Newly DXed Autistic son..now some questions or maybe just HELP

[isyne4u]

My son was offically diagnosed yesterday with high functioning autisim. Prior to this he was DXed with ADHD, ODD, and anxiety. So now I have to figure out if/how I need to change my discipline and my mind set.

For some background...My ds is almost 7, I have said since he was little that something wasn't right but couldn't get anyone to listen to me. He was finally evaluated for ADHD at age 4 (whew!). But since then I have been fighting with his behaviors and the cause of them. He was said to be ODD over a year ago and we began counseling to try and correct the problems. He also has some serious anxiety issues and when he gets upset about something he cannot let go of it. (ex..the other day at a restaurant he spent almost 45 minutes worrying about the trash outside the window on the ground).

I have had some real issues dealing with his behavior and I become very frustrated with him and question why I can't handle my own child but I can deal with a class full of learning disabled/emotionally disturbed middle schoolers. I blame his ignoring of instructions, his tantrums, his getting into things, and lying all on his ADHD and ODD.

So now I don't know if these are things that can be handled through the same discipline strategies as before or if these are things I need to handle differently. So my simple plea is....HELP

We go see the neurodevelopmental pediatrician on March 5 and she said she would probably put him on Respridol. This is supposed to help with some of the behaviors and such.

sorry this is long and rambling! Thanks in advance.

 

[Forevryoung]

Your quest for an appropriate diagnosis is over and hopefully now your son can get the help that he needs. A diagnosis does not change who your son is though. If something didn't work before, it's not going to work now and the things that have helped will still help. You know your son best.

Instead of "blaming" what about putting some new "rules" for yourself into effect. You might not be able to change his behavior (some of it comes with age) but you can change your own.

If you are in a place where you can walk away from the situation and he will still be safe, take five minutes to yourself and give him time to calm down. You never have to stand for lying. Does he know the difference between telling the truth and lying. Is he aware of the consequences of telling a lie? If he has autism, these things need to be spelled out for him. Autism deals with social skills.

When he fixates on things (such as the trash outside) try to engage him in other conversation or activity but try not to let it bother you (easier said than done). I obsess about things as well and it doesn't bother me so much as it bothers everyone else who i talk to (because thats all i talk about).

 

[Luv Bunnies]

why I can't handle my own child but I can deal with a class full of learning disabled/emotionally disturbed middle schoolers.

I can address this question. (I'm assuming you work with special ed middle schoolers?) My DS11 has Asperger's. He was diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder at 3 and the Asperger's component became apparent when he was 7. He went to a special ed preschool class when he was 5, but has been mainstreamed since kindergarten.

I started working in the same special ed preschool class the year after my son was in it and I've been working there as a teaching assistant ever since (now in my 5th year). I find that I have endless patience for the kids in my class. I will spend an hour redirecting a child until they behave appropriately and I won't get anxious. I've been hit, kicked, bitten and head-butted. But I keep doing back, day after day, for more! With my own son, I get more frustrated when he can't grasp a concept and I seem to have less patience with bad behavior. Why is this?

I've talked about this at great length with the other assistants in our program. Most of us who work there has a special needs child of our own - that's why we get into this line of work. We all agreed that it's because we are so emotionally invested in our own children that it's often hard to see the big picture. When our children misbehave, we take it very personally. We might even subconsiously blame ourselves for our own child's behavior.

With the kids in our class, we don't take their behavior or lack of skills personally. We're there to help them. We love our students, but we're not emotionally invested as we are with our own kids. We want to see our students succeed, but we don't take it personally when they don't. We might think about our students when we get home, but we don't take them home with us.

Our own kids are the centers of our lives and we love them, worry about them and even obsess over them. We take their successes and failures very personally. I think that's why some of us who work with special ed kids feel we have more patience with them than we do with our own kids. It's not a bad thing. It just means you're a good teacher and a good parent!

 

[isyne4u]

Instead of "blaming" what about putting some new "rules" for yourself into effect. You might not be able to change his behavior (some of it comes with age) but you can change your own.

If you are in a place where you can walk away from the situation and he will still be safe, take five minutes to yourself and give him time to calm down. You never have to stand for lying. Does he know the difference between telling the truth and lying. Is he aware of the consequences of telling a lie? If he has autism, these things need to be spelled out for him. Autism deals with social skills.

When he fixates on things (such as the trash outside) try to engage him in other conversation or activity but try not to let it bother you (easier said than done). I obsess about things as well and it doesn't bother me so much as it bothers everyone else who i talk to (because thats all i talk about).

I like the idea of new rules for myself. I am trying harder to not get upset but to give him reasons why he is not allowed to do what he has done. Which of course goes directly against the 1,2,3 Magic approach that we have been using (this technique works some times...not always tho)

I've done the redirection thing for when he is doing something he is not supposed to but I didn't think of trying to redirect him those cases. i felt like I was stepping on his feelings by not letting him go with it. Does that make any sense at all??

