Need shoulder to cry on and parenting advice

[Andrea_loves_Disney]

Hello everyone! I don't post here very often but I am really in need of counseling!! I have a 15 year old daughter who is mostly a great person! Smart, athletic, good kid, great friends,etc...always been an honor roll student. BUT..... whenever she gets a low grade, bad paper, anything like that ...she wallows in self pity...and refuses to accept any responsibility for the grade she got. Example "This is NOT FAIR! I read the books and my friend did NOT...I got a D and she got a B...this is SO unfair!!!" We are talking about a multiple choice test so I don't really think it could be "unfair" in any way....then after the "unfair" rant ...she just resorts to "I am stupid. I fail everything." (Which of course is absolutely untrue)

I really try SO hard to be supportive right when these meltdowns start...but her refusal to accept any of the responsibility ...blaming it on someone else...just sends me into orbit. I take deep breaths...I try to say encouraging things...but she continues to get more irrational...."I HATE SCHOOL!!!! I AM MISERABLE!! I AM SO STUPID!!! " just send me....I cannot say ANYTHING that she will listen to or accept. Eventually I just walk away ..there is no point in trying to reason with her.

School just started and here we are....I was hoping sophomore year would be better than freshman year...she had one of these meltdowns I'd say once a month or so...and then of course she ended up on high honor roll (with honors classes) at the end of the year.

So how do you talk to someone who is so irrational???I think she might need some sort of counseling but when I bring that up she flips out..."So you think I am CRAZY!!!??? So now I am stupid and crazy??" These conversations are so counterproductive.

I know she is a teenager and these things will pass, but at the moment it makes our house pretty unpleasant at times....poor DS10 ends up in his room with the door closed because he cannot stand to listen to all the crying and yelling. It is just awful!

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this.. I don't expect anyone to have a "magic cure" for what amounts to a drama queen teenager's periodic meltdowns...but anyone who has been there done that and can empathize with me...I would appreciate hearing from you!

 

[Pixieflip]

Blaming everyone else sets me off, too. But it seems to be prevalent with kids today (maybe always!), so you are not alone. Our "disucssions" with our 16 year old son usually have to do with his grades dropping because of his laziness - which so sets me off!!! Ugh. You'd think the unpleasant discussions would be deterrent enough, but they are not, never have been. They can be so grown up and so immature all at the same time, can't they?!

Parenting teens can be so tough. I'm a mom of 4 kids and still no expert, but my suggestion is to contact your school counselor. She might have some really good words of wisdom on how to respond in these situations. She should also be willing to meet with your daughter. No one in school has to know. You are wise to understand that she needs to be able to handle life's ups and downs as well as taking responsibility for our grades/actions.

Good luck.

 

[luvsJack]

Some of this type of behavior can be normal for teens, with all the hormones in such a mess. I was kind of that way in hs, especially with my mom. I would ask her advice and no matter which answer she gave, I would just go off ranting about why that wouldn't work. I also remember saying "its not FAAAAIIIRRR" a LOT too. I even would complain about always getting blamed for everything---I was the only kid in the house, all my siblings were married!

But, there is a point at which it becomes a problem. And I guess the parent would be the best judge of that point. I would suggest at least one or two counceling sessions or maybe a talk with her doctor.

 

[golfgal]

As a mom to two 15 year olds and an 18 year old-it sounds pretty normal to me . Not to make light of the situation but this is how teenagers think. The more you get into it with her, the more she will respond this way. For some kids school is just easier then it is for others. Our DS15 never studies for tests (he does his homework but never reviews anything before a test) and aces everything. DD15 makes flash cards, rereads chapters, etc. and does well but she has to study go get A's. It's frustrating for her but then we point out the areas where she excels and he doesn't.

I think you just need to sit down with her (not right after she gets a bad score back-maybe some Saturday afternoon) and tell her that part of growing up is learning to take responsibility for your actions. If you got a D on a test that you studied for maybe you need to study in a different way or maybe you need to go in and talk to the teacher but this behavior at home has to stop.

 

[robinb]

Andrea: I don't have any advise but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My 11-year old DD exhibits some of the same behaviors. The melt downs when she gets frustrated, "it's not FAIR!", "I'm stupid!", the inability to accept proper responsibility, etc. Like you, I can't get through to her when she's like that and it makes me crazy! I hope that someone can suggest some solutions for both of us .

