Need some guy help...

[MineeBaby]

Good morning everyone. Its been quite awhile since Ive been to disboards..my fiance and I broke off our engagement around Christmas of last year, and I havent been back much after that--but I know you guys all have some really great things to say and Ive sorta come across and issue.

I just started my new job and have moved to a new area. Ive met lots of people here, and have become involved with a guy, same age as I am (22). We really get along great and enjoy spending time together. Well, last night it sorta dawned on me that Im starting to really like his company, and I know about his religious preference and family and what not, but I never found out if he uses any illegal drugs..i have no reason to suspect he does, but the question sorta popped into my head and I asked him if he has or does or anything. Well, he surprisingly said, very politely, that he didnt want to answer the question. Then he wanted to know why I asked and if I thought he was a druggie, and I explained of course not, I was just curious because it is important to me, and he said that if he did or didnt, it shouldnt matter because we have such a great time together and get along great. So, the conversation went on a bit more about it...he didnt seem upset or anything, he just wouldnt answer. So this leads me to believe that he does use them, but he just wont tell me....and now I am just feeling rotten about the whole situation (and i think thats why he didnt want to tell me, because he knows that if he said he did, I would not be as interested in pursuing a relationship with him) So now I am all bummed out. Any words of wisdom or advice or anything? Should I continue to press forword like I didnt ask and see where the relationship goes..and if things begin to work out and we are more seriously involved bring it up then? I have no idea..i just wish he told me he didnt..

 

[JoNo]

hmmmm, tough one. I'd say one of two things... Either he IS doing drugs and he doesn't want to say it, or he really doesn't, and he feels he shouldn't have to talk about it.

But think with me, if he is not open about that, what else might he hide from you? That's really what you have to ask yourself... but of course this is coming from a guy. just giving you my .02

 

[JohnTBap]

I know someone who smokes pot. When they got married, it was known. Now that there is a child involved, it is no longer acceptable to the other person and the marriage is ending because of it.

No good can come of drug use.

I would be wary of a man who wouldn't look me in the eye and honestly answer that question.

I'm sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

[becka]

For me personally this would be a major red flag. I don't approve of drug use and I would not continue to date someone whom I knew was a drug user. If someone I was dating would not answer that question I would assume that either he is a drug user or he is not willing to be upfront and honest when discussing issues - either one of these is a deal breaker for me.

 

[MineeBaby]

JoNo--I was REALLY hoping it was along the lines of what you suggested..that he doesnt think its something that should have crossed my mind and he really doesnt but is sorta taken aback that I asked (though, thats not good either in the long run..he should just respect what I asked and answered truthfully)

John--I agree with you, and that is why I am so bummed out because besides this issue, he is so super great. And if he did use them, I dont think I would want to take the relationship to a more serious level until it was addressed and either he quits or we arent a couple. Golly, what a mess

 

[Pat_Elliott]

Hi

Interesting question. And his answers are hard to read. I think guys are different than girls in that at 22 you're probably where I was in my late 20's. Gals simply mature faster. So we'll go from that standpoint. I also think girls are far more willing to let stuff slide for fear of ruining the relationship. My personal opinion is two sided: first, at 22, relax, you've got a lot of time left to figure this thing out. But on the other hand, no guy (or girl) is worth compromising your principles.

Some of my thoughts, trying to remember when I was around 28, which is the time frame in which I met my wife and was dating heavily. I got to a point where I was starting to take life a little more serious. My opinion was the first couple dates were free from worry, but if I started to invest time in someone, and they in me, there would be a simple rule and it is: I don't have to know, and probably can't know, if I'm going to marry this person after being with them a month. But if I know for sure I'll never marry them, then I'm wasting my time. I may continue the relationship for the shear fun of it, but I'm going to keep in the back of my mind not to let my emotions and my sensibilities fight each other. Make sense?

