Need to vent (warning long and confusing)

[Chrissi Pooh]

Ok my divorce was final in June and I have been seeing someone (even longer and more confusing subject) anyway my ex-H has alot of problems, he is abusing drugs and has for years, he constantly lies to our daughter about coming to see her or calling, he works out of town mon-fri every week.
Well I have been trying to get him to change his life for the better, for him and our daughter and he doesn't want to make things better for anyone.
So his dad's wife passed away almost 2 weeks ago and i was the link for him and his brother letting them know what was going on and I offered to take him to the funeral as I wasn't going to miss it and it was an hour drive so he shows up early and see's my boyfriend leaving, that's fine until we get in the car and he makes a few comments. well we get to a gas station a few miles from the church and we stop (my daughter had to go potty) and he offers to take her so they come back and he starts screaming and carrying on so I tell him if he doesn't like what is happening in my life he can get out....I am doing 40mph by now and going faster by the second when he opens the door and tries to jump out. By this time Julie is crying in the backseat i am yelling at him to stop his brother tells him it's not cool, so then he finally gets back in the car and starts punching my window about 5 times.
We get to the church and he takes off and of course everyone is upset because of the death and then here is this jerk and everyone thinks I did something. So we go on with the service and he causes a scene in front of everyone saying i told him to jump out when i didn't.
We get home and he proceeds to rip his shirt up, punch the window on his car(because he locked the keys in it) and call me names.
Now he wants me to change my name because he wants no ties to me.....what about our daughter??? he doesn't get it at all!!! I don't know what to do!!

Sorry so long, just had to get some opinions and let some stress out!!! Thanks

 

[Disney845]

How sad for you and your daughter that you have to deal with a person like that. He sounds unstable. Has he ever thought to seek professional help? Do you have a court issued custody agreement? Perhaps until he gets his act together it would be better for him not to be in your daughter's life. I think having her dad threaten to jump out of a moving car and attempt to damage his ex-wife's property (car window) maybe be more psychologically damaging than not seeing him for awhile. Drug abuse should not be taken lightly either. Do you have proof of his using drugs? I would be afraid of what he might eventually do to either you or your daughter.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I agree - he sounds unstable. The hitting of things, threatening to jump out of cars, trying to take your name from you....those are all control tactics. And if and when they fail, he could get much worse. Get a notebook and pen and make sure you document everything that happens with the date and time. Minimize your's and your daughter's contact as much as legally possible until this settles down.

I don't know if he is getting counselling or not, but I definately think that you could use some professional advice on how to handle this situation. I don't blame you for needing to let the stress out, I'm just not sure how much help an internet bb can be in this situation.

 

[Pembo]

Not sure what to say but here's some {{{{HUGS}}}} and pixie dust!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The best thing you can do for yourself and your dd is to accept that your X is who he is. You said you "have been getting him to change his life for the better", well only he can do that.
I am so sorry as I am sure things are so painful for you. It is easy for an outsider to say what I said but I know full well that acceptance of reality is very hard to do.

My guess is you know what you need to do for your situation. You just have been waiting to take that next step and this incident has probably brought you closer to a decision.
I think once you do however, your path will become more in focus. {{HUGS}}

 

[SonjaB]

The others are right, Chrissi.....screaming at you in front of your daughter, throwing public tantrums, making threats against himself or others....these are all clear signs of instability, and coupled with drug use......well, it could get VERY scary. This definately sounds like something the court needs to hear about. Best of luck and {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. Try to stay as far away from him as possible. If he's not spending much time with your daughter, that's probably for the best.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. He doesn't sound stable. He can't, however, make you go back to your maiden name. That is your choice, not his.
Robin M.

 

[AlisonY2K]

Wow...I think it's best to not have any ties with him. He needs some help.

 

[helenabear]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I agree with those who said he needs help because it sounds like he really does. I wish I had some real advice for you... hang in there {{hugs}}

 

[Boots]

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

 

[Poohbear123]

{{{Hugs}}} sounds like my X! Do yourself a favor-GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!

 

[Pooh93]

You have received some very good advice here. {{HUGS}} and please keep yourself and dd safe.

 

[DocRafiki]

Ew, I'm glad you're rid of him (for the most part).

Not that I've been in that situation, but I just can't imagine keeping the name of a man whom I divorced. Surely there's some animosity there, and I wouldn't want to be identified with him. (I'm already 90% sure that I'll keep my last name if I ever do get married). I would want to change my kid's name to my maiden name, but I'm sure the ex would go nuts with that.

 

[Mickey's sunshine]

just a bump for my best pal Chrissi. I know she will appreciate the advice given so far.

 

[Serena]

I am keeping my married name. It's a lot shorter and easier than my maiden name.

Chrissy, {{{hugs}}}}.

Now, do what the others have suggested.
Write everything down that you can think of. Places, times, and anyone who can say they saw him act like that.
Get the restraining order. It's just a piece of paper, but an important one. It tells whoever that you are serious about wanting to be left alone.
He sounds like he needs lots of help. YOU CANNOT be the one to help him. He needs a professional, and someone that isn't you. He will tie your life up in knots and you don't want that.
You do not owe him anything, not even generousity. If you decide to do something nice, that's fine. But when he decided he wanted out of the car. You should have stopped and let him out, left and not looked back. That was too traumatic for everyone and he's having all kinds of fun playing your emotions.

Don't let him do that. You deserve much better.

 

[kylara]

Chrissi,

As others have said, you can not get your ex to change, he has to want to. At this point I think that having him around would actually do more emotional damage to your daughter than having visitation limited. I would also suggest that you try and distance yourself. I can understand wanting to help him, but it sounds that you could be putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation.....after all trying to jump out of a moving car and banging on the window are clear signs that he has problems.

As for the name...it is for you to decide not him. He can not force you to take your maiden name back.

Good luck with everything.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

Thanks everyone!!

Great suggestions here and things I needed to hear!!

Just to clear up, the whole reason for keeping his name is becasue my daughter is 3 and knows her name and she already feels like an outcsat because he doesn't see her much so my plan was to keep his name until she was established in school and didn't have to be so confused with the whole situation (maybe she can understand a little more) or until some magical day when i can find that special someone to marry for the right reasons this time!!

My ex did call last night and apologized but it means nothing to me, he was just a lot more calm than earlier!!!


Thanks again guys, your the best!

 

[Poohbear123]

17 years ago, I GOT my maiden name BACK! The kids have HIS last name, and it didn't bother them. They are now 20 and 21. By the way, my X was just like yours only MORE Violent! My DS is going to anger Management for the same problem, and is doing very well.

 

[Princess Michelle]

Chrissi, lots of {{{hugs}}} and prayers for you and Julie. It has to be so hard to deal with this. Mr. X definitely needs to get himself some help and if you can I think I would minimize Julie's contact with him until he can prove he knows how to behave like a responsible, sane, adult. His standing her up or behaving like a jerk in her presence to me is worse than him not being in her life at all. If he truly cares he will do whatever it takes to become the kind of father she needs and if he doesn't then you both are better off without him.

 

[KozmicLee]

Oh Chrissi, how I do understand what you're going through! I hope Julie is okay, what a tough situation he's put you in. Please let me know if I can do anything.