want to go, but right now I could care less. I haven't really planned anything. Usually a trip to Disney is a huge deal to me, planning, exciting. Right now nothing is planned, I could care less.

I guess what I want to know, has anyone else had nightmares after a death? The consistency of them is what scares me. I've never had multiple dreams about anything before, and I am finding it harder to cope with each one I get. Has this happened to anyone else? If it did, is there anything I can do to stop them?

Thanks for listening.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I'm sure the nightmares are associated with everything you are going through right now. Have you had time to grieve for you mother with all this going on??? I pray that you will find peace from your nightmares and I pray for your siblings too. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. My parents just recently informed me that I am executor of their estate... not my older sister. I know there will be problems too when the time comes and she and her hubby find out. My parents have already made it to where we will get money in installments and not all at once because of my sister's way of spending.

Again I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and the problems you are facing. May God clear a path for you so you may rest easy again.

 

[ihearttink]

I'm sure the nightmares are associated with everything you are going through right now. Have you had time to grieve for you mother with all this going on??? I pray that you will find peace from your nightmares and I pray for your siblings too. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. My parents just recently informed me that I am executor of their estate... not my older sister. I know there will be problems too when the time comes and she and her hubby find out. My parents have already made it to where we will get money in installments and not all at once because of my sister's way of spending.

Again I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and the problems you are facing. May God clear a path for you so you may rest easy again.

Thank you. No, I haven't really had any time to grieve, all the other issues just muddle everything. I'm sure your parents picked you to be executor because you are the most responsible. They were smart to have the inheritance disbursed in installments. I hope your sister won't give you a problem, but if her spending is a concern, like mine, she will.

 

[kimis]

I am so sorry for your loss and the problems you are going through. It will get easier. My mom passed 22 months ago in my home. I, too, am the power of attorney. It was not a job I applied for but she felt I could handle it so did the best I could. While I didn't go through the problems you have had to face I did have other hurdles that I had face.

I just took it one day at a time and said a lot of prayers.

I am responding to your post for one main reason---KEEP YOUR DISNEY TRIP!! It will be good for you. I had a disneyworld trip planned for many months before mom passed and it was for 7 weeks after she passed. She made me promise before she passed that I would still go. Well dh and I did go. It was a nice trip and I needed it. It was a different trip but a good trip. One day I found myself in Goofys candy shop looking for favorite candy and than almost chuckled when I realized she was in heaven probably laughing at me for being so dense.

I am a dreamer. Remember a lot of times our dreams are our fears. Remind yourself that your mom had you the last couple of months she was here and she knew you could handle her estate. There isn't anything you could do to prevent her falling or her death. Believe me I have gone over my moms passing a million times since she left. I fell asleep the last hour of her life and for months I wondered if I had stay awake could I have done something? I am realizing that I couldn't do anything to stop death but she did leave me with a ton of memories.

Just for the record my mom has been gone for 22 months and I know she is heaven BUT I still want a sign that she is okay. Every now and then I will hear a song or see a rainbow or smell a smell that she liked and I will think about all those memories again. I know in my head she is so much better off but my heart still has a whole in it. The whole will always be there but the memories will eventually take over the pain you are feeling right now.

Hang in there. Take your trip! Remember you have lots of friends here who will pray for you and send you lots of pixie dust. We will listen if you just need to vent also.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[DVC Kathy]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think it is extra hard when you lose your last parent. You were - and continue to be - there for your mother when she needed you. Just hang on to that.

It sounds like when you lost your mother, you also lost your family of origin as you knew it. Perhaps some part of you feels you should be able to bring everyone (or almost everyone) together as a family, and your dreams are your subconscious' way of letting it out. You can't do that, and you shouldn't try. You may be expecting that of yourself, but I'm sure your mother isn't.

Take care of yourself right now. That includes your trip to Disney. Take time to grieve. Tell you sister to stop telling you all the hateful things your brother is saying. If you have to, tell her to stop, and that if she doesn't stop you will hang up on her. Then just say goodbye and gently hang up the phone.

I understand being embarassed by your family, and their behavior. We lost my mother in April, 2001. My mother had named the oldest of my three "baby" brothers and I coexecutors, just so it wouldn't be me against my brothers. My family was a disaster. The middle one, who has addiction issues, was living in my mother's house when she died. Since he was one of the beneficiaries, we had to be careful how we got him out of the house. At our first meeting with the lawyer, my co-executor said we should just set fire to the house to get my middle brother to leave. In front of a lawyer! My youngest brother (with whom I was closest) couldn't understand why we didn't remove the middle brother forcibly. It took a long time before we became close again. It was over a year before we sold the house. Three days later, I ended up in the hospital for a week. I've given up being embarassed by my siblings. It's just the way things are.

