Need help ASAP!

[cats7494]

My dear friend's daughter is 15 and tonight the daughter totally lost it and cursed out the parents and hit the mom.
I was there to see the scene and it was quite awful. The daughter was in a foul mood and talking back to mom and dad and the mom grounded the daughter - and the girl lost it. The daughter had behavior issues when she was really young and has not acted out like this since she was 7 or 8 - so this was a surprise to my friend.
What should my friend do??? What is even a possible consequence that even matches that behavior?

 

[darlak]

My dear friend's daughter is 15 and tonight the daughter totally lost it and cursed out the parents and hit the mom.
I was there to see the scene and it was quite awful. The daughter was in a foul mood and talking back to mom and dad and the mom grounded the daughter - and the girl lost it. The daughter had behavior issues when she was really young and has not acted out like this since she was 7 or 8 - so this was a surprise to my friend.
What should my friend do??? What is even a possible consequence that even matches that behavior?

If the situation has escalated to the point of physical violence, they need to seek outside intervention, and soon. Beyond the physical violence tonight, did the girl make any suicidal or homicidal threats? If so, then they need to seek immediate intervention.

I can only speak for my state, but if she has threatened to kill herself or anyone else, a hospital will be required to admit her here. If getting her there is a problem, call the police.

 

[scottishduffy]

I had the nerve to curse at my mom ONCE when i was 14. The woman slapped me so hard I think I woke up sometime next week.... JK

Seriously she did slap me and it was the ONLY time she ever had (I deserved it). I was grounded for a long time with no TV, Computer, Radio, VCR, & basically nothing that involved electricity. I think for at least 3 weeks, They did send me for one visit with a therapist who said I was a typical rebellious teen. Basically my dad ran interference between us (since i was always closer to him). I spent all my grounded time in my room with nuthin. Dad got mom and I to have a heart to heart (after the a week or two) where we reached a compromise on our bigger issues with each other. We spent my teen years with Mom doing all my discipline and Dad being my comfort zone to talk to. I was closer to dad and keeping him out of my discipline gave me one 'safe' person to talk and he really helped my relationship with mom since he had a way of talking to each of us in order to get us to understand each other. We talked through him without yelling at each other.

Then Mom got a journal we exchanged notes in. So we could write about our grievances (respectfully) and I wouldn't get in trouble for my attitude. It helped me really think out my arguments and be respectful in discussions. The letters helped us reasonably discuss bigger disagreements.

The bigger issue is whether this is a first time outburst, in which a sizable punishment and some heart to hearts in a week or two may help. Or whether this is a pattern of hers, in which case outside help may be better. Either way the girl needs to have a BIG impression made upon with a big punishment. I NEVER had the nerve to curse at my mom again after that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well...what is going on in their relationship? Why was this girl in a foul mood?

Anger, drugs, parents are overbearing, mental issues, etc? Can you pinpoint what the serious problem is here?

Family counseling should top the list of things to do. Certainly something is very wrong and needs to be addressed.
If the dd had problems in the past perhaps it is rearing its head again.

As far as punishment, well the first thing I would do is drag her in for a drug test and then sift through her room with a fine tooth comb.

Preferably go thru her room when she is not there.

If I found things then I would go from there.

 

[cats7494]

Well...what is going on in their relationship? Why was this girl in a foul mood?

Anger, drugs, parents are overbearing, mental issues, etc? Can you pinpoint what the serious problem is here?

Family counseling should top the list of things to do. Certainly something is very wrong and needs to be addressed.
If the dd had problems in the past perhaps it is rearing its head again.

As far as punishment, well the first thing I would do is drag her in for a drug test and then sift through her room with a fine tooth comb.

Preferably go thru her room when she is not there.

If I found things then I would go from there.

I do know they have had some pretty stressful events in their family lately (2family deaths, one sibling hospitilization - which turned out ok.)
I have been friends with the mom for 30 years and I think she is a great mom - however I do not live with them and do not know all that goes on, of course. The mom and daughter usually have had a close relationship. The daughter is the daughter from a previous marriage and the dad is not involved very much. The step dad is pretty involved, but I personally think he could do a little better.
So - I appreciate the suggestions. She is really upset and is trying to decide the best course of action for the family.

 

[HOGFAN]

If I had cussed out my mom when I was a teenager, I would have gotten slapped into next week.

 

[cats7494]

If I had cussed out my mom when I was a teenager, I would have gotten slapped into next week.

The mom is more concerned about the hitting, to be honest.

 

[Master Mason]

If I had been really really lucky, I would still have had a couple of teeth left in my mouth by the time my dad got through with me.

The one time my kid cussed at his mom in front of me, I slapped him in the back of the head, I didn't knock him down but it was very close. As far as I know he has never done it again, at least his mom has never said anything to me about it.

 

[Darcy03231]

I really think they need to look into family counseling, and maybe some individual counseling for the daughter.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So alot of things are going on including the dad issue.

Obviously take the hint that her dd is not handling things well. Not ignoring is KEY.

Sometimes as adults we forget that our kids fall apart too. I would certainly get to the bottom of things with counseling and a room shakedown, when she is not there.

As far as punishment can't really say what to do there.

 

[loco4dis]

One of 2 things are going on: 1) the daughter believes she can get away with such atrocious behavior, which is a parenting issue; or 2) she has serious behavioral issues and needs to see some kind of therapist. Mom has to figure out which it is.

