Need to vent(sorry)

[Angelgirl13202]

How come mothers nag so much and than when you do what they ask they find something else.. It seems to me i can never do anything right these days.

I was going to move across country she didnt want me to so i didnt (came down to money also)

I waited to long to enroll in school when i decided not to go back to my other college.

Now i am enrolled in the wrong classes for her i should rearrange my whole scedule to suit her (she doesnt take me so its not like makeing her life easier that way) she just wants me in the same class as my cuzon. but i would rather not take a night class so i can work. Doesnt that seem responsible to you mothers out thier.


Do you think I am wrong for saying i am saveing my money and leaving even thou i was told if i go where i am thinking i will be disowned. basically no contact with my brothers or sisters or my mom (more concerned about my brothers and sisters they are my life)
Thank you very much
Have a disney day

 

[joats]

Sounds like another case of a controlling parent having a hard time letting go. I'm not sure what your age is, if you live at home or what your circumstances are, but some parents freak out at the thought of their child differentiating themselves from them.
No wonder you feel like you have to move across the country to make your own decisions/life.

Honestly, it depends on your situation. Are you financially dependent on mom? That does change things unfortunately.

My vote was to do what you want and let her get over it, but it's hard to say without more info.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

They can't nag you if you don't give them info. I learned that early on. Don't share every detail of your life, just throw them a bone sometimes & take charge of your life. You are 20? Sounds like it is time to either leave the nest or follow the house rules. If you are not financially ready, then make a plan for yourself.
As far as a mom who uses threats like that, it sounds like she needs you for something? If you leave then it puts her in a bind, maybe? Are you are fighting?
Sorry you are having a tough time. It just is awful when you fight with your family.

 

[Mishetta]

This would just be my opinion....being that my Mother & I lived together for about 43 years (first I lived with her & then she lived with me), I have some insight for you.

My Mother also always told me what to do. If I did something that she didn't approve of, or even if it was something "different" than what she would have done, it was dumb or I was stupid. Okay.....here I am in my late teens & she's still telling me what to do! The nerve , like I don't know anything! Well, I would do things my way & guess what? They just wouldn't turn out the way I thought they would! So then I had to listen to my Mom again, about how I didn't listen to her & look at the mess I was in now! Yada, yada, yada.....

In my early 20's, I am a FREE woman with a GREAT paying job & I'm doing whatever I want to do. Mom not too happy but tough luck...I'm an ADULT! I traveled to so many wonderful places in the U.S. & in Europe with a friend. Made my own decisions about jobs & promotions, etc... Lots of fun times. I noticed something funny in my 20's...that I was paying my own bills & my Mom had absolutely nothing to say about what I was doing. I was pretty responsible though. So I got to thinking that money & paying your own way ~ totally ~ really does bring you some independence. We were like roommates, just 2 women sharing a house.

Late 20's ~ I decided to move "cross" country to L.A.! Mom decided to come with me. Not exactly what I wanted, but hey, as long as she paid her own way...why should I stop her? Boy, did I have some tough times there & guess who bailed me out (& I don't mean out of jail...I just mean, out of trouble or giving me advice that I could get myself out of the mess I was in.) As time went on I started to think about how over the years, I didn't listen to her advice, I complained, I talked about what an over bearing Mom I had, etc...but through it all, whenever I needed help, who was there for me? My Mother.

Now I've entered my 30's. We're 2 independent women sharing a condo together. We're becoming friends...she's listening to me but guess what??? I'm making more sane decisions now & not being so quick to criticize her. She's listening to me & I'm listening to her. It's nice. Enter a husband (for me) in the picture, & although she wasn't too pleased, she supported me. They both learned to love each other. Enter a son in the picture, Mom couldn't be happier & without realizing it, has become my best friend. Thinking back we'd been together alone for many years, since my Dad died when I was 8 y/o & all along, all we had was each other. I thought back to the times when I said "I hate you!" to her in the heat of an argument over my curfew or that she didn't like the people I was hanging around with...etc....or that she was on my case about smoking! ARGHH, how could I continue living with this woman? All those thoughts running through my mind while I'm looking at my precious baby thinking "our relationship will be different my son!"

