need some help with my dd and teasing

[mommytoe]

My dd is 8 and was tormented and beat up at our last church. We switched churches as soon as I knew what was going on.

We have been at our new church since July. Now my dd is getting nervous, upset, and crying at church. The problem is a boy is teasing her.

It is only teasing so I have tried to stay out of it. I have tried giving her advice about ignoring it. I even told her to tease back or laugh about his teasing (make a game out of it.)

I am not sure what to do. I don't want to cause trouble at church over a little teasing, but dd is really upset. On the other hand teasing is something that happens all the time and she needs to learn how to handle it.

I think the boy just needs guided. I teach the class once a month and have learned how to redirect the boy to stop trouble.

I told my dd to wait a little longer to see if things will improve after the musical next Sunday. After the musical the boy's grandma won't be teaching them for a while and maybe the next teacher will handle things better.

What do you think?

 

[DizBelle]

Her first experience with the torment and beating up probably started with teasing. She is afraid of what she thinks is coming. And I don't blame her. I don't think she should be forced into an environment where she doesn't feel safe. She could probably use some therapy too to help her deal with the past incident.

 

[PatsMom]

If mild teasing is upsetting her that much, I would agree that some counselling to help her deal with the first incident of torment and getting beat up might be in order.

Especially in church, she should feel safe. And changing probably wouldn't help since at that age, there would probably be another kid in the next Sunday school class who teases. How does she do in school? Does she overreact to situations there too? Or is it just church that is threatening to her?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dd is 8 and was tormented and beat up at our last church. We switched churches as soon as I knew what was going on.

We have been at our new church since July. Now my dd is getting nervous, upset, and crying at church. The problem is a boy is teasing her.

It is only teasing so I have tried to stay out of it. I have tried giving her advice about ignoring it. I even told her to tease back or laugh about his teasing (make a game out of it.)

I am not sure what to do. I don't want to cause trouble at church over a little teasing, but dd is really upset. On the other hand teasing is something that happens all the time and she needs to learn how to handle it.

I think the boy just needs guided. I teach the class once a month and have learned how to redirect the boy to stop trouble.

I told my dd to wait a little longer to see if things will improve after the musical next Sunday. After the musical the boy's grandma won't be teaching them for a while and maybe the next teacher will handle things better.

What do you think?

What did the boy do that your dd considers "teasing"? That would help. Also your dd is experiencing anxiety over this and you have to teach how to handle that as well.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Talk to your pastor or Sunday school teacher or youth leader or whatever your leadership setup is.

Depending on how severe the teaing is, If you think it's unacceptable, talk with the boy's parents and the boy.

Mean teasing is not acceptable, especially in a place where you are supposed to be in fellowship and worshiping God.

 

[badblackpug]

Why not just go to the boys parents and explain the situation. Just tell them that because of her past experience your daughter is overly sensitive to teasing, and while you know it is not that serious, you would like to give her a chance to "settle in."

 

[nmmom95]

Talk to your pastor or Sunday school teacher or youth leader or whatever your leadership setup is.

Depending on how severe the teaing is, If you think it's unacceptable, talk with the boy's parents and the boy.

Mean teasing is not acceptable, especially in a place where you are supposed to be in fellowship and worshiping God.

First, ITA with everything in this post.

Second, this happened AT CHURCH?!?! I don't get the mentality of people who can't miss church, but think it's okay for their kid to torment another child. They may be in the building, but the message is not reaching these people.

 

[Kimberle]

I have no problems calling up the other child's parents. Mama bear comes out to protect her cub.

 

[tigercat]

I'm sorry but what kind of churches are people going to? The first church allowed the bullying and the beating up of an 8 yr. old? Now the second has a boy teasing a girl? How very Christian they are. No amount of teasing is acceptable. What do the priests/ministers think of this?
tigercat

 

[descovy]

I think before I'd go all momma bear on the little boy, I would find out specificaly what the "teasing" was. It could range from innocent silliness to downright meaness... or somewhere inbetween. Can you talk to an impartial witness, like the sunday school teacher and ask what happened?

