Need advice

[martymarty]

ok so heres the deal,

I have 2 children, daughter 12, son 9. They live with their mother (Im divorced) and only get to see my kids on weekends. I am remarried

Heres my situation,

My 12 yr old needs a serious attitude adjustment! she can be as happy as a lark one min, then if she gets in trouble or things dont go her way shes on the outs big time!!

Im tot he point I really dont want to take her to Disney because of her attitude when she gets pissy, but I cant cancel the trip and pentilize my son, he is just the opposite of his sister, very good boy well manarard.

just trying to figure out what to do, I really want her to go and have the trip of a life time, but I really dont want to deal with her attitude when she gets in trouble.

any ideas?

 

[2goofycampers]

I'd remind her there is an airport in Orlando and in Shreveport.

 

[motherwild]

Welcome to parenthood. Adolescent girls can be tough. Define clearly what is expected of her and what will not be tolerated. Don't feed the mood. If you punish her stick to it. No debate. It can be hard to follow through. As a parent my daughters teenage years were the toughest to deal with. I survived. Be fair but firm and always remind them that you love them.

 

[cruising spud]

Is your wife going along to Disney? What does she say?

 

[Macgyver91]

I'd remind her there is an airport in Orlando and in Shreveport.

Exactly what I was going to say! If you have a good relationship with ex-wife then have a meeting with her and DD. Come up with a game plan of sending her home if she acts out and then follow through. Maybe if she knows that you and mom are on the same page with this, she will walk a little straighter line.

I feel your pain though...Our DD is 13 and drives me to drinking (hard liquor) daily! We have to pick our battles around here and I refuse to argue with her. If we get loud then she gets louder! So now when she starts with all the drama, I just ask her to go to her room. When the drama is over then she can come out and we can talk about it like normal people...sometimes. I think this age group is way harder then the "tragic 3's". However there is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better. Our fights are getting fewer and farther between. Now if I could just get her to stop fighting with her brother...

Good luck and hope it all works out for you. Just remember to have fun no matter what kind of attitude she is wearing that day.

 

[skyp4WDW]

Sounds as though she's been through alot in 12 short years. Kids react to stress in a variety of ways. Try to remember that she's still a little girl who needs your love and understanding. (Listen to what she means; not just what she says).
I say take her... and your sense of humor (along with your patience)! View it as an oportunity to bridge some gaps and make some happy, new memories ...Disney is a great place to enjoy time together. Remember, they grow very quickly. Don't waste time being angry with her.

 

[cam&phoebsmom]

I think you just described a lot of 12yo girls!!

I think I would talk to her privately-just the 2 of you-about your expectations for the trip. I am not sure how long you have been divorced or remarried, but she may feel she has to act out to get attention. I think at 12 most kids can understand and appreciate when you talk to them and not at them.

I also think you can have her come up with consequences for when she gets rude/nasty so she knows what to expect and knows specifically what you don't want to see/deal with. So you might say, "If you were me and you started having a fit when I did not want to buy you something in a store-what do you think would be a good consequence?" The two of you can agree on a what would happen (in my house $$$ is the best currency for my son right now. It used to be taking away toys but now he loses cash, LOL).

12 is a hard age at best-she is no longer a little girl but certainly not mature yet. Most likely she will be excited to go and hopefully behave well, but it would be a good idea to have a game plan in place before you go. I would also work out with your new wife how you will handle it if/when the 12yo mouths off. Perhaps she will need to sit out the fun with you for a while while your DS goes and does something fun with his step-mom.

I hope you all have a wonderful trip!

 

[jdb in AZ]

I would try to phrase expectations in a positive motivational way. e.g. if she smiles, doesn't argue, she gets to choose the next ride to go on. Rewards often work better than punishment. Try the "carrot" approach, but if all else fails, she knows you can bring out the stick. Involve her as much as possible in the planning. My son was divorced and he and his new wife took his then-12-yr-old DD on a Disney cruise where the kiddo was treated like Cinderella vs the wicked step-mother. I really hope you can use your vacation as a bonding time and improve your relationships.

 

[brat]

Have you thought of doing a behavior contract before you go.

You expect x behavior, if she does behavior y that you rule as not acceptable 1st time she gets a loss of either her turn picking a ride or allowance deduction. Good behavior earns choices. If you do the same contract with son he will likely earn chioces and she may behave just to get more choices away from him.Just remember mood swings are part of 12 and 13 some of which is just learning teen vs little kid.

Remember they have babysitting services that work around Disney, you can use them to watch her while your son gets to go to the parks with you. And as others here have said she could end up on a plane to her Moms.

