Need Advice re: Counseling

[CoffeeBreak]

I'm a longtime poster who needs advice, but it feels safer to ask under a different profile. Can anyone tell me how counseling works? In particular, if a couple needs marriage counseling but one party, in particular, also needs individual counseling, which should happen first?

Does the couple first see a marriage counselor together? Does the one person first see an individual counselor? Do they see a marriage counselor and one person see an individual counselor simultaneously? I've heard that most marriage counselors will not see each party individually as they view the marriage as their client. So I assume this would involve two different counselors (one for the marriage and one for the individual who needs it)? I'm just not sure how this should work. It's probably apparent by my questions that one party in the marriage has strayed. That person feels they have their own issues that led them to those actions. Of course, it takes two for a marriage to break down, but the one person feels they have a lot to work out. Without first addressing some of those issues, can marriage counseling be effective? Or does the couple need to get straight into counseling to start rebuilding trust now? I'm just at a loss about where to turn first and would appreciate advice from those of have been there, done that.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Does the couple first see a marriage counselor together? Does the one person first see an individual counselor? Do they see a marriage counselor and one person see an individual counselor simultaneously?

Whatever works to get them started. Once in counselling, things will be worked out procedurally.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I have not been there, done that but I can confirm that the marriage counselor and individual counselor(s) are usually different people so there’s no conflict of interest. Because counseling is usually a lengthy process, I would assume you wouldn’t want to hold off on the marriage counseling while awaiting “results” from the individual sessions. Instead, both types of counseling would be run concurrently. But, I may be wrong about that and, if so, hopefully someone will correct me. Best wishes that things can work out for the better for you, whatever that may look like.

 

[kymom99]

I went to a counselor during three different periods of my life. The first time the guy offered to counsel us as a family since the issue was with my husbands child. I didn’t feel it would happen so I just stopped going. He gave me some tools to deal with the situation on my own. The next time were for my own issues. Both welcomed me to bring my husband, but he was not open to counseling. I would call a couple counselors and ask how they work with your situation.

 

[slo]

I have no advice, but I want to say I’m sorry to hear this is happening and I hope that both of you get whatever counseling you need, and that it helps you and your marriage

 

[Christine]

I don't know if there's a set rule; however, if I were in this position and I was the one cheated on, I would get my own individual counselor to deal with those feelings and my spouse would get their own counselor. I would want to have each individual work through their own issues separately and then join together at some point in joint marriage counseling.

 

[lifesavacation]

My sister and her husband started seeing a marriage counselor during the pandemic. She then started also seeing an individual counselor, which was a different person.

 

[PollyannaMom]

No authoritative experience here either, but I definitely think it would be two separate counselors, so okay to run the sessions concurrently.

 

[Kitty 34]

I obviously have no clue who you are but as a long time DISer, myself, I'm just wishing you good luck in your situations.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Before I'd suggest marital counseling, I might suggest verifying for yourself how long and how deep the marital straying happened. You may not want marital counseling at all if the betrayal is more than you've been told or are aware of.

That said, I would get your own counselor (and your spouse can see theirs) before I'd start marriage counseling...

 

[ronandannette]

We did family counseling that incorporated both group sessions and individual sessions for myself, DH and DS, all with the same therapist. As I remember it, the therapist did not violate the confidentiality of our individual sessions without our express permission. It was effective for us and AFAIK, there may be many different models of treatment available if both the patients and the counselor agree.

 

[JLTraveling]

Former therapist here. There is no one size fits all answer. Some counselors are "marriage only" and don't do individual sessions. Some do both, but of those, some are willing to see the couple together plus each individually, while others prefer to focus on only one party (Spouse A, Spouse B, or the marriage itself). Some people see an individual therapist first, then a couples counselor. Some do it the other way around. And some do it concurrently. It all depends on the therapist's model and the individual's/couple's preferences. Best thing to do is search for a good therapist, go in for a session, and talk about how you want to proceed. Best of luck!

 

[supercarrie]

If you can afford it, I would highly recommend couples counseling and individual counseling for each party, all with a separate therapist. I'm speaking from personal experience, although every situation is unique. A good couples counselor would be able to refer out to individual therapists for each person, so if that is easiest, focus on finding a good couples counselor first. Alternatively, you can also start out by seeking individual counseling (I'd suggest for each party)- it is really what you prefer. If you or your partner are thinking about leaving the marriage, individual counseling can help sort out whether it is worth pursuing couples counseling.