Yes, it's possible something really bad could have happened again at another sunday school. But it's entirely possible that she's a little "hyper-sensitive" (understandably so!) due to a previous bad experience in Sunday school. And a little something could have been interpretted as a "big" something.

Not to go with the bullying, but if I can give an example where the same "slight" happened to 2 girls at the same girl scout event. The only difference was the reaction by the girl would determine whether it was a big deal or not.

The troop took a ride on a double decker carousel. Girl A really wanted to ride the black horse on the bottom level. Girl B wanted to ride on one of the benches. The rest of the troop wanted to ride on the top level of the carousel.

Come off the ride, and girl A feels very left out, excluded. The "whole" troop shared the experience of riding on the top level without her. She's sullen & pouty, and as I say, feels excluded. But girl B just wanted that "bench seat." She didn't care whatever the rest of the group did... she just cared about getting her pick. No pouts, just smiles on her side of the carousel.

I guess what I'm saying, is sometimes it isn't the incident, but the individual response that makes all the difference.

I want to make a confession too, about how I was as a child. For a number of reasons, I was the sad little kid who got teased a lot. Admittedly, I played the "woe is me" card a lot, and pittied myself, and honestly didn't really do anything to stand up for myself. Honestly, it was a self-fulfilling prophesy, and I kinda taught people who to treat me. I wish now the adults in my life were able to give me techniques, "comebacks" etc... Because the only thing I could figure out on my own was to play the victim card to get people to feel sorry for me. And honestly no one wants to play with that kind of sad little kid.

Certainly not implying that OP's dd is a mini-me, but just hoping to offer another perspective than the "sunday-school-is-a-mean-place-full-of-mean-kids" perspective.

And in a whole nother vein, my husband is a 3rd grade sunday school teacher. It's a thankless, volunteer position really. He does a great job, but I tell you, he would never turn down assistance! So maybe consider helping in sunday school class for a few weeks. See for yourself , the issues there may be... and be a help to boot! You might find that the kid is just a class clown, or at least gain some insight to what his problem is.

 

[indimom]

Why not just go to the boys parents and explain the situation. Just tell them that because of her past experience your daughter is overly sensitive to teasing, and while you know it is not that serious, you would like to give her a chance to "settle in."

DO THIS. (or if he only comes with Grandma, talk to her)

 

[Magpie]

My dd is 8 and was tormented and beat up at our last church. We switched churches as soon as I knew what was going on.

We have been at our new church since July. Now my dd is getting nervous, upset, and crying at church. The problem is a boy is teasing her.

It is only teasing so I have tried to stay out of it. I have tried giving her advice about ignoring it. I even told her to tease back or laugh about his teasing (make a game out of it.)

I am not sure what to do. I don't want to cause trouble at church over a little teasing, but dd is really upset. On the other hand teasing is something that happens all the time and she needs to learn how to handle it.

I think the boy just needs guided. I teach the class once a month and have learned how to redirect the boy to stop trouble.

I told my dd to wait a little longer to see if things will improve after the musical next Sunday. After the musical the boy's grandma won't be teaching them for a while and maybe the next teacher will handle things better.

What do you think?

How does your daughter manage at school?

Unfortunately, some kids just seem to attract abuse - they don't do it on purpose, but it's a vicious cycle. The more they're abused (emotionally, ie teasing, or physically, ie "getting beat up"), the more other kids want to abuse them. They're not bad kids, but they're trapped and all the habits they get into to try to cope just make it worse (ie. some of them won't make eye contact with other kids, or they talk too quietly, they overreact to mild teasing, they whine, they cling to adults, they desperately try to please, they move awkwardly, etc...).

Considering that this is at least the second time your daughter has run into trouble in a social situation, I would get her to a children's therapist ASAP. The therapist can work with her - and you! - to find strategies to deal with difficult social situations. Many work insurance programs cover family therapy. It comes under "psychological services" - make sure you apply for the whole family, not just your daughter.

Redirecting the boy and protecting your daughter while in class are both excellent ideas, but they won't solve the long term problem.