At you guy's age, it may be a little early for that. On the other hand, if you feel a certain way about drugs and that's all there is, then do you wish to invest time and potentially get attached to someone who feels the way about this that you do? Or can you have fun with it and go with the flow, and shrug your shoulders and move on if/when it ends?

I speak from experience. Lest folks who like me here think I'm a pig in disguise, I never did hardcore drugs. But A) I burned the occasional leaf, and B) I did a lot of beer chugging as a young man. Amy and I met, went out about a month, and she approached me with the same question as yours, and I had about the same answer as your male friend's.

How she handled me: she told me that she was raised to believe such things to be morally and socially wrong. She was really starting to like me, but was astill at the point where she could walk out on the relationship, move on quickly, and still say hi to me in the street. But she wasn't sure going on more time wouldn't start to make that difficult. And while she stressed if I brought up the "M" word she'd push away, she couldn't continue to invest valuable social time on a potential relationship that would go nowhere and possibly hurt her.

Can't tell you how much I respected that. At that point in time, I was at an age where the occasional illegal smoke was nothing I felt militant about, and just having that conversation with her made me think "what if I have kids one day and have to explain this to them?" So while at that age I didn't think of it as "evil," I considered it easy to give up. For the record, I could crow for hours about why I was lucky and how a lot of my friends had their emotional and professional growth stunted by the lack of concentration and seriousness that "recreational drugs" create, not to mention the stigma it carries. But that's a different topic for a different day.

In the end, we were able to share a lot of questions and answers. I was able to say to her "I'm going to give this thing up, not for you but because you made me realize whether it's you or someone else, it could and probably will become an issue later in life. Can you live with that?" She could. She told me then, and has since, that if I had a "that's my right" opinion, she would have respected it, but would have moved on. Important to note we've been together fourteen years, married for ten, and are about to have a daughter. Amazing amount on the line fourteen years before it happened, and it could have been stymied by shoving dried leaves in my face and lighting them on fire.

I wish now I knew more about such things when I was younger. There was a certain attitude developing in my generation that prevails today where one puts one's "rights" before one's realization of one's future. I made bad decisions, but when confronted I made a very wise decision. Note that the decision was made for the right reasons, which was not for Amy, but because I saw the silliness of it and I knew whether it was her or someone else, it would be an issue.

I hope this rambling has helped. I don't know what I would have done at age 22. I don't know that I would have acted with the same maturity as I did five to six years later, either. But I certainly wouldn't have been angered by someone approaching me the way Amy did.

Good luck!

Pat

 

[MineeBaby]

Wow, Pat! Thats a very very good story! Thank you so much for sharing that with me

I told him that I didnt want to scare him off or think I was trying to get serious on him (mentioning the M word, etc), but that is what i thought, very similar to what Amy said..and he didnt answer the question, but he didnt get upset and he called this morning to say good morning--so who knows. I have no idea where the relationship will go, and I think I am up for just playing it by ear, not getting SO emotionally involved that it will be a painful experience to end if that is what happens, and see what happens..and if things become more serious then I will address the issue again--hahaha but then that could cause more problems if he then decides to say he does and I am falling for him..golly golly, what a mess.

 

[WDWHound]

There are 2 questions here.

1) Does he use drugs? This is a valid question and you have every right to ask if you think the relationship might be growing more serious.

2) Why wont he give you a clear answer? While both of these questions are important, this one really bothers me. Relationships MUST be built on openess and honesty. He may or may not be doing drugs (I see this as a 50/50 possiblity), but he should be clear with you either way. He has told you that you shouldn't care, but the fact is that you do care and he should respect that and be honest with you. He may not be using drugs. Instead, he may be taking a stand to prove some kind of point (I know I did silly things like that at that age). Still, that doesn't trump your right to have your concerns addressed.

Pat's excellent post offered great advice. I would be straight forward and let him know that drugs are a deal breaker for you in a serious relationship, and that, since you think the relationship might be getting serious, you need a clear answer to your question or you might have to walk away now.

 

[Rajah]

Very, very well said Pat. And some great advice in there.