Could it be perfectionism from your DD? My DD is very competitive (swimming) and I think some of her reactions come from not wanting to lose or admit that her best was not good enough. Since it can't possibly be her, it must be someone else's fault.

 

[DVCLiz]

I think you might benefit from talking to a school counseler just to get some perspective on how other kids might be dealing with the same issues - that's your choice if you feel it would be helpful.

But, I have to say that at age 15 I would no longer be putting up with that kind of tantrum, epsecially if other children were being affected by it. At some point I would say to her, "You know, I have been thinking about how you react sometimes to your grades and school - and I don't see that I am helpful when you are in a bad mood about it. It's affecting your brother and no one finds it pleasant so from now on if you are in that mood I expect you to be in your room dealing with your emotions until you can be pleasant again. If you need my help and can talk calmly I'll be happy to discuss your feelings and help you in any way I can. But you are too old to be having a tantrum and I will no longer put up with it. "

Then I'd set some realistic boundaries and stick to them. She's behaving this way because she can - I'd treat her like a child and put some restrictions in place.

Of course the underlying issue is still there but if you can't help and she won't follow through on any other alternatives I think you have the right to expect her to stop behaving like a 5 year old at age 15. She doesn't have much time left before college - how on earth will she cope there alone if she can't figure it out with you now?

 

[mjkacmom]

When did she hit puberty? Dd14 is already pretty much over this stage, but hit puberty 2 1/2 years ago. These meltdowns were common (she never got less than an A). I told her to go to her room and settle down - do not engage.

 

[horseshowmom]

I think you just need to sit down with her (not right after she gets a bad score back-maybe some Saturday afternoon) and tell her that part of growing up is learning to take responsibility for your actions. If you got a D on a test that you studied for maybe you need to study in a different way or maybe you need to go in and talk to the teacher but this behavior at home has to stop.

But, I have to say that at age 15 I would no longer be putting up with that kind of tantrum, epsecially if other children were being affected by it. At some point I would say to her, "You know, I have been thinking about how you react sometimes to your grades and school - and I don't see that I am helpful when you are in a bad mood about it. It's affecting your brother and no one finds it pleasant so from now on if you are in that mood I expect you to be in your room dealing with your emotions until you can be pleasant again. If you need my help and can talk calmly I'll be happy to discuss your feelings and help you in any way I can. But you are too old to be having a tantrum and I will no longer put up with it. "

Then I'd set some realistic boundaries and stick to them. She's behaving this way because she can - I'd treat her like a child and put some restrictions in place.

Of course the underlying issue is still there but if you can't help and she won't follow through on any other alternatives I think you have the right to expect her to stop behaving like a 5 year old at age 15. She doesn't have much time left before college - how on earth will she cope there alone if she can't figure it out with you now?

I agree with these. I raised a melodramatic daughter. From the time she was little, you had to be careful about giving too much sympathy because a minor issue could become the end of the world. She has to learn to deal with life's bumps, or she's going to make herself as miserable as she's making everybody else. One of these days she's probably going to be married, and husbands don't have nearly as much patience as mothers!

 

[ilovejack02]

As others have said I think this is some what normal behavior. It is how you respond that is the the trick.

My DS21 at times behaved like this and I can remember pulling the same things as a teenager too.

DS10 should not feel like he needs to hide in his room.

DD needs to be the one that is off in her room crying it out and the gathering herself back together before coming out.

Talk to her a bit when she gets a bad grade or about what ever else is setting her off and then if she can't control herself, give a sweet smile, let her know you love her and send her packing to her room. Tell her you will be waiting to talk when she is in a better mood. If she will not go off to quiet herself and becomes more unreasonable then there will be consequences and outline what they will before the next melt down when she is in a quiet calm mood. DS at first when we tried this, slammed doors and got louder etc, which we weren't going to accept . He figured it out quick.
You need to let her know it is ok to be upset about things ,but tantrums aren't the way to handle it.


Someone else hit the nail on the head, how can they be so mature and so immature all at the same time?? Used to drive me WILD, but learned the best way was to never engage when he was in a mood like this.

