Need advice... woman problem... aspergers daughter....

[robin09]

I am in desperate need of help. DD is 12, has aspergers and has gotten her period. Unfortunately, she is in complete denial, and will not discuss it. She got it for the first time in september.. will not talk, or discuss, I can usually tell by her face.. I do mark it down on my calendar... Now for my problem..

She wants it to go away and makes believe it isn't there.... Today I got a call from school, that she was in the nurses office (and yes the nurse is aware of her issues and is wonderful) the nurse let me know that DD kept pulling her shirt down, and she thinks she needs to go home... The nurse has offered to keep her pads there, anything she can do....but to no avail.

DD tells me on the carride home that she has had it since monday but thought it would go away... that being said, she hasn't worn any protection... and I have to scavenge thru her room for this mess.... What do I do? I'm so confused.. My older daughter never had a privacy issue.. any advie?

 

[kirstenb1]

Would it make it any easier discussing it with someone like a doctor, or her older sister?

I haven't been through this with our younger dd. But she can be very willful. Sometimes, if I tell her something is a "rule", or if the information comes from someone she views as an authority figure (apparently I don't qualify!), then she'll be more cooperative.

 

[robin09]

Would it make it any easier discussing it with someone like a doctor, or her older sister?

I haven't been through this with our younger dd. But she can be very willful. Sometimes, if I tell her something is a "rule", or if the information comes from someone she views as an authority figure (apparently I don't qualify!), then she'll be more cooperative.

I wish it were this easy... We also apply the "rules" and they do work...BUT when it comes to her RULE of personal stuff, there is only one rule... w do not talk... I am hitting a huge roadblock... even the school nurse has tried to talk, but you can see the shutters go down on her eyes.. complete shutdown. She changes in a seperate room at school for gym, because seeing her or anyone else without even a shirt on, is against the rules. ( I guess in a way this is a good thing!)

She will not pee in a cup to get a urine test... and that's after a half hour of the nurse, the dr, and me trying anything and everything to get her to do it. She will not even look at a dog when he is peeing.... She has her rules.. and I guess not maturing is one of them... I am at a loss and don't know how to handle this...

 

[Diegosmom]

I have no experience with this at all but my only thought is putting her on some sort of birth control. A few of the pulls (Yaz I think) only have you have your period like 3 times a year (so would cut down on having to deal with it). Or something like the depo shot once a year and you dont have your period at all.

Please no flames on how horrible it is to give a child birth control. I will say I have been on the pill since I was a teenager because I had horrible cramps and the doc put me on the pill. So my advise would be to talk to your OBGYN.

Good Luck I can't imagine going thru this.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Both of my suggestions have already been mentioned.

1) Have a nurse at her doctor's office talk to her.
2) Birth control pills. I was on Yaz for several years. It took about a year, but I went from having horribly heavy periods with intense cramps to not having a period at all. Apparently, it thins the uterine lining to the point where there's nothing to shed. The issues here are that the pills can have side effects, and you are only delaying her having to deal with this rather than teaching her this is something she will have to accept. But it might work in the short term.

 

[clanmcculloch]

You know, sometimes I wish my DD13 had a bit more of this type of problem. We're working on discression. At her IEP meeting last week, we (the whole team including her male advisory teacher) were all chuckling over the progress she's made in now saying "I need to go to the nurse's office, but it's inappropriate to say why". That's progress. She used to just say everything to everybody. She still hasn't learned discression in front of DH. I consider myself lucky because at least she tells me things (everything and I do mean EVERYTHING; we're working on filtering) which is easier than not knowing what's going on.

Maybe try approaching it from a biological function perspective? She understands going to the bathroom and cleaning herself. This is kind of an extension of that in a way. She needs to understand taking care of this biological function just like she does going to the bathroom. You will continue to respect her privacy as long as she takes care of it herself. If she can't take care of it herself then you'll be required to help her with reminders and questions just like you did when potty training her. This is how I would approach it if DD13 had this issue. It's non-emotional and very matter-of-fact. She may be in denial about it partly because of the connection with boy-girl stuff but if she can think of it more as a basic biological function then she may not be so turned off by the whole subject. Knowing that she'll have to discuss it if she doesn't takes care of it herself may also be that added push she needs to not ignore it.

 

[Holly]

Does your daughter use email or could you communicate in another written way that doesn't involve talking face to face?


I know that sometimes removing all of the factors that are difficult for Aspie kids can help.

 

[robin09]

I have no experience with this at all but my only thought is putting her on some sort of birth control. A few of the pulls (Yaz I think) only have you have your period like 3 times a year (so would cut down on having to deal with it). Or something like the depo shot once a year and you dont have your period at all.

