Need some advice...

confused1

Earning My Ears
Joined
Jul 19, 2010
Messages
4
Hi guys! I'm a longtime member of these boards, unfortunately wanted to post this under a different name for various reasons. Anyway, a little about myself then to my issue. I'm a divorced mother to my DD8, tried the dating thing for about 2 years and decided to take a break. I have never been in any type of relationship with another female, even as a teen, never experimented, not even a kiss. I was raised very religiously, grandfather is a preacher. Never had a problem with gay friends, not intolerant of anyone really, just wasn't ever my "thing".

Anyway, I met this woman about a year ago through her cousin who is my friend, she is openly gay, we became fast friends, eventually best friends, my DD loves her, all my friends like her, etc. From the time we met, she had a crush on me and didn't hide it, lol. But she knew I was straight. It was never an issue, didn't bother me at all, we got really close. Well, a few months ago, I realized that I was fighting these feelings that I had for her and finally told her. One thing lead to another, we got physical, yada yada, and pretty much we have been together since.

She has told me that she doesn't mind if I date other people (guys) because she understands that this is all new to me etc, I can't get her to understand that I don't want to date anyone else. I really don't think she means it though, because the other night we were watching a movie and an ex of mine, who I'm still friends with, called just to talk and she got really jealous.

We tell people that we are just friends, but all of our friends know that we have been intimate and some have even asked why we aren't exclusively dating. She says that she doesn't want things to get confusing for me and my DD so it's best to just say we are friends. We spend the night together almost nightly. We took my DD to the movies and she sat in between us and grabbed our hands and made us hold them in her lap, it was really cute! She has seen us kiss, although my friend doesn't like that, it doesn't bother me, or DD. DD has asked us if we are gonna get married, she asked me that about the last 3 BFs I had too.

My friends family love me and DD, they all pretty much know that we are basically together, her parents have even asked her how serious we are she tells them we are just BFFs but yes, we've been intimate.

So I guess my issue is, what is the problem??? I want to get serious, she doesn't, she tells me to date other people but she's not (and I would be really pissed if she did) but she gets mad if I talk to anyone else, she says she doesn't want to ruin our friendship, but that's a worry about any freindship/relationship right? She says she doesn't want to make things complicated for me with my family or job or ex husband, I say I don't care what anyone else thinks, she doesn't make things complicated for me, any problem people may have is their problem not mine/ours. She says she doesn't want to confuse my DD, I doubt there will be any confusion.

So, what do you guys think?
 
Well, 1st, congrats for coming to terms with who you are. Is your friend 100%? Have you asked her why she's kissed you and been intimate w/ you, but doesn't want a relationship? To me, it sounds like she wants it both ways. Doesn't seem very fair... how long was her last relationship? I'd also be a bit concerned that she seems to be downplaying your relationship. BFF's don't generally sleep together. So if your spending alot of time together and spending practically every night together, it SOUNDS like there is more to it, than just friends.

I would just come out and ask what her intentions are. You have a right to ask that. I wish you luck, it's not an easy situation.

Hugs from someone who's also met my best friend and am marrying her in a few months!
 
Hmm. I'm a straight girl, but here's my thought:
My take on it is that she sounds like she is very worried that at some point you will decide you really ARE straight and leave her with a broken heart. So she is kind of trying to be cool and make it clear that your other options are still open. She might really want a committed relationship, but she is afraid that admitting that will be rushing you into a decision prematurely.

I wish you the best! :wizard:
 
Well, 1st, congrats for coming to terms with who you are. Is your friend 100%? Have you asked her why she's kissed you and been intimate w/ you, but doesn't want a relationship? To me, it sounds like she wants it both ways. Doesn't seem very fair... how long was her last relationship? I'd also be a bit concerned that she seems to be downplaying your relationship. BFF's don't generally sleep together. So if your spending alot of time together and spending practically every night together, it SOUNDS like there is more to it, than just friends.

I would just come out and ask what her intentions are. You have a right to ask that. I wish you luck, it's not an easy situation.

Hugs from someone who's also met my best friend and am marrying her in a few months!

Congrats on your upcoming marriage! Yes, she is out, she has been out for a few years now and her family had a really hard time accepting that. Her last relationship lasted for 2 and a half years and ended about a year before she and I met. She says that she's just genuinely concerned with how people will react towards me if we were together. I understand that she had a hard time with her family for a while at 1st but I really don't care what people may think, my family is very tolerant anyway, I doubt they will have a problem with us. She tells me that she has serious feelings for me but doesn't want to put me in a bad situation. We do spend a lot of time together, when we go out, we typically hold hands and sit beside each other, we kiss in public, there's no hiding going on, we include my DD in a lot of outings too. I really don't know what the problem is. I know she's not seeing anyone else, so don't think that. Thanks for your response!
 

