Need some advice please!

[ktpool]

My kindergarten son has a neighbor (2 houses away) oy in his class. This boy does not have the best home life and I feel sorry for him - he is a good kid.

Since the 2 boys have gotten a little more independant and older this spring, the neighbor boy has been coming over to our yard after school or after supper to play. They usually only play outside and do not get into trouble. I am happy they are playing, as I don't have to hear that he is bored, or wonder what he is doing.

The problem is my husband. He does not like this boy's family and in turn, does not like the neighbor boy coming over. He doesn't want them playing together so much just on principle . I think it is good for the boy to have a stable family influence in his life. I believe we should welcome him here as long as he is not a bad influence on my son (they are only 6 for goodness sake!)

However, I am not the one home in the afternoon, dh is. So he is the one that is around mostly when the boys are playing. Also, with summer coming up and having an teenager as our summer babysitter, dh has 'mandated' that the neighbor boy does not come over to play since 'he's not paying someone to watch him!" I think the babysitter will be happy to have my son have a playmate so she doesn't have to entertain him, as long as they are not in the house and not causing trouble. We don't have to pay extra - it can be her choice, right?

DS is going to be very upset when I tell him that the boy can't come over anymore. I can't tell him why. And I know I will hear complaints from my dh that ds was underfoot/or watching TV all afternoon! What does he expect?

Can someone please tell me if I am being unreasonable, advise on how to make dh see the benefit of ds having a playmate or help me see my husbands point of view - because I am at a loss.

Thanks for any advice!

 

[Hannathy]

I think your husband is acting more like a 6 yr old than your 6 yr old. I think you are right and he is wrong. As long as they are playing nicely and he isn't a bad influence ( bad words or violence) I think it is nice for your son to have a playmate. Kids have to learn to get along with all different kind of people in this world. I also don't think it is fair to punish the child for his family , he didn't ask to be born to a lousy family.

As far as what to tell your son YOU don't tell him anything if your husband doesn't want him there he should tell your son end of story. I hope your husband reconsiders or it is going to be a long summer for everyone.

 

[ktpool]

I think your husband is acting more like a 6 yr old than your 6 yr old. I think you are right and he is wrong. As long as they are playing nicely and he isn't a bad influence ( bad words or violence) I think it is nice for your son to have a playmate. Kids have to learn to get along with all different kind of people in this world. I also don't think it is fair to punish the child for his family , he didn't ask to be born to a lousy family.

As far as what to tell your son YOU don't tell him anything if your husband doesn't want him there he should tell your son end of story. I hope your husband reconsiders or it is going to be a long summer for everyone.

Thanks! That is a great point about ME not saying anything - it will be him, if this comes to pass!

 

[Aidensmom]

I agree with you, it is good for this little boy to be in an environment with a stable family if he does not have that at home.

That being said, what is it that your husband doesn't like about this family? I guess what I am asking is, are they doing anything illegal (like using/selling drugs, etc) ? If so, I could understand your husband not wanting any association with them at all. If he just does not like their personalities or their lifestyles, well then I think he is wrong, that shouldn't be held against the child. Have you told him how you think it is good for the child to hang around a more stable environment, that it might help the kid out?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Why does your DH think the boy's family is that bad?

I hope your DH changes his heart and mind. I think it's like you said it's a win-win situation. Good for the boy and good for your DS.

Maybe if you give your DH some examples of how he (DH) will have a long summer it will aid in changing his mind. Or tell him about how your DS will be deprived of a friend he really cares about. Or tell DH to put himself in his DS's (and/or the other boy's) shoes. He was 6 years old once.

Good luck! I'd be working all the angles (a little at a time) on that DH!

 

[ktpool]

Hi Beth!

I did tell him all of the arguments I made in my posting...but am just king of getting the cold shoulder so far the rest of the night!

They are not doing anything illegal, but there is a lot of disruption (parents fought ALOT, got divorced, restraining orders, etc), the mother just remarried a man she dated a only a few weeks and already the boy is calling him Dad. He has 2 older siblings - the brother speeds up and down our road in his TransAm (got a ticket doing 110!) and did not go to school this year much (he is maybe 17). His older sister actually used to babysit for us when she was 12-13, but she is almost 16 now and has changed a lot.

