Need help on a very off topic *update post #37*

[iloveflorida]

I'm not new to these boards but I need some advice on a personal issue and I have family that frequent these boards and since I haven't told anyone about this I would like to remain anonymous. I have been around here for about two years and have made several great friends here so I'm hoping to get some friendly advice.

I'm not sure where to begin so here goes. Since I was in the 9th grade I have been having symptoms of panic attacks, anxiety, social anxiety and nervousness. The very first thing that I remember that happened was in my freshman science class, I was asked to read aloud and I had a horrible panic attack come on, I got really scared just reading and one person even asked me if I was crying since my voice was so shaky. Well from that point it went all down hill, I would skip any classes that required me to read or speak aloud, I was just terrified. I even asked a teacher in the 10th grade to not ask me to read aloud, that was so embarressing but it was better than making a fool of myself in front of the class. I always had lots of friends and I'm sure none of them had a clue. I didn't graduate high school and I blame it on this.

I tried to take some college classes thinking that I had grown out of this, but same thing there I ended up dropping the classes because I just couldn't handle any focus being on me whatsoever and speaking aloud was just a joke, I couldn't handle it, something that simple made me so terrified.

Fast forward to my early twenties (i'm 34 now), one of my first jobs we had meetings every Friday morning and we had to read aloud and then I started having these attacks again, it even got to the point where I even asked my boss to not ask me to read aloud, he and I were good friends so he just laughed at me and said I had a phobia to get over it but he never made me.

I also have been having these attacks where my heart will start racing so fast and a horrible fear comes over me that me or my son will die, it scares
me to death, it's a terrible feeling.

I do have a decent job and am in a management type position and I constantly have to be in meetings and I always manage to handle them pretty well but inside they just kick my butt, if the focus has to ever be on me I panic, i don't think it shows but it seems to be getting worse. Any time that I am in a situation with authority figures I feel so overly intimidated. My friends and family probably wouldn't even believe any of this because I hide this so well, I have always been told that I'm just "too happy, too perky" but if they only knew what was going on inside of me.

I worry that it's getting worse, I think it is starting to show in how I speak, and act around peope especially at work, even on the phone at work. I sound so nervous I think. Even at the gym yesterday I felt like all eyes were on me, like I looked so stupid in there, so self concious, almost like I was weird or something. Then if someone says something to me I get my feelings hurt so easily and it just makes me feel worthless, like I have no friends, I don't fit in or no one likes me. I know that sounds crazy but it's a very real feeling.

To add to all of this I feel depressed lately and can't budge it, I have a great life, great husband and son but for some reason I can't seem to feel right and confident. Sometimes I just want to stay home all alone, and I just would feel better not having to see or talk to anyone. I am a happy person generally and love enjoying life but these things are almost starting to control it.

I have thought of seeing my doctor but it is so embarressing feeling like this, my dh doesn't even know. Thank you for reading this long post.

 

[joshsmom]

Hi I'm sorry you are having such an awful time. It must be very frustrating for you. I am in school right now for my master's in social work. Last semester I had a class called Applied Behavioral Therapy. In the class we learned that Public Speaking is the #1 phobia in the United States--so you're not alone. We also learned a lot about the symptoms you describe: panic attacks, nervousness, anxiety. There is a treatment for what you describe without medication. It's called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and most people have success in about 10 sessions. I don't know if this is something you would be willing to try, but we saw video tapes in class of actual sessions with patients and how it changed their lives.

I'm not an expert by any means. But you sound very sincere and this might help you. I hope that however you handle it, you are successful. I wish you all the best.

 

[floridaminnie]

go talk to your doctor. I've had panic attacks for years and never knew it. My doctors never made the connection and I never pushed the issue along with not but completly honest with my doctor. Changed my life when I finally did.

 

[SplshMtn99]

I lived with anxiety attacks for over 20 yrs. Got VERY creative at being able to hide it from those I had to (employers)...and those I chose to (friends & family). It finally got so bad, I had to admit it. I hit rock bottom. Life was much worse than I could possibly describe in words here.