 

[laurafergie]

As a mom to two 15 year olds and an 18 year old-it sounds pretty normal to me . Not to make light of the situation but this is how teenagers think. The more you get into it with her, the more she will respond this way. For some kids school is just easier then it is for others. Our DS15 never studies for tests (he does his homework but never reviews anything before a test) and aces everything. DD15 makes flash cards, rereads chapters, etc. and does well but she has to study go get A's. It's frustrating for her but then we point out the areas where she excels and he doesn't.

I think you just need to sit down with her (not right after she gets a bad score back-maybe some Saturday afternoon) and tell her that part of growing up is learning to take responsibility for your actions. If you got a D on a test that you studied for maybe you need to study in a different way or maybe you need to go in and talk to the teacher but this behavior at home has to stop.

ITA!!

The underlying cause of the behavior probably is some sort of insecurity and I think most people have this to some degree.

But in our household we would also REALLY focus on the behavior.

poor DS10 ends up in his room with the door closed because he cannot stand to listen to all the crying and yelling. It is just awful!

It is not fair to the rest of your household that everything comes to a full and complete stop because your DD is having a self indulgent temper tantrum. In real life, in a real job, or in a real COLLEGE - she can't do this and has to buck up.

I would not engage her behavior in anyway. In fact, if possible - I would even take the other kids and leave the house. Then later when things were calm, have a severe heart to heart, time to put on your big girl panties, kind of talk - put her on notice that the behavior will stop - or privileges will stop. Privileges are only for people who act their age. The end.

 

[rodeo65]

Andrea: I don't have any advise but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My 11-year old DD exhibits some of the same behaviors. The melt downs when she gets frustrated, "it's not FAIR!", "I'm stupid!", the inability to accept proper responsibility, etc. Like you, I can't get through to her when she's like that and it makes me crazy! I hope that someone can suggest some solutions for both of us .

Could it be perfectionism from your DD? My DD is very competitive (swimming) and I think some of her reactions come from not wanting to lose or admit that her best was not good enough. Since it can't possibly be her, it must be someone else's fault.

This is exactly what I was thinking - the perfectionism. I have one of each of what you describe, although we're not into the teens yet. I assume the drama will get worse.

DS is the non-responsibility guy - although later in rational moments he can agree to his role is whatever the situation but his immediate knee jerk is "deflect, deflect, deflect."

DD is more the perfectionist, but in her it manifests in shutting down. I see it in homework, activities and even with friends. If she doesn't get it the first time she doesn't want to do the work anymore. In activities, as soon as it's hard or uncomfortable, she wants to drop the sport or activity. Any kind of slight from friends and she will never be friends with them again. Of course she is the next day, but I do worry about her ability to handle life's knocks.

I agree with Pixieflip - the school counsellor should be well equipped to deal with this kind of situation. Could you approach the counsellor first to see if she/ he can somehow arrange to meet with your DD. Sometimes someone other than mom or dad can suggest something and it will be accepted when if it comes from you it's a huge issue.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I HUG. I envelope the teen dd's and just comfort them and let them vent. I call it "HUG THERAPY". I developed it when my oldest was in middle school. I can say that it really turned things around for us and made "home" a soft place to fall.

I guess I see it as no different than when you want to vent to your DH and just vent and not have him offer solutions. You just want someone to listen.

My dd's are 19 (college sophmore) and almost 14.

We deal with the perfectionism with my youngest dd. She is on meds and has had counseling because she is such a perfectionist, she had to fix herself early. She doesn't "outburst" or call her stupid. She gets depressed. Hence the counseling/meds for her.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I haven't read thru all the responses.
I just wanted to throw out my initial thoughts.

I know you want to be supportive... And, you should, of course!... Until one of these meltdowns starts brewing...

Seriously, it sounds like all the 'support' and 'discussion' are just enabling the behavior, getting her the 'attention', and feeding the fire.

When behavior becomes way out of line and over the top.... I simply do not want to condone or enable the behavior.... Seriously, I would just say, look, I know you are upset... I understand... Then, after awhile, it would be... "Hey, I don't want to listen to all of this any more right now..." and send her off until she can calm down.