I can address this question. (I'm assuming you work with special ed middle schoolers?) My DS11 has Asperger's. He was diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder at 3 and the Asperger's component became apparent when he was 7. He went to a special ed preschool class when he was 5, but has been mainstreamed since kindergarten.

I started working in the same special ed preschool class the year after my son was in it and I've been working there as a teaching assistant ever since (now in my 5th year). I find that I have endless patience for the kids in my class. I will spend an hour redirecting a child until they behave appropriately and I won't get anxious. I've been hit, kicked, bitten and head-butted. But I keep doing back, day after day, for more! With my own son, I get more frustrated when he can't grasp a concept and I seem to have less patience with bad behavior. Why is this?

I've talked about this at great length with the other assistants in our program. Most of us who work there has a special needs child of our own - that's why we get into this line of work. We all agreed that it's because we are so emotionally invested in our own children that it's often hard to see the big picture. When our children misbehave, we take it very personally. We might even subconsiously blame ourselves for our own child's behavior.

With the kids in our class, we don't take their behavior or lack of skills personally. We're there to help them. We love our students, but we're not emotionally invested as we are with our own kids. We want to see our students succeed, but we don't take it personally when they don't. We might think about our students when we get home, but we don't take them home with us.

Our own kids are the centers of our lives and we love them, worry about them and even obsess over them. We take their successes and failures very personally. I think that's why some of us who work with special ed kids feel we have more patience with them than we do with our own kids. It's not a bad thing. It just means you're a good teacher and a good parent!

You are right I do teach special ed middle schoolers and I have much more patience with them and don't let them get to me like I do my own.

Thank you for the responses!!

tara

 

[missypie]

Interesting that someone else mentioned a new set of rules-for you. That is what I was going to say. Our Aspie wasn't diagnosed until he was 10. He had such a temper....nothing ever just "rolled right off of him." Things got a lot calmer once we knew a few rules.

Rule no. 1: What is begun MUST be completed.

It would be Saturday morning and the kids would have the TV on. When it was time to leave the house, we'd just flip off the TV and DS would go nuts. Remember Rule no. 1. Once we knew the Rule, if we knew we would have to leave before a show was over, we'd not let him start the show; as he got older we'd tell him that he wouldn't be able to finish it. And as for commercials, unless the house in on fire, there is always time to let a kid finish watching a commericial. I am certainly wiling to stand there at the door for another 20 seconds to avoid a melt down.

Rule no. 2: He is not going to "pick up" what everyone else picks up. He'll always be a bit "clueless."

When you think about it, much of what we know is not told to us directly. We overhear it, we read it, etc. DS NEVER knows what is going on. The other two kids will know that we are having company for dinner and DS will be surprised when the company arrives.

Can you imagine how frustrated you'd get if your life was one of constant-and often stressful - surprises? A "surprise" test; a "surprise" dentist appointment. As much as possible, we get DS's attention and look at him directly and tell him what is going on. It helps with everyone's stress level.

Rule no. 3: Plans, once communicated, cannot be changed.

Once DS DOES know what is going on, it is stressful for him if the plans change. Sometimes it can't be helped, but be mindful of this if your famiy does things on whims. Even a change of plans for the better can be upsetting for the child. I remember when we were going to go out for dinner after we picked DS up from something or other. While DS was at his activity, we decided to go to a different restaurant. Even though DS usually likes the second restaurant better, the change in plans was stressful for him.

I'm not saying to walk on eggshells with you son. I'm just saying that if you are aware of some of the things that distress him and work around them to the extent possible, life will be more pleasant for everyone.

 

[Goofyluver]

My DS (10) has been diagnosed with a neurologic abnormality...the same one that the real life Rain Man was diagnosed with. Although he has not been officially diagnosed as "autistic", we have been told that he lies somewhere on the spectrum. For the past year, we have been dealing with lots of behaviors.

Just this past weekend, he had a full-out fit at a friend's house, something he has never done. I was horrified. I found myself making excuses for him and for myself. I was so embarassed and upset. I too find myself getting so frustrated with him and his behaviors. Yet, I too work with special needs children, and nothing they do seems to bother me. I guess I never looked at dealing with my son and these other children as the same thing.

The thing that has lately helped to improve his behavior was changing my way of thinking about his behaviors. Instead of punishing the bad behavior, I have begun rewarding the good. If he gets through the week and does everything he is supposed to, i.e. homework, demonstrating good character, etc., he is rewarded at the end of the week. Right now he is being rewarded with Disney dollars for our disney trip. I found that for him, punishing did nothing. I spent my whole time angry and he spent his whole life in trouble.

It is so frustrating. I am under constant self-evaluation. Am I doing the right thing?? Am I doing what is best for him? No one can give me a magic wand...for me it's trial and error. And, I've definitely made mistakes, but other times, things seem to go well. Hope things improve for you now that you have a diagnosis and now that you have a direction.