Please no flames on how horrible it is to give a child birth control. I will say I have been on the pill since I was a teenager because I had horrible cramps and the doc put me on the pill. So my advise would be to talk to your OBGYN.

Good Luck I can't imagine going thru this.

No flames here, it's an interesting idea that I haven't thought of. I am going to give it thought, bieng that she is only 12 and she's already on medication for her ocd, aspergers... I'm afraid to give her more meds, and the depo I got horribly sick on and needed a blood transfusion... Definitely a great thought though, thankyou!

 

[Diegosmom]

a blood transfusion from depo???? wow how horrible. I have considered it a few times but I am overweight and so worried about the weight gain. Only suggested it because I think it is 1 shot a year so you wont have to worry about taking the pill everyday. Do they still make the patch? Would she wear something like that?

And like I said I have no experience with aspers (or even with a daughter) but wondering if she might consider a tampon. I know I didnt start using them till college but now that I use them I hate to use pad so not sure if that is something she would consider. If she did consider it I would def. have her try the plastic applicators and the lite ones as they are smaller and I find the plastic are easier to insert. But not sure at her age if she would go for this but hey worth a shot.

But a phone call to the OBGYN won't hurt to see what the options are.

 

[robin09]

Hmm, that's an interesting thought.....She's mainly on her DSI (nintendo) and we used to communicate through Im"s quite frequently.. I'll see if I can do this.. or text her... hmmmmm thankyou!

Does your daughter use email or could you communicate in another written way that doesn't involve talking face to face?


I know that sometimes removing all of the factors that are difficult for Aspie kids can help.

 

[robin09]

She does have trouble with her mouth, and usually everything comes out of it.. everything except her rules.. nothing she considers personal is allowed to come out.. I just get the eyeball roll and hair over her eyes look...

I do respect her privacy (now that she has learned it.. the bathroom door is forever locked now and she finally stopped walking in on me.. most of the time but I do overstep her personal space just asking her if she "changed". Those are my only words, and it's enough to get me the look, I just don't know how to handle this problem, it's honestly painful to see her go thru this... the first month she cried.. take it away.. mommmmmy please just take it away... now i guess she figures ignoring it will make it go away.. The school nurse has offered to keep her pads there in a special spot that only she will knkow, but my dd refuses and you can see her shut down.... but thankyou to all of you for the suggestions...

You know, sometimes I wish my DD13 had a bit more of this type of problem. We're working on discression. At her IEP meeting last week, we (the whole team including her male advisory teacher) were all chuckling over the progress she's made in now saying "I need to go to the nurse's office, but it's inappropriate to say why". That's progress. She used to just say everything to everybody. She still hasn't learned discression in front of DH. I consider myself lucky because at least she tells me things (everything and I do mean EVERYTHING; we're working on filtering) which is easier than not knowing what's going on.

Maybe try approaching it from a biological function perspective? She understands going to the bathroom and cleaning herself. This is kind of an extension of that in a way. She needs to understand taking care of this biological function just like she does going to the bathroom. You will continue to respect her privacy as long as she takes care of it herself. If she can't take care of it herself then you'll be required to help her with reminders and questions just like you did when potty training her. This is how I would approach it if DD13 had this issue. It's non-emotional and very matter-of-fact. She may be in denial about it partly because of the connection with boy-girl stuff but if she can think of it more as a basic biological function then she may not be so turned off by the whole subject. Knowing that she'll have to discuss it if she doesn't takes care of it herself may also be that added push she needs to not ignore it.

 

[Reddy]

This makes me happy to have boys
one girl in my boys class (13) had a hesterecmy(sp??? it is wrong)
but she is in a wheelchair & can't talk or feed herself -- ever

if she gets on the computer - maybe links where she can learn more about it (several different ones)

Shirt might be because she is needing training bras & doesn't want to face that either

 

[robin09]

This makes me happy to have boys
one girl in my boys class (13) had a hesterecmy(sp??? it is wrong)
but she is in a wheelchair & can't talk or feed herself -- ever

if she gets on the computer - maybe links where she can learn more about it (several different ones)

Shirt might be because she is needing training bras & doesn't want to face that either

I've sentr her sites, and gotten her books.. the best one being the AMerican Girlbook about taking care of your body..

The shirt being pulled down was to cover her butt, she's been wearing bras for 2 years now and won't be without one.... She has her own personal rules and I can't seem to break thru

 

[peemagg]

Maybe after the first month when they did stop that she figures that she did ignore it that it worked and stopped. Now she might be thinking the same thing, not understanding that they will come every month for about a week.