Loss of her allowance would pay babysitter service as far as she knows(Depending on your budget that may or may not be true). Oh Do call it baby sitter not child care so it sounds worse to her.Also let the sitter know you are leaving her in their care because of her behavior.

May things go better than you dream they will.

 

[tinah159]

I'd remind her there is an airport in Orlando and in Shreveport.

My thoughts exactly. Girls this age can be difficult and it is a hard time for them. At times, they need extra conversations and a little extra attention. That being said, they also have to learn not to disrupt the whole family and that everything does not revolve around them. One of my daughter's was more difficult that the other and I really had to use a tough approach with her. If she was acting out when we were going out, She would have run the household if I would have let her. We told her the rules and reminded her of what we expected. If she would not comply, she stayed at home. Thankfully she got the messages and the stage was short lived. I hope this does no come off as too harsh, but this worked for our family.

 

[Teamubr]

I have a DS13... I feel your pain. Hormones are an evil thing. My son also has learning disabilities and has ADHD. Over the last few months, I have considered threatening to cancel our trip in May. I won't because I won't make a threat that I won't follow through on and I am looking forward to this trip as much as he is. I have told him that. Disney is a "family" trip and his behavior isn't going to cause me to deprive my DW and me.

You have gotten a lot of great ideas already. Here are some things that work with my son. He is very immature. Simple and specific work best. Behavior contracts work at times. It gives you something to go back to when there are behavior issues. Kind of an agreed on set point.

With my son, the carrot is absolutely the best approach. I have not found a punishment severe enough that he cares about. (And yes, I absolutely follow through... everytime, but he is an only child and will entertain himself with nothing (because everything else has been taken away). Seems the ADHD gives him a great imagination and losing every form of entertainment is not a big deal to him. Now offer him a "reward" for appropriate behavior and he can't do it fast enough. And it's really simple, silly rewards. Not expensive or extravagant things.

Since you may have sending her home as an option, I'd discuss that with her. But I'd make sure she knows it's her choice to make everyone miserable that would cause you to do it. If she's mature enough, I'd write down an "agreement" with her. Agree on 2 or 3 specific things that she has to do (or not do). The punushment is she goes home. If it's written down, she will know you are serious and not making a threat.

And lastly, you really do have to choose your battles at this age. Focus on the 1 or 2 really annoying behaviors and ignore the rest.

Sorry to sound like I'm preaching or know everything. It's more empathy at what you are dealing with and an interest in sharing what has worked for us.

j

 

[LynneyPooh]

As a middle school teacher and a mom of a "tween" I feel your pain. I feel sure that hormones are a good portion of her attitude problem.
However, it may be the family dynamics (throwing this in because you don't give the time frame for the divorce/remarriage).

All of the above ideas are great ideas.
My gut says DON'T leave her at home, girls always need father/daughter time. I would start w/ a conversation w/ ex- wife and current wife to discuss what reasonable expectations should be. Then what can be the possible punishments if needed (is the airport a real option, etc). THEN I would sit down with DD and talk one-on-one with her telling her what your expectations are then ASKING HER what are her expectations from the trip. Use the above ideas in your adult conversations, then give her a chance to discuss the options that you decided that are viable for your family.
Most kids this age are trying to see how far their boundaries are in every area of their life. Set your boundaries and STICK to them!
Another idea for you is to schedule an activity just for the 2of you if possible- for example: tea with alice, BB Boutique, a tour, or just a father/daughter breakfast to help you each have some treasured time together.

Good luck and hopefully Mickey's magic will take place...

 

[mikeymouse1]

Bill Cosby once said" I BROUGHT YOU INTO THE WORLD I CAN TAKE YOU OUT!

 

[NLPRacing]

I have an 11 year old boy, 9 year old girl & a 4 year old boy. They can be handful at times and the drama with the two oldest can be more than I can handle. But with that said, I always try to never take things away that I can't give back. Grounding from video games, computer, tv, etc. is easy. But when you take away a family vacation, you can't give that back. It sounds like some quality time at WDW with Dad may be the thing she is needing most.

 

[North7]

I feel your pain though...Our DD is 13 and drives me to drinking (hard liquor) daily! We have to pick our battles around here and I refuse to argue with her. If we get loud then she gets louder! So now when she starts with all the drama, I just ask her to go to her room. When the drama is over then she can come out and we can talk about it like normal people...sometimes. I think this age group is way harder then the "tragic 3's". However there is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better. Our fights are getting fewer and farther between. Now if I could just get her to stop fighting with her brother...

This could have been a summary of our situation with our 13 year old DD. I've learned this appears to be the norm with 13 yr old girls as opposed to the exception. Having said that, when we are at WDW, things are normally different. I think we've only had one minor incident which resulted in her not being able to go shopping at Downtown Disney with mom and that was all it took.

