Need some advice....very long

[belleandthebeast]

About a month ago I mentioned that my DSis and BIL were contemplating a divorce. Things weren't working out, yada, yada.

So they have this talk and decide to try and save their marriage. Only problem is BIL won't go to counseling. I believe this to be a big factor in saving their marriage. BIL refuses. A month later, they're no better than they were before, he still won't go to counseling. My DSis is extremely unhappy but won't go to counseling herself because HER BIL, BIL's brother (who recently was divorced), told her he tried counseling by himself when he was going through his divorce and the therapist told him counseling only worked when both parties were present. I told her she should go anyway, she said no point in going if he won't.

I believe the marriage is over. He doesn't want to deal w/ the problems. It's just a matter of time.

Fast foward to last night, our tradition has always been that my Mom and I take their 2 girls trick or treating. The parents take them during the day (our town's business do the TOT thing druing the day) and we take them at night. So we go TOT and on the way to bringing the girls home, I spot my BIL at a gas station. Talking to a girl. (The same girl he talks to EVERYDAY after work at the bus stop when he's waiting to pick up my niece.) Okay, so I normal wouldn't give it a second thought but with everything going on, I'm a little suspicious. So I don't mention it to my DSis when we drop the girls off but as we're leaving, he comes home. I told him I saw him and beeped. He turned red as can be and said he knew. I DO NOT in anyway want to be involved in the issues they are facing, and I didn't mention it to my DSis but I'm starting to think maybe I should have. This is their problem to work out, but I'm certainly not going to stand by and watch my DSis be made a fool of while my BIL is troncing off w/ some other girl. If he wants that, it's fine. Things happen. But NOT while he's still married to my DSis. Okay, this is me being very protective. I know my DSis is difficult to deal with, but if you want out, say the word.

I don't want to be flamed for getting involved, I just don't want my DSis to have to deal with that. I did, it's not a fun time. My DSis told me what's going on between them so it's not like I invited myself into something so personal.

Should I have told my DSis, or just mind my own business. Again, I don't want to be flamed, just want some advice.

 

[ZachnElli]

No advice, but I feel your pain and frustration! I am in almost the exact same situation, but it's my brother and it's his wife who won't get counseling. And she has a "friend", who is now sleeping over at their house and taking and picking up my brother's kids from school!!!! She just filed for divorce this week!! My brother is living with me and this is absolute torture for him!! She wants 3/4 of his paycheck, the house, etc. And he still loves her and is in love with her, is going to counseling all by himself and the church minister and she is ripping his heart out! I've said nothing and he's been living here for just over 2 months. It's so hard to say nothing to her! I want SO bad to pick up the phone and rip her a new one! But I haven't. But I really, REALLY want to! Ok, so I totally understand where you are coming from, but certainly no advice! I just have to say, what are these people thinking??? My brother is a great guy!!! She's nuts!!

 

[NMAmy]

You know, normally I would say let them work it out. However, this is your sister. You know something that she should know. I would tell her.

My ex cheated on me when we were married. After we separated, I was really shocked at how many friends I had that were pretty sure what was going on but didn't want to tell me. I was really hurt by that--and humiliated that it took me so long to figure it out. If my own sister had known something about it and hadn't told me, I would have been devastated.

 

[budbeerlady]

It is so hard to say this, I know you want to tell Dsis. But you have to keep it quite untill its about to kill ya.

You described the situation my close cousin is in, they are almost done, she says for him to say the words and she will go.... but it drags on. She goes to counseling as he wont and 2 seperate family members have caught him in less favorable circumstances than your BIL. But I keep my mouth shut and listen to her when she is upset. She knows its not good, it most likely wont get better, I am not going to add to her problems or air dirty laundry. I love my family and if they work it out in time I dont want her upset with me. Her parents even saw him and know but they dont want to lose their daughter and grandkids from thier lives so no one talks about it.

 

[snowy76]

There's an alarm bell going off in my head if your BIL won't go to counseling and has been seen with another woman. He's already checked out, IMO and is probably with someone else already. You need to let your sis know -- and help her make a clean break if it's clear BIL doesn't want to work on it. Which to me, based on his behavior, he doesn't.

My ex cheated on me when we were married. After we separated, I was really shocked at how many friends I had that were pretty sure what was going on but didn't want to tell me. I was really hurt by that--and humiliated that it took me so long to figure it out.

This is exactly what happened to DH when his ex-W cheated on him. By the time he found out, she had moved out with my DStepS and DStepD and within a couple of months moved the new guy in. Thank goodness for the kids' sake, she's not with him anymore either.

 

[MareQ]

Your loyalty is to your sister not your BIL. Tell her what you know and what you saw - let her interpret what it was and leave it at that. At no point should you hide anything from her unless she tells you she wants you to mind your own business.

 

[belleandthebeast]

Thanks so much!! I really felt that is what I needed to do but sometimes I can be a bit overbearing. Thanks!!!! For your advice and stories. I just feel so bad for her. And mad that he won't even consider counseling.

 

[marybet]

Since you have already spoken to your BIL and he knows you know, why don't you call him and tell him that if he isn't honest with your sister than you will tell her. That gives him a chance to do the right thing and also keep you from being the one to break the news to your sister.