Entering into my 40's....what would I have done without my Mother all these years? I'm so fortunate to have this selfless woman in my life. She sacrificed so much to raise me & all those stupid arguments we had were so senseless. She was right about everything! Looking back at the friends I had, it was nothing but trouble for me. Thinking back on the fact that I spent waaaaay too much money on clothes/shoes, etc...& she'd complain & I'd tell her she was jealous...that was just insane. I never realized that this woman wanted what was best for me !

In my 40's now & enjoying everything life has to offer. A wonderful husband, 2 beautiful children & a dear sweet Mother who did nothing but give of herself 24/7. I thanked her for getting me away from the wrong crowd. I thanked her for gently giving her opinion when I was in turmoil over a job promotion or transfer. I thanked her for helping me turn into the person I am today.....a far better person than I would have been if she had not been there guiding me!

Fast forward to last year, Mom diagnosed with cancer. Oh my God. How could this lovely, strong woman be so ill, so weak, so fragile? How could this happen? How can I live without her? I still don't know half of what she knows. How could I have thought when I was in my teens & 20's that I knew more than my Mom? How could I have been so blind? Why did I think I knew more than her? I hadn't lived my life yet, except for under the safety of my Mother's wing. I felt pretty sure of myself that I knew better but I knew nothing.

Nine weeks ago....Mom died.

If I could only go back to the days you are living right now & just allow myself to follow what my Mom would tell me...I would have spared myself some major heartbreak, would have had so much more money, & wouldn't have had to live through so much chaos. Thinking back, she always wanted what was best for me & no one else in the entire world would do or want for me, as much as she did. Now I look at my boys & I say "I hope we'll have the same relationship that your Grandmother & I had!"

Just give your Mother's views a chance. Try things her way. You might be surprised how they turn out. You cannot have independence without your own money. If your Mom is paying the bills & you're living under her roof, then respectfully try her way. If it doesn't work out then you can show her that you tried it her way. No matter what though, don't think for a minute that you know better than her. Print this out & save it to read back to yourself in about 20 years & then think back on all the nagging your mother did. Think back on all the suggestions she made & see if the words "I'm saving my Money so I can leave" that you say to her, aren't words that will haunt you someday too. My understanding of your mother saying to you that you will be "disowned" if you leave, is that she is so hurt by you saying that. Just sit back & think about it.

(To everyone else, sorry this is so long but all these words just spilled from my heart & through my fingers.)

 

[FreshTressa]

I feel your pain. It sometimes feels like I still don't always measure up to my mother's expectaions. But understanding her and where she is coming from helps me deal with her opinions.

Yes, what do you think your mother's motivation is??? To be mean??

If your mother is usually a loving, caring person, I would listen to her because she has more wisdom than you (even though you can't see that now). And these decisions are not worth breaking a relationship with your mother over. She is the ONE person that loves you unconditionally. No one (not even your spouse) will ever love you and have your best interest at heart the way your mother does.

Maybe you can tell her that her "nagging" approach is irritating, and can't you discuss it like two adults, weighing the pros and cons?? Maybe if you act like an adult, your mother will treat you like one. This means having a rational discussion where everyones opinions are heard and weighed when making a decision. Nagging is rude, even if it is your mother.

I hope you work things out with her! Try to keep an open, honest relationship and share with her, in a calm, pleasant way, how you feel and hopefully you guys can come up with a way to make you both happy. Listen to her wisdom though, and remember she is not doing it to be mean!

 

[TIGGERSMOM]

Just a couple questions from the Mom's view?

Do you have conversations or just scream fests?

When you said you were saving money to move - did you do it like an adult or in an arguement? Are you going alone or with someone? If so who? Someone she sees as detrimental to you?

Are you supporting yourself?

Do you pay rent? Living expenses etc.?

I have had similar arguements with my 19yo. Everytime I disagree with him -"I am not supporting his dreams." Is it naggng - advice or constructive criticism? My teen seems to think I should blindly agree and be happy about all his choices. sometimes I am sometimes I am not. And I let him know.


Have you ever asked your Mom why it is so important to her that your change your classes? Without knowing them it is hard to say who is right. Maybe she thinks your course of study will give you no options in the future.

As far as disowning. I agree that is a little drastic, there again without specifics - how was it said, heat of the moment, calm and cool, or a reaction to something hurtful you said. Parents are human and while it is not right if you say something very hurtful to her she may react in kind.

I think you and your Mom need to have a long talk - not heated. I f you can't manage that on your own find a family counselor who can.

