Need help on how to approach friend.

[Wishing on a star]

The truth is, I know he's going to be upset because he's struggled so hard to find friends at work, but I guess I have to make him see how this is not the friend to have.

Again, the thinking with his head about a new, flirty, woman... while not seeming to involve other body parts.
The 'he is shy'.
Now this... struggling with friendship....

OP, I am going to go ahead and just put this out here.
My suspicions are even stronger, after having read your last post, that your friend is not what one would call neurotypical, and struggles with social deficits.

How do you suspect that he will react when you try to tell him the obvious (this woman is a skank) when he is simply unable to see that himself.

That's a tough one.

Either he will place great stock in your judgement.
Or he will be very adverse to any suggestion that his judgement might be impaired.

Good Luck....

And, in the end... as I said earlier, if he goes further with this, it becomes an issue of your own moral decision, whether to maintain the friendship.

At some point, if he doesn't decide to turn away from this girl immediately, I would have to tell him that not only does he risk losing his wife and kids... But, that you would walk away as well.

 

[diznygirl]

Tell your friend he is being a complete butt. Of course they have so much in common and she is just so much fun! Yeah- neither one has seen the other stink up the bathroom, have a miserable cold or virus, not get a chance to shower because they were up all night with the kids etc. Neither one has to currently deal with fighting with an ex over visitation- (because that will happen if he gets divorced!) dealing with in laws, child support, alimony, step kid issues etc. Shall I go on? Of course she is a gem because she has no responsibility when it comes to your friend's life. He however will always have all that and more. She might not find it so cute and to be honest he might not find the day to day very with new girl all that cute either. What if she doesn't get along with his daughters? I would tell my friend that he is a moron for even considering throwing everything away for a piece of tail.

Exactly. She might not be interested in him anymore once she learns he farts in his sleep and snores. And he might find out that she's a controlling jealous witch because she knows how she caught him.

The boy needs to find Jesus.

If the wife finds out, Jesus might find him.

Yeah, I'm seeing that the "tough" route is going to be the one I have to take. It's not going to be any fun since you never want to be that way with a good friend. The truth is, I know he's going to be upset because he's struggled so hard to find friends at work, but I guess I have to make him see how this is not the friend to have.

Guess I'll have to update this one after tomorrow night.

You are guys - you are supposed to be tough. Did you think you were supposed to hold his hand and talk about his feelings? That's women's work. Guys punch each other on the shoulder and say, "Dude, don't be stupid! You'll screw up your life!" And then drink their beer.


Good luck with your "talk."

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Hey sometimes comedy writes itself. Food in teeth, toothpaste on shirt...classics.

You are such a guy!

...

Hopefully he doesn't dribble any BBQ sauce on his chin during your convo or you may not get in what you have to say.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You are guys - you are supposed to be tough. Did you think you were supposed to hold his hand and talk about his feelings? That's women's work. Guys punch each other on the shoulder and say, "Dude, don't be stupid! You'll screw up your life!" And then drink their beer.

Yes, somebody else who is seeing signs that this might not be a male and a male friend situation.

 

[PollyannaMom]

....OK. Here's my opinion, since you asked: I would remind him that he chose his wife. He made legal, moral & spiritual promises to his wife. And he probably didn't include "UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG" in those promises....

I completely agree!! And as for having "so much in common" with this woman - remind him of the three small human beings he has in common with his wife!

If this were my friend I would say this.

"You are getting a lot of attention from this woman. She's new, somewhat attractive, she pays attention to you and she is flirting with you so its a bit exciting and feels nice to get this attention.

It's easy for her. She is not invested. She doesn't have three kids, dirty laundry, discussions about poop and mortgage payments, spit-up in her hair, etc. Of course, it's going to be interesting and fun.

Sounds like you need to reconnect with your wife and feel those fun, sexy, happy moments again. How about I baby sit for you so you can have some alone time with YOUR WIFE?

Oh and if you choose to hurt your family and tear apart your home for a piece of tail, don't come crying to me when the "spark is over" or she has dumped you for the next guy."

But that's just me.

I think this would be a good way to talk to him, and I'd also add:

"If she'll cheat with you today, she'll cheat on you tomorrow."

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Yes, somebody else who is seeing signs that this might not be a male and a male friend situation.

Call me thick, but I'm not following.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Call me thick, but I'm not following.

I believe they may be hinting one of you may be female...

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I believe they may be hinting one of you may be female...

Oh, I guess I am pretty thick. Well I'm definitely male (as my last trip to the bathroom has once again verified), and I'd like to think in the 20+ years of our friendship, if my best friend wasn't male he would have told me.