Talk to your husband, find a group to help with the grieving process (perhaps through your local hospital or community center), and hold your head up high. You are not responsible for your mother's choices, and you are not responsible for your siblings' behaviors and beliefs.

Hang in there.

I'm here if you want to talk.

Kathy

 

[ihearttink]

It sounds like when you lost your mother, you also lost your family of origin as you knew it. Perhaps some part of you feels you should be able to bring everyone (or almost everyone) together as a family, and your dreams are your subconscious' way of letting it out. You can't do that, and you shouldn't try. You may be expecting that of yourself, but I'm sure your mother isn't.
Kathy

You have absolutely summed up my feelings for me. You have stated exactly what has been going on inside of me and I didn't know that until your post. I had thought this loss would have brought us closer, but I have learned the hard way that isn't going to happen.

I am so sorry about your situation with being co-executors of your mom's estate. May I ask how you landed in the hospital? Was it the stress? I used to work for lawyers so I will say your brother's comment about burning the house down wouldn't have fazed my bosses. You wouldn't believe how bad some cases get.

In the beginning of the estate when my siblings made remarks and and were angry I was in disbelief. My 23 year old daughter looked at me and said mom, it's about the money. I said no, it's because grandma died. She said mom, it's always about the money. I have sinced learned she is correct .

 

[safetymom]

KEEP YOUR DISNEY TRIP!!! I am so sorry for your loss. You would think a death would bring a family together but that usually doesn't happen. Everyone is grieving in their own way and sometimes they don't act right.

Take time for yourself. Don't let them get to you. Please take comfort in your memories. Sometimes you need to handle life minutes at a time. Do things according to your time table and feelings.

It does get softer in time.

 

[Elfstar]

I, too, am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in 1990 suddenly - I lost my stepmother a year ago April after an illness. I miss them both so much.

Please go to Disney and enjoy yourself and RELAX! You need some time away from the situation. Go back relaxed and just tell everyone that if they don't like what you're doing, you'll have the court appoint a stranger to finish taking care of the estate for you. Then you won't be the brunt of their anger and greed, and you can relax altogether.

 

[Rustysmom]

I'm so sorry about your mom and all the stress about money and family that you're going through.

My mom died in March and I have nightmares sometimes. She died in my house of cancer and I don't ever think I'll forget her last day and how she looked and how much pain she was in, and I'm haunted about how maybe I should have done things differently. Hospice was awful for us and I really wish she would have passed away in a hospital, where maybe they could have controlled her pain better. She wanted to die in her house and didn't even get to do that.

I think you should go to Disney, but I know how you feel. I went twice last year before we knew she was sick, but if I had a trip planned for this year, I know I wouldn't be excited and I would probably cry my eyes out when I got there. In my case, I think my mom didn't let on how much pain she had because she knew we were going to Disney and didn't want to ruin our trips. But maybe once you get there, it'll take your mind off things for a while.

 

[DVC Kathy]

You have absolutely summed up my feelings for me. You have stated exactly what has been going on inside of me and I didn't know that until your post. I had thought this loss would have brought us closer, but I have learned the hard way that isn't going to happen.

I am so sorry about your situation with being co-executors of your mom's estate. May I ask how you landed in the hospital? Was it the stress? I used to work for lawyers so I will say your brother's comment about burning the house down wouldn't have fazed my bosses. You wouldn't believe how bad some cases get.
: .

I'm glad my experience can help you a little.

It was definitely stress induced. I can laugh about it - most of the time - now.

I sent you a pm with more details.

Kathy

 

[baby]

Lord,

Help this family to forgive and live in peace with one another.
Fill them with that peace which the world can never give.
We ask this in Jesus' name.

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

 

[ihearttink]

Lord,

Help this family to forgive and live in peace with one another.
Fill them with that peace which the world can never give.
We ask this in Jesus' name.

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

Thank you so much.

And thank you all of you for your replies.

I'm going to Disney, DH won't let me back out, and I'm sure I need it more than anything. I'm not going to pressure myself into we have to do this, we have to see that. This will just be a AHHH I can breath Disney trip. Only my DD will have out #. No other interruptions allowed!

 

[nannerbadnanner]

My dad died in January this year, and I have also been appalled at the way my sister's have acted. Because of a petty argument with my mom, they refused to come to the funeral. It was terrible. I feel like I am the one having to pick up the pieces for everyone, and it is a heavy burden to bear.

I am sorry your family is putting you through. I know my sisters aren't bad people so I think they avoided the funeral because they just couldn't deal with my dad's illness and death. Maybe being petty distracts your siblings from their grief. I do think you should set boundaries. Maybe limit phone calls until you are ready to deal with them. You don't have to be on their schedule. You need time to grieve and process this.