I, too, would be very concerned if a guy wouldn't answer that question (or any other important question) honestly and readily (or at least shortly thereafter, if the question is a difficult one).

Good luck.

 

[Saffron]

In a relationship, no matter what level that relationship is (friend, family, boyfriend etc.), I don't need to know everything, although I may want to. Sometimes I have to stop myself from asking questions because I can be very nosey and want to know everything.

That being said, if I ask a question that I feel is important to me, no matter what the question, I would hope that I would receive an answer. It may not be an answer I like or the answer I'm looking for, but an honest answer is better than no answer. In my opinion, in my life, communication in the corner stone of a good relationship. With good, open communication, you can choose to work out, work on, or ignore anything that arises in the relationship.

So, no matter if he does drugs or not, the fact that he's not willing to answer a question that you posed to him that's important to you, the fact that he's not willing to communicate with you, is a HUGE red flag to me.

 

[Serena]

Ok, here's a guy you like to spend time with. There is an issue that you brought up, that so far has nothing to do with you. If you had ever smelled anything or suspected anything, then you would have the right to put your foot down and insist on an answer or walk away. You can still walk away if he doesn't answer, but you would be losing a friend.

Maybe you two won't develop into anything more, maybe you will, but as long as this issue isn't affecting the relationship or the time you two are together, then I say let it go.

I would make sure he knows that you will want an answer.

Maybe he does smoke pot, maybe it's more. Maybe he just thinks you are getting way to serious, way to fast, and said the first thing that popped out of his head.
And what if he is and would be willing to quit and actually quit for you. Is it still a dealbreaker? Would you throw a good friend away?

I would respect his privacy until there comes a time where you really need to know.

But try to keep your heart intact until you know him.

 

[momof2inPA]

At your age I believe people can and do change. If you tread carefully, you may be able to influence his opinions as you become more important to him. My husband and I both did things in our younger years that we would never do now, and he has become the greatest dad and husband in the world.

That said, make sure you protect yourself physically from any mandatory future involvement. Allowing a child to have visitation with a drug-using father does not sound like something any woman would want to deal with.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I wouldn't compromise my principles just to keep someone around even if I did like them. That's a reasonable question to ask someone, and it deserves an HONEST answer. I would drop him like a hot potato. My nephew's godfather found out he had AIDS. His wife was tested repeatedly and tests always came back negative. He had "no clue" how he could have gotten it. His doctor kept asking about blood transfusions, sharing needles, etc. He finally said that "there was just one time" he shared a needle with someone when in Viet Nam. Gee...guess he didn't tell his wife this any time beforehand. They ended up divorced and have a little boy. So sad. Honesty is the only way to go. Just my two cents.

 

[MineeBaby]

You guys are all so awesome, thank you so much for your input. He is just so adorable to call the shots right now..he just sent me an email that was super sweet and a chipper upper after a long morning at work. I agree that he should have just been honest..a good yes or a no...and then we could take it from there; that would have been a good start. Im really just hoping he was slightly freaked and thought I was moving too fast and that he wants to hold some silly ground about something...but again, we have only really known each other for about a month--so instead of pressing forward into a full blown relationship or calling it all off now, i think i need to just relax, take a chill pill, enjoy the time we spend together, and if things begin to turn a bit more serious, it can be addressed again, along with the communication deal..maybe later he will be very open about the whole thing...and again, maybe not. Just have to keep a close reign on my emotions and chill out for a bit...i think..HAHAHHAHA...what long boring meetings do to your train of thought..HAHAHAHHAHAH

 

[Serena]

and you can have some fun in the mean time.

 

[MineeBaby]

haha, we will see what happens..i was engaged before, so its really hard to go from something that was so involved and so 100% to starting all over again, hahaha, so maybe I need to just relax and then it could be an issue if anything really develops. golly..well thank you all very much..if anyone else has anything, please let me know. in the mean time, I will definetely keep you all updated on how this whole thing pans out. thanks guys! (and gals )