Need help with kids and moving issues.

[binny]

DD7 is having a really hard time with the move.

I'm having a hard time trying to help her. Ive done everything I can think of to do.

We have gone to the new house several times, explored every inch of the house, gone to choose colours and wallpaper borders for her new room, asked her what the best thing about the new house will be...

Ive assured her over and over again that she will be in the same school ( we will have to transport them but it will be worth it) and same church and we can visit her friends in this neighbourhood a lot ( we are only about 4 miles away).

the problem is her best friend just moved to Brazil last week. I think she (my dd) is having a hard time distinguishing between the concept of moving so far away and her moving but NOT far away. It also doesn't help that this child was apprehensive about her move.
Also this is the only house dd really remembers. She sort of remembers the house we rented before this one but it doesnt affect her.


She is regressing though.Acting out in school, not mean but just sad and obstinate. She even started carrying a security blanket.

I feel terrible for her. My heart just breaks to see her so upset. I am really trying to keep her focused on the positives here but it doesnt seem to make a lot of difference.



How can I make this easier on her?

The other 2 are fine BTW.

 

[salmoneous]

Just based on what you have written here, I wonder if this isn't one of those situations where you just have to let the kid be upset. Is is possible that all your efforts to reassure the kid are just reinforcing that "this is a BIG DEAL?"

 

[TEENEE]

I was wondering too, if all the reassuring isn't making it worse. We moved when my son was 2. I asked our ped for advice. He suggested making sure one of the first things unpacked were things that would be comforting and familiar to my son. In your case I might take it a step further. I think I would pack you dd's things last and unpack them first. Good luck, once you get moved in I'm sure she will settle down. The fear of the unknown can be really scary.

 

[golfgal]

I agree that you might be making this into a "big deal" for her. Back off some, let her have her blanket at home and give it some time. Maybe you could have something fun waiting in her new room when you move in, a toy or game she wants-with the double bonus of keeping her occupied for a while while you unload. I wonder if she is reacting more from her friend's move then your move. Give it a week or two not being around that friend and I bet some of the issues go away on their own.

 

[SC Minnie]

I wonder if she is reacting more from her friend's move then your move.

That's what I was thinking.

I would let it go for a little while unless she brings is up. Sounds like you are just moving 'down the street' and nothing is really going to change (school, church) except where she sleeps at night.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She is afraid and that is normal. I would allow her to experience her emotions now. Perhaps after you move the other 2 might then feel sadness, you know? Even you perhaps? You are busy right now.

I would stop all the verbal reassuring at this point since you have covered all bases it sounds like.
When she starts expressing worry just give her lots of hugs and say everything will be fine. Keep it short and sweet. She will come around on her own time.

 

[binny]

thanks

My major concern is that its affecting her school work. I let it go as much as I could but when her teacher called I had to address it.

The blanket is new. She has never done that but I didnt say anything about that to her. I fgure if it gives her comfort at this point then Im all for it. She didnt bring it to school or anything she left it at the breakfast table.


I think youre right that she is mourning her friend moving. I think that is what has made this so hard for her. She was fine before her friend announced she was leaving. Thats whay I said I think she is having a hard time seperating the 2 moves.


Kate is a very emotional child. She feels EVERYTHING. I try not to feed that too much but she has been really sad lately and I hate it

 

[Colleen456]

Robin I'm sorry to hear that she's having a hard time with it. Ryan is a map kid, do you think showing her locations on the map might put her mind at ease a little bit?

We haven't moved yet but Ryan is already whining about leaving his friends. Its going to be hard on him when we move next year. I'll be listening too all the advice you get here because I know I'll be needing it soon.

 

[Micca]

If you really loved her you'd all move to Brazil. Just kidding I'd don't really have any advice and I think you've done some smart things like getting her involved in room decor. Maybe plan a little pizza party at the new house with friends from school and church? Good luck with the move.

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

Binny, I feel your pain.