The only point I can see of my husband's is that the boy used to walk to daycare afterschool and now just comes home. I don't know if it because his siblings are supposed to be watching him or they assume he can just come here. But school is out in 1 week, so what's the difference?

I appreciate the advice!
I am pretty torn about this...

 

[Aidensmom]

It does sound like the child could use a stable environment!

Does your husband feel like he is getting used as a free babysitter because the child is at your house instead of the siblings watching him as they are supposed to? If you can figure out the root of your husbands feelings, it will give you a better idea how to talk to him about this.

 

[MAKmom]

This is a hard one. I agree with you. They are just playing in your yard. What will DS do without his palymate? Will DH play with him since he is home? Maybe give in for a week & DH will come around. These things have a way of working out. Maybe the other boy will be in camp all summer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since your dh is home, let him deal with it. I think that is the fair way to handle it.

As far as the babysitter, I agree with your DH. You are not paying the babysitter for an extra child and to have a babysitter watch an extra kid would be wrong.

 

[ktpool]

Thanks everyone! I am sure it will work out. I will keep having the boy over when I am home and maybe he will come around!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

As far as summer, I don't know why the babysitter would mind him coming over and playing outside with your son as long as it wasn't all day, every day. As long as the boy isn't a bad influence I don't know why your DH would have a problem unless he does feel that he's being used as free daycare for the boy. It's not as if they are going to reciprocate, nor would you let them even if they offered. Hopefully your DH will come around.

 

[ktpool]

Tiggerbelle,
You are correct - we will not let ds play over there. We did one time and he came home talking about the Playstation game where he killed the policeman We have a Playstation, but have Shrek, ATV racing, Crash Bandicoot, etc!

The funny thing is, we let them have a sleepover a couple of weekends ago here (well, I let them ), and the boy was the most polite child. No roughhousing, fighting - nothing. Not like our 'good friends' boy - oh my!

When he left, I said "Thanks Thad for being such a wonderful guest." And he answered, "Sometimes I am and sometimes I am not!". So Funny - even dh laughed and said "Well, at least your honest!"

 

[Forevryoung]

I know things from your son's point of view-

Starting in fourth grade up until 8th grade, I had a good friend who came from a HORRIBLE home life- she lived with her grandma and aunt because her remarried mom didnt want her and her dad couldn't provide a stable home environment. Looking back I'm sure there were drugs and alcohol involved. I came from a wonderful family- two parents and a sister, nice clean house, no yelling and screaming, good food... My parents welcomed her into our house any time I wanted her over. I never went to her house (they also bred chow dogs, nasty creatures).

I remember her telling me one night during a sleepover how much she loved being at my house with my family. It was something she could only dream of.

I moved in 8th grade and we didnt really keep in touch. She eventually drifted into a bad crowd (that I had been able to keep her away from with my friendship) and when I was able to contact her in 10th grade she had been clean from heroin for a few months. Last I heard on the rumor train is she had died from a drug overdose. Who knows if that's true.

But I know I made her life a bit better while I could.

Tell your dh that it may not be the other child having a negative effect on your son but your son realizing (even at that young age) that we need to be thankful for what we have and share it with others. Besides, it feels good to be the break in the clouds in someone else's day.

 

[ktpool]

Forevryoung,
You certainly make a compelling argument for me to stick to my guns. I am so sorry about your friend. Who knows, the boys may drift apart later - I told dh that we aren't going to be able to pick all of his friends and we better pick our battles for the really bad ones!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I've always told my kids that it's important to surround themselves with friends who are doing good things and are a positive influence. But just because this boys family isn't a good influence doesn't mean that there's a problem with the boy.

 

[Disney Doll]

First I'd tell my DH to behave like an adult and not a spoiled, sulking child.

Then I'd tell him that if he didn't want DS to play with this other child, then he could tell DS the reasons why.

Then I'd remind him that what this child's family does should not be taken out on a 6 year old. He can't help the family he was born in to. I would remind DH of your chance to possibly "save" this child. You guys can possibly make a HUGE difference in the life of this child...showing him stability, a normal family lie, giving him love and attention that he might not get at home. If the child is not a bad influence on your DS, I'd let him come over as often as he wanted to. Seems like everyone would benefit from it.