Fate be it that I also had to pick a new doctor because my primary dr retired. My new dr put me on Lexapro. I was always against meds. The perfectionist in me wanted to know why this was happening in me...and how could I cure it. I didn't want to admit that it might be a chemical imbalance.

Within 1 month, you wouldn't believe the difference i felt. Within 3 mths, family & friends were wondering what was so different in me. I finally came clean & told everyone my 20 yr secret. Found out alot of other people deal with this too.

Its been 2.5 yrs. I'm still on Lexapro. I don't want to get off it. I'm a completely different person. It is GREAT. Life is GREAT. I've completely forgotten all the STUPID things i was afraid of. I do everything now & go everywhere.

I thank my dr everytime I see her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Sonya]

I can totally relate. Things got so bad I couldn't care for DS I was so afraid I would do something wrong. I got help from a good Dr who gave me a Rx and another person who I could talk to. I have no problem taking meds for this, I wish I didn't have to but I'm not sorry I do. You take asprin when you have a headache, right? So you might have a chemical imbalance. I would rather live with the meds than live with the panic. That time of my life was sheer hell, one that I hope to never enter into again. Get help! You will not look foolish or weak! And you will feel so much better!

 

[Aidensmom]

Xanax.

It is WONDERFUL at controlling panic attack symptoms. I used to have a lot of anxiety disorder problems, and actually learned to work through them by taking Xanax to do things like speak in front of people. I no longer take the medication, and I very rarely have panic attacks anymore.

 

[iloveflorida]

Thanks you guys for the responses, glad to know that I'm not alone with this. Joshsmom I'm definitely going to look into this therapy you talked about. But I think I'm gonna call my doctor and make an appt. tommorrow. I need to get control of this, I am ready to help myself overcome this.

Thanks so much.

 

[C.Ann]

See your doctor - there's NOTHING to be embarrassed about.. I'm being treated for anxiety right now (short term) and the doctor was absolutely wonderful about it.. The longer you wait, the worse it will get..

Best of luck!

 

[iloveflorida]

Xanax.

It is WONDERFUL at controlling panic attack symptoms. I used to have a lot of anxiety disorder problems, and actually learned to work through them by taking Xanax to do things like speak in front of people. I no longer take the medication, and I very rarely have panic attacks anymore.

The one friend that I have told bits and pieces to(not nearly everything) told me the exact thing about Xanax.

 

[minkydog]

It sounds like the anxiety is taking control of your life. Time to talk to a doctor about it. She won't be surprised, lots of people have panic attacks.

I had my first panic attacks in college. Fortunately i managed to hide them and was able to carry on, but as the years went by the anxiety would creep out in other ways. I have been on meds for depression on & off, but it wasn't until my current doctor suggested that perhaps I wasn't so much depressed as anxious that we tried a new drug, Lexapro. I have to say, it has really made things better. Most people would never guess I have an anxiety disorder. The Lexapro helps me feel normal and I don't worry about everything all the time. I have triedd therapy before, but nothing really helped until this med.

I don't know whether a medication would be right for you, but I do know that your doctor probably has some ideas about how to help you feel better. anxiety is not a shameful or weak thing, it's a true disorder just like heart disease or high blood pressure. Go get checked.

 

[ElizaB39]

I personally don't take meds now but I did after my second child was born. I don't take anything now. It did help but it was realted to the birth of my child and wasn't long term. However, my sis and SIL both take anxiety/depression meds and tell anyone who will listen how great they are. As my SIL says, "I'll recommend my meds to anyone, they're that great."

You can do it.

Peace.

 

[Equidae]

See your doctor - there's NOTHING to be embarrassed about.. I'm being treated for anxiety right now (short term) and the doctor was absolutely wonderful about it.. The longer you wait, the worse it will get..

Best of luck!