I moved from LA to AZ with an emotional 6yo. To make matters worse, her best friend live across the golf course from us, so every weekend, all weekend (and sometimes during the week), the girls were running back and forth to each other's houses.

My DD was really excited about the move, but after about a week in our new home, she asked when we were going "back home." We told her this was our new home since all of her stuff was now here. That's when it finally sunk in that the move was real. Lots of tears when she truly realized we were not going back to LA.

She ended up making a couple of new friends (not like her best friend, but close), and 18 months later has truly settled in. She still has moments where she really misses her friends from LA, so we let her call occassionally. We are going back to LA to visit in Feb 2007. Her friend's mom

The biggest key to our success with moving kids is setting their rooms up first. Once they have their space again, they tend to do better.

 

[binny]

If you really loved her you'd all move to Brazil.

LOL no kidding!



Great ideas everyone thanks

I love the pizza party at the new place. Her friends live right behind the new house so I was really caught off guard that she would be so upset.

I always looked at moves as an adventure. She's not that adventurous


Col, Ryan will come around He's a tough kid!


Ouch thats quite the move LA to AZ Is she doing better now?



I remember moving from Canada to the US and I hated that move. Border crossing was terrible for me, I didnt want to leave "my country" I was 6... hmmm I should call my mom and apologize




The other moves were fine though. This house will be my 44th in 34 years. Ive become really good at moving....

 

[DVC Sadie]

No advice from me but wanted to wish you luck with your move. Hope your DD starts to feel better about the move soon.

 

[ZachnElli]

Oh, poor Kay! You'd think I'd have some great advice, having done this twice in 2 years, but I don't! Elli moves well, Zach doesn't but we just moved back home with cousins down the street and at the same school! Hopefully, once you get settled and she sees her friends that live in the area, she'll realize it ain't so bad!

 

[Pooh's Pixie]

We moved 2 years ago and we had a similar situation. It was the same town, only about 4 miles away. My DS6's best friend moved to Ireland at the same time. He wasn't as upset as yours sounds, but it was an adjustment too. Just be sure to let her do what she can in her own room (decor) and unpack her stuff first. My kids adjusted pretty quickly. I think with kids that age it is the anticipation of the unknown that is difficult.

Good luck!

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

Ouch thats quite the move LA to AZ Is she doing better now?

Much better! She has friends here and is involved in dancing (she started dancing in LA, and we found an AWESOME studio here!). Every once in a while, she says she misses her friends from LA, but that's normal. She keeps in contact via e-mail and phone!

 

[tjmw2727]

We moved from MA to DE in August, my oldest was more upset prior to the move and my youngest was upset after. Things are settling down now but they still have some days of homesickness.

OP - I think the pp's who suggested backing off a bit have a good point. Letting her have gentle reassurance without to much more explaning. Sounds like your doing a wonderful job of honering her feelings.

Now, fwiw, I personally would handle the school situation differently. I would separate that from the expressing of her feelings. If it were my dd I would tell her that I understand she is, scared, upset, fill in the blank but that it still is not ok to misbehave or act out at school. I don't believe in making excuses for bad behavior (not that you are) but letting her off the hook at school because she is upset about the move may set a precident you don't want. Just something to think about - another perspective not a judgement by any means

If backing off isn't working try just asking her, other than not move"), what she thinks may make her feel better. Try and think of more things that help her feel she has some power over the situation.

Its difficult to move, cross town or cross country, good luck!

TJ

 

[binny]

oh believe me, she knows that she cant act up at school. Her teacher is right on top of things there as we are at home

She sent her to the counselors office and then called me. As soon as shegot home we had a long talk about appropriate behaviour.

 

[tjmw2727]

oh believe me, she knows that she cant act up at school. Her teacher is right on top of things there as we are at home

She sent her to the counselors office and then called me. As soon as shegot home we had a long talk about appropriate behaviour.

Thanks- its hard to put every detail in the post!

I was also thinking she may be looking for boundries, looks like you got your bases covered. Hope she and you feel better.

TJ