 

[isyne4u]

Interesting that someone else mentioned a new set of rules-for you. That is what I was going to say. Our Aspie wasn't diagnosed until he was 10. He had such a temper....nothing ever just "rolled right off of him." Things got a lot calmer once we knew a few rules.

Rule no. 1: What is begun MUST be completed.

Rule no. 2: He is not going to "pick up" what everyone else picks up. He'll always be a bit "clueless."

Rule no. 3: Plans, once communicated, cannot be changed.

I'm not saying to walk on eggshells with you son. I'm just saying that if you are aware of some of the things that distress him and work around them to the extent possible, life will be more pleasant for everyone.

Thank you, these are good things to keep in mind. We have done the rehearsing for things on and off...but I know he does better when we rehearse...and like this morning I hadn't told him that we were going to Maryland this weekend and that was a bit stressful for him.

Because of his ADD I've always waited to tell him things because then he would stress over it until we finally did it. Lots of things to change!

He definately doesn't "get" things...like polite society...nose picking, male adjustments, and the like...I have heard the kids say mean things about him when they didn't realize that I was with him and that made me really sad to hear. When I spoke to him about these things he gave me a blank look like he didn't get why it was wrong...

The thing that has lately helped to improve his behavior was changing my way of thinking about his behaviors. Instead of punishing the bad behavior, I have begun rewarding the good. If he gets through the week and does everything he is supposed to, i.e. homework, demonstrating good character, etc., he is rewarded at the end of the week. Right now he is being rewarded with Disney dollars for our disney trip. I found that for him, punishing did nothing. I spent my whole time angry and he spent his whole life in trouble.

It is so frustrating. I am under constant self-evaluation. Am I doing the right thing?? Am I doing what is best for him? No one can give me a magic wand...for me it's trial and error. And, I've definitely made mistakes, but other times, things seem to go well. Hope things improve for you now that you have a diagnosis and now that you have a direction.

The bold is exactly how I feel. There are days when I just question why I can't get him to behave and do what he is supposed to do. I've spent days crying over this issue.

I think I'm going to look into any support groups in our area to get involved in.

Thank you all for your thoughts! Even tho I've known in my heart for 2 years that he was autistic, I haven't really tried to look at his negative behaviors in terms of autism. I guess after hearing person after person dismiss my concerns that I figured maybe it was me and not him.

But i'm glad that I kept pushing for a full evaluation...even if getting the eval was just to appease me...

sorry to ramble...thanks for listening!

 

[Dis1978]

I am in similar situation. My teen started having meltdowns and behaving completely out of character. Have been told he has autistic traits and are going for assessment. Have been told informally it is definitely Aspergers. I am finding it very difficult to manage. Have not been given any help or taught any coping strategies at all. Is a nightmare situation. I guess that once he has diagnosis we will get some help with social skills etc. Don't know where to start and any help will be much appreciated.
We are going to Disney soon. My son wants independence in the parks and wants to go there on the bus himself. Basically, he doesn't want to be slowed down by the rest of us. I could do with some advice please. Firstly,where to stay - we are a big family so was thinking of off Disney but need bus service and believe on site is safer. What about standing in line -doctor's note to avoid standing in line? What is the system for autistic kids? Think he will feel embarrassed if he has to keep showing doctor's note.
Are the disney buses or non disney shuttles safe for teens by themselved?
I bit worried about the airport. What if he gets upset in long line for immigration.
Any advice please. Thanks

 

[missypie]

You wrote: "He definately doesn't "get" things...like polite society...nose picking, male adjustments, and the like...I have heard the kids say mean things about him when they didn't realize that I was with him and that made me really sad to hear. When I spoke to him about these things he gave me a blank look like he didn't get why it was wrong..."



If you go on message boards for parents of autistic kids, you will find TONS of nose-picking theads! Another thing to remember is that these kids are so LOGICAL. And seriously, unless you're eating lunch with Emily Post, why is it (1) okay to scratch your cheek, (2) semi-okay to scratch inside your ear, and (3) totally wrong to pick your nose? The "social rules" truly don't make a lot of logical sense. Why isn't all "self grooming" treated the same?

Things like that you have to teach them as RULES (and lots of autistic kids are great rule followers). "It's against the rules to pick your nose."

Another thing you'll want to do as the years go by is to clue teachers in, even if there isn't an IEP. DS has a friend who is quite a bit more severe of an Aspie than he is. In 9th grade, one of his teachers gave them this "direction following" exercise....one of those tricky things where you either get a 100 or a zero. Well, the kid got a zero, because he didn't follow one of the numerous directions. He got into a shouting match in class, with the teacher because he understand it - if he didn't get all of them wrong, how could he get a zero? And is WASN'T logical, because it was supposed to teach the students a lesson. The Aspie had to be transferred to another class. I think that situation could have been prevented by the mom telling the teacher "about him" in advance.