 

[tinkslite]

Things have been similar for my daughter. She is HYPER modest and always has been. We made a "rule" that talking about "self-care" (toothbrushing, showering, deodorant, etc.) was NOT OPTIONAL!!! She has to discuss it with MOM (not dad). When she got her period (thankfully at home) I had already told her that she 1. MUST tell me (no hiding it). 2. MUST use the appropriate tools (she already knew where to find them and I reminded her often before the first period). 3. Must dispose of them appropriately (again we had already provided the tools and shown her how). 4. Must keep tools (2) in her school bag at all times so that she wouldn't have to ask the nurse (she would NOT).
This is really still very hard for our daughter.......She hates it. We have a ritual of buying her a bag of Hershey's Kisses every time she reports that her period has begun (which helps me to remind her to change). The ritual encourages her to report and she knows that I like chocolate when I have my own period so it is a "normalcy" thing.
Remind her during "not period" times that it will happen regularly, is part of life, and cannot be ignored avoided. The consequence for not reporting at our house is taking out all the trash (including any "ruined" items) and doing 2-3 loads of laundry (soiled items especially). Not to punish, just to reinforce that there are natural consequences to not responding to the presence of your period appropriately........And the consequences should not belong to MOM!

 

[tinkslite]

WE set "alarm" reminders for every 2-3 hours to remind her to change during the day..........No excuses.........A watch w/alarm is the best......At first when it went off I would say, "Jessi you need to excuse yourself right now." but she does it independently now.

 

[robin09]

Things have been similar for my daughter. She is HYPER modest and always has been. We made a "rule" that talking about "self-care" (toothbrushing, showering, deodorant, etc.) was NOT OPTIONAL!!! She has to discuss it with MOM (not dad). When she got her period (thankfully at home) I had already told her that she 1. MUST tell me (no hiding it). 2. MUST use the appropriate tools (she already knew where to find them and I reminded her often before the first period). 3. Must dispose of them appropriately (again we had already provided the tools and shown her how). 4. Must keep tools (2) in her school bag at all times so that she wouldn't have to ask the nurse (she would NOT).
This is really still very hard for our daughter.......She hates it. We have a ritual of buying her a bag of Hershey's Kisses every time she reports that her period has begun (which helps me to remind her to change). The ritual encourages her to report and she knows that I like chocolate when I have my own period so it is a "normalcy" thing.
Remind her during "not period" times that it will happen regularly, is part of life, and cannot be ignored avoided. The consequence for not reporting at our house is taking out all the trash (including any "ruined" items) and doing 2-3 loads of laundry (soiled items especially). Not to punish, just to reinforce that there are natural consequences to not responding to the presence of your period appropriately........And the consequences should not belong to MOM!

These are great ideas, thankyou... funny thing, her therapist had a different idea, actually the opposite... gonna give both ideas alot of thought. Her therapist suggested that since DD is such a super private person, we could respect that, AS LONG AS, she takes care of herself and keeps herself clean. Meaning, changing when needed and using appropriate care. If she does that, then the rules are... no talking needed... but as soon as it's not done, talking will have to be done. Now to see which way works for us! I wish there was a handbook.. this is so tough...

 

[minkydog]

Heck,my completely average neurotypical DD18 doesn't want to talk about periods either! She started when she was 10-1/2, and she was mad as a wet hen! She wanted to go swimming! So I asked her if she wanted to try tampons. And that was the end of that. From her very first period she used tampons. I also put her in charge of any laundry incurred, washing her panties in cold water and such. She still will not discuss it, even though she has cramps so bad she throws up(that's how i know she started!)

 

[toodycat]

I don't know if this sounds ridiculous, but what if she just got into the habit of wearing a pad every day to begin with? If it became part of her daily routine, maybe she would be more open to it. The book Girls Growing Up on the Autism Spectrum by Shana Nichols, Gina Marie Moravcik and Samara Pulver has a special section on"Successful Management of Menstrual Hygiene." You might want to order a copy from Amazon.

 

[robin09]

I don't know if this sounds ridiculous, but what if she just got into the habit of wearing a pad every day to begin with? If it became part of her daily routine, maybe she would be more open to it. The book Girls Growing Up on the Autism Spectrum by Shana Nichols, Gina Marie Moravcik and Samara Pulver has a special section on"Successful Management of Menstrual Hygiene." You might want to order a copy from Amazon.

Thankyou! I didn't hear of that book... off to amazon right now!