 

[seaotter]

I think that sometimes mothers and daughters become too symbiotic and sometimes it's just not healthy. Keep in mind, you've probably been the center of her world for a long time and she's having a hard time letting go. She nags you, but it's probably because she wants the best for you and hasn't yet learned that she HAS to let make your own mistakes, earn your own triumphs, weave your own dreams, and chose your own road. Sometime mothers forget that their child is a separate entity. If it's any consolation, I don't think it's to be mean...I think it's out of love, but she's expressing her love for you all wrong! I want to tell you that, as a mother, when I read comments like this from young women suffering from controlling mothers, I give a lot of thought about how I want to treat my daughter when she's a young woman. I hope to learn from this...so thank you for posting so honestly.

I think if you want to move, you certainly should do so. I think it can be a very healthy thing for mothers and daughters to separate for a while. It gives the daughter a chance to become completly independant, and it gives mom a chance to learn to live her life her herself and not for you! I moved to Arizona when I was 25 for this very reason. Although I didn't live with my mom when I moved, we were just to interconnected. I didn't tell my mom that I was leaving because she was driving me totally nuts! I told her it was for school. I chose a University and did a one year exchange. I learned a lot while I was gone, and so did my mom. She learned to make her own friends and live her own life! When I came back, we had a friendship that didn't involve control.

I know of several other women who have done what I did. My partner moved away from the area her mother lived in when she was 31. She came back a year later and she, too, found that she had a more healthy relationship with her mother.

The most important thing, if you do go, try to be on good terms with your mom. Make sure she knows (even if it's not entirely true) that your move is NOT because of her! Tell her you need to explore. Even is she's very angry when you leave, tell her you love her and hope she'll keep in touch. Tell her you NEED her and that you are scared to do this without her emotional support, but that you will do it anyway! Always keep the communication open. Make sure she has access to your email, phone and address. Stay in touch with her even if she doesn't respond right away. She'll get over her anger in time. The best of luck to you!

 

[Minnie824]

I debated whether I should respond to this thread or not, but.... if you can afford to live out on your own, and this is what you want to do, do it. I'm not saying to not consider other peoples feelings, and you may want to even try to talk to your mom about it, but you can not sacrifice your happiness for doing what your mother or anyone else wants. My mother and I argued from the time I was 12...especially as a teenager. She was and is a very controlling woman. Not just with me either, but with my father and grandmother as well. I'm sure a lot of the time, her intentions were good, she may have known better, at that time at least, but it doesn't end.

I'm now married, have my own career, a DH and a DD. She now doesn't like the fact that she can't control how I raise my daughter. She complains, well, slips in little sarcastic comments I should say, about things. She doesn't like that I put DD in jeans for her portraits instead of fluffy pink dresses. I'm not fond of lots of pink things, so she buys her pink clothes, since thats what she wants. When I was younger and we'd argue, my grandmother would stick up for me, and my mother would yell at her. Now that the tables are turned, its ok for her interfere with me and how I want my daughter raised.

The way she is, is very maddening, and takes some getting used to. I'm a grown adult and we still argue because she still wants to control me. It will never end, and I think I have just started to accept that. Long ago though, I realized I needed to do what I wanted, not what other people wanted me to do. Obviously, I still take her feelings, and others, into consideration with major events, but smaller things, I figure tough. She got to do what she wanted with me when I was younger and was under her roof and I had no choice. Its my life now.

Ok, this got to be a long story, but I hope it helped a little!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think that Mothers and Daughters have probably had these types of relationships since the beginning of time.

My advice?
If you want to be independent of your Mother, then you need to develop your independance.

I was going to move across country she didnt want me to so i didnt (came down to money also)

Things like that look kind of funny. After you are a "big girl" it's time to take responsibility for your own actions. The reason you didn't move is not because of your Mom, it is because you couldn't afford it. So if you want to move, take action now to put yourself into a financial position to do so.

The disowning part is very dramatic. How old are your siblings? After a certain age if they want to have contact with you, they will. Your Mother can only exert the power over you that you give her. Act like an adult, and most likely she will eventually release some of her worry over how your life is turning and will treat you like one. If not, well then you just have to realize that you can only be responsible for your own actions. Don't run your life by reacting to your Mom....decide what you want and go get it.

 

[Angelgirl13202]

thank you every one for your responses i love this board you all are great