Need prayers and advice..

[Nwfdrool]

..on how to explain that a loved one is dying? My BIL is losing his fight against brain cancer. There is nothing more that the doctors can do for him and we are preparing to say good-bye. I have a 4yr old and 21 month old. The 21 month old won't remember or comphrehend what is happening. But, my 4 yr old DD will ask many questions. She will notice that everyone is sad and that her uncle will not be there during family gatherings. We need to find a way to explain it all without scaring her. We have told her that he is sick and went to the hospital this morning to be with my sister. I did not let her see him to say good-bye even though I wanted to. I just thought she would get scared seeing him hooked up to a ventilator and machines. I need advice and prayers--I'm not quite sure what we should say or do. We knew that this day might come, but were hoping for a miracle and now I'm at a loss. Are there any child friendly books especially for very young children that tells a story about losing a loved one or about cancer? What and how should we explain this to DD?

 

[mommasita]

My MIL passed away from lung cancer when my son had just turned five, and on my daughter's 2nd birthday. It was extremely hard on my son, who was VERY close with her. As you mentioned, my daughter was VERY young, as is your child, and my MIL was sick from the day she was born, so they did not spend as much time together. She raised my son along with me, and only wanted to make it to his first day of school, and did not.

I tried to explain simply to my son, what he really understood I don't know. I never did bring him to the hospital, but he did see her without her hair, and at some very bad times at home. He was compassionate, but never seemed afraid, and I was glad for that. I denied him nothing he wanted to know, or see. He often asked to go visit her, and while she was at home we did VERY often...

There are great books, but I really wanted it to be a personal thing for him, and know he could ask me anything...I did explain cancer, sickness, and not all doctors having cures for everything. There is no pill for it to go away.

My children did NOT come to the service. My MIL was cremated, and is in a Mosque type thing, and I have told both my children that if they want to go visit, I will bring them, and so far no...

My son is now 11 1/2, and sadly has seem more of this devastating disease, and really deals better than I with it..

I will say many many prayers for you and your family. May you have the strength you need...

 

[dee47]

One thing I remember from my work as a hospice volunteer is what NOT to tell your child. Saying her uncle "just went to sleep" is a big one. She'll be scared of sleeping afterwards. Another big one, believe it or not, is saying God wanted her uncle with Him in Heaven (in case you are religious). Because that actually makes the child afraid God will want her too, and she'll have to be away from mom and dad...

Simple honesty is usually best. Also understand that children's reactions are not what you'd expect. She'd cry one minute saying she misses her uncle and in the next breath she might ask to go get ice cream, or play with her best friend. Especially in young children, this is normal, though upsetting when you're trying to deal with your own grief.

There was a great book (it's probably out of print now, and it was for slightly older kids) called Sad but OK: My Daddy Died Today. It was beautifully done, and actually dealt with a death from brain cancer. I believe it was published in 1989, you may be able to find it in a used bookstore. Amazon has it used (http://www.amazon.com/Sad-but-O-K-Daddy-Childs/dp/0931892198). I'd highly recommend it. Even if the content as a whole is for somewhat older kids, there are parts you can definitely share with your daughter, and it gives you a good idea of a child's view of the events.

Hope this helps!

 

[Mickeyteacher]

I'm so sorry for your families pain right now.
I wanted to share with you what we have told DS (7) and DD (4). In the past two years we have lost 3 great grandparents. We did take the kids to the last funeral because it was out of town and we had no one else to watch them.
We explained to them that they had passed away and had gone to heaven. We told them it was ok to be sad and that we where all sad. We mad sure to explain that they where not just seimple sleeping. Then that night we went outside and looked in the sky. I had them find the brightest star. When they did I told them it was bright because Grandpa was watching out for them. Now when it is dark out the remind me that it is ok to be sad and that all of our love ones are in the sky on a bright star looking down on us.
I will keep you and yoru family in my prayers.
S

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I am so sorry to read this......and hopefully others can help as I do not know any books off the top of my head.

I do know when the time comes you will find the right words... and I agree with the person who gave you what not to say. Sometimes just the truth, but the right way to see it is so important..

I am going to try and see what I can dig up on the Cancer sites I visit..

Hugs.. and prayers.