I will also be at WDW in about 5 weeks. If we run into each other, I will give you a hug for real.

 

[Pumbaa_]

I hope you have an attorney helping you with probate. If you do not, GET ONE NOW! Both my parents were executors of their parents estates (neither of which was significant). Both ended with siblings not speaking to them, as if it was their fault they did not get what they expected in the time they expected

Also, with an attorney you can 'blame' the attorney for not being able to advance any money, or if it is advanced, the attorney can require a singed note to be deducted at the end.

Good luck, this too will pass and take your disney trip, remember your mom in the better times. I hope you find peace

 

[TinkerCarol]

I too am so sorry for your lost. I lost my mom 13 months ago. I have two sisters, and it has ben a nightmare! I also thought it would bring us closer, but it has just caused battles and constant bitterness. 2 weeks after my Mom passed away my husband and I went on a planned vacation. It was the very best thing I could have done for myself!!!! It was a refreshing time of peace and fun that I desperately needed. Here is a little part of a plack I have on my desk - You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, Or you can do what she'd want: Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On! My husband lost his dad 18 months ago and is going through the worst time with his sister also. It just boggles the mind! Prayers and Pixie Dust coming your way.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

First and foremost, I am sorry for the loss of you Mom and I agree with the others you need to get out of town and have some fun. From what I read you have been under a lot of pressure, and our subconscious does not let us escape that......I find that brings on nightmares for sure. I think the feeling of falling sometimes is equated with a feeling of helplessness and that we are not properly in control of our lives.. that is for you to feel the falling.. not sure about dreaming about Mom falling, maybe a combination of missing her and the feeling of no control.. I have a book of dreams I sometimes consult.

Familes and money, and executors of estates that is sometimes a set up for hurt feelings, no matter what you do you might not be able to please the others. I have seen in my own family siblings stop speaking to each over estates...In my personal family, when my Mom passed my brother and I split everything down the middle, moneywise, maybe on the material things, not as well, but the jewelry that was my Mom's personally and that I had given her came back to me, that is all I cared about for my own daughters. What they gave her, I did not want, it was their's as far as I was concerned.....my brother was the Executor and I felt he was fair.

I am sorry that you are going through this right now.. and now I am thinking of my own personal family and the fact that I have one daughter as Executor in charge of the estate. I wanted my daughters to be in charge of what is left in the estate, but DH and I do have a trust set up and a very clear will....Where money is concerned, sometimes people forget, good manners go out the window and it becomes about the almighty buck.. I am sorry that this is happening to you.

Please take care of yourself, and I would not listen to any more talk about who hates who and why....you did what your Mother asked you to do and they have to accept that.

Hugs!!!!

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

I am so sorry on the loss of your Mom.

My Mom passed away almost 10 years ago from pancreatic cancer. I took care of her during her illness, was with her when she died, and handled her estate.

It was so hard going through her house after she passed. My siblings & I split up the furniture and some mementos and kept as much as we could but we donated alot of her things to charity.

A few months after her things were gone, her house was sold, and her remaining money was divied up among us kids I started having dreams where my Mom was alive. I felt this panic and I'd say to her 'How are you here? You died. I gave all your stuff away." It was such a terrible feeling. And in the dream I was trying to figure out how to get her things back.

The dreams eventually stopped but they really bothered me while they lasted.

 

[ihearttink]

I am so sorry on the loss of your Mom.

My Mom passed away almost 10 years ago from pancreatic cancer. I took care of her during her illness, was with her when she died, and handled her estate.

It was so hard going through her house after she passed. My siblings & I split up the furniture and some mementos and kept as much as we could but we donated alot of her things to charity.

A few months after her things were gone, her house was sold, and her remaining money was divied up among us kids I started having dreams where my Mom was alive. I felt this panic and I'd say to her 'How are you here? You died. I gave all your stuff away." It was such a terrible feeling. And in the dream I was trying to figure out how to get her things back.

The dreams eventually stopped but they really bothered me while they lasted.

Sorry about your mom. It sounds like your dreams are as "real" as mine. I hate how real they seem, like you trying to figure out how to get your mom's stuff back. I have to say that after posting this thread and getting very good advice, my nightmares have seemed to stop. AMEN!

 

[lookingforward]

My mom died suddenly on June 16th. My dad is trying to cope with losing his love of 50 years. Its not easy. I have not had nightmares but rather dreams where my mom is visiting me. Its weird but not scary. I try to do some relaxation exercises before sleeping to ease my grief. I am very depressed without her, she was my best friend and was only sick for a week before having a fatal stroke.

Do your job as executor and don't look back. Remember you are doing what your beloved mom wanted. Thats a huge gift to her. Go on your disney trip too. You need the break!

 

[LuvOrlando]

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