Never thought I'd post a "How would you handle this," but....

[Bashful2]

I have a problem and really don't know quite what to do. First, a little background.

About 2 years ago, we obtained legal guardianship of a friend of DD's. They weren't close friends at the time, but DD was all for the arrangement. However, because of DD's bipolar disorder and her insecurities, there were some problems for awhile. With counseling, they worked through it all and became very close. We have grown to love her just like our own and she and DD think of each other as sisters.

A couple of days ago, DD17 (our guardian) hurt DD16's feelings very deeply. She chose her boyfriend over her sister to do something with her that DD16 had always wanted to do. DD17 knew in advance that DD16 would be upset. I guess I could have, and probably should have, forbid it. I was hoping though, that she would make the right decision. She didn't, and now DD16 feels like her sister has stabbed her in the back.

DD16 is not speaking to DD17 and says she won't unless DD17 apologizies. I can't say that I blame her. Because they've both been so busy this weekend, I'm not even sure that DD17 realizes how upset DD16 is yet, but eventually she will. Normally, I feel that DD16 overreacts (and I tell her that), but this time I feel she is justified.

Also, normally, DD17 comes to me to talk if there is a problem with her sister, but this time she hasn't. I'm thinking it's because deep down she knows she is wrong. If she did, I was going to remind her how important family is, how much she has hurt her sister, and why she is so hurt. Instead, she's acting like everything is normal when, actually, her relationship with her sister is badly damaged. All of this makes me very sad and I'm not sure what to do.

 

[barkley]

i think you need to step away from the fact that she is a "child" though legal guardianship and address it as though she were in fact your blood child and a blood sibling to other dd. try to view it as sibling to sibling-would it be of any greater or lesser importance/impact if they were related?

it wierd-i know, but i was taught in social work and psychology to deal (with an event) with the behaviour and not the individual-address the behaviour then address the contributing factors. if the behaviour is inappropriate-take corrective action to correct/prevent, then address the factors that may contribute to it.

i don't know and won't ask what happened-but honestly, at this age girls do tend to put their boyfriends before friends/family/sibs-i doubt the fact that she is not "related" to other dd has anything to do with it. it's not right-but it seems to be something that girls/immature women do.

 

[elliemae1192]

My first thought would be to let the girls work it out for themselves, but then again, your family dynamic is unique. I would hope that they will work it out like any other siblings. Maybe give your younger DD a special day just for her with lots of extra attention on the day that your older DD will be gone. Good luck!

 

[Bashful2]

Barkley, I think part of my problem is that even though I love DD17 as my own, I may not always treat her that way. If it had been DD16, I probably would have come right out and told her it was a crappy thing to do and discouraged it before the other sister found out. In hindsight, this is what I should have done no matter which one it was.

I guess I need to sit down and have that talk with DD17 even if she doesn't come to me.

ellimae, normally I try not to get involved in their squabbles. This one worries me though because DD16's hurt is so deep. This isn't something she's going to get over easily. I know they still love each other, but I'm just afraid DD16 is not going to get over this one so easily because, to her, it's like a betrayal. DD17 is the only person around her age that she thought she could truly trust to be there for her.

 

[DisneyMomOK]

I agree that you need to speak with DD 17 ASAP. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it will be to make things "right" with DD16. I am so sad for you the younger girl was hurt, but teenagers are just not always wise in their decisions. Best of luck.

Sharon

 

[Bashful2]

Thanks, DisneyMom. I guess I already knew I needed to speak with DD. I just needed to hear it from someone else. I always knew being a parent was hard, but never knew until recently how hard it is to be a parent to more than one.

 

[poohandwendy]

Sounds like you are thinking it through very well. Definitely 'try' to maintain as equal relationship with each of them as possible (ie, expect the same level of respect, don't hesitate to approach each one when needed) and the girls will follow suit in time, I'll bet.

It's definitely not easy. Kudos to you for taking her in, what a blessing for her and for your family.

 

[disykat]

It sounds to me like the way "real" sisters would handle it. I agree you should talk with the 17 year old, but also make sure that the 16 year old knows this is pretty typical sibling stuff. I remember well when my older sister started choosing her boyfriend over me and I didn't really get it until I found someone that I wanted to share stuff with over family.

 

[crazyme5kids]

I have to agree with disykat on this one. This is vey typical, normal behavior of that age group. While your 16 year old may be upset, she needs to understand that it has nothing to do with her not being loved or her sister betraying her. It has everything to do with growing up and becoming independant. Your 16 year old will be making those choices too one day.

 

[MAKmom]

Unless she stole her sisters boyfriend what could be that bad? Now if they already made plans togather & she dumped her...it's inconsiderate. But if its just going to a movie they both talked about seeing I think you should drop it. the 17 year old shuld be able to pick up on her sisters mood.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I have to agree with disykat on this one. This is vey typical, normal behavior of that age group. While your 16 year old may be upset, she needs to understand that it has nothing to do with her not being loved or her sister betraying her. It has everything to do with growing up and becoming independant. Your 16 year old will be making those choices too one day.

I agree with this, and I would not be too hard on the 17yo. She had a decision to make, and she chose someone she would of preferred to be with at the time. Yes, your 16yo is hurt, but there will come a day when she will chose someone over her sister. It is a life lesson. She needs to realize, people will not always chose her over someone else.

I would let the 17 yo know that she made a bad decision, only because it hurt her sister. Did she know her sister would feel hurt and betrayed? I would NOT make her think she did anything wrong, She is 17, and she is going to start having a life outside the family.

 

[Bashful2]

Thanks, everyone. I did sit down and talk with DD17 this evening. She handled it very well and even offered to cancel her plans. I told her I didn't think that was necessary, but that she should talk to her sister and apologize for hurting her. She agreed, which is a really big step for her because she has a very hard time apologizing.

Since I have to work tomorrow and DD16 is spending the night with a friend, I called her to give her a heads up. I wanted to make sure she understood that her sister was apologizing because I'm not sure exactly how she will say it. DD16 was very happy and promised to "read between the lines." I think everything will be fine now. They really are great kids most of the time.

Also, thanks for letting me know this is normal behavior. After being a parent for almost 17 years, I can't believe what a novice I still feel like sometimes.