When he was young, my DS was very easily overwhelmed and could begin to get into these out-of-control fits.... That is NOT the time for 'discussion'.... And, I happen to believe the old adage that teenagers, at times, are a repeat of the terrible toddler years!!! Hahahaha!!!!

Once the person has began to self-regulate.... Then is the time where they are open to really connecting... THAT is the time for some big hugs... if that seems to help and to be what she wants...

If you try different methods and tactics, and these things do not improve soon, then, IMHO, I think it might be time to look into some professional avenues.... I wouldn't make this a huge topic of 'discussion' either... If I, as the parent, felt that this was what might be best.... I would simply move forward with it, start the process, and then, when your daughter seems to be stable and in a good frame of mind... I would say, "We have an appointment Monday, with so-and-so... I think we should give this a try..."

My DS has not really started this teen stuff just yet...
So, all I can do is sit here and look forward to what might be coming my way...

But, I hope this helps.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Some of this type of behavior can be normal for teens, with all the hormones in such a mess. I was kind of that way in hs, especially with my mom. I would ask her advice and no matter which answer she gave, I would just go off ranting about why that wouldn't work. I also remember saying "its not FAAAAIIIRRR" a LOT too. I even would complain about always getting blamed for everything---I was the only kid in the house, all my siblings were married!

But, there is a point at which it becomes a problem. And I guess the parent would be the best judge of that point. I would suggest at least one or two counceling sessions or maybe a talk with her doctor.

I agree. This sounds like depressive speak to me, but if it's not occurring very often, it could just be normal teenagistis.

 

[Liberty Belle]

As a mom to two 15 year olds and an 18 year old-it sounds pretty normal to me . Not to make light of the situation but this is how teenagers think. The more you get into it with her, the more she will respond this way. For some kids school is just easier then it is for others. Our DS15 never studies for tests (he does his homework but never reviews anything before a test) and aces everything. DD15 makes flash cards, rereads chapters, etc. and does well but she has to study go get A's. It's frustrating for her but then we point out the areas where she excels and he doesn't.

I think you just need to sit down with her (not right after she gets a bad score back-maybe some Saturday afternoon) and tell her that part of growing up is learning to take responsibility for your actions. If you got a D on a test that you studied for maybe you need to study in a different way or maybe you need to go in and talk to the teacher but this behavior at home has to stop.

My 17 year old must be abnormal, because I've never heard these things from him.

 

[golfgal]

My 17 year old must be abnormal, because I've never heard these things from him.

Probably

 

[Liberty Belle]

Probably

I can't deny it.

 

[golfgal]

I can't deny it.

There aren't a lot of kids that haven't used the excuse "the teacher didn't tell us..." or "my dog ate it..." or "so and so was making noise during the test so I couldn't concentrate..." or something similar. When I hear these types of things out of my kids' mouths they usually hear "suck it up, buttercup" from me .

NOW, that doesn't mean that sometimes they aren't right. Their science teacher last year had a VERY bad habit of telling one class one thing and another class another thing and then doing something all together different. From the amount of texts, phone calls and Facebook messages flying back and forth about science class last year we were inclined to believe that it WAS the teacher in this case.

 

[Andrea_loves_Disney]

Thanks everyone for such insightful replies!!! I definately feel better today...knowing (which I knew all along!) that I was not alone dealing with this...and that there had to be a better way to deal with her outbursts. The next time this happens, I think I will go with the "do not engage" tactic..tell her I am sorry she is so upset, I understand, etc and send her to her room until she calms down. I just wish I had one of you to sit on my shoulder to whisper "...remain calm, remain calm..."
Thanks again to all!!!

 

[Liberty Belle]

There aren't a lot of kids that haven't used the excuse "the teacher didn't tell us..." or "my dog ate it..." or "so and so was making noise during the test so I couldn't concentrate..." or something similar. When I hear these types of things out of my kids' mouths they usually hear "suck it up, buttercup" from me .

NOW, that doesn't mean that sometimes they aren't right. Their science teacher last year had a VERY bad habit of telling one class one thing and another class another thing and then doing something all together different. From the amount of texts, phone calls and Facebook messages flying back and forth about science class last year we were inclined to believe that it WAS the teacher in this case.

I have heard the teacher thing, but not in a long while (middle school?). Maybe it's because we never indulged it?