I'm always interested in the psychological things that pop up on these boards, so anyone who wants to shed some light on the gender questions, it would be great.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Oh, I guess I am pretty thick. Well I'm definitely male (as my last trip to the bathroom has once again verified), and I'd like to think in the 20+ years of our friendship, if my best friend wasn't male he would have told me.

I'm always interested in the psychological things that pop up on these boards, so anyone who wants to shed some light on the gender questions, it would be great.

Me tinks that's a WHOLE.DIFFERENT.THREAD...

 

[PrincessKsMom]

My BF since forever has confided in me a little tidbit about his marriage. He and his wife got married about 10 years ago. They were high school sweethearts and are perfect for each other.

Fast forward to last week when he told me that he wanted to talk to me about a situation that had arisen.

Basically a new girl has started at his work and they both have a ton in common. She's fairly attractive, and the common bonds they share only seem to enhance that image, in his mind. This girl is obviously interested (even though she knows he's married) because she constantly changes her facebook status talking about things like, "Why are all the good ones taken," etc.

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

I'm at a loss for what to say to him. We're going out for a guy's night tomorrow, so I know this is going to be the discussion. On one hand I don't want anything to happen with him and his wife (since she's been a good friend of mine since High School as well), but on the other hand his point about fairness seems pretty valid. Is he never supposed to meet new people, and how, 10 years ago, when he got married, was he ever supposed to know that someone else may enter his life?

They have 3 lovely daughters and it just seems like a completely unfair situation. However, I'm a very strong "never cheat, never stray" type of guy, so I don't want to go light on him about this, and make sure I get some sort of point across.

Help me out DISers!

Would it be okay for his wife to drop out of the marriage if a fine young thing showed up at her work, gym, church, etc? Would hubby understand completely why he was being replaced with a younger model with less miles on him?

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Amen.

Ask him if he REALLY wants to consider throwing away his marriage for a tart who is happy to flirt with a MARRIED man?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Oh and FTR, I really hope this isn't one of those "have a friend with a problem" things when it's actually the OP with the problem.

And here's some more advice. Tell your friend to go for it. Just tell him not to whine and regret when his wife throws his sorry butt to the curb and takes him for all his money and his daughters want nothing to do with him. Sorry doesn't always cut it.

 

[clutter]

You are guys - you are supposed to be tough. Did you think you were supposed to hold his hand and talk about his feelings? That's women's work. Guys punch each other on the shoulder and say, "Dude, don't be stupid! You'll screw up your life!" And then drink their beer.


Good luck with your "talk."

Ok, remind this guy that he needs to think about how much he has in common with this girl. We know which direction her moral compass points. What about his?

Something isn't quite right here. He has trouble finding friends at work, and now this girl shows up and she's got the hots for him? It just sounds like he isn't good at reading people. Either she's innocent and he cannot read her well, or he's reading it correctly and she's a predator. Probably serial, if you could find out about past relationships...

Btw, he will NEVER have friends at work once this gets out.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Oh and FTR, I really hope this isn't one of those "have a friend with a problem" things when it's actually the OP with the problem.

And here's some more advice. Tell your friend to go for it. Just tell him not to whine and regret when his wife throws his sorry butt to the curb and takes him for all his money and his daughters want nothing to do with him. Sorry doesn't always cut it.

Don't know if I should be insulted by this, or not. But, no, this isn't anything like that. I'm around on these boards far too often for that. If that were the case I would've created a different account rather than make myself a pariah around here.

DW & I are very happy with each other and our kids. Just booked our next WDW trip, plus a "Just the 2 of us" trip to Williamsburg, VA in the early Summer! So we're doing well, thank you.

 

[Disney Doll]

What would I tell your friend if he asked me this question?

I'd tell him he's an idiot.

I'd remind him that he is considering throwing away his marriage for someone who has no respect for marriage if she'll come on to a married man.

I'd remind him that he's going to be a lot less attractive as a divorced father of 3 paying scads of $$ in child support and having to figure out the kids visitation schedules every week with a really pissed off ex-wife.

I'd tell him that, chances are, the young chippie will be doing the same thing a few years down the line with a different guy and he will then be kicked to the curb, so he can be that greatest of cliches...the divorced middle aged man who left his wife for a younger woman. Maybe he should invest in a couple of low button down shirts and gold chains too, so he can take the cliche and run with it.