Also, don't necessarily just stick with the first person you meet. It is very important to feel that the therapist's style matches well with you, that you feel you can trust them and feel they will facilitate a safe discussion, no matter what decisions are made. I can wholeheartedly say I would not still be married if we had stuck with the first couples therapist we saw, or if I'd stuck with the individual therapist I first met. Thankfully, we found someone who truly helped us (and I found an amazing individual therapist, who I still see from time to time for issues unrelated to marriage).

If you decide to break up, I'd still also recommend counseling to help process and grieve (for both parties).

Sending you support as you process these emotions. Feel free to ask any questions, publicly or via PM. Happy to help as I can!

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this

I am not an authority, but I would suggest you seek individual counseling first, then marriage counseling if necessary.

 

[RamblingMad]

Part of being with someone is putting up with their crap. Of course, there are deal breakers such as no cheating and spousal abuse. You do a deal breaker, you end it. You can prolong the misery with counseling. But if they did a deal breaker, you're already at the point of no return.

I know a lot of divorced folk. And they're all glad they moved on.

 

[GreatLakes]

I'm a longtime poster who needs advice, but it feels safer to ask under a different profile. Can anyone tell me how counseling works? In particular, if a couple needs marriage counseling but one party, in particular, also needs individual counseling, which should happen first?

Does the couple first see a marriage counselor together? Does the one person first see an individual counselor? Do they see a marriage counselor and one person see an individual counselor simultaneously? I've heard that most marriage counselors will not see each party individually as they view the marriage as their client. So I assume this would involve two different counselors (one for the marriage and one for the individual who needs it)? I'm just not sure how this should work. It's probably apparent by my questions that one party in the marriage has strayed. That person feels they have their own issues that led them to those actions. Of course, it takes two for a marriage to break down, but the one person feels they have a lot to work out. Without first addressing some of those issues, can marriage counseling be effective? Or does the couple need to get straight into counseling to start rebuilding trust now? I'm just at a loss about where to turn first and would appreciate advice from those of have been there, done that.

Just by going on what is here it sounds like you both should see an individual first and discuss with them when they think it is best to see a marriage counselor from the beginning or wait until the individual work is down the line a bit.

The person that strayed sounds like they either know they need some help or are using it as an excuse for what they did. I think they need to see an individual counselor for sure. The other person might need to see an individual counselor first to see if they even want to save the marriage and possibly find out if they have anything that needs worked on.

Good luck, it sounds like a bad situation whichever party you are and the past two years hasn't exactly reduced stress even in the perfect marriage.

 

[RamblingMad]

Good luck, it sounds like a bad situation whichever party you are and the past two years hasn't exactly reduced stress even in the perfect marriage.

This is so true. Being locked down really tests your relationship. I learned that I had better be the one cooking as my significant other's cooking added about 10 lbs to my waist. I'm now cooking and only have 5 more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-COVID lockdown self. The take away is to not let her cook.

Other people had much bigger problems with their lockdown.

 

[tzolkin]

To me it might depend on whether the things the individual wants to work through and discuss are related to the marriage or not. Ex. if there are self-esteem or trust issues that are related to the relationship it may be, in my opinion, easier to discuss with one person who sees the whole picture than repeating everything in two different sessions.

My husband and I see a Marriage & Family Therapist, but we started seeing her related to some stress we were both having dealing with a young adult child with mental illness not for marital problems. We, of course, discuss things related to our relationship and family life, but I would not categorize it as "marriage counseling" in the sense most people think of it. We do both meet with her individually on occasion. Since that only happens maybe a few times a year, I think it's much more productive to meet with her for individual therapy than it would be to meet with someone else because she's already familiar with my family, my marriage, etc. so I don't have to use part of my hour filling in background information.

 

[leebee]

Haven't been there personally, but a friend who WAS said she learned that a marriage counselor's role is really to support (save?) the marriage. She felt it was important to have her OWN therapist to help her work out her feelings in the situation, which helped her decide whether or not to work towards saving the marriage. She said in marriage counseling she felt like her feelings and anger, etc., were always minimized as the counselor was trying to help them rebuild their marriage- but she wasn't there yet, she needed to figure out what happened, what went wrong, what SHE wanted, first.