Seriously, if I had screamed and yelled at my parents at age 15 — let alone hit one of them — my world would have come crashing down upon me so fast and so hard I wouldn't have had time to get out of the way. The same goes for my children. If they made a "choice" to do that, it would prove to be the worst decision they've ever made in their lives, with the worst consequences.

Now, given that my teenagers fully understand that those are the ground rules, if something like you described did occur in my home, I'd probably be assuming my kid had some mental health issues, and I'd be looking for a good therapist. (Finding a good therapist, now that's going to be a whole separate issue…)

 

[doxdogy]

I would be more concerned over the hitting too. Dear daughter hit her mother one time when she was sixteen. When her mother asked her if she would do that to her father or I and she told her mom no because they would kill me. The daughter just needs to learn or be told that that type of behavior is unacceptable and be given some dire consequences to go along with the behavior. If I had ever raised my hand to one of my parents, I would have been slapped so far into next week it would have taken me a month to come back.

 

[agnes!]

Hard to say exactly what I would do if I were in your friend's shoes,*but*...

If any child of mine raised their hand to me, I'd be seriously considering swearing out a warrant for assault and battery (in addition to getting the entire family into therapy/counseling and getting the kid tested for drugs, etc.)

agnes!

 

[SeeVee]

I cussed at my mom once. My dad slapped me so hard I got pulled over by the Oregon State troopers for speeding.......we lived in Key West Florida at the time.

There is something more serious going on here and a little outburst. She has to get to the root cause...which I suspect involves dope. Dope is a serious motivator.

 

[mjkacmom]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/mar/12/humanbehaviour.psychology

I've read that teenage tantrums are very similar to toddler trantrums - physical lack of control. I remember screaming at my mom, feeling so much anger. She was great, kept calm, and then gave me my punishment. I think this girl was probably as afraid of her tirade as her mom was.

I think it would be a good idea to get her some therapy, so she could learn some coping tools with dealing with her hormonal rages, until she grows out of them.

 

[Michelle67]

I found with my oldest that 14 and 15 year old girls ARE a lot like toddlers. They get out of control. After outbursts, when things were calmer, my daughter would tell me that every fiber of her being was yelling at her to STOP before she got herself killed (by me) but that she just couldn't stop herself.

I read something else that rang familiar for me here; dad/step dad issues. My daughter had those too, and it is really hard for a young girl. There are all kinds of "issues" that could be involved, but they really play into a young girl's sense of self, value, etc. Looking back my daughter can be really articulate about it, but at the time she couldn't, she just got angry at life in general, kwim?

The notebook idea someone else mentioned worked well for her and I. It enabled her to get her feelings out coherently instead of them getting lost in yelling and side tracking, and enabled me to read them---two or three times if necessary---without getting lost in wanting to whack her for yelling. I think it helped her see some things from my point of view, too. Not that it was a miracle cure, but I think we both "got" some things we might not have if we had to try to struggle through hormones and angry tears trying to discuss them verbally.

Best wishes to your friends. I really feel that this age with girls is THE most brutal parenting thing (short of losing a child) that you will ever go through. I promise it gets better.

 

[cats7494]

Thanks for all of your suggestions - I passed them along to my friend.
The daughter was immediately apologetic and did not stop crying for a long time after the "incident". She has been grounded with extra chores and had a long talk with her mom both last night and this morning.

It is strange because the daughter is a great student, wonderful athlete and a leader at her school - she was even recommended by some teachers for a state wide leadership conferences. She is not into drugs or alcohol - mom knows this somehow. I did not press on how she may know.
The daughter expressed anger at her biological father who is pretty absent. This has been an ongoing issue for her. The dad is a jerk who I can not stand.
Anyway - thank you all for your input. I know it is a tough time, I have a teenage daughter as well.

 

[kellyg403]

I can understand the stepfather/absent dad issue. My teen dd's went through something similar.

Therapy is wonderful, but sometimes at this age they are not willing to do it. If your friend can at least get her to start journaling it is a fabulous tool. My dd's told me they went back and read some of their old journals and could not believe how angry they were at the stupidest things.

Kelly

 

[Tuffcookie]

The teenage years can be so stressful! I have a 35 year old DS and now I have a teenager again (16 year old DS).

It is very important for your friend to recognize when things are escalating. She has the power to be the calm in the middle of the storm. She can ask her DD(?) for a time out for the both of them so they can calm down before discussing their differences. Then, after the time out start the discussion with a hug and tell her she loves her unconditionally but violence is unacceptable.

Hugs to you and your DF

TC

 

[IDoDis]

Well, nowadays if a parent slaps a "child" they will be investigated for child abuse. If the girl told a teacher or school counselor then the mom would be "on trial."

It's a tough situation. Mom and daughter need to rebuild their relationship and without knowing what that is like, it's hard to give advice. Sure the parents could ground the girl, but if she's bold enough to slap her mother, she's probably bold enough to ignore the grounding and may just leave the house whenever she feels like it. That sets the mom up to not be able to enforce a consequence and gives the daughter even more power.

My thoughts (without knowing details on the relationship), would be to withhold allowances, driver's ed (if that is coming up soon)... things like that. Those things are a privilege and need to be earned by showing respect and trustworthiness. The mother should also contact the school counselor and ask for the name of one of the school district's family counselors. I'd go that route first and see if they can find out what their "issues" are in a safe environment.