As a matter-of-fact, while you're having this "heart to heart" conversation, perhaps you should coach him on some of the best pick up lines:

~"Hey baby, what's your sign?"
~"Should I call you for breakfast...or just nudge you?"
~"Where have you been all my life?"...tell him to be careful with this one though because when some slimy 40-something year old guy asked my 20-something year old self this question about 20 or so years ago, my response was "Well, for 1/2 of it I wasn't born".
~"My wife doesn't understand me". My response to that one once was "Maybe that's because she's too busy washing your dirty clothes and taking care of your home and children".

There's truly is no fool like a middle aged man who's thinking he missed something in life.

OP, you're going to probably need to decide who you are going to stay friends with in this situation because I can almost guarantee that your buddy is going to screw up big time and you're going to be standing there watching his life implode.

 

[Wishing on a star]

We took our son to Williamsburg and DC this last May.
GREAT TRIP!!!
Just hope you don't have an early unseasonable heat wave like we did this year... triple digit heat index the entire time!!!

Okay, sorry if you don't really get the references to the gender differences and social differences that are being mentioned here. (while I would think that most people would)
As mentioned, that is just too deep, and would be a whole different thread.

If this is the case, that you don't understand. I really don't think that you might be the best equipped to 'help' your friend.

He/She will do what they decide to do.
Your only concern is how you want to handle it.

If you can't figure out a way to tell them that you think they are very, very, wrong.... and would walk if they choose to make decisions that you can't really accept... then...

Surely you know what you need to do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG!!!

Disney Doll....

That last post is just TOO gooooood!!!!!!

We need an applause smiley icon!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, if you truly have a good and committed relationship with your wife, you should tell your friend why YOU would never even have this problem.

And, be WARNED....
If you accept and enable your close friend to do this to his wife....
You will most certainly have to reap the consequences of your actions, from your own wife.

How are you going to explain this to her????

How could you say anything less than... "My friend is doing this and such, so I had to just walk away from the friendship."

How do you think your wife is going to take it if you accept or enable this kind of thing in a close ongoing friendship?

Like I said, you only need to be concerned about your own actions.
They will surely speak louder than words.

 

[tink20]

1. How would your friend feel if his wife was looking at some other man the way he is looking at this woman at work? Would he be hurt?

2. You made it sound like he and his wife are happy, so he needs to focus his time on his wife. Think of ways to rekindle the romance. A date night or a overnight get away.

3. Does he love his daughters? Would he want his daughters' husbands to act this way toward them (when they get older)? My sister's husband left her for another woman, and it has been extremely difficult on the kids. My neice told my that Ms. X (the other woman) stole her daddy away. (my sister cried when I told her what my neice told me)

4. If this woman goes after a married man, then she is nothing but TRASH!

5. Is your friend ready to lose everything. My ex-brother- in -law is miserable, well guess what, TOO LATE. And child support for 3 kids, not cheep.

People who cheat, and tear apart families, are selfish, and don't care about who gets hurt.

 

[Buckalew11]

You're kidding, right? You don't know what to say to him? He is married. He has three little girls who need an intact family. He has a wife whom he loves and who loves him.
Life" didn't "throw" another "one" at him. This pretty young thing is throwing herself at him. Pretty much like the rule for vampires; She can't "enter" his life unless he invites her in. He needs to cowboy up and ride away from this woman. He needs to stop checking her "Facebook". He needs to end this "emotional affair" now before it becomes a real affair and destroys his family. The grass is always greener on the otherside.

This is exactly how I feel. Geez, if I doubted my marriage every time a man approached me we'd be in big trouble.

I have a friend going through a divorce right now because her husband cheated and thought the OW was `the one`after all.

They have a 15yo DD. The DD knows why they are divorcing and refuses to take the dads calls or answer his texts. He always calls her cell phone. The DD doesn`t want anything to do with him anymore. She doesn`t respect him. Is this what your friend wants

Exactly. My BIL of 34 years is leaving my sister. 34 yrs!! 4 kids!! All four of those kids have lost respect for their father. 21, 18, 16 and 14. They know a lot of what is going on and their relationship is rotting because of it.
Is that what yourfriend wants for himself and his kids? And all the heartache and confusion divorce causes kids?
I hate what my BIL's selfishness is doing to his kids.



All that said, I can understand why you feel like you can't just set him straight and tell him the way we all say you should tell him.
If you do, you'll cause him to be defensive and sort of "run him off." Probably not what you are looking to do.
I can relate. I want to shake my BIL and tell him exactly what I think. But I can't, not really, I tell him enough, trust me, but I do want to alienate the guy. He's been part of my life for 36 yrs.--I've loved him more than I loved my sister, been close, like he was a big brother. I was 9 yo when I met him. It isn't something I want to risk throwing away. Yes, sometimes I'd like to wash my hands of him...but I also do not want to give up on him either.

Good luck.