 

[mommytoe]

Her first experience with the torment and beating up probably started with teasing. She is afraid of what she thinks is coming. And I don't blame her. I don't think she should be forced into an environment where she doesn't feel safe. She could probably use some therapy too to help her deal with the past incident.

Her doctor wanted her to have counseling, but our insurance would not cover it.

 

[mommytoe]

If mild teasing is upsetting her that much, I would agree that some counselling to help her deal with the first incident of torment and getting beat up might be in order.

Especially in church, she should feel safe. And changing probably wouldn't help since at that age, there would probably be another kid in the next Sunday school class who teases. How does she do in school? Does she overreact to situations there too? Or is it just church that is threatening to her?

She even over reacts at home. I posted earlier about her anxiety issues.

Her doctor wanted counseling, but when we tried to get her some nobody would except her. Our insurance does not cover it.

 

[mommytoe]

What did the boy do that your dd considers "teasing"? That would help. Also your dd is experiencing anxiety over this and you have to teach how to handle that as well.

The boy calls her names, throws her coat in the bushes, makes fun of the way she talks, and makes fun of her clothes.

He also keeps saying she is not the smartest one in the class. I think that is the issue. My dd is advanced when it comes to book learning, but not when it comes to other forms of learning.

The teachers love my dd and always tell me how they can count on her to have the answers.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She even over reacts at home. I posted earlier about her anxiety issues.

Her doctor wanted counseling, but when we tried to get her some nobody would except her. Our insurance does not cover it.

Oh, so she has anxiety issues. I have my own at home. Anxiety runs in my family.

Can the doctor help you find place that use a sliding scale? I would certainly try and hunt down someone to help her. How about at school? Do they have a school counselor? Perhaps they can help you out.

In fact dd is getting ready to go to school right now because she had an anxiety attack this morning. Blah..... She takes meds and right now is doing well however she was sick all last week and has to take Albuterol which triggers less sleep and anxiety. So anyway, she lost it this morning.

So today we are going to use "our tools" to get her back on track. She has a lot of make up work which is one of her triggers. She gets overwhelmed.

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

I would go to the kid and tell him to knock it off.

Probably not the best advice, but well, there you go.

 

[Heidict]

I am with the others that are in shock that this stuff has been going on in a church?! I guess bullies are everywhere.

While I agree that you need to do what you have to do to get your daughter in to see a professional regarding her anxiety issues, I also think you need to have a talk with the Sunday School director. They need to know what is going on. They should be the ones going to this boys parents. If that does not fix the problem, then go to the Pastor.

You said that none of therapists would see your daughter because your insurance didn't cover it? Well, they will see her, you would just need to pay out of pocket for her sessions. I'm not sure where in NC you are, but are there any programs where you could get a reduced rate? Here in CT, Yale has a program with their child study center where kids are seen and the parents pay on a sliding scale for the treatment.

 

[kwelch10377]

I think you need to find a counsler that can talk to your daughter, I am sure there are ones that will take her and you can just pay out of pocket. If it is something that you can't afford they you need to find someone else that she can speak with through her school that can help her deal with anxiety issues and also how to deal with being teased. For whatever reason you daughter seems to be a target and I'm sure her reaction to being teased is not helping her. At that age kids who tease just feed on that.

I'm not really sure how much talking to the boys parents will help. I know we would all like to think that it will fix everything and get the teasing to stop, but chances are it won't.

 

[Magpie]

Her doctor wanted her to have counseling, but our insurance would not cover it.

Keep looking, and keep asking! A child with an anxiety disorder should not have to go untreated. Your local hospital may have something, if there's anyone there studying anxiety in children. Also, check the universities. Sometimes psychology students will work with children for free, as part of their studies. Your doctor may have some connections in the community, that he can direct you toward.

For example: When I was very small and my mother (single parent, on food stamps, living in the US) thought I needed counselling, we actually found a very nice psychologist who was willing to take me on for free because she found me "interesting". I think she wrote a paper on me, which seemed like a fair trade for free counselling.

Later, I got free occupational therapy for my writing issues, through a local university. A very nice teaching student got to practice her special education skills on me, for course credit.

My mother is a very, very persistent lady.