Please don't leave her behind... I'm guessing you would regret that decision later. As others have mentioned, discuss what your expectations are of her and what the consequences will be. Remember that your daughter is behaving like a lot of other 13 yo girls... yes, it can get frustrating but just have a little patience and don't over-react. If a situation occurs, remind her of your talk about consequences and follow through if warranted.

It's a vacation for everyone and you want everyone to enjoy it. Based on my experience, I'm sure you DD will be just fine especially with the ground rules laid out ahead of time.

Enjoy your trip.

 

[melmar136]

Sounds as though she's been through alot in 12 short years. Kids react to stress in a variety of ways. Try to remember that she's still a little girl who needs your love and understanding. (Listen to what she means; not just what she says).
I say take her... and your sense of humor (along with your patience)! View it as an oportunity to bridge some gaps and make some happy, new memories ...Disney is a great place to enjoy time together. Remember, they grow very quickly. Don't waste time being angry with her.

Love this advice....perfect!!!

 

[Disneylitch]

Unfortunately a 12 year old can be hard to deal with and it doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl. Mine are 26 (boy), 25 (girl), and 23 (girl) and my son was just as difficult, if not more so , than my daughter. Girls tend to be drama queens and if she is also stubborn, watch out. From my experience, not allowing her to go isn't the answer. Part of the reason for her behavior is that she wants more of your attention/time. Kids have an odd way of showing this. It would be so much easier if they would just say, I want to see your more, I'm upset about something, but that doesn't happen in the real world. What I can tell you is that we had very few meltdowns so to speak when we were at The Fort. Maybe it's just the atmosphere, I don't know, but my theory is don't look a gift horse in the mouth. While at WDW, my kids actually got along and had very few disagreements. So, I would take her and lay down the ground rules. Just make sure you can follow through with them. Just remember, most 12 year old don't want to do anything other than what they want to do. One moment she will be happy about going to Disney and you can be very sure that sometime during that day she will say she isn't going and will stay with her Mom. Just let her know that staying home isn't an option and she will come around. Have a great trip.

 

[martymarty]

Thank you all for the advice, there are a few good ideas I will use.

Dont get me wrong I want to take her, I want her to go, and at times even when I say to my self "she can just stay at home" I WILL take her. Someone said not to take away something I cant give back, and I took that to heart.

The other day we were making Disney shirts and she got in a mood, and could care less and didnt want anything to do with making our shirts. So on the way home to her mothers I told her that she needed to really think about if she wanted to go to Disney, due to the fact she showed no interested and was pissy about making Disney shirts.

I like the idea about sitting down with her and discusing was is expected of her, especially after this recent event. As much as I would like to use the bargining chip "sending you home on a plane" its not an option. Its not a money issue or anything like that, but my Ex is about as cooperative as a cobra, infact she would do anything to sabotage this trip, shes a very mean and bitter person (and we have ben divorced 9 yrs)

As far as the follow through on dicipline, my kids knows dad dosent play! On the other hand their mother is about as firm as a wet noodle when it come to follow through, so my daughter knows she can get away with it, and trys to do the same with me, seems its been getting worse latley, maybe its the age as some have mentioned, pushing her boundries. But what get me is she knows dad dosent play..............

Maybe its time to start picking my battles as mentioned

I also will try the carrot therory, who picks what ride next, who picks where to eat next

Again thanks for all the comments and advice, Im glad to now know Im not the only one that has to deal with this, and its not just my daughter being a horses azz

 

[Disneylitch]

Wow, sounds like you got the good cop, bad cop going on. Unfortunately you are the bad cop. In the end it will be you that keeps her grounded as she grows and matures. She probably won't appreciate it at the time, but will when she is older. We went through this particularly with our son. Now that he is a parent he understands what is involved in being a parent. It definitely isn't easy at times, but worth it in the end. I'm sure you will have a great time.

 

[Macgyver91]

MartyMarty...we will be there at the same time. If our girls both get grumpy we can share a babysitter! I wouldn't sweat the shirt thing, because mine wouldn't have done it either ("teenagers don't do that, its for babies") and she is counting down the days until we leave. As hard as it seems, just don't take what she says and does personally. Their brains just don't work like normal peoples! Mine has finally gotten to where she notices when she has said something mean and nasty and will come back to apologize.

On another note...if the EX is trying to sabotage the trip then DD may feel a little guilty about looking forward to going and you are just getting the overflow! Like many of the PP...I think once she gets to Disney then she will be a completely different person. Good luck and have fun!