Yup, panic attacks and panic/ anxiety disorder are nothing to be ashamed of. It's very common and you probably know many people with it (you just don't know). My mom suffers from it, my older brother and myself -- my little sister is starting to have symptoms too (it can be genetic). I had my first real panic attack when I was 23 driving home from work. I hyperventilated and had to pull over. A trip to the ER later I was ok, but made an appt. with my regular doc to get things sorted out. I see a psychologist now (every week at first now about once every six weeks so I stay on track) and am treating it without medication, but I have taken Xanax when it was really bad. Xanax is amazing. My mom and brother both are on it too. See your doctor and if you can a psychologist. Talking about what is bothering you is a wonderful thing. You aren't alone by a long shot. Good luck!!

 

[ElizaB39]

I personally don't take meds now but I did after my second child was born. I don't take anything now. It did help but it was realted to the birth of my child and wasn't long term. However, my sis and SIL both take anxiety/depression meds and tell anyone who will listen how great they are. As my SIL says, "I'll recommend my meds to anyone, they're that great."

You can do it.

Peace.

Hey I just realized, my dad is on a light dose of something for anxiety. My uncle (his brother) takes someting and so does my cousin. I get nervous at times, and if it is genetic as one poster says, I guess it is coming down the pike for me too.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Check out anxieties.com for other helpful tips.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Aren't you glad you posted??? You are not alone, and knowing that can help so much! I had my first panic attack when I was five years old. I can still remember it to this day. When I was in college I went into therapy to help me with that and some other matters. I never had to take medication, but I learned coping mechanisms that I still use. Good luck. I am so happy you are ready to make a change.

 

[chell]

Sorry you are feeling this way. If I am repeating something said earlier I am sorry but my head is hurting and I didn't feel like reading everything.

Do not feel embarrassed to talk to your doctor. That is part of the reason your doctor is there. Some meds might help you somewhat but I think you also need to feel comfortable with yourself. In 9th grade I took an F on an assignment because I couldn't read my papers in front of the class. To this day (I'm 32 now) I still have trouble speaking in front of many people. At work we have prayer time and have to read off prayer requests that come in to us. I've worked there for 3 years now doing this daily and I still shake on the inside and get nervous as can be. Late last year I did start doing better because I started having more confidence in myself.

A really sad part for me is that I've given up on ever completing college because of this. I simply don't think I can handle those classes and even interacting with so many people all the time.

Good luck and hugs to you!

 

[goofyshell]

to you. I know you are very scared. Please do talk to your doctor. And if he/she does suggest meds, don't think of yourself as a failure. You are getting help.
I know what you mean about feeling guilty for being depressed. Sometimes we just have to accept things without understanding why (I still don't know why I get depressed or anxious, but I do and I love my meds and my therapist!). Hang in there!

 

[iloveflorida]

Thank you guys for all of the replies. It is absolutely wonderful to read that other people have gone through this too. I called my dr.'s this morning and I have an appt. this afternoon. I am dreading telling her but I'm tired of feeling like this.

You know it's almost like a huge weight follows you around and doesn't allow you to be who you really are, because inside I feel confident and want to be successful in my life but my body and nerves just won't let me.

I'll update later after my appt.

 

[Christine]

Just want to let you know that I have been suffering with this for years. I have terrible anxiety and it is also ruining my life. My problems don't revolve around public speaking, but going out in crowds, restaurants, or not being in control (i.e., I can go out to eat if I am there in my car with people I'm comfortable with but I can't handle it in a strange group and I feel like I cannot get out of it).

I have been to therapy and to many doctors. My problem is that the SSRI medications (Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, etc) make me feel absolutely wretched and I cannot tolerate the side effects AND hold down a job. The Xanax works well for me, but it can be sedating at times so I don't use that as much as I probably should. It is basically a living hell.

Anyway, this probably doesn't make you feel better (as I am still uncured to date) but I hope you don't feel like you are alone with this.

 

[Hillbeans]

Although I never experienced panic attacks, I've had have a stutter which started in grade school and hated reading aloud for some of the same reasons you mentioned (getting made fun of, laughed at, etc). I can sympathize with you because asking to read or speak out loud is a very large part of life. I occasionally have a block and can't say a word, and it happened once in a large meeting with about 50 attendees, but what can you do? We're all human and sometimes make mistakes.

I hope you do speak with a doctor or therapist because it sounds like this condition has taken over your life. You can be treated and overcome this!

Good luck.