I would be worried that if you went into a relationship with her she would cause you to leave your family and friends behind using her jealous reactions to stuff.

But if you want some really solid advice I would recommend Dan Savage. I listen to his podcast and he tells it like it is. No BS from him. He is a sex advice columnist and he knows his stuff about relation ships and sex.
 
Hmm. I'm a straight girl, but here's my thought:
My take on it is that she sounds like she is very worried that at some point you will decide you really ARE straight and leave her with a broken heart. So she is kind of trying to be cool and make it clear that your other options are still open. She might really want a committed relationship, but she is afraid that admitting that will be rushing you into a decision prematurely.

I wish you the best! :wizard:

You know, you may be onto something. It's been forever now...but my Beloved WAS afraid the first year we were together, that yes, I would change my mind. She was afraid that coming out for me would be so hard and I would just throw in the towel. Luckily, my family & friends were AMAZING and simply wanted me to be happy. Once she SAW that, her fears subsided.

Best of luck Sweetie :hug:
 
If it were me, I would probably be worried you would change your mind. I will admit, straight girls scare me! LOL Some of my friends seem to date straight girls exclusively. I don’t get it, I am more of a gold star kind of girl.:confused3 I would also be worried that me being your first relationship that eventually you start thinking that maybe you jumped into this too soon. I guess I would also want you to make sure and probably see other people. Then again, I am far from a jealous type so for me that works.

I would probably lay it on the line tell her what you want and tell her just to think about it. No need for an answer right away.
 
Hmm. I'm a straight girl, but here's my thought:
My take on it is that she sounds like she is very worried that at some point you will decide you really ARE straight and leave her with a broken heart. So she is kind of trying to be cool and make it clear that your other options are still open. She might really want a committed relationship, but she is afraid that admitting that will be rushing you into a decision prematurely.

I wish you the best! :wizard:

I too was wondering this reading the thread as a woman married to a man and could imagine your new partner having concerns that you may, as they say, return to the other team one day.

Maybe have a heart to heart; and let her know that while there is never 100% certainty in this world that you will be together forever however you are there for the long haul and that it is her that you truly want to be with.
 
Hmmm, you guys are good! Thanks. I talked to her last night and pointedly asked her what the problem was. Was she worried that I was gonna decide that I didn't want to be with a woman and leave her? She answered "yes" that was exactly her worry.

She mentioned that 1 day we were at her aunt's house and her aunt asked me if we were involved and I said she's my BF and she asked me if I was gay too and I said no I'm straight. I never thought about it after that but aparently she has thought a lot about my response to her aunt and basically I guess I hurt her feelings with that conversation and she felt that if I saw myself as being straight then I was not ready to be in a relationship with her. I explained to her that I was just going by what she has told her family, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings and truthfully I wanted to tell her aunt, yes we are together, but I knew that she has told her family that we are just friends so I figured I should follow suit, kwim?

She asked me if I still felt like I should classify myself as being straight. Truthfully IDK, I mean I've never had any type of feelings for any other female. To me, straight,bi or gay, I don't care how people would classify me, I'm happy with her, we have a lot of fun together, my feelings are real and strong...I don't really see a need to clarify anything.

Oh and something I though was really sweet, last night my DD came out and told her that she loved her and asked if she could call her mommy #2. lol We had a good laugh at that!
 
I am glad you had the courage to talk to your partner. I hope that this has now opened the door to new experiences and possibilities for you both and of course your daughter who appears to be having a positive reaction to all of this. :hug:

I wish all three of you continued happiness and I hope that you gals have a wonderful adventure as you continue to grow together as a family.
 
I am glad you had the courage to talk to your partner. I hope that this has now opened the door to new experiences and possibilities for you both and of course your daughter who appears to be having a positive reaction to all of this. :hug:

I wish all three of you continued happiness and I hope that you gals have a wonderful adventure as you continue to grow together as a family.

I could not have said that better!
 
Reading a couple of days late. It seems like you've gotten good advice.

The one thing I'd add is that identifying as 'bi' doesn't have a clear definition. Even though I've been in a monogamous marriage for 6 years, I still call myself 'bi' when asked to self-identify. This doesn't mean that I'm going to leave my wife for a man. But, it does mean that if something happened to her and I had to start dating again I wouldn't be gender exclusive.

Even if she tells her family that you are just friends, you don't have to call yourself straight unless you think that you really are. It's not so unusual for a person to be predominantly attracted to one sex, but, end